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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my mom praying for me

121 replies

Evelight · 20/12/2014 19:52

This is not new- best part of the past twenty years. My mom is religious, I am not. My mom routinely says she's praying for me, for the kids, for whoever. Whatevs. I never respond when she starts talking god at me.
Now ds has a minor corrective eye surgery scheduled. It is somewhat freaking me out. My mom, as is her habit, tells me not to worry, she is praying for him, everything is gonna be fine, etc etc.
This is annoying THE FUCK out of me. I feel like going out of my mind when she says this. It takes all my will power not to scream at her.
I've started talking to her less and less. Hopefully once the surgery is done and over with, I'll stop being so annoyed about this, and can go back to blanking her out when she starts talking about praying for ppl.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 21/12/2014 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FraggleMountain · 21/12/2014 09:03

OP yanbu! The idea of prayer antagonises me so much, as it implies that all the awful things that happen in life - death, illness and suffering - would have been avoided if you had prayed "right". And if it still happens, on top of your grief, you also have to process that the god clearly didn't want to help you/your child/whoever. There is no comfort in the idea of prayer.

Mehitabel6 · 21/12/2014 09:26

I think you have missed the entire point of prayer, Fraggle.

fatlazymummy · 21/12/2014 09:31

I would be pissed off as well, OP.
Like you ,my Mum was religious (though she didn't go round telling people she was praying for them),whilst I am an atheist. I asked her not to discuss her religious feelings in my house or round my children, and she respected that, just as I respected her feelings by keeping my thoughts about her
religion to myself. Respecting someone's right to belief goes both ways.
Why would you keep on telling a person that you're praying for them, when you know that they're not into that themselves? It just doesn't make sense to me.

anothernumberone · 21/12/2014 09:39

*Saying "oh how upsetting, I'll pray for you" is supportive and nice.

Saying "you don't need to worry, I am praying for you and everything will work out fine" is putting the praying person at the centre of the drama in a pivotal role (I prayed and it was fine!) and is also dismissive of the other person's concerns and worries*

^^ this really.

My mother has set infernos with the number of candles she has lit over the years but she has never dismissed our concerns because she is doing it. I would be a little peeved by that. I am not religious either.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 09:57

Saying "oh how upsetting, I'll pray for you" is supportive and nice

It really isn't supportive if you are saying it to someone you know has no religious belief. It's meaningless at best or at worst trivialises the situation. .

Why the need to refer to prayer?

"I'm thinking of you, is there anything I can do" means exactly the same from the point of view of the person praying.

roundtable · 21/12/2014 10:12

I understand what your annoyance is op.

Yanbu

I also have parents that pray about everything and anything good that happens is down to their prayers. Very frustrating.

I used to have a medical condition as I child that was quite serious. I was always told that because they prayed over me a miracle happened and I was healed. I believed this for years.

Turns out it's fairly common for this condition to 'heal' itself. That's why the hospital waited to do the operation.

It's very difficult when you can't have a sensible conversation with someone about what is going on as it's shut down with "we'll pray for you." as being the solution.

Good luck with the operation op.

tharsheblows · 21/12/2014 13:39

Oh god yes, when I'm stressed and worried "I'm praying for you" is the last thing I need to hear. I've found people want credit for praying - they seem to expect a "thank you" when they've merely had a conversation in their head with someone who might or might not exist. Quite honestly, I'd rather have a "If there's anything I can do, just ring me." of dodgy sincerity.

If you want to pray, that's fine. Just don't offer it up to me like you're doing something helpful.

My mother is like the OP's but she's stopped after realising it does more harm than good with us.

HouseBaelish · 21/12/2014 14:04

IMO it isn't about the fact your Mother is praying for you/your son OP, it is about the fact she TOLD you and made it more a "oh look what I'm doing for you".

As other people have said, I can't control people praying for me. But I would be really uncomfortable if people told me they were doing so

Hakluyt · 21/12/2014 14:07

"t. I asked her not to discuss her religious feelings in my house or round my children, and she respected that, " Now I do think that's a bit odd........

OfaFrenchMind · 21/12/2014 14:24

OP, you are not a massive atheist, you are a rabbid atheist. With an axe to grind.

Good luck to your DS.

fatlazymummy · 21/12/2014 14:29

hakluyt why do you think it was odd? I had enough of her religion when I was a child living in her house. When I'm an adult I can make the choice for my own home to be religion free.

BackOnlyBriefly · 21/12/2014 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

livegoldrings · 21/12/2014 14:54

My mum actually has a quite strong belief in Feng shui, she really believes in getting everything arranged just right for luck and even does the iching which is a sort of fortune telling Chinese runes or whatever. (she isn't Chinese) . Now I dont believe in all this but I respect her as an intelligent person and if she sees something in it that makes her believe in it then she may be right, millions of Chinese people agree with her after all and if she is wrong no harm done. If my dd was ill and she said she had rearranged the childrens health corner of her house I wouldn't mind and would be glad she cared. After all sometimes there is nothing you can do, i know if i did need some practical help she would do that too. I think it gives us a good relationship in that we chat about it and I take it seriously as something she believes, but she doesn't come and rearrange my living room or nag me about it. She might bring me a plant to help purify the air or something. i dont even object to keeping the north corner of my room tidy or whatever if she thinks it may be helpful for the flow of chi. I do joke about it a bit, but I also think it is something that she values so I value it as something she cares about and which helps her.
Christianity has such a history and so many hangups related that it is probably impossible to have such an easy tolerant relationship between believers and non believers but it would be nice if you could.

Bulbasaur · 21/12/2014 16:49

All it means is "I'm worried, I care, and I'll be keeping them in my thoughts".

If you don't believe in God, then surely it shouldn't bug if she prays to someone that doesn't exist?

I guess I could see that if instead of reasonably helping the people she's concerned about, she's just praying as a way of washing her hand of the problem, that it would be irritating.

I know lots of people that pray for my DD. It's just a nice gesture.

Original poster

Evelight · 21/12/2014 18:00

"Christianity has such a history and so many hangups related that it is probably impossible to have such an easy tolerant relationship between believers and non believers but it would be nice if you could."

Ditto islam and judaism- the major world religions are so politicized and sensitized that yes, it is almost impossible to meet on a nice, mutually respectful, agreeable plane. Throw in a healthy dose of mom-daughter aggro which another commentor pointed out, weighted family history, and yeah, we're gonna need more than feng shui to restore the calm.

Example of a supportive message from another family member I just received earlier, which actually made me feel very good: short phone call, asking how everybody was, followed by "do you want me to come over to XXX town during the surgery?" This comment was made since due to waitlist issues, the actual surgery isn't being done at our hometown hospital, but another hospital an hours drive away, (and this is actually increasing my stress). Anyway, no mention of prayers, just practical offer of support.

OP posts:

Lilmissconcerned · 21/12/2014 18:04

Well I think it's a nice thing to say.. Bit like I'll be thinking of you.

It's a shame it annoys you cause I'm sure she probably doesn't mean to say it to upset you... And she believes it really will help xx

I'd say try not to let it upset you

hackmum · 21/12/2014 18:14

YANBU. I was going to mention astrology as an analogy, and then Didactylos mentioned someone who actually did use astrology in this way.

I think there are supportive things you can say when someone has a problem like this, e.g. "Oh, that sounds tough - how are you feeling?" or "Do you need any help while DS is in hospital?" or "I'll send over a book to cheer DS up". Telling someone you're praying for them is no help at all. Of course, pray if you want to, but telling someone you're praying is going to make no difference to them whatsoever - it's just a way of attempting to make yourself good without actually doing anything useful.

hackmum · 21/12/2014 18:15

"look good" that should have been.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 21/12/2014 18:53

YABU. Get a grip.

Gingerfudge · 21/12/2014 19:33

My mother is queen of praying for me but doing nothing useful and then claiming all the fucking credit when things turn out ok - it'll be because she prayed to some fucking Saint! A direct line to God - I have been tempted to ask her why God decided to fuck around with her dd in the first place, given their intimate connection...but I suspect she wouldn't be too keen on that conversation and offer to pray for my soul.....again!

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