To take dcs to a funeral?

[Edenviolet]

My dcs are 13,7,5 and 2

Dgm passed away yesterday and today it was mentioned to me by two people (db and a family friend) that I shouldn't even be considering taking my dcs. According to one "funerals are no place for children" and the other said "I hope you aren't going to take the children"???

When my grandad passed away years ago dd1 was four and she went and was fine. I don't think the dcs will overly upset and of course if either of the younger two made any noise dh could take them outside.

I honestly didn't even think it would be an issue until today I just assumed we would all go?
AIBU to want to take them I've never come across the opinion before that dcs shouldn't go to funerals

yabu. my wonderful grandmother passed away last week and we bury her on the 29th. It's no place for children. The wake yes but a funeral no. my ds is 6 and understands death but I wouldn't put him through watching his dg sobbing and his mum and aunt crying trying to support their mother. no. It's wrong.

The last one I went to the 8yr old wrote and read a poem- it was lovely.

I took both my children (age 9 and 7) to my DFs funeral earlier this year, they would have cross with me to have been left at home. It gave them the opportunity to say goodbye. The only "bad" thing was that my DH was left to support them and not me.

The one before that was arranged by the person who knew they were going to die. All her grandchildren were there from baby to 6 yr old- it was her wishes. You really need to ask the person arranging it.

I would take the older 3 if you think they can handle it but leave the toddler with somebody I case they can't sit still and stay quiet during the service. I found funerals in my emotional teens easier as I had been to one when a child so knew what to expect.

msgrinch, while I totally accept that different people (and cultures) do things differently - why is it wrong for a child to see relatives crying at the loss of a loved one?

My son had to learn about death when he was 4. It was a terrible thing and I would have loved to have been able to protect him from it but I couldn't. That's life sometimes. Quite frankly, the funeral was the least of our worries but we took him to try and help him understand what had happened.

cing maybe it's personal but my first memory is my mum and grandparents sobbing in a church at my dad's funeral. I was 7. It's tainted my view.

I've been to funerals are varying ages. It seems odd you wouldn't bring a child to say goodbye? The entire point of the funeral is to bring closure to those still living, it's not for the dead they're no longer here.

Why shelter children from the reality of death? People die, and one day they will too. It's just part of the great circle of life.

Funerals are a good time to talk about death and what happens after you die. I remember being very young and asking my mother what happens to the bodies. She went into how bodies were embalmed had blood drained, eyes sewn shut, make-up, etc...

The hardest funeral I've been to was the one when I was a teen and a friend we ate lunch with was killed in a car accident. It had nothing to do with my age, and everything to do with the circumstances of her death and how she was still so young.

Funerals are a part of life. I took all of mine to their DGF's funeral (they were very young at the time - primary school and below). Their older cousins were there as well. I also took DC3 to a funeral when she was about 12, of someone she had known and whose child she had spent time with.

in an odd sort of way, I think funerals help children to cope with death.

I can, however, see that if the funeral is going to be just the crematorium, and there is a nice alternative for the DC (a very close friend, or school/nursery) then the DC will be better off not attending,

But my DCs immediate family have/will have a church service/funeral mass in a church the DC are familiar with and then a get together with close family.

Msgrinch -and others - I said what upset my DCs was seeing the adults cry...I still find it upsetting to see my dad cry and I'm late 40s... but then I haven't seen him cry often.
But did you really only cry at the funeral? When my Uncle (second father to me ) was dying the tears weren't limited to the funeral -if anything at the funeral it was easier and there were fewer tears...it was almost a relief.

(I would imagine what my DD2 (just 5) will remember was being dragged out of bed at 5am to get on the train, hoping to get there in time for me to say goodbye - after the 5hr journey I'd just found out I should make it and an old lady asked DD2 if she was going anywhere nice - I completely lost it, broke down - had to take DD2 in the loo with me to sob and DD2 said she didn't like it when I was sad, she wanted to make me happy )

We took DS aged two at the end of April this year to his DGF's funeral. Yes DS sat on the pew and played with the books (chattered a little - asking questions) and even got up to go and see his other grandma (not the one whose DH had just passed). I was determined he was going. Death is part of life, why shield children from it? I was shielded from it and my FIL's funeral was the first funeral I had ever been to and I am 35!!! I felt a bit lost, not sure of what to do, protocol etc. I grew up afraid of cremations.
Nobody complained, quite the opposite. DS brought a lovely 'lift' to then er ice as the speech the funeral director did was a celebration of FIL's life. He even said himself that he loves children being there as it lightens the mood and actually helps people grieve. They see 'young, bright new life come out of something that has ended' IYSWIM.
So in my opinion, yes, take your children. In my experience it works well, helps children internalise the journey of life etc. I also find it is the older generation that don't like children being there (out of sight, out of mind) and some are embarrassed and ashamed to be Sen as grieving which is utterly ridiculous.

All of this thread is about the children.

What about the mourners? What about the ones who want to think and grieve without toddler chatter or play or crying?

We are such a child-centred people now, for every mortal occasion that sometimes the adults are overlooked.

It's not that the children can't cope with the situation, it's that perhaps the adults don't want to have to cope with the children?

I think there is an appropriate age for children to attend funerals and that is when they fully understand and can be trusted to behave. That rarely applies to toddlers.

All of this thread is about the children.

What about the mourners? What about the ones who want to think and grieve without toddler chatter or play or crying?

We are such a child-centred people now, for every mortal occasion that sometimes the adults are overlooked.

It's not that the children can't cope with the situation, it's that perhaps the adults don't want to have to cope with the children?

I think there is an appropriate age for children to attend funerals and that is when they fully understand and can be trusted to behave. That rarely applies to toddlers.

I agree with Nanny Ogg. I speak as someone who attended funerals from a young age. I fully accept that it is important to understand it's the circle of life, and not necessarily something from which a child needs to be shielded. Children can give a great perspective on death through their sheer innocence, and their take on death.

But I do feel it's important to consider the feelings and comfort level of others, at the ceremony, especially the close family.

I suppose it depends on the relationship between the children and the deceased person. I can't imagine that my family would find any interuption from children irritating to their grieving process - quite the opposite it would remind them of what they still have, in the absence of their mother / grandmother and in a context of knowing how much she doted on her family. Equally I would much prefer to have them with me than not at such an important family event.

However, I wouldn't take my children to the funeral of eg an elderly neighbour (even if they were invited) as my children mean nothing to that person's family, so could well be seen as a nuisance.

If they want to go let them. I've been to a funeral today and my 11 year old was there. He wrote a poem and delivered it.

Our four year old came last year to her great, great aunts.

Introduced at a young age they learn that funerals are not great big scary places.

I agree with FidgetPie. You don't take children to random funerals - they're taken to ones of people they felt close to, or were closely related to - but maybe didn't know so well (say a Great Grandparent).
I think children can be a comfort at funerals. Mine have said Bidding Prayers at both their Grandfathers' funerals. Tons of children were at my Gran's funeral. It was a lovely positive affair.
If someone young died it would obviously be more upsetting, but maybe it would be even more important for them to go then

My nieces and nephews all went to my mums funeral 4 years ago. Their ages went from 6 months to 16. My mum adored them and expected them to go. (She died of cancer and was very aware her time was coming.) A few years before that, those nephews and nieces who were born at the time also attended my grandparents funerals. Some of them plated a role in them, eg bidding prayers, readings etc. My brothers twins sang a hymn at my mum's funeral.

I come from an Irish Catholic background where children at funerals is seen as being normal.

I felt that having them there helped lighten the mood a bit.

played a role not plated one.