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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my mom praying for me

121 replies

Evelight · 20/12/2014 19:52

This is not new- best part of the past twenty years. My mom is religious, I am not. My mom routinely says she's praying for me, for the kids, for whoever. Whatevs. I never respond when she starts talking god at me.
Now ds has a minor corrective eye surgery scheduled. It is somewhat freaking me out. My mom, as is her habit, tells me not to worry, she is praying for him, everything is gonna be fine, etc etc.
This is annoying THE FUCK out of me. I feel like going out of my mind when she says this. It takes all my will power not to scream at her.
I've started talking to her less and less. Hopefully once the surgery is done and over with, I'll stop being so annoyed about this, and can go back to blanking her out when she starts talking about praying for ppl.

OP posts:

dwarfrabbit · 20/12/2014 22:35

Yes, I'd be pissed off too. The issue is the surgery, not her belief. I'd honestly tell her that if she's going to pray, could she please keep it between herself and her god, but it would be nice to hear that she was thinking of you. I also can't stand it when people wish me a 'blessed day' as I have no wish to be included in somebody's belief system. I'm with the poster who said it was passive aggressive. If she honestly thinks her prayers are going to make a difference, she should pray fervently for ebola to stop spreading as nothing else appears to be working. she can leave your kid's eyes up to medical science.

WandaFuca · 20/12/2014 22:40

You said what I was thinking, Didactylos. It's a kind of arrogance and superiority. I'm an atheist and I would find anyone telling me they were praying for me as patronising me as needing some kind of supernatural intervention. No, just ordinary human intervention could be a good idea, e.g. doing the washing up or a bit of shopping. I'm sure they could do a bit of silent praying while they were doing that.

BackOnlyBriefly · 20/12/2014 23:03

Mehitabel6 I'm praying to the devil that he might help you to understand.

Hope that's ok.

dwarfrabbit · 20/12/2014 23:09

and i'll have a word with the fairies at the bottom of the garden.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2014 23:11

OP, only you know if your DM is having a dig at you when she says she's praying for you, or if this is something she says without really thinking about it.

What I find more worrying is that this issue causes annoyance at the times when you should be pulling together (your DS's impending surgery / your DF's prostrate surgery). I think it would be good if you could tell your mum what you need from her and how you feel, although I appreciate that you may not feel able to ATM. I think that your family would all benefit from being a bit less "massive" about the non-existence/existence of a deity and a bit more supportive in times of stress.

Original poster

Evelight · 20/12/2014 23:22

Dione- it is true that things which you could ordinarily and habitually laugh off/ignore suddenly become mind-blowingly rage inducing at times of stress. Knitting. Knitting. and .

OP posts:

BumWad · 20/12/2014 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dipankrispaneven · 20/12/2014 23:36

It must be terribly frustrating for surgeons and other medics when people attribute the fact that someone has come through an operation successfully to a mythical being rather than the skill and hard work of the medical team.

fourquartets · 20/12/2014 23:45

I rarely comment but have logged on to add my voice as another daughter of a devout mother who uses prayer as an alternative to actual engagement with my life. It is fine to pray but it's upsetting when any concerns you voice are met with "well don't worry, I'm praying for you". That has been my mum's response to "I'm really depressed"/"I can't pay my rent"/"I'm being bullied at school" and any other issue I've ever bothered to tell her about and it is unhelpful because it means I'm then not allowed to be upset anymore (because all will be fine because God will sort it) and no further discussion is permitted, forget actual, practical support. So, yes, I think I understand OP - prayer is fine, but when it's your mum's only response to any concern you express it's a bit shit really.

Didactylos · 21/12/2014 00:14

Dipankrispaneven -then you get inspiring pics like this

i mean, hes not even scrubbed!

Canyouforgiveher · 21/12/2014 00:22

I can understand where the OP is coming from. My mother was extremely religious. I was as a young adult but am not anymore but still am rearing my children in our religion. She did the pray for you/thank god thing all the time.

Saying "oh how upsetting, I'll pray for you" is supportive and nice.

Saying "you don't need to worry, I am praying for you and everything will work out fine" is putting the praying person at the centre of the drama in a pivotal role (I prayed and it was fine!) and is also dismissive of the other person's concerns and worries

Saying "how wonderful" when an operation goes well is lovely.

saying "I knew it would work out because I prayed so hard" is crap -no other word for it.

My mother would routinely thank god for everything good that happened. She never actually thanked the surgeons, teachers, parents etc. who had actually made it happen. I hated it. Didn't usually get too much engaged but if I was in OP's position worrying about my child I might.

Sometimes the pray/thank god thing utterly robs the real people who work so hard to solve problems of their thanks.

OP, in your situation, I think I'd say to my mum "no need to pray for ds I am confident in his surgeons. Maybe you could pray for the situation in Syria instead - solving that before christmas would be great - thanks!"

Waitingonasunnyday · 21/12/2014 00:26

I pray for people but would never say 'it will be fine' because of it! Fucking hell DH had cancer this year and so many people said 'it will be fine' which is a thoughtless and shitty thing to say IMO.
Evelight I hope your DS op goes well.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 00:37

I'm with the OP. "You are in my thoughts " is not the same as "I'm praying for you".

The former is unselfish; the latter is all about the person doing the praying.

Northernparent68 · 21/12/2014 02:15

op, would you prefer it if your mother said she wasn't thinking of you and everything was nt going to be ok ?

Hakluyt · 21/12/2014 02:21

I don't think anyone is saying that the OP's mother should not pray for her children and grandchildren if it brings her comfort and helps her. The issue is her telling people they are being prayed for.

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/12/2014 06:24

Well summed up Hakluyt

vitabrits · 21/12/2014 06:27

It would annoy me too (ex Penty here). To me it would be like she is setting herself up as superior to you.

HellKitty · 21/12/2014 06:28

I have a DM who says/does this. We really are the ultimate atheist house so I think she secretly enjoys winding me up. I just let her get on with it.

ipswichwitch · 21/12/2014 07:09

I've had a relative like this. What is most annoying is the fact it comes over like "everything will be fine because I prayed for you so don't be worrying yourself about it anymore. More tea?" It's dismissive of your very real fear and stress, puts a block on any meaningful conversation on the subject, and there is never an offer of any practical support with it.

I have had others who have prayed for me, but not made such a big issue of it (I am atheist btw), but been very supportive in a practical and emotional sense. I've been able to talk to these people because they aren't ramming prayers down my throat every 10mins, and are not dismissing my worry and stress with what I consider to be platitudes. They have helped me no end, and prayed because it has helped them iyswim.

charlestonchaplin · 21/12/2014 07:31

Many surgeons and other medics are Christians and believe it is not just their hard work that enables them to do a good job.

FollowTheStarship · 21/12/2014 07:47

I do know someone who when the born-again Christians we knew said "I'll pray for you", he would respond "Thanks, I'll think for you."

Now I can see that's pretty rude and I wouldn't want to say it to someone well-meaning. But it might be useful to bat off someone who is pushing it in your face and won't leave you alone.

Gingerfudge · 21/12/2014 07:48

I can see where you are coming from OP. My Dmum still thinks after 30years I will get over my doubts and come back to the church. Saying she's praying for me is like her saying God is still there for me and I should just get over my silly little atheist phase. Once a catholic always a catholic!

msrisotto · 21/12/2014 07:51

A minority, not many.

livegoldrings · 21/12/2014 08:19

I dont think you should have to hide your faith from your family, but this all comes back to the fact that no one wants to have a bunch of platitudes and their problem minimised. They want a bit of genuine support and a feeling that you will help if you can. A Christian should always pray but as someone above said a silent prayer while doing the washing up is much better in many circumstances. Actually I dont think it was a Christian who said that, but it is good advice nonetheless.

Mehitabel6 · 21/12/2014 08:27

Perfectly OK BackonlyBriefly - I can't stop you which was my only point. I can't understand why it should bother me or why I should even give it a thought. You pray away if it helps you.
Smile, nod, ignore. Don't waste effort on things you are not going to change OP.

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