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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take dcs to a funeral?

120 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 21:43

My dcs are 13,7,5 and 2

Dgm passed away yesterday and today it was mentioned to me by two people (db and a family friend) that I shouldn't even be considering taking my dcs. According to one "funerals are no place for children" and the other said "I hope you aren't going to take the children"???

When my grandad passed away years ago dd1 was four and she went and was fine. I don't think the dcs will overly upset and of course if either of the younger two made any noise dh could take them outside.

I honestly didn't even think it would be an issue until today I just assumed we would all go?
AIBU to want to take them I've never come across the opinion before that dcs shouldn't go to funerals

OP posts:
Littlemissjt · 22/12/2014 23:13

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think if you dgm would have liked them there then take your dc. I was always taken to funerals as a child and it didn't hurt or upset me any more than how sad I already was. I think it gives children a bit of understanding and it's nice for them to see how loved and well thought of that person was. If your dp is prepared to leave the service as soon as one of the children gets upset or restless then I really don't see a problem. I think the only thing that would stop me taking children was if they were scared, that said, my nephew wasn't allowed to go to his grans funeral and it's really affected him. It's your children's great grand mother, they have as much right as anyone else to be there.

FidgetPie · 22/12/2014 23:16

I am sorry for your loss. My grandmother also passed away yesterday.

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and I am assuming I will take them along to the funeral, as I would take them to a wedding or church / theatre service - with plenty of snacks and being prepared to pop outside with them if nec. As far as I see it, it is a family occasion and my gran loved the kids immensely. I still remember not going to my granddad's funeral at age 4.

elastamum · 22/12/2014 23:17

I don't see why you shouldn't take them. When my aunt died there were as many children there as adults. We all bought our children along. the vicar was quite touched.

vdbfamily · 22/12/2014 23:28

my cousins son died last year aged 15. The headteacher at his secondary school told the kids at school that they would lay on coaches for anyone who wished to attend the funeral. They had to book three coaches. It was the most amazing celebration of his life and a chance for all those affected by his death to not only say goodbye but to collectively grieve.My kids were all there along with myriad cousins and we all wept (and laughed at some stories) together.

handcream · 22/12/2014 23:31

I guess you are going to get mixed views on this one. Everyone says they will take kids out when they play up at weddings and funerals but they dont imho. We had a small wedding and no children were invited, however my friend who specifically said no kids was left with a couple of parents who insisted on bringing their children and one set of parents who wanted to sit near the front and allowed their children to shout out during the vows and run up the aisle during the service.

My view, dont take the little ones.

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2014 23:38

I'm old-fashioned.

My children went to my father's funeral - 16, 14 and 8. they were upset but fine. And there were babies at the wake which is ideal.

But I really don't think that babies and toddlers should go. I don't think feeding them with snacks or giving them something to play with in the church or crematorium to 'keep them quiet' is appropriate and if they make a noise you may take them out, but they've disturbed the congregation by that time.

But I know I'm in a minority with that one.

RedSoloCup · 22/12/2014 23:41

Hi OP

Not read whole thread (sorry) but we took our kids to their Great Grandmother's funeral (she was 96) as it was in the holidays, my parents are abroad and we had no real choice.

It was absolutely fine so when we lost their grandad this spring they just assumed they would be going and wanted to go.

Again it was fine, really lovely for then to say goodbye. Middle one at the time 7 did get a little overwhelmed and upset but not in a bad way and it hasn't affected them in any way after (that missing their lovely grandad wouldn't anyway).

HTH and Flowers

Kirsty0612 · 22/12/2014 23:47

I agree with the reply that it can be really frightening as a child to see you parents and relatives very upset. The 13 year old would be fine, but I'd miss the service if possible and take them to the wake of you want.

ShadowKat · 22/12/2014 23:48

I would take them, provided that your DH is prepared to take them out if they start getting disruptive.

My maternal grandfather died when my mum was 7, and my mum wasn't allowed to attend his funeral because my grandmother thought my mum was too young. My mum still gets upset about this now. She feels that she didn't get to say goodbye to her father properly.

Nanny0gg · 23/12/2014 00:05

I would take them, provided that your DH is prepared to take them out if they start getting disruptive.

See, this is my problem. The disruption and disturbance has already happened.

Do you all check with the next-of-kin ('chief mourner') before deciding to take your children? Is it always ok with them? If it is, that's fine. But it's them that should be asked really.

SunnaClausIsComingToTown · 23/12/2014 05:30

I'm with Nanny Ogg. If there is any chance that they will disrupt the service then they shouldn't be there. I've been at funerals where there were toddlers who chattered through the service and it was upsetting for the family.

You know your children best. If they can keep quiet and you feel it's appropriate then take them. But if you think they won't behave, then don't.

As I said children don't go to funerals in my family but they are Welsh chapel and very old fashioned. That's the way it's always been.

Eeyore86 · 23/12/2014 06:07

One of my earliest memories is of being at a burial of one of my great uncles my family lived a 3 hour drive away so there was no option of me not going with the rest of my family.

I strongly believe that children should be at funerals, they have lost someone as well regardless whether or not they will fully understand the situation as with your youngest op.

I remember when my grandfather died I was age 11 and there was no question to my immediate family that I would attend the funeral, however I clearly remember walking into my grandfathers house having been out with a friend whilst the service arrangements were being made and my great aunt telling my parents and uncle that I shouldn't attend as it wasn't necessary and wasn't important for me to, I felt so rejected at that moment and never forgave her, it was like I didn't matter at all and it was devastating to me (obviously my parents told her that I would be attending, my DF is very laid back but strongly told her that I would not be missing his fathers funeral)

Don't underestimate the effect/feelings that the sense of not being welcome may have on your children op, 17yrs later and it still makes me angry, my DM was sent to school as normal on the day of her grandmothers funeral age 10 and can remember seeing the funeral cortège passing the playground whilst she stood and watched. My DGM would've been devastated if her beloved grandchildren hadn't attended her funeral and it sounds like yours would've too

Sorry for your loss op Flowers

BendyMum15 · 23/12/2014 06:59

Sorry for your loss. I lost my nan recently and it was her funeral yesterday.
There were children at the service but most of them were teenagers and were given the choice of whether they wanted to go or not. In one family one of the DC went and one chose not to because he wasn't sure he would be able to cope with it.
I didn't take my two as they are both very young, eldest is 3yrs and youngest 7 months. The 3 year old is not good with sitting still and listening and the 7 month old probably would not have been quiet for the length of the service either.
DH looked after them for me as I had 3 siblings going so had plenty of support and of course my parents.
We said we would bring DC to the wake as that was never going to be a solemn thing as nan would not have wanted that.
Hope you manage to work it out and again sorry for your loss.

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/12/2014 07:11

I think you should ask the older ones if they want to go - I don't think you should force a child to go to a funeral, but I don't agree that it's no place for them, especially if they were close to the deceased. Then your 2 yo goes with the majority plan.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 23/12/2014 07:14

I took my children to DH's grandma's funeral last year - they were 8, 6 and 2. FIL is her only surviving child and expected them to be there, and there were other children there from about age 5 up, though DS2 was the only toddler. I did take 2 yo out a few mins into the service, but 8 and 6 year old behaved perfectly. 2 yo was in great demand at the wake and all DH' s grandma's friends wanted to make a fuss of him.

I think if it's somebody very elderly who has had a full life and loved the kids it is no problem for kids to be there - people are sad but not distraught, generally, when somebody dies at the end of a very long life (in this case she was in her 90s). If there are going to be people wracked with grief and falling apart itmay well be less appropriate of course.

Your 17 year old is practically an adult - incomprehensible why anyone would think a 17 year old shouldn't go, nor a 13 year old unless it's going to be very traumatic :/

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 23/12/2014 07:15

Oops sorry I invented you a 17 year old! Not sure how I misread that! Ignore that part!

Homebird8 · 23/12/2014 07:27

When DM died, DSis and I took all five of our children to the burial and the church funeral service. Two of the DCs were 7, two were 5 and one was 2. They were all fine although one of the 7 year olds was very upset at one point during the burial. She expressed her grief like any of us could, she cried and was comforted, and she did it in the context of her loving family. That is what funerals are for.

Children who are unaffected don't lose by being there. Children who understand and feel the intensity of their emotions get out of a funeral the very things it is there for. To deny them this, to my mind, does not allow them respect for their feelings.

I shouldn't worry about taking them. It is fine for them to be in their place in the family.

Leela5 · 23/12/2014 07:33

I'm so sorry for your loss x

I think you know your children so your decision

Incidentally my dgm died when I was 2. I remember my dm being sad and me being looked after my other people. It wasn't until I was an adult that I asked my dm what happened during that time and realised I could remember it clearly. I do think children can be aware of what's happening at that young age so explaining what's happening is important

Welshwabbit · 23/12/2014 07:47

My husband's aunt died last year when my son was 18 months. We took him to the funeral because FIL (the aunt's brother) wanted him to be there - he is their only grandchild and FIL dotes on him. I took him out when he got restless and he was fine. My husband's aunt had five kids and loads of grandchildren, all of whom came. I personally would have found it odd if they hadn't. Sorry for your loss, OP.

ILovePud · 23/12/2014 08:25

Sorry for your loss Hedgehog, you'll know your kids better than anyone so it's for you and your partner to decide and it is a very personal decision. I remember when I was 8 that I was not allowed to go to the funeral of my great aunt whom I was very close to and feeling really sad about this.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 23/12/2014 08:40

We've also always taken our children to funerals. The first one was my husband's gran and the kids were pretty young - can't remember exactly.
At that time i thought it might help them cope with the loss of people who they were closer to in later life - because they would at least have had experience of a funeral.
I think I was right in that respect- they've mostly coped well with the death of their Grandfather whom they loved dearly.
The kids have been to quite a few funerals now, and it's just an event for them.

Bolshybookworm · 23/12/2014 08:40

If your DGM adored them, I would take all of them (have DP sit near the back with the youngest if needs be). I've been to funerals of several dearly loved DGP (mine and others) and children have always been welcome where the DGP has loved them. The last one I went to (my Great-uncle), his DGC (from 2-8) were all involved in some way- lighting a candle during the service, for example. He was an incredibly doting GF and had asked for them to be involved- it was very touching and brought home to everyone how loved he was. It was similar for DHs grandmas funeral, where all her GC attended, from 3-21. The children are also a welcome distraction for your grieving parents.
I would definitely take older children- it's an important opportunity for them to say goodbye. My mum wouldn't let me go to my Step-grandmas funeral as a teenager and I still feel bad about that. I should have been there to show my respect and how much I loved her.

LynetteScavo · 23/12/2014 08:43

I don't get this "funerals aren't for children" attitude.

Funerals are part of life, like christening a and weddings.

But then I'm the weird parent who mentioned to the school my DC were upset they weren't taken to the parish priests funeral as only the school councillors attended.

My DC have always been impeccably behaved at funerals. Apart from the time 3yo DS got too hot at DFs wake and took off his shirt and ran around in his vest.

dangerrabbit · 23/12/2014 08:44

Sorry for your loss.

It's your children, no one else should have a say in whether they are there or not. If your brother doesn't want to bring his own children, let him do that, but he should t be dictating to you at such a sensitive time. My dad died last year and I brought DD to his funeral, she was 2 at the time. I thought it was important that she had a chance to say goodbye to her grandad too.

Crinkle77 · 23/12/2014 08:50

My parents didn't allow me and my sister to attend both grandparents funerals as they too had the attitude that funerals were no place for children. However I feel it didn't give us a chance to say goodbye. One minute they were there and the next they were gone. Even all these years later I still find it odd that we weren't allowed to go or at the very least they should have asked if we wanted to go.