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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take dcs to a funeral?

120 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 21:43

My dcs are 13,7,5 and 2

Dgm passed away yesterday and today it was mentioned to me by two people (db and a family friend) that I shouldn't even be considering taking my dcs. According to one "funerals are no place for children" and the other said "I hope you aren't going to take the children"???

When my grandad passed away years ago dd1 was four and she went and was fine. I don't think the dcs will overly upset and of course if either of the younger two made any noise dh could take them outside.

I honestly didn't even think it would be an issue until today I just assumed we would all go?
AIBU to want to take them I've never come across the opinion before that dcs shouldn't go to funerals

OP posts:
ProcrastinaRemNunc · 22/12/2014 22:23

If you want to take them, do. If your dgm would have wanted them there, have them there. I think it's offensive and insensitive of people, to try to disinvolve them.

I grew up in both england and Ireland and I have to say, I far prefer the inclusive approach of the Irish, which makes the occasions feel so much more a celebration of that persons life, than the solemn (child free) English affairs tend to.

I really do not understand the ostracising of children from funerals!

tazzle22 · 22/12/2014 22:24

sorry for your loss Hedgehog Flowers

All my 5 DGC ( 2 - 14) came to my mums funeral last year... she doted on them all and we felt that whether the little ones "behaved" or not we wanted them there. The older ones were given the option as they understood more and all chose to be there , one read a poem and althought there were some tears there was lots reassurance too. We did make sure that there were less emotionally involved relatives to be in colse contact just in case.

No one can say what it right, there is no right or wrong and no one will really know till after whether a decision was the right one...... just go with your heart.

OutDamnSpot · 22/12/2014 22:27

I took dds aged 2, 5 and 7 to my dad's funeral. It didn't occur to me not to.

My dh did take the youngest to the back of the church as she was fussing a bit. When dh moved from next to me, my 5 year old moved up next to me in the pew and put her arms round me. It is one of the few memories that makes me smile from that day.

If you think your DC will behave / cope then I think they should also get chance to say goodbye.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 22:28

I think Dgm would have wanted them there

OP posts:
Velvetbee · 22/12/2014 22:30

Have always taken mine.
A pot with a mixture of sultanas and a few chocolate buttons kept DD quiet at my grandmother's funeral. She carefully searched through for the buttons and it took her a while.

unlucky83 · 22/12/2014 22:37

Sorry for your loss Flowers
I live 300 miles away from my family so we have to stay at least overnight. Finding someone they are comfortable with to look after them during the funeral is tricky. (DP works shifts and doesn't really know my family that well - so doesn't come)
DD1 (then 3) didn't go to my grandmothers funeral but came to the wake afterwards.
DD1 (6) did go to my great aunt's (as did DD2 who was 6 weeks old - great aunt died 2 days before we were due for first visit in school holiday Sad). This was a burial and the only concern was watching the coffin go into the ground might upset DD1 so we planned on standing away but she wanted to see and was fine.
DD1 (just 11) and DD2 (just 5) both went to my Uncle's -again no problem. Worst part was there was a bit where you could feel the sadness and DD2 started crying -which made me cry more Sad

I think it is one of those things - you know your DCs.
But I think maybe DCs need to go -otherwise you make it into a mystery -which can be more frightening for them - what they imagine may well be worse than the reality. Why is it so terrible they can't be there?
Actually my one regret is not letting DD2 see my uncle's body. The last time she saw him he was seriously ill in hospital (bad stroke) - it was a massive shock, I didn't know how bad he looked and thought hearing DDs voices might help. When we knew he wasn't going to survive we took shifts sitting with him while he died. DD1 was away on a school trip but DD2 stayed at my parents. Our family tend not to view bodies so when the undertaker asked I said no - but DD2 asked lots of questions afterwards - I think she did need to see for herself. But I know I might be in the minority there.

whois · 22/12/2014 22:40

My mum wasn't allowed to go to her dad's funeral it's something she feels very upset about even now.

It's right to take children who are old enough to sit still and quietly to funerals so they can say goodbye too.

unlucky83 · 22/12/2014 22:44

Actually just remembered at my Great Aunt's DD1 thought they 'tipped' the body out of the coffin into the ground. She was most surprised that they buried her in the coffin....
(It actually made us laugh afterwards)

Asheth · 22/12/2014 22:44

I have taken my DC to funerals of my GP and MIL between the ages of 6 months and 8 years. Funerals are to celebrate a life and to say goodbye. Children can be part of that. I would never force a child to go to a funeral but if they want to go then that is a lovely tribute to the relationship they had with their great-grandma.

vdbfamily · 22/12/2014 22:48

I really don't understand why people think children should not go to funerals.My kids are 11,10 and 8 and have probably been to at least one funeral each year of their lives. Great aunts and uncles, a young cousin, a neighbour. I think it is important that death is not a taboo and the funeral service is part of the saying goodbye. It is okay for kids to see adults upset too. Obviously a small child will not understand much but they will be with their siblings and parents and many churches have a 'creche corner' now with some books and toys where a parent can sit with a child who is getting distracted. I would definately all go together as your grandma would have wanted.

HenriettaTurkey · 22/12/2014 22:48

Asheth, beautifully put. I couldn't agree more.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/12/2014 22:49

I'm sorry for your loss OP.Thanks

YANBU, your DCs are part of your family, they should be able to say goodbye, be sad and give comfort just like everyone else.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2014 22:51

I agree totally that funerals are not for children. But every family and bereaved person has their own ideas about this.

mytartanscarf · 22/12/2014 22:55

Why, Vivienne?

mummytime · 22/12/2014 22:56

I've taken mine. DS was 1 1/2 when he went to his Great Uncles, I took him for a long walk before, he actually slept through it (long High Anglican with Communion). He ran around at the gathering afterwards, and helped relieve the atmosphere.
Death is part of life and as such shouldn't be hidden from children.

If a widow etc. asked me to keep children away I would strongly consider it.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2014 22:57

It's a personal thing. People must do what they see fit.

feelingunsupported · 22/12/2014 22:59

In my family children don't go. In DPs family they do. Ds was 6 months when his ggm passed away and we took him - as that's what they do on DPs side. He slept, babbled a bit and loudly filled his nappy during the service. I was mortified every time he made a murmur but none of
DPs family even noticed it. The funeral was about 70% adults and 30% children.

In my family it is expected that children are kept away.

Is there a next of kin? I'd ask whoever was closest to the lady who has passed.

unlucky83 · 22/12/2014 23:01

I was going to say what upset my DCs most - and frightened them -was the adults being upset and crying...but we were doing that anyway not just at the funeral. And as VDB says - there isn't anything wrong with them seeing that ...

MissHJ · 22/12/2014 23:02

I personally don't think children should be at a funeral. It's not the right atmosphere generally and the funerals I have been to, have been child free and certainly children would have been out of place. I went to a funeral when I was 10 but that was my father's. Looking back, I wish my mother who had not been with my father for many years prior, had not taken me. At 10 I did not understand it at all and it was really upsetting. It's a tricky one, only you know how your children will deal with it and what the funeral will be like. The 13 year old would be old enough certainly but I would not take my child at 2 or 7 but again only you can know your children. Sorry for your family loss.

KatieKaye · 22/12/2014 23:06

Actually, one of my earliest memories is seeing my DM crying when my GF died and I was more upset at that than anything else. I'd never seen her cry before and it was incredibly upsetting for me as a small child. And I was very close to my GF and saw him every day, so losing him was hard, but seeing my mum cry seemed like the end of the world.

So don't underestimate the impact this can have on children.

thenightsky · 22/12/2014 23:06

I wasn't allowed to go to a funeral with my parents until I was 14, when I went to my great-aunt's very religious mass and burial. It was lashing with rain and I recall having to stand at the graveside for what felt like hours.

I had nightmares about funerals and deep graves for months afterwards.

feelingunsupported · 22/12/2014 23:07

Also - if you're not involved in organising the funeral please check that dd will be able to read - crem services in my local are strictly 25 minutes which isn't very long at all.

mytartanscarf · 22/12/2014 23:07

I suppose I find it strange that it's generally accepted to be open and honest with children now in an age appropriate way about tricky subjects like sexual abuse, homosexuality, and so on - yet we've become increasingly coy about death when it is the one thing that will happen to us all and affect us all.

I lost my parents young and I'm so glad I was used to the system and rituals of funerals. I can't say I got upset at adults getting upset. Someone had died - it's okay to cry and be distressed. This helps children build empathy. We celebrate their life - this helps children to understand how to keep their loved one with them.

I honestly find it as alien and strange to keep children from funerals as I would to tell children the stork brought them home or they were found in a cabbage patch! It fascinates me how different we all are.

WhereHas1999DissappearedToo · 22/12/2014 23:12

Your 13 old will be fine, as probably your 7 year old but I would give them the option if they want to go. My 13 dd went to her dad's funeral and she was okay.

Mousefinkle · 22/12/2014 23:13

I was never allowed to go to funerals as a child. First funeral I went to was last year! There was only one child there, the deceased's DD. Oh and a handful of teenagers all about 14/15+.

They aren't really a place for children. There's plenty of other ways children can pay their respects rather than going to the funeral and having to see their parents and other relatives so upset... I'm sure they can always go visit the grave/see the urn or something. I used to treasure visits to my DGF's grave even though I missed the funeral. I was four, it's a memory I'm glad not to have tbh.

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