To give him £100

[sandra159]

DS is 12 and lives with his dad. For Xmas he asked me for money. Originally it was going to be 200 pound. However, he's been a complete sod, hasn't been in school for 4 weeks, when he was in he was disruptive. He's sent me message telling me to fck off and he's carved "d@ckhead" in the side of my dp van. We've had no apology from him and the rudeness just keeps in coming.
Am I being unreasonable to give him half of what I told him he would get? Due to his behaviour and attitude?

Op are you not able to ensure he goes to school? Surely after 4 weeks someone will have done something like truant officers etc? If you can't directly do something like take him to school then why haven't you done something indirect- speak to school or something? I'd be very surprised if the school hasn't contacted social services by now. It is very concerning that a young boy is being allowed to basically parent himself, you must do something! Poor boy

Not sure why the default option here is to enforce punishment without finding out what the problem is.

I'm not saying to give him the money, but why are so few actually concerned what is going through this lad's mind, to behave so erratically and badly.
It's not normal and he needs help. The OP is his mother and has a responsibility to help him

Are your other children your DP's (his step dad's) children?

Is he the only one with a different dad?

If that's the case aero then it wouldn't be a case of "flitting" but more structured, in which case things like 4 weeks off school shouldn't be able to happen.

This has really struck a cord with me because I was left to live with my dad at 12 and also "flitted" between homes. It resulted in me feeling totally unwanted and being treated like an adult, a child shouldn't be responsible for making these arrangements. While I had all this going on there were people in my class who still had their lunches made, their uniform hung out each morning, being walked or driven to school.

How much money you're giving him for Christmas should be the least of your worries OP, this is your child and it seems like he's just being left to his own devices!

Agree with fan.
Start taking some responsibility for your child OP and stop making this all about you.
You are his mother and by law you need to protect and care for him. You don't appear to be doing that.

Are you giving him other Christmas presents and equal to your other kids? If not,then give him the money or presents.Christmas presents are not about enforcing behaviour

I think it is quite common for children from a previous relationship (especially male ones for some reason) to act out like this at his age.

Perhaps he no longer feels secure.

Perhaps he can see your current DP mistreating you and wants to hurt him.

Perhaps he is jealous of being on the side lines of what he perceives as your perfect family unit.

Perhaps his dad is telling him rubbish about you an and your DP.

Whatever the reason, he is your child and your responsibility. He is acting out for a reason and he wants you to take notice.

â?¢damnâ?¢ I'm with you. Children don't behave like that when they are happy, punishment will only cement how misplaced he feels in the family, especially at Christmas. I'm not saying he doesn't need consequences, but first and foremost he needs understanding. Tough love has its place , of course, but unless you have a clear understanding of why he is behaving that way (have you asked him op?) then you are not likely to get anywhere through punishment. It is more likely to push him away and make him feel inadequate compared to your other children. I feel for you, op. We all want the best for our children, sometimes it is hard to make things work in a way that benefits everyone

I am not saying there isent something emotionally wrong, there obviously is if he goes to Cahms, but the immediate behaviour has to be dealt with.

but the immediate behaviour has to be dealt with

Yes it does. How do you know he's been mostly good all year except for recently. Much easier to punish, or suggest punishments than to actually get to the route cause of the problem. That actually requires a bit of effort and engagement with the child.

And in the kindest way op, you are responsible for his happiness and wellbeing, not him for yours. If his dad isn't taking that responsibility seriously then you need to step up and shoulder it all. Make your son feel like he has someone fighting for him, as at the moment I fear he is a bit lost and feeling overwhelmed at the responsibility he has been given for himself

It is really hard when one parent does nothing.
One of my mates kids used to flit. Dad was a waste of space who was all about the fun. Whereas mums is was boundaries, chores and rules. Normal things.
Dad would buy him everything and anything, whereas mum wouldnt.
He asked mum for a bike, he had lost/sold a few before so rightfully mum said he would have to earn it.
Off he went to dads, who bought him the bike.
Mum would ask him to tidy his room. Off he would go to dads where he was able to do whatever he wanted.
Didn't want to go school fine. Easier for dad, who didn't have to drive him in.
Mum tried to get him to school, driving over to dads. Of course she couldn't Storm in. She would talk to dad at the doorstep, his attitude was oh well tough shit.
Attendance officer would make appointments, he wouldn't show. So there would be mum, ao and someone from school not being able to do anything. Even when officer went round dad
Would be oh well tough shit.

What I am saying is its ok blaming mum, but sometimes they are powerless and can only be resolved with court intervention if at all.

The behaviour was nothing to do with bullying or anything else. He just wanted everything his
Mates did, things that mum had to save
For but dad could be instantly. Didn't want to do chores cos none of his
Mates did..although he found that to be wrong when he decided to live with one of his mates.

The immediate behaviour is clearly stemming from the issues.

I would totally scrap the money idea for a start, usually it's a fine present but in this instance it just seems cold and thoughtless. Why don't you go out and buy him a few really thoughtful gifts that he will love, things you can do/play with/build together, tickets for a day out just the two of you. Show him you care about him and his interests. Cold hard cash is just that in this case.

I can't get him to school as I live in a different borough and the other two start at the same time.
I do take responsibility for him! I had him on a trial at a school near me (his school requested he trial somewhere else) and he loved it, then dad bought him a motorbike and he left! His behaviour is extremely difficult for me to manage, he's aggressive and violent, he smashes things up and runs away to dad where he welcomes him with open arms.
Like I say, there is a massive back story and he has a safeguarding social worker (other two don't) and it's currently going through the courts.
I blame dad because it's his fault, they all have the same dad yes, he's had very little contact with the other two and we have no problems with them at all, speaks volumes in my opinion.

Thanks fan feckin, yes it did feel a little cold. I want him to appreciate what he's getting but also realise that his behaviour is unacceptable, alon with the other two feelin like their behaviour is acceptable and they will be rewarded as such.

What speaks volumes is the fact that you absolve yourself of responsibility and clearly aren't doing enough.

It is very much your fault too!

If his dad is so bad, why aren't you fighting tooth and nail to manage this whole thing a bit better, instead of washing your hands of it.
Have you sought help for his behaviour? Why is he aggressive and violent?

You reward your children at Christmas so the other two get stuff and he won't. And you think this is going to help?
This is getting worse and worse.
The person who should have the most sympathy here is your lad.
He's 12 and angry and aggressive and violent! What are you doing to help him?

Have I said I've washed my hands? Have I said I'm not fighting tooth and nail?
I'm on the phone to school every single day, I've dropped the two at school and drove the 5 miles before work to get him from dads (whose gone to work and left him in bed btw) and take him to school to be greeted with an open window and told to fck off.
I'm on the phone to safeguarding every single day.
I have not and will not ever wash my hands of him.

Christmas isn't about rewards FFS. It's about loving and giving to show love,appreciation etc.

No wonder your son has issues

Sandra if he has a safeguarding social worker is there anything they can do to make sure he remains with you? I'm sure they will agree with you in that his dad is not looking after his best interests, can they do something to ensure that either his dad does this or D's stays with you?

You just said you didn't live close enough to get him to school and now you're saying you do? If his dad is this bad, then the courts should be dealing with it, although it sounds as though they are.

Why is he telling you to fuck OP? This is not normal behaviour at all.

I totally agree with bamboo. I hate to come down so hard on a parent because usually we all wrack ourselves with guilt over the most ridiculous of things from day one but you don't seem to believe you play any part in this mess. He shouldn't be allowed to "run" off to his dad's. You shouldn't be here asking if you should give him one hundred pounds or two hundred pounds, you should be over on the behaviour section asking for help in supporting your poor son. Twelve is so young, you're still going on about his behaviour and being rewarded etc but can't you see there's a much bigger issue at play here that goes way beyond this.

See the things you're saying about his father, my mother said exactly the same about mine and it hurt desperately that she allowed me to live with someone she thought was such a terrible excuse of a parent.

I live 5 miles away, the ore start at the same time, I drove over after I'd dropped the other two off, tried to get him to school, although late, better than not at all!

Spend the hundred pounds taking him somewhere rather than just giving him him money. Perhaps spend it decorating his room to encourage him to stay. He clearly needs lots of love and attention.

He doesn't want to live with me, as I said earlier, we have rules and consequences, dad doesn't, dad flashes the cash, I can't. Even his school have suggested I ask court for supervised contact only with dad as he has such a negative impact on his behaviour. It might seem like I'm doing nothing but there's loads going on so I can get this sorted, when you have a 12 yr old who doesn't want to live with you, when you force it you just get the negative behaviour and it's very difficult when we have two other younger children to consider as well.