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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give him £100

78 replies

sandra159 · 21/12/2014 10:27

DS is 12 and lives with his dad. For Xmas he asked me for money. Originally it was going to be 200 pound. However, he's been a complete sod, hasn't been in school for 4 weeks, when he was in he was disruptive. He's sent me message telling me to fck off and he's carved "d@ckhead" in the side of my dp van. We've had no apology from him and the rudeness just keeps in coming.
Am I being unreasonable to give him half of what I told him he would get? Due to his behaviour and attitude?

OP posts:
Fanfeckintastic · 21/12/2014 12:06

Doing his room with the money is a great idea.

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:07

Have you asked the court for supervised contact?
Have you spoken to someone about him seeing a child psychologist or someone who can help with anger management.
Does he feel welcome in your house?
Does he know he is loved?
How is he with his siblings.
What does your DP have to say about this?
Can he come home if he wants, even if he has sworn at you?
Have you tried to make your home a nice place for him to want to live? I appreciate his dad sounds like a dick, but kids are smart and when well-adjusted, they will understand that cash in itself does not make for a happy life.

Happy36 · 21/12/2014 12:09

I would not give him the money and explain to him why. If you think he will want to, draw up a list of expectations that you both agree he should and can meet and then when that has bee. done discuss a

Philoslothy · 21/12/2014 12:10

Do you have shared access? Can't you move away with him?

ItsaboatJack · 21/12/2014 12:10

I wouldn't give him cash, what's is an out of control 12 yr old going to do with £200 cash. Can you really not think of anything nice to give him? Get him a few presents that show that you've thought about him.

iniquity · 21/12/2014 12:11

I would worry what he would spend the £200 on.
You need to be able to monitor the money.
People should stop judging the op. She is in a very difficult situation.

Happy36 · 21/12/2014 12:12

suitable belated Christmas gift. Hold firm on expecting the best from him because then he will always know in his heart of hearts that you know he can do better and respect him. (Sorry, my phone is mad.)

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 12:13

OP you say that he flits between you so maybe that is something that you could take control of. For example, if he falls out with his dad and tries to come back to you, say no. Let his dad deal with the consequences of spoiling him with irresponsible material things?

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:14

People should stop judging the op. She is in a very difficult situation

OP posed the question, many have answered. Considering not giving a clearly mixed-up young boy a Christmas present due to adverse behaviour is to be judged!

Fanfeckintastic · 21/12/2014 12:18

fair I think that would be the worst thing the OP could do. Imagine how that would damage him, at twelve his own mother saying nope you can't come here!

PortofinoVino · 21/12/2014 12:20

This is the thing, I have 3 dc and the other 2 live with me, they've both worked their socks off this year and I've budgeted 200, maybe a little less, so I don't want it to be like I'm favouriting them and treating him different

They've 'worked their socks off' and he been appalling behaved.......and you are worried about favouriting them and treating him different? Really Shock

Original poster
sandra159 · 21/12/2014 12:21

Fairenuff, I did last time he fell out with dad, I told him no, he ha to deal with the consequences but then his dad actually kicked him out the pissed off on holiday!! I then found emails from his dad whilst on holiday telling him he was coming back for him, not to listen to anything dp or I told him and if he got in to trouble he would "smash our faces in" on his return! I then took it to court. Next hearing is soon.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:22

They've worked their socks off? What does that even mean in this context?

Original poster
sandra159 · 21/12/2014 12:23

Porto, I meant treating him differently because he lived with dad, not because of his behaviour.

OP posts:
Annafromtheoffice · 21/12/2014 12:23

I wouldn't retract the offer of the money - it would be terrible for him to lose trust in authority figures, especially as it seems as though he's going through something. If you show that you can't trust him then he will lose faith in you and it would damage relations at what might be a crucial time. Talk to him - tell him that the offer of £200 still holds, but that you'd like to see a significant improvement in his behaviour first. Explain that it would be irresponsible to give that amount of money to somebody who has been acting so recklessly. Don't punish him - he might be outing out as a way of asking for help. x

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:25

That's an appalling email!
And you wonder why he's so messed up.
You need to tell him you love him and that you want him to be happy and that no matter what, he is welcome in your house to spend time with you all. He doesn't seem to know that and of course you said he couldn't come home and then his dad fecked off and left him.

Poor boy :-(

Original poster
sandra159 · 21/12/2014 12:25

Bamboo, at school, at home, they've had no contact with dad since February (dad's choice). They've handled things really really well.

OP posts:
LittleMissRayofHope · 21/12/2014 12:27

Agree with some saying therapy/councilling.

Give him a card saying £100 but you owe DP for The van so I've given him the cash

DamnBamboo · 21/12/2014 12:27

So the court process needs to work itself through and hopefully only supervised contact will be allowed.
But please, please make sure he knows he is loved and that you want him to be happy and that if he can behave respectfully, he can come at any time.
Tell him you'd like him there for Christmas with you! Make him feel loved even when it's hard to.

wickedlazy · 21/12/2014 13:51

I think you should spend the full £200 on presents for him. Seems as if he is going through a tough enough time already without thinking "my mum didn't get me anything for christmas". I think if you give him £0 or £100 (when he is old enough to twig your other dp's presents costs closer to £200) it will send him running back to his dad again.

fromparistoberlin73 · 21/12/2014 16:03

oh dear OP

I think you and he need some help, in the form of therapr/mediation to help you in your parenting of him. you could hold back some of the money as an incentive? this behaviour sounds like a massive cry for help TBH

Tobyjugg · 21/12/2014 16:11

Totally unreasonable. I'd tell the little shit that his Xmas present was your dp's van's respray.

WalkingInaWhippetWonderland · 21/12/2014 16:18

He's experiencing trauma and needs help.
Please treat him the same as your other children, otherwise you will be re-enforcing the lack of worth that he may be feeling.
I wouldn't give him money I would take him shopping, just you and him, and let him choose things to the value of £200. If you give him money, I bet he will make bad choices, you will be pissed of with him again and the cycle continues.
You and your ex will have to work together if you are to help him, I'm afraid.

whois · 21/12/2014 16:19

He's 12 with a God awful father who's fucking him up! Have a little compassion people.

anothernumberone · 21/12/2014 16:20

Something is wrong here

^^ this really although I can imagine your difficulty. I would give no money, zero. I would however get him £200 worth of clothes or whatever to clearly show I am still here waiting in the wings, in his home, where he is always welcome on my eyes. I would also accept that there is the possibility that I have some but not all of the responsibility for the predicament he finds himself in just to get myself through

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