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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Is it me or my parents? Huge row.

464 replies

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 14:42

Will try to keep this short. I went out at the weekend for the second time this year. I go out once or twice a year. This is because I am a lone parent and have no childcare. Its fine, I am used to it. So last weekend I asked my parents to look after my children so that I could go out. We went and stayed at their house. They are not the easiest people in the world but I make the effort and they do seem to love the children. I have two dc. My parents have probably looked after them about seven times in their lives, my eldest is 11.

Anyway I drank too much, far far too much Blush and the next day I was simply not capable to drive. Every other time they have had them I am always back by 10 am the next morning, I have never been late. I cannot tell you how ill I was, I don't even know if it was just hang over because we ate out too and I am wondering if there was food poisoning involved too as it is not like me to be so ill. As I couldn't stand up without being sick my sister (who I had gone out with) called my parents and said can you hang onto the kids for a bit "Sequins" is really ill and she can't drive like that. She said my Mum was clearly annoyed. So I slept for a bit longer then phoned her and explained that I couldn't drive. She was clearly angry.

In the end I managed to get home in the evening, I probably still shouldn't have been driving. My parents were kept informed throughout. On arrival they were absolutely furious and started shouting and yelling at me about this. I am afraid I refused to accept the bollocking as I felt it was undeserved and pointed out to them how much free childcare they had had from me for my siblings over the years (big age gap and from the age of about 11 I babysat constantly, ALL childcare during school holidays etc) different times back then I suppose. I also pointed out that I had done this many times at night until the early hours etc. In fact they have never had to pay for a babysitter for their youngest children because I did it all and quite often their friends children too. I also pointed out to my Dad who was ranting about me being too drunk to drive that I had witnessed repeated incidents of him being drunk and hung over and how it had impacted on our family as we grew up. He then tried to throw me out, relented and let me stay because my children were in bed and told me to "get out first thing tomorrow and that is it between us, we are finished". They have form for falling out with people for years and years. The following morning I left after a few cross words with my Mum, who still thought they were totally in the right.

Anyway if you have got through all that, I am feeling terrible about it all today, just so sad, its Christmas and my dc heard some of it and it was made clear what an imposition it was to have been looking after them. I don't know whether it should be me extending the olive branch or not, not that I feel much like it right now. Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/12/2014 17:53

I have never had a night away from my DCs. My parents have never looked after them. DH and I have attended 2 work dos in four years because i managed to get a sitter those times. Never been out just the two of us in the evening since DS (4) was born.
But i do get a very occasional (four times a year tops) evening out because I am fortunate and can leave the Dcs with DH of course.

YANBU.
It is your parents, not you.
They behaved badly and unreasonably. So they did you a favour. So what? They are your parents. Nice parents don't react like that. Nice mums and dads nurse you through the hangover, tell you off in a kindly way, if they must, and enjoy the time with their grandchildren.
You have done nothing wrong. Your parents have behaved very badly.

Mrsstarlord · 23/12/2014 17:53

Fair enough it was once but twelve hours additional childcare would have pissed me off too, especially if it was because dd was too hungover. Although not enough to fall out over it. If I were you I might have asked dps to bring the kids to me and had a duvet day rather than impose for another twelve hours - but that's just me.

RufusTheReindeer · 23/12/2014 17:54

And I'll add

A woman who appreciates that she made a mistake, has admittedly blown up at her parents (possibly with due course) but is now upset, mainly on behalf of her children just before Christmas

I don't think she needs the amount of grief she has had from some posters

Some of you are deffo on Santas naughty list!!

Deemail · 23/12/2014 17:55

Askmeanother, if the op was ill and couldn't drive how was she taking her parents for mugs? Things crop up in life, I've had to change plans at short notice to help others as have had they for me. Unfortunately you can't plan for the unexpected.

What exactly do you think the op should've done?

bobbyjoe · 23/12/2014 17:55

AskmeAnother - if the OP's parents had had plans that she'd ruined no doubt she would have got the message about that as well as it would have been another stick to beat her with.

This is not "childcare" for a stranger, it's not childcare as such at all, it's having the grand kids round. Something most normal grand parents love. If they had any last minute shopping they could have taken the kids or one of them gone out. But I doubt they did as the OP would have heard all about it.

BigBoobiedBertha · 23/12/2014 17:58

Ask - her parents had no plans for the day. The OP has already said that. They weren't really inconvenienced other than having to look after their own grandchildren for an extra few hours.

But you carry on rewriting history and ignoring the facts.

I hope your children never have cause to ask you for help - I am sure they will find out very quickly that you are too selfish and concerned with your own grievances to care that they have struggled. Poor things.

dustarr73 · 23/12/2014 18:00

Op yanbu your parents are.I cant believe the crap i have heard on here from some posters.I was just wondering all teh hermits that never go out,what are you going to do when your kids grow up and have their own friends.You wont have anybody to call,i find that very sad.
or will you expect your kids to stay in with you and never venture out just like you.

Mrsstarlord · 23/12/2014 18:03

That's a bit harsh. Not everyone's parents consider having the grandkids over to be a treat. Mine don't, they love them but find it hard work to look after them. Having them for an unexpected 12 hours (not a few hours) would be really hard for them.

GoodKingWobblyArse · 23/12/2014 18:06

My my, the overwhelming stench of sanctimony and rivers of froth are running amok throughout this thread.
YANBU.

jackydanny · 23/12/2014 18:06

I am Hmm that so many think it's ok to make an arrangement for their parents to have their DC and not turn up until 12 hours later, then have a pop at the parents?

How (in this scenario) are the parents BU?

Sure, they handled it badly, but are they really BU?

Posters saying 'it's not you, it's your parents Shock

Mrsstarlord · 23/12/2014 18:06

Dustarr some people don't have a choice but to have a social life which works around their kids. Doesn't make them hermits or potential lonely old people and some people choose not to go out drinking to socialise. There's a lot of talk of judgmental people on here but I see it going both ways. We are all different

Surreyblah · 23/12/2014 18:08

Sounds like there is a lot of history here and that you are angry with your parents for things in the past. The Q is whether it is good for you and the DC to maintain the relationship with your parents in the future, or reduce contact. If you go out only occasionally and they are not willing to have the DC it might be best to try to find some other help, eg siblings, friends, paid childcare.

Surreyblah · 23/12/2014 18:09

The parents weren't unreasonable to be pissed off, but they shouted and swore at her when DC were in house, it sounds like OP then told them some home truths they didn't like and their response was OTT

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 23/12/2014 18:09

I think Ask is getting a hard time here.

This is AIBU. Sequins asked and Ask gave her opinion.

The OP doesn't think she has been unreasonable and lots of posters agree with her, that's fine.

But she did ask on AIBU so it should be accepted that some people might have differing opinions.

Mrsstarlord · 23/12/2014 18:10

I notice that a good way to not hear people's views when they differ from yours on here is to start insulting people - this has been blown way out of proportionand no one is trying to understand anyone else's point of view.

RufusTheReindeer · 23/12/2014 18:14

jacky

You can be annoyed and upset with your children without having the complete fucking abdabs!

(Although it's a skill I haven't quite learned yet Blush

I think most people on here appreciate that the OP shouldn't have over indulged (although I still think she was ill and not hungover) but that her parents were unreasonable to do the whole "never darken our door again" bit

jackydanny · 23/12/2014 18:18

Likewise, you can be upset with your parents without abdabs!

If I was the OP, I would call my parents when I feel better, thank them for covering while I was ill, explain that I think it was more than a hangover and for shouting at them. I would also look elsewhere for childcare and stop expecting the apology I'm never going to get.

diddl · 23/12/2014 18:23

"Anyway I drank too much, far far too much blush and the next day I was simply not capable to drive."

For that YABU.

For your parents reaction, TABU.

Takingthemickey · 23/12/2014 18:25

OP YANBU!!!

Are all the self righteous people here ignoring the fact that OP's parents have only looked after GCs 7 times in 11 years. Her sister also called parents to let them know she was unwell.

Absolutely nothing entitled about OP's behaviour for those of you who like to overuse that word.

clam · 23/12/2014 18:25

The only reason Ask might be getting a hard time on here is because of his/her sanctimonious and judgmental posts, seemingly aimed at making the OP feel even worse.

"Supportive site for parents," my arse.

Deemail · 23/12/2014 18:28

Jackydanny, it's not as straight forward as that she changed plans at the last minute, she was ill, she literally couldn't pick them up and clearly has no back up care to call on. I can understand if they were a bit frustrated if they find childminding tiring but having a huge argument over something which really is a mild inconvenience is mindboggelling. If this happened regularly I can understand why they would be annoyed, but this was a one-off, she's their daughter, the kids are their grand kids, they lack generosity of spirit to their nearest and dearest, that's not normal to me and never shall be.

maddening · 23/12/2014 18:31

Op you are totally not being unreasonable and your parents have acted like twats, you are totally entitled to let your hair down once in a while and have done nothing wrong - their behaviour is ridiculous.

Free chIldcare gets mentioned and mn goes off on one - ignore it :)

krustyem · 23/12/2014 18:32

Bless you. Don't beat yourself up, you left your children with the extended family, you let your hair down, you drank too much, you didn't commit a crime, you're only human. I hope when my daughter is grown and has a family of her own she will know that when she needs some help, and wants to let of some steam that her mum will be here to look after her much loved grandkids, because that's what a good family do for each other x

needastrongone · 23/12/2014 18:43

Astonished by the responses on here. Shock

Something about those without sin casting the first stone?

It's Christmas, a time of forgiveness, kindness to others, understanding, thoughtfulness. Goodwill.

So nobody has ever made a mistake, ever?

Crikey.

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2014 18:45

OP YADNBU.

Daisy, you are coming across as a sanctimonious bitch