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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Is it me or my parents? Huge row.

464 replies

Sequinscheermeup · 23/12/2014 14:42

Will try to keep this short. I went out at the weekend for the second time this year. I go out once or twice a year. This is because I am a lone parent and have no childcare. Its fine, I am used to it. So last weekend I asked my parents to look after my children so that I could go out. We went and stayed at their house. They are not the easiest people in the world but I make the effort and they do seem to love the children. I have two dc. My parents have probably looked after them about seven times in their lives, my eldest is 11.

Anyway I drank too much, far far too much Blush and the next day I was simply not capable to drive. Every other time they have had them I am always back by 10 am the next morning, I have never been late. I cannot tell you how ill I was, I don't even know if it was just hang over because we ate out too and I am wondering if there was food poisoning involved too as it is not like me to be so ill. As I couldn't stand up without being sick my sister (who I had gone out with) called my parents and said can you hang onto the kids for a bit "Sequins" is really ill and she can't drive like that. She said my Mum was clearly annoyed. So I slept for a bit longer then phoned her and explained that I couldn't drive. She was clearly angry.

In the end I managed to get home in the evening, I probably still shouldn't have been driving. My parents were kept informed throughout. On arrival they were absolutely furious and started shouting and yelling at me about this. I am afraid I refused to accept the bollocking as I felt it was undeserved and pointed out to them how much free childcare they had had from me for my siblings over the years (big age gap and from the age of about 11 I babysat constantly, ALL childcare during school holidays etc) different times back then I suppose. I also pointed out that I had done this many times at night until the early hours etc. In fact they have never had to pay for a babysitter for their youngest children because I did it all and quite often their friends children too. I also pointed out to my Dad who was ranting about me being too drunk to drive that I had witnessed repeated incidents of him being drunk and hung over and how it had impacted on our family as we grew up. He then tried to throw me out, relented and let me stay because my children were in bed and told me to "get out first thing tomorrow and that is it between us, we are finished". They have form for falling out with people for years and years. The following morning I left after a few cross words with my Mum, who still thought they were totally in the right.

Anyway if you have got through all that, I am feeling terrible about it all today, just so sad, its Christmas and my dc heard some of it and it was made clear what an imposition it was to have been looking after them. I don't know whether it should be me extending the olive branch or not, not that I feel much like it right now. Thanks for reading Smile

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 23/12/2014 18:47

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TheOriginalSteamingNit · 23/12/2014 18:48

Poor you, OP.
If a friend did this to me, I'd be a bit narked. If my daughter does it, ten or fifteen years down the line, dp and I will probably have a bit of a whinge to each other while we wait for her to pick up. We will not whinge to her, and would never dream of saying the stuff your dad has come out with in any circumstances I can imagine.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2014 18:49

I think it was irresponsible of you to get so drunk when you knew you'd have to drive and care for your children the next day. I'd be annoyed too. Sorry OP but you are in the wrong here.

RufusTheReindeer · 23/12/2014 18:55

I agree jacky

Though I think that the parents started the abdabing (my autocorrect does not like that word). Grin

Bulbasaur · 23/12/2014 18:55

So nobody has ever made a mistake, ever?

Nobody here has teenagers yet. Grin

Tunes will change when they understand that part of parenting is forgiving your child's fuck ups, and you don't just disown a child over something stupid like this.

A reasonable response from a reasonable family with healthy relationships would be:

  • OP apologizes.
  • Parents are annoyed, maybe give a lecture. Then let it go.
  • Everyone shrugs if off the next day and share a bottle of wine together at Christmas and partake in holiday merriment.

But this is a dysfunctional family, and different rules and standards do apply with these sorts of situations.

needastrongone · 23/12/2014 19:03

Pick me, pick me Xmas Grin

I have teenagers. They fuck up sometimes but appear basically sound Smile I don't judge. Might have a chat when they are receptive.

My DM is incredibly judgey. It has affected me horribly over the years. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

None of us are perfect.

Another saying.... walk a mile in another man's shoes.... or something...

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat · 23/12/2014 19:09

OP, a hangover does not last four days so if you are still ill, your night out was an unfortunate coincidence.

Your parents sound horrid and self serving. I would not be apologising or engaging with them. Even if they apologise to you, they are still horrid.

So, YANBU and I suggest you try alternatives for childcare for the occasional night out. Would any other local parents do sleepover swaps?

Happy a Christmas and I hope you feel better soon.

bigbluestars · 23/12/2014 19:10

But presumably the OP is not a teenager- despite behaving like one.

clam · 23/12/2014 19:10

I have teenagers!

bigbluestars · 23/12/2014 19:13

I have teenagers too- thankfully more responsible then the OP.

Metalguru · 23/12/2014 19:15

OP I wish I could babysit for you, yanbu for wanting a night out, I couldn't give a flying fuck whether it was food poisoning or over indulgence, you go out twice a year so the events can hardly be used as an example of your patenting quality. You nasty, judgey people on here tonight, Christmas brings out the worst in some people! Ignore the, yanbu in anyone's world in RL, your parents are ungrateful arseholes.

hackmum · 23/12/2014 19:16

After the first para or so, I thought you were BU, but then I read all the stuff about you babysitting your siblings and your dad being drunk and I thought, it sounds like they've been pretty unreasonable over the years. They could cut you a bit of slack now. But it does sound from what you say (falling out with other people and so on) that they're the kind of people who think they're always in the right, other people are always wrong, and they like making a big drama out of everything. Seems pretty harsh when it's their own daughter.

Roussette · 23/12/2014 19:18

Mine are older than teens and they have made their share of mistakes (see upthread where I talk of holding DD's hair whilst she pukes up over the big white telephone...)

The more-than-perfect on here might have a bit of a shock when their DC buggers up. As they all do.

Bigblue oh FFS you are being ridiculous. Do you sip at a sweet sherry whilst clutching your pearls? For the first time, probably ever, since having DC, Sequins had a skinfull. So what.

kittentwo · 23/12/2014 19:21

I am a grandparent an we look after granchild as an when needed our daughter is a single parent an although our grandchild is not our responsibility our daughter is. In the same way we are hers. That's what loving each other an being part of a family is about. You did nothing wrong it was unreasonable of your parents. Eveyone needs some down time.

QueenArseClangers · 23/12/2014 19:24

I think YANBU simply for the Raylan quote.
But yes, your parents are twats without a shred of empathy between them.
Stick Boyd on them.

Blondebiker4685 · 23/12/2014 19:24

It must be food poisoning or a virus if you are still poorly 4 days later.

I agree with you. You provided non stop childcare during your childhood and they have not made any attempt at all to return the favour.

Floisme · 23/12/2014 19:24

Well I suppose you broke an agreement and I have to say I'm not keen on the suggestion from some posters that your parents had nothing else to do. But good grief, you've apologised and their attitude seems really sad to me. If my son ever asks me to bail him out when he's grown up, I hope I will help gladly and with no questions asked because isn't that what parents do? I'm sorry your night out was spoilt.

Blondebiker4685 · 23/12/2014 19:25

Also that what close friends and close relatives are there for - to support each other in their times of need.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 23/12/2014 19:27

I don't know if you are still reading but hug your babies and add this to the long list of 'things you will do differently'.

The child in us finds it very hard to move on from not feeling as loved as we would have liked and we go back again and again to see if perhaps our memory is playing tricks on us and we give them another chance to prove us wrong.

Know that you have recognized their lack, and do your best to break the cycle. Hug your babies again and resolve to make them feel loved.

Mrscaindingle · 23/12/2014 19:33

Jeez I just knew when I read your post that the sanctimonious posters who never seem to do anything wrong EVER would be telling you you have been irresponsible etc etc.....yawn.

Your parents had the right to be miffed but have completely over reacted. Part of being a parent is helping out your less than perfect off spring, even if they are an adult. In my experience its what family does, I can't imagine my parents reacting like this at all if it was a one off. Fair enough if you had form for taking the piss.

I am a recently single parent too and sympathise. I would babysit for you if I knew you in RL.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 23/12/2014 19:34

Fuck me there are some hardnosed, joyless buggers about these boards.

This thread has inspired me to go and get an extra big bottle of Bombay Sapphire for my MILs stocking to say THANK YOU for all the times she has had my son overnight when I've gone out for (gasp) fun, and everytime she has added the magic words " ... I'll give him his lunch and bring him back about 3 o'clock tomorrow so you can sleep off the hangover".

Poor you OP. Once in a lifetime you do this and your parents can't cut you some slack. Shit.

Gatehouse77 · 23/12/2014 19:36

I'm with NanaNina and others. YANBU your parents behaviour was unacceptable on any level - shouting in your face? I really cannot comprehend how some people think you deserve that Confused

Could you ask your sister or other siblings another time?

I don't think it matters if you're a single parent or not, you don't need/have to put your entire life on hold due to having children!

I am a wife, a mother AND a person in my own right. It's a balancing act and, from what you've described, one that has been balanced in favour of other people for the greater part.

Difficult as it is, try and put the smug, conceited people out of your mind - I don't know what world they live in where you should live like a hermit and never spend time away from your children...

Viviennemary · 23/12/2014 19:37

If this was behaviour from a man there would have been uproar. Someone saying it was my partners's weekend to have the DC's. He left them with his relatives and was too drunk to pick them up so they had to stay there all the next day until the evening. It would have been slaughter. OP was out of order.

Roussette · 23/12/2014 19:40

Vivienne - but it wasn't, was it? Sequin is a lone parent and does it all on her own, so what's the point of saying that. The only similar scenario would be if a man was a lone parent too. Would he then be shot down in flames for going out twice a year and getting hammered just once? I think not.

crumblebumblebee · 23/12/2014 19:41

Even if the OP was hungover and not ill, so fucking what?! She made a mistake and then she repeatedly apologised. Normal families forgive each other for one off mistakes like this. I do understand why OP's parents would be angry but their response is disproportionate to the event.