To give him £100

[sandra159]

DS is 12 and lives with his dad. For Xmas he asked me for money. Originally it was going to be 200 pound. However, he's been a complete sod, hasn't been in school for 4 weeks, when he was in he was disruptive. He's sent me message telling me to fck off and he's carved "d@ckhead" in the side of my dp van. We've had no apology from him and the rudeness just keeps in coming.
Am I being unreasonable to give him half of what I told him he would get? Due to his behaviour and attitude?

I wouldn't give him anything to be honest. Although, I think you should tryot get to the bottom of this. Why doesn't he live with you?

I would not even give him that. Very few children will get that at Christmas, does he deserve more than most?

How about £0? Santa doesn't come to bad children...

Massive back story, he tends to flit from me to dad, hates it here because we have rules and consequences and dad doesn't. He was here but dad bought him a motorbike so he went back, last week "rewarded" his truanting with a new dog. Currently going through the whole court process

He hasn't been to school for 4 weeks? Ruined his dad's van? I wouldn't be worrying about how much cash he's getting for Christmas I would be thinking about therapy.

His behaviour is outrageous. What's been his punishment and boundaries???

£100! Thats alot of money. Why is he behaving so badly? Sounds like he needs support. Not going to school for four weeks. Be tempted to do as a toddler and reward good behaviour but not with money. Id be worried the behaviour is linked to a cry for help, bullying, worried about something. As he lives with his dad have you spoken to his dad.

I think you would be crazy to give him that much money for Christmas

I don't think you can give nothing, but maybe something useful like stationery/stationary (can't think of the right spelling fgs)

Or a coat/clothing?

This is the thing, I have 3 dc and the other 2 live with me, they've both worked their socks off this year and I've budgeted 200, maybe a little less, so I don't want it to be like I'm favouriting them and treating him different

Yes yabu , am shocked at pp calling him bad. His behaviour sounds like he has problems , not a great life for a child flitting between living with his mum and dad.

But he's behaving differently so he should be treated differently. That's not favouritism, that's being a parent to all your children - the ones living with you may copy his behaviour if there are no apparent consequences.

I wouldn't give him anything given the list of things he's done recently. However, he could earn it back if he showed a dramatic improvement in his behaviour between now and the New Year maybe?

He's been seen by CAMHS, they said he was fine, lack of discipline (shit parenting on dad's part) hence the court case. He's 12, he knows it's wrong to tell his own mum to fck off surely?

I'd be putting that £200 towards repairing your dp's van!

Stick the £200 in an account, tell him this and any future presents are subject to his behaviour and attendance at school.
In the meantime this flitting between homes needs to be resolved. No court is going to be impressed with this lack of structure affecting his school attendance.

behaviour has consequences. use the money to pay the excess on getting the van fixed. tell him this is what is happening. allow him to earn money back by going to school and good behaviour.

That's a fab idea! I'll do that. He can earn it.

Yes tell him unfortunately the money he would have got is needed for repairs now

Sorry X post

Why are you blaming this all on his father? Why doesn't he want to be at home with you and other DC and his SD? I'm amazed you absolve yourself of all responsibility here to be honest.

I think this is a cry for help, as londonrach suggests. I've taught 12 yr olds, and really bad behaviour usually has an under-story of distress or disturbance of some kind.

I wouldn't give him the money, as it would be rewarding bad behaviour. But I agree Kangaroo's idea is a good one.

I'd also try and get to the bottom of what is seriously upsetting him. And I'd start with his dad. Most children deep down much prefer boundaries and consequences, so your home sounds better for him than his dad's, in spite of the goodies he gets from him. The fact it's all going through the court at the moment is also a factor in his behaviour. I should imagine he's torn between over-indulgent dad and sensible, firm mum.
You must be very worried op. I hope you can sort it out.

Oh my goodness I thought he was 15 or 16 from your OP. Why on earth is a 12 year old child allowed to flit between homes?

I'm usually not into guilt trips but aren't you taking any responsibility for this? Missing four weeks of school? What have you done about that?

This all sounds traumatic for him, he's still a young child!

A big fat zero, his behaviour is appealling and there needs to be consequences. He is 12 not 5, old enough to know. When I was 10 I lost my dad and was sent to boarding school, noway would I have behaved like that to my mum.

How will your other kids feel, knowing they worked hard and behaved and he's getting £100. Unfair! It's like your rewarding bad behaviour.

Yes 12, not 18. He is a young child and clearly needs helps. If he hasn't been to school for four weeks, I fail to see how the OP doesn't take some responsibility for this. Most kids like to please adults, not piss them off! Something is very wrong here and at that age he shouldn't have free rein on deciding to up and move between houses like this.

Fanfeck I guess he's flitting from home to home as he has contact with his father which presumably is court ordered so has to go.

He is not responsible enough to be in possession of £100. Put it in an accoun for him, in your name for now. Let him think he has nothing. This child needs some serious boundaries and consequences.