Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To take dcs to a funeral?

120 replies

Edenviolet · 22/12/2014 21:43

My dcs are 13,7,5 and 2

Dgm passed away yesterday and today it was mentioned to me by two people (db and a family friend) that I shouldn't even be considering taking my dcs. According to one "funerals are no place for children" and the other said "I hope you aren't going to take the children"???

When my grandad passed away years ago dd1 was four and she went and was fine. I don't think the dcs will overly upset and of course if either of the younger two made any noise dh could take them outside.

I honestly didn't even think it would be an issue until today I just assumed we would all go?
AIBU to want to take them I've never come across the opinion before that dcs shouldn't go to funerals

OP posts:

hels71 · 23/12/2014 09:14

I had to take my DD to my gran's funeral when she was just 2. It was either that or I could not go. I checked with mum/auntie and they were of the opinion that she was as welcome to be there as anyone else and my gran would have been sad if she had been excluded. In fact lots of people there said how nice it was to see children as it shows how life goes on. She did not go to MiL funeral when she was 5, but she did not want to go and it was a long drive there and back and DH's family have form for getting out of hand (which they did)....

feelingunsupported · 23/12/2014 09:27

"Do you all check with the next-of-kin ('chief mourner') before deciding to take your children? Is it always ok with them? If it is, that's fine. But it's them that should be asked really"

I agree with nannyOgg

Purplepixiedust · 23/12/2014 09:27

I took my 7 yo to my mums funeral in the summer. He was fine. I wouldn't have dreamed of not taking him as they were close. She had been ill a long time and he was very aware. Would have taken him at 5+ as I think he would have handled it ok but as we did wgen the time came, I explained what would happen and gave him the choice. I wouldn't take a 2 yo as they won't understand and probably won't remember when they are older.

When he was almost 3 (my MIL), 5 and 6 (my aunty and uncle) we didn't take him to the actual funeral but rather collected him from nursary/school and took him to the wake. That way we could explain where we had been and say that we were then having a get together/party to think about the person and remember them.

Sorry for your loss. Do what you think is best. You know your children.

Floisme · 23/12/2014 10:40

My son had been to three funerals by the time he was eight. Yes it would have been nice if people he loved hadn't kept on dying but that sadly, is how life goes sometimes.

I'm sorry for your loss and I think you should follow your instincts.

cingolimama · 23/12/2014 11:03

Sorry for your loss OP.

Like many on this thread, I don't understand why children shouldn't attend funerals. It helps them to process their grief (just like adults) and helps, in the long term, to make death a part of life. Rituals are very important, and I feel children shouldn't be excluded.

TBH, it wouldn't occur to me not to take DCs. But that's the way it is in my (Italian-Irish) culture and my DH's (Jewish). Others have different traditions.

WellnowImFucked · 23/12/2014 11:08

Sorry for your loss, I would say if it's not your families norm for children to attend, would be best to double check maybe.

Saying that I'm very much of mytartanscarf's opinion. Death is a normal part of life, the more we try to hide it from children the more of a big deal it becomes. I also think they should see people grieving, so that they know that it is ok to be sad and upset. I also feel it a bit dismissive of their; the children's feelings. Don't they have the right to say goodbye too?

I had several DN's under the age of 5 when my Dad died, they all came and saw him at the house before the funeral and attended the funeral itself and the burial, and to be honest were used as an distraction by all of us when things got a bit much.

They're all teens now and all reckon that they can remember the day and take comfort that they got to say Goodbye.

I guess its down to how/what you see a funeral as being? Is it a solemn affair purely to say goodbye, or is it a goodbye with a celebration of their life?

Dazedconfused · 23/12/2014 11:10

So sorry for your loss.

when I was 5 my grandad died and my older sister and I did not go as
my parents thought we were too young but when I was 10 I went to my granny's funeral and even did a reading.
I recently had to take my baby at 6 days old to her grandfather's funeral who died 4 days before she was born and no one would have suggested I didn't. It really is up to you as you know how your children would behave (the 13 yr old should be there no question)

HolyTerror · 23/12/2014 11:16

I'm Irish and I still find it strange, after decades of living in England, how different attitudes to funerals and children are. It would be highly unusual for Irish children not to attend a family member's funeral, often the wake too, or for people to consider 'disrupting the solemnity of the event' or seeing weeping adults, as legitimate reasons for not letting them attend. For me, they have a right to be there.

People often like to see the very young present, ime, and surely the point of a funeral is the gathering of friends and family to mark a passing, not some kind of sterile picture-perfect ceremony from which all potential human disruptions have been carefully pruned?

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 23/12/2014 11:18

It's all about personal choice. Personally I would allow DD to go to a funeral at any age, if appropriate. I went to my brother's funeral at the age of three and the world didn't end.

5madthings · 23/12/2014 11:20

I think its fine for children to go to funerals and if you think it's what your gran would have wanted (and it sounds like it is) then take them but have a plan b.

nickeljrismybabesitter · 23/12/2014 11:51

I personally think you should take them all.
Death is a part of life and funerals reflect this.
So what if the 2 and 5yo aren't old enough to understand? You can explain to the 5yo in simple teems and the 2yo will take it in their stride.

Mil died in the summer when dd was 2.5yo
We didn't even consider whether she should come.
Of course, dd goes to church every week, so we were worried that she would ve her usual self, wanderi g around and being annoying, bjt she seemed to realise it was different and she waa quiet and remarkably well behaved!
Our church has busy bags for children, but you might want to take a bag of quiet toys and some quiet foid.

Having said that, funerals are really short, about half an hour, so that's something in your favour.

And definitely have dd1 do a readi g if she wants go. That's lovely

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 23/12/2014 11:58

I'm generally in favour of children going to funerals - it's all part of a learning process about life and death which children should be exposed to.

When my dgm died, ds2 was only 13mths, and a typical active, noisy toddler, we didn't think it was appropriate for him to be in the church. My dh looked after him while we the rest of us were in the church service, and then we all went to the wake together afterwards - where he toddled around cutely.

I think it's nice to have children at funerals - esp those related to the person who has died. Kind of reaffirms the circle of life thing.

MewlingQuim · 23/12/2014 12:05

DD has been to 4 funerals and she is not yet 3

Funerals are not just for the dead, they are for comforting the living and children are very good at doing that. Of course they should be there.

I would recommend being at the back or the end of a row just in case of a toddler meltdown, and provide some quiet toys to keep them occupied.

DD did twang a rubber monkey right across the church at my dad's funeral, which was quite disruptive for me and DH, but no one else seemed to notice. Dad would have laughed

LadyGlen · 23/12/2014 12:06

My husband's funeral was 10 days ago and if our 2 grandchildren hadn't been there my daughter wouldn't have been able to go, either.

3 year old DGS was his normal self before and after the service but during it he stayed quietly next to me - not a sound or a wriggle. 7 month old DGD was a little more noisy but DH wouldn't have minded and nor did anyone else. I was glad that they were there.

My mother is of the opinion that children shouldn't go to funerals. She has never articulated as to why she thinks this, just the "way things are done" in her mind, I suppose.

Personally, I wouldn't make hard and fast rules about it.

MERLYPUSSEDOFF · 23/12/2014 12:24

It all depends if it a funeral or a cremation I suppose (which are shorter).
I took my 1 yr old twins to my aunt's cremation. Everyone was glad they were there and some said it proved that life must carry on. Also their babbling was a distraction at the wake.

fleurdelacourt · 23/12/2014 12:41

It's up to the individual.

When my Mum died I knew I didn't want the children at the funeral. They were 8 and 6. I needed to focus on myself. I was not up to comforting them if they were upset in any way. (Although Clearly I had spent time talking about what had happened and comforting them before hand).

I do think children need closure though. We scattered my Mum's ashes later on in the year and the children said their goodbyes then - it was very moving and we were all able to support each other at a private family event.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 23/12/2014 12:46

I'm not a big fan of small children at funerals, tbh, especially not after the disruption that some family members created at my Mum's funeral, which desperately upset my Dad; but your older 2 should be fine, and the 5yo will probably be ok as well, and if your DH is willing to take the 2yo out if he starts to make noise, then I can't see the problem. She was their relative too, sounds like she loved them all to pieces and would be sad to have them excluded.

I say take them - never mind what anyone else's expectations are - but on the proviso that they go out if they start to be disruptive. Not everyone finds childish noise to be beneficial at funerals, some people find it disrespectful - so be mindful of others as well as yourself.

MidniteScribbler · 23/12/2014 12:49

Take them, if they want to go, or if you feel they should. Sit at the back or near the end of the aisle with the younger children and take them out if they get disruptive. Isn't that just basic common sense?

elliejjtiny · 23/12/2014 12:53

So sorry for your loss OP. One of my children has medical issues that means he can't be left too so I understand where you are coming from. Take the children. I took mine to my Dad's funeral when they were 7, 5, 3 and 9 months.

AmberLav · 23/12/2014 12:57

I think if the child is a family member, then that child has as much right as any other family person to be there to say goodbye to their family member.

Maybe it's a Scottish thing, but I went to funerals throughout my childhood, if the person was someone I knew. By the time I was 10, I remember attending the funerals of family friends, including an 8 year old girl with DS who we knew through church, then tragically her father from cancer 4 months later...

A lot of people like seeing the continuity of life at funerals; DGM may have passed but she lives on in her GGCs.

Calipto · 23/12/2014 15:49

I have just come back from my cousins funeral this morning. In the seat behind us was a young girl aged around 6/7 I should think. There was a piece of music playing (one if my cousin's favourites) and we were sitting remembering her but this little girl was whispering to her parent, rustling paper etc. it was very distracting.

Only you know how your children are likely to behave and, whilst I am not against children at funerals, other people have the right to be there and not be disturbed too.

Floisme · 23/12/2014 16:03

I know opinion is divided on this but I hope there will be children at my funeral and that everyone will make a huge fuss of them. Children help me make sense of death.

handcream · 23/12/2014 18:51

Sorry, but how can a 2 year old say goodbye to the dead person. I agree with Nanny - by the time you have taken them out its too late, they have shouted out or caused distruption.

Mehitabel6 · 23/12/2014 18:58

I would take them all,but be prepared to take the youngest 2 out if they can't sit still and silent. I would however ask the person arranging it.

AMillionNameChangesLater · 23/12/2014 19:01

My great grandma died today, have no idea when the funeral is, but I have two children. One 3yr old and one 11month old. I don't know if we would take the children. They didn't meet ggrandma (distance) but also I don't want to disturb anyone. I've left it with my grandpa. If he thinks we should take the boys we will, if not, then I'll travel up alone

Flip

1 2 3 4 5