Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my dd a lift to work and not charge her petrol?

124 replies

lia66 · 22/12/2014 21:39

She babysits for a lady 3 evenings a week. Lady is a carer. Dd earns £5 per hour.

The house is 3.2 miles away from our house down country roads.

Dh says she should pay petrol. I dont mind giving her a lift, she's hardly coining it in. If she goes to her bf after it costs her 2.50 for a bus.

Aibu? ( dh conveniently forgets that his mum drive him several miles to work and collected him for years at her age ). Dd is 19.

OP posts:
TerryDolittle · 23/12/2014 00:22

Seem to read this kind of thing a lot with partners (male and female) who have this sort of attitude towards their step-children. It's quite sad.

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 01:17

I wouldn't charge my child either. In fact, this is part of the reason I learnt to drive, to make sure I could get my children where they need to go.

But I have to ask why a non driver would take a job that's 3.2 miles away, down a country road? Probably because she knew she could rely on her mum to get her there & back?

QuinnTwinny · 23/12/2014 01:23

I'm 26 and my dad happily gives me a lift if I'm working weekends. I never ask, I'm quite happy getting a bus and listening to my music. He would honestly never dream of asking me for the money for petrol as it is so insignificant. Tell your DH to do one!

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 23/12/2014 02:48

In a way I do agree in that it's her responsibility to be able to commute to her job, it is nice that you do give her a lift but I would make it clear that it's a temperory thing. Where does it stop.

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 03:05

where does it stop Hmm..where the op wants it to?

Why do people treat their children like this once they hit the world of work?

In wonder what people would think if the op was elderly & needed to be driven to the shops on a weekly basis & her daughter was refusing...

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 23/12/2014 03:14

I am assuming as the business has had to close then money is a bit tight, petrol cost maybe DH is worried about money.

It does need to stop, adult children need to learn to be self serficiant.

sykadelic · 23/12/2014 03:29

Yes I do think you should charge her. Not necessarily money but a car related chore as "payment".

That could be cleaning the car or taking it to put petrol in it (once she has her license and you pay for petrol) for example. Just because she's your child doesn't mean she shouldn't be encouraged to be responsible and thankful.

3.2 miles isn't that far honestly... its not like you're driving her somewhere 1/2 hour away. You'd do the same distance, probably more, if you were dropping her off at a friends house.

Have you asked your DH why he thinks you should charge her? Because she's earning money? Does he feel she's acting entitled?

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2014 03:29

I would not charge her. It is good she wants to work and is able to do it.

Like someone else said, when parents are older the children need to give lifts etc and do quite a few things for them.

My top priority would be her safety in getting there and home and I would tell my dh this. If it were my dd and I started charging her she might get a bike and cycle home or a moped/death trap like my sister had at her age (she survived it but I am not sure how safe she was on it!) and that would be the last thing I'd want out of her job.

My parents were very generous with lifts etc before I had a car. I am sure this will not last long and she will get a different job at a different time etc but as baby sitting is at night normally it would be my main priority that she got there and back OK and I would tell my dh so, and remind him of his experiences of being driven around as a teenager/young adult!

sykadelic · 23/12/2014 03:36

differentnameforthis Why do adult children treat their parents like this once they're grown? At what age do you decide it's time for your kids to learn to stand on their own 2 feet?

I'm not saying cut them off, I'm saying they need to learn to support themselves, be self-sufficient if needed. Constantly relying on mum isn't something to encourage. Knowing mum is there if needed, is.

OP's adult child is 19. She should have her license by now. May not have a car but should be actively trying to save money for a car. I also hope she didn't accept this job without first asking her mother if she could give her a lift... not doing so would be acting entitled.

Cerisier · 23/12/2014 05:45

Why am I not remotely surprised that DH isn't DD's dad? I am depressed that I guessed it before it was asked.

At least DD is doing a job and trying to earn some money. I would rather keep my DD safe and warm in a car than let her walk or cycle on country lanes. Why not make her life easier when you can? It is what family and friends do for one another.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2014 06:44

OMG, if I told you what DH and I had done to facilitate my teenager's entry into the world of working your H would have a heart attack and I would totally out myself.

It is fucking tough out there and I think supportive parents should be doing all they can to help them get on their feet. It will pay off in the end when they can cite work experience on a CV, get good references and otherwise put themselves in a much position to move up the ladder and apply for better jobs

Your H is being stingy and mean

bigbluestars · 23/12/2014 06:49

cerisier- me too- the first thing that sprung into my head when I read the first post.

My OH ( my kids father) would walk both ways if neccessary to pick up our DD to keep her safe if we didn't have a car.

The thought of charging her is plain mean. What is their realtionship like in other areas?

GokTwo · 23/12/2014 06:58

Of course yanbu. I used to live right out in the sticks when I was younger and my dad used to regularly take me to work in the nearby city 15 miles away. I'd get the bus home but he still had to get me from the bus stop which was 4 miles from our house. I don't think it ever occured to him to charge me petrol money! Blimey! 3 ish miles is nothing!

krustyem · 23/12/2014 06:59

What a nob. skyadelic, how's she supposed to save to get her licence if she's forking out mist of her pittance of an earnings on petrol? Not everything you do for your children has to be a hard slog lesson, you can just help them out, that's what nice people do for each other

krustyem · 23/12/2014 07:01

Nob was directed at husbandWink

ChristmasEva50 · 23/12/2014 07:06

Why do adult children treat their parents like this once they're grown? At what age do you decide it's time for your kids to learn to stand on their own 2 feet?

It's about being family and helping each other. My mother gave me a lift if I needed it. She gave me money if I was short. She brought me a potato, wrapped in kitchen roll, ready to bake in the microwave for my tea when she visited. When she had to give up driving I took her to the shops when she needed it (she could have got a bus or taxi). I took her little "hampers" of M&S dinners (she could have got meals on wheels). It's about helping each other.

I drive my older two (19 & 17) here and there if they need it. Sometimes they make their own way. They can be independent if required but they still are and always will be my children and I don't mind making their lives easier if I can.

OP YANBU.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 23/12/2014 07:06

May not have a car but should be actively trying to save money for a car.

The car is not the expensive part, it is the insurance. Saying she should. Save for a car is somewhat naive.

No, I wouldn't charge my child for petrol. I especially wouldn't so so when they are struggling having been unexpectedly made unemployed. Not because my children are (or will be) "entitled" but because I am a caring human being.

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 23/12/2014 07:08

Equally, I would not expect them to charge me for petrol when taking their aged mother somewhere in the distant future.

GokTwo · 23/12/2014 07:10

I would also say that if you choose to live out in the sticks (not saying you do, just remembering my own teenage frustrations!) then it is up to you to help your kids out with lifts. It is really, really difficult being that age and trying to be independent, get jobs, see friends etc when you live miles from anywhere!

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 23/12/2014 07:32

I'm in the minority, but it think she should contribute and also consider getting a bike when the weather is better.

How many hours a week does she do? It sounds like the OP is doing 6 x 6 mile round trips a week, so there's time too. Maybe a pound for each time? The DD will still keep most of the money she earns.

If she had her own house she would have to pay her way and unless the OP is very well off the DD is at an age where she needs to start thinking about how much it costs to run houses, cars etc.

SuchSweetSorrow · 23/12/2014 07:43

Yes I also guessed that the DH wasn't her father

He sounds a joy.

Chasingsquirrels · 23/12/2014 07:59

My DP's 16yo (yr 11) daughter has a job a few miles from her house, mainly her mum takes her but sometimes she asks DP for a lift - it's probably a 40 min round trip from here. As long as he doesn't have plans he is happy to do it, often at very late notice. If no one can take her she needs to get a taxi - it's £14, she earns around £5 an hour, tbh completely honest when DP says he will pay for her taxi that seems a bit much, but I suppose when I think about it I think it's better that she has a job.

Gileswithachainsaw · 23/12/2014 08:12

of course I wouldn't charge her. its hardly leaving her loaded is it. It would probably cost her more to work than she was earning if you charged her.

its not as if she's sat around doing bugger all at home and refusing to look for work.

But then my parents rook my paper round money off me most weeks to pay for school travel.

had nothing to show for Sunday mornings in the pouring rain freezing my tits off.

so I'm pretty sympathetic towards her tbh. give it two years and she will join the rest of us being skint and barely anything to show for working.

LaQueenAnd3KingsOfOrientAre · 23/12/2014 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 23/12/2014 08:55

It does need to stop In your opinion. Not in ops.

Swipe left for the next trending thread