To give my dd a lift to work and not charge her petrol?

[lia66]

She babysits for a lady 3 evenings a week. Lady is a carer. Dd earns £5 per hour.

The house is 3.2 miles away from our house down country roads.

Dh says she should pay petrol. I dont mind giving her a lift, she's hardly coining it in. If she goes to her bf after it costs her 2.50 for a bus.

Aibu? ( dh conveniently forgets that his mum drive him several miles to work and collected him for years at her age ). Dd is 19.

Just tell DH that you are not charging for petrol- and never will- end of discussion!

Oh I have. He knows it's not open for discussion anymore and he knows that I know he snipes at dd and more and more I pick him up on it.

Yes we've had a rough few years but absolutely she is growing up. Unfortunately he was a model teenager, his brother was the rebel. He comes from a family where mum and dad were married to each other ( although there was older siblings from fathers first marriage) until his dad passed away when dh was early 30's.

I on the other hand was left motherless at 11, brought up / ignored mostly and left to it by a sf that was so drowned in grief that he didn't notice what went on under his own nose. I left our small village at 17 to catch a bus to Switzerland. Dh has no idea what real life is like and therefore is very intolerant of anything that veers from the norm.

I'm organising family counselling for the new year because I do think he really has to put all the past behind him. He doesn't treat my ds like he does dd. (ds is 17)

Anyway thank you all.

I wouldn't charge my kids petrol money personally but then I grew up with the world's tightest mother. She would never drive me anywhere and when I had a part-time job at 16 (two days after school and one weekend day), I finished at 9pm and she NEVER came to collect me, despite the fact that it was a 2 mile walk home, along a barely lit quiet road. Not even if it was absolutely hammering down with rain.
She also used to charge me £35 a week rent when I was living at home, plus loads of chores and I had to pay my own (quite small) landline calls, and contribute towards the household bills. When she moved to a different town I had to leave my job to move with her as I was unable to afford my own place (due to doing my A levels so could only do part-time work). I didn't manage to find a job for a few months so she kept a tab of how much I owed her during that time and I had to pay her back every penny. When I did eventually move out, I had to leave some of my stuff in my old room whilst I sorted out how to move it to my new house. She continued to charge me £35 a week during that time for 'storage' costs

Because of her I don't intend to ask my kids for anything whilst they are living at home so good for you to not charge her. Is it an informal sort of arrangement she has as £5 an hour is not even minimum wage is it?

Bloody belle stillenacht that's rough :(

Hell not belle

Your poor daughter.

Fucking hell stillenacht - that's harsh.

OP I'm glad you're not going to charge your dd...your dh is being preposterous...and hateful.

You still haven't enlightened us to why you ever stayed with a man who was unkind to your child. I know you reckin you have it all in hand and everything...but what possessed you to ever see it out at all?

*reckon

My oldest friend grew up with the same. When she was 11, her dm married this awful man who didn't like my friend. He couldn't be arsed with her at all, and at best treated her like an intruder in her own home who was simply endured. His attitude towards her was one of contempt.
Her mother's solution was to tell my friend to "just ignore him".

When I look back on it, I can't believe my friend's mum ever put her through that. Her response was to go all FUCK IT throughout her adolescence. That's when I met her.
Lovely fucking lassie btw.

pictish it's a very long story that spans years of a violent and abusive ex, dd being rejected, going off the rails. Feel free to check out my posting history.

I stayed with him because I married him and we have 5 younger children to think about who absolutely adore their dad.

Most of the time, I love him. Sometimes I really do hate him and I have come close to leaving. I've told him to leave once.

Dd has had some tough times, but so have we/I. I have always been there for her and I have brought her home against his wishes more than once and would do again if need be. He knows I will always put her first, maybe that doesn't help his feelings. I know he feels incredibly resentful that I've brought her home because he has told me that he hates being forced to live in a situation that he had no choice about - ie dd living in our home.

In my posting history I have had posters telling me I needed to put my other children first, I had to let dd get to rock bottom, I had to think of the rest of the family. I have never been able to abandon her no matter how rough it got and she is secure in that knowledge.

I am arranging counselling because I want him to be able to move on. I think he's jealous of her if I'm honest.

He has some very Dickensian ideas, he can be quite controlling but I the whole, he's not a bad man.

He hasn't always been like this with her. The first few years were great. It was only when she hit 14 and started stealing which led on to all sorts of crap that things got bad.

Only a total tight arse would charge her.

Because he is the grown up and she is part of your family, he needs to look forward and put the stealing behind him. If he changed his way with her, she would respond positively.

I may charge a token fee to give a lesson in expenses, but i would also secretly bank it for her.

Pictish, I have a couple of friends who grew up with step dads that hated them. As adults, they have realised that their mum had a choice and sadly it wasn't them. They both have little to do with their mums or half/step siblings now.

It's soul destroying to live somewhere you are not wanted by an adult knowing that you can't change the situation until you earn enough to leave home.

I just love the way he moans about "being in a situation he didn't choose" (having your dd live in your house)

Well, he can fuck off then because actually she was there first

What a twat

No doubt her problems are linked to having to live with an arsehole who hates her.

For those that begrudge helping their children;

My parents helped me. Lifts money, travel, all sorts. They are now reaching a point where it will be reciprocated. As I remember how good they were to me and actively want to help in future now it's not so great for them. I remember my wonderful child hood and well, I'll do everything I can for their elder years.

It's because we are family. And we love each other.

Merry Christmas

merry christmas!my parents couldn't do enough for me either and I always knew they loved me

I did as much as I could for my mum right to her last day and when she died the warden in her care complex told me she had died feeling loved...that meant the world to me

what goes round, comes round...or should....

StilleNachtCarolling I am so sorry to hear of your experiences with your mum she sounds really mean and horrible to you. I would imagine that kind of thing colours your view of your parent. I am so sorry. I am glad you are being different with your kids. It means you had the strength of character to know that how your mum treated you was wrong.

I wouldn't and didn't charge my Dd when I had to take her back and forth to work. It just didn't seen fair.

Lia when you said *I am arranging counselling because I want him to be able to move on. I think he's jealous of her if I'm honest.

He has some very Dickensian ideas, he can be quite controlling but I the whole, he's not a bad man.*

I hope the counselling goes well. I think your husband is totally wrong to be jealous of your daughter, and it is a very sad sign. I hope the counselling helps.