To ruin Christmas by telling dh I am pregnant?

[Chocolatewispa]

I have just found out I am pregnant. Af is not due till Xmas eve. I don't want to tell dh until then incase it turns out to be a chemical. I have done a frer and clear blue both bfp. We have a dd 14 months who was not planned. Dh was angry and upset the whole pregnancy making the whole experience miserable.
I just started taken the mini pill (after 14 months of withdrawal method!) this month. I don't think I have taken it the same time every day:-(
If I tell dh on Xmas eve it's guaranteed to make Xmas crap. If I don't tell him he will suspect by my lack of drinking. I am so sad that this won't be a wonderful surprise for him.

Have to agree with the others. Being afraid to tell your husband you are pregnant after all those months of using the bloody withdrawal method screams deep problems in your relationship to me.

Also the fact you are thrilled and he is going to be horrified again speaks volumes.

Tell him ASAP. Don't drop it on him on xmas eve.

OP, either you are backtracking because you are not ready to accept that he has treated you badly and is not, in fact, a good father and partner. Or, for some reason known only to yourself, you tried to make him out as worse than he is:

Dh was angry and upset the whole pregnancy making the whole experience miserable.

My husband was simply in the shock with pregnancy of dd. he was caring to me, attended all midwife appointments and was an amazing birth partner

Which statement is true?

www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/867.aspx?categoryid=73&subcategoryid=103 for debrianna.

Good luck OP

I got pregnant on the mini pill despite taking it at exactly the same time every day. As contraception goes, it's not the.most reliable. I'd never use it again.
You should tell your dh today so he can have his reaction before Christmas.

OP, tell him today. He's not bothered about taking responsibility for contraception, I can't believe he was so childish to go with the the withdrawl method and not think it might result in a pregnancy.

Neither of you sound very grown up about this. You 'knew' a second would be an accident? had you not discussed a possible second at some point and what sort of age gap he'd like? It just strikes me that you're just both pretended that pregnacies just happen.

Tell him today to avoid it spoiling Christmas, stop acting like this sort of stuff is out of your control.

I agree the mini pill isn't the best. But it's even less reliable when not taken correctly, as stated by the OP. I just feel she should've told her DH this, so that they could've used alternatives - I think it was a little unfair and even deceptive to let DH think she was taking the pill properly when she wasn't.

My DF told me when I was about 14 that getting off at Fratton sounds all very well but sometimes the train goes on to Portsmouth and if it does, it does.

You've got a problem and it's not being pg, it's him.

Are you worried that as you wanted another and he doesn't, he might think that it wasn't accidental and you have chosen to get pregnant?
Doesn't mean that he isn't equally responsible and needs to deal with the situation as an adult, a partner and a father.

It might seem an odd thing to pick up on, but did he really attend all your midwife appointments? That would be very unusual, and a bit controlling!
Congratulations on your pg.

Andrew - everytime I go through Haymarket station I think of the same saying, different stations!

Andrew - they weren't even using the withdrawal method though anymore, DH thought OP was correctly taking the pill- which she knew she wasn't...

A close relative of mine works in an area involving vulnerable pregnant women and the outside the home,inside the home persona flip of the fathers is a big red flag. He appears to be the best thing since sliced bread at all the social parts of the pregnancy (appointments, classes,scans etc) but behind closed doors his partner is made to feel miserable. I hope for the OPs sake this was not the case but it certainly reads like that.

What I am expecting to happen when I tell him is that he will be in shock again

You were using the withdrawal method for 14 months! Surely he knows how babies are made? If you are adult enough to have sex then you need ot be adult about the realities of what might happen after you do so!

I'd consider telling him after Christmas. It is very common for pregnancies to not get through the first couple of weeks and you have tested very early.

But assuming this pregnancy works our CONGRATULATIONS and I think small gaps between children are the best. They will hopefully be close as siblings and you get all the nappy days out the way in one shot.

I also think it's deceitful to have sex with your DH if you knew you were not taking the mini pill properly. After 10 years together I don't think it's unreasonable for him to expect you to be honest with him.

However, as he was happy to use the withdrawal method then he can't be too bothered about you getting pregnant.

I would tell him ASAP, I don't think you can gauge his reaction from hearing about the first pregnancy with this time. It's very different and he might be thrilled.

Hope it all goes well.

I agree with happy, her points are valid. Very unresponsible of you both especially for having sex with him when you KNEW you had not taken the pill correctly; it could lead him to think you actively got pregnant on purpose. However, if you are you happy; congratulations :)

I wouldn't leave him just because he emotions and is upset and isn't just falling to his partner's whims to keep her happy and himself bottled up...

Your first and 2nd post don't add up though...

Also, I don't think it's that unusual for partners to attend appointments and such. DH attended whenever he could and he's not controlling.

Ashwaganda....

You're brave sticking up for the withdrawal method on here! I'd love to read up more on it. Do you have any links you can share?

I agree with Rattie, very deceitful to have sex with him knowing you weren't using the contraception properly and it just so happens you wanted another child. Relationships need to have trust, not using contraception properly and not warning him so he can use something is truly awful.

What happens if he leaves after discovering you were aware that pg was very much a possibility but just declined to warn him?

This just makes me agonisingly sad for the lovely Berries here on MN & their DH/DPs who are so so very desperate for a BFP and doing all they can to make that happen

To create a human life so casually - WHOOPS, didn't take pill properly/'withdrawal' method 'failed' - and where you know your OH will be unhappy from the get go is beyond depressing.

As for the 'I knew he'd 'come good' with DC1 - what a fucking gamble to make.

you both (I hope!) know that withdrawal is a waste of time - basic biological fact. You at least knew that you weren't taking the pill in accordance with the instructions, which also means it is a waste of time. I don't know if he knew this too, maybe he trusted you to take it correctly.

anyway, water under the bridge, you've been having unprotected sex and are pregnant.

the fact that 25th december is coming is utterly irrelevant.

hope it all works out. If you don't want more babies, use contraception correctly.

I would tell him now. If he never wanted another child he should have had a vasectomy.

Guyropes there was an interesting article published in the medical journal Contraception a few years ago which likened the failure rate of of perfect use withdrawal method to that of condoms. From memory it has a failure rate of less than 4%. There is no mechanism by which sperm can be present in pre-ejaculatory fluid because it's necessary for the huge spasms of orgasm to move the sperm from the epididymus past the prostate where it enters semen. The only time sperm are found in non-ejaculate is if a man has recently ejaculated and not urinated since.
I'm a medical professional and I believe that there should be better education and dialogue around the withdrawal method. Interestingly, the mini-pill has a FAR higher rate of failure than withdrawal, even when it's being used perfectly.

Congratulations! Being pregnant is a wonderful blessing - a child is the most precious gift you'll ever have! This should be something to celebrate and it's heartbreaking that you are feeling so negative about it. In your post you explained that you feared that your partner would be very sad/ angry by the news, but you didn't say how you felt about it apart from that you are sad that it won't be a wonderful surprise for him. It is a wonderful surprise, and any parent-to-be should recognise that. Congratulations, be happy! Share this wonderful news with your partner, and I hope you and your family (baby included) have a happy, healthy Christmas. x