my mom praying for me

[Evelight]

This is not new- best part of the past twenty years. My mom is religious, I am not. My mom routinely says she's praying for me, for the kids, for whoever. Whatevs. I never respond when she starts talking god at me.
Now ds has a minor corrective eye surgery scheduled. It is somewhat freaking me out. My mom, as is her habit, tells me not to worry, she is praying for him, everything is gonna be fine, etc etc.
This is annoying THE FUCK out of me. I feel like going out of my mind when she says this. It takes all my will power not to scream at her.
I've started talking to her less and less. Hopefully once the surgery is done and over with, I'll stop being so annoyed about this, and can go back to blanking her out when she starts talking about praying for ppl.

FWiW, I know where you're coming from op. My parents give a hefty dose of disappointment and guilt if we talk religion, so we never do.

One cannot be a massiveatheist. You either are... Or not.

But, l am sorry to hear of your son's operation. That has to be so stressful. I hope you find peace to cope.

@Msrisotto- I would forget about it if it wasn't my mom!! I want to forget about it- I wish I could. If she didn't bloody remind me every time we talked!

@Jenny- I'm wondering if it isn't a bit of a generational thing- there seems to be swathes of elderly religious ppl who have spawned non-believers like us. My mom has quite a forceful and vivid personality in general, so her religion -which is also very new agey- is not of the polite quiet respectful variety.

I find it really insulting when someone says they are preying for me as everyone knows I don't believe in any of that mumbo jumbo. It's disrespectful when you need support.

I routinely pray for loads of people, a large number of whom probably have no idea I'm doing it. It's between me and God and no-one else's business.

fuck we are related, aren't we?

OP, you say "she KNOWS....". Did you tell her that her prayers bring you no comfort at this time and in fact you feel insulted by this? What did she say?

Like I said feminine, I was being facetious. Knew I should have used a winking smiley to make it obvious...

Dione: she knows I am a non-believer, and that I don't believe in (the power of) prayers. I haven't specifically said to her "Mom- please don't tell me you are praying for me and ds"- because as I can see clearly now, I guess that sounds a bit bonkers.

last summer my dad had prostrate surgery. It was the same thing, going on and on about "praying for him", and the four of us would just stare.

I can appreciate this must be also very frustrating for her.

Thank you again for all the kind wishes re the surgery! (see, i am not a monster!) I have seen a counsellor, and re-started knitting, as "calming meditative activity" for whenever I get too stressed out, thinking about the surgery.

I think it does depend on the context, how it's said and the relationship you have with the person. In OP's case I think being pissed off is understandable.

Praying has been proven not to work (as if that was necessary, but there have actually been scientific tests) and if you are an atheist it is pretty annoying to be told someone's prayers mean everything will be fine. They don't know that, you don't know that and they are, actually, factually wrong to say it.

I also think if the person is implying you should have faith too, or you know they think that, then it can be quite an aggressive thing to say. Passive aggressive maybe, but not nice. I had a born-again neighbour in my university halls who was always saying in a lamenting tone that he was praying for me - because his attempts to convert me hadn't worked. I hated it and he knew it.

OTOH if someone genuinely well-intentioned said it and I knew they meant they cared and hoped all would be well, and they didn't try to push anything on me, I'd accept that graciously.

So many people are under the impression that they can control others!
You can't stop people praying for you- you can't even know they are praying for you unless they say so.
I can't see why it matters whether the person being prayed for believes or not.
If it irritates you to be told then just ask her to keep quiet- but it is is impossible to stop her praying if she wants to!

I kind of understand where you're coming from OP. My mother does this too. When we were doing IVF she rang me to tell me she was praying to some Saint (I'm sorry I can't remember his name) who apparently is the 'go to' Saint for that type of thing. When we were eventually successful she actually said it was because her prayers had been answered. Nothing to do with the weeks and weeks of gruelling medical treatment then...

I'm with you OP. It's annoying.

To be fair OP does say it's the talking about it that's doing her head in, not the praying itself. Of course people can pray for you and you not even know, I'm sure most people aren't bothered by that.

OP, why not be more tolerant? I pray for people often, for family, strangers, the neighbourhood. When I was small I heard that there are nuns who pray for the world round the clock, and that seemed like a good use of time and life to me.

If prayer is meaningful, if God exists, then its good. If not, then it does no harm.

Is your real frustration with the fact that there are no guarantees?

I was brought up in a very religious controlling household.
I escaped left the religion. My mother genuinely believes that if something good happens it's down to her praying for it. E.g. If I had a job interview and told her and she prayed for me to get it and I got it she would think it was because she prayed rather than my efforts. As a result we don't tell her about things like that until after.
When we left the church we had a few people saying they would pray for our children which I found rather offensive.
I accept that most people are being kind when they pray for people but in my mothers case I think it's just a way she likes to feel she still has some control over me and my life.
I understand why it may piss you off op, yanbu. I've had a child be seriously ill and the "if we pray it'll all be fine but if it's not fine then that's God's will so it's still fine really" attitude is just dismissing any worries and fears that you have.

It's entirely different to pray for the whole world like those nuns, the difference here is in the mother/daughter relationship - it's really not just the praying that's going on, it's mainly judgement of someone else's lifestyle and beliefs and being completely unable to accept another adult's decisions they make for their own lives. OP/Jenny - I think I am another long lost sister! In my mid forties I am still occasionally lectured about how important it is to go to church every Sunday and ensure that my children are brought up properly (i.e. the way I was, church every Sunday in life and other days besides, not the way they are in fact brought up, allowed to question beliefs and form their own).

"When I was small I heard that there are nuns who pray for the world round the clock, and that seemed like a good use of time and life to me."

oh my, definitely doesn't sound like a good use of time and life to me! Maybe in the sense that they were not actively harming anything. But off the top of my head I can think of far more ways to use your life and time which could be called "good"- starting with cleaners.

yes- it is the mention of the praying which sets my teeth on edge. If she just prayed without telling me, I would have no issue with it. My aunt who is also very religious, does really complicated sorts of prayers which last throughout the night- but she never talks about them (the only reason we know is my mom, and it pisses my aunt off whenever my mom mentions her night-praying). Anyway, my aunt's brand of religion never bothers me at all- and I could never imagine her saying something like "I've been praying for you..."

Re tolerance- I guess I am a saint of tolerance! since I put up with the god-talk and don't tell her to shut it down. But it does bother me, more and more. I pretend to tolerance, without actually feeling it. I suppose that is civilized discourse :)

I think it is a situation to smile, nod and ignore.

I know where you are coming from OP, its not ingratitude for her thoughts but anger over the privileging of her belief system over your feelings and beliefs.

I have a relative, very woo who is convinced she holds the secret to interpreting the universe through star signs. She came on the phone to congratulate me on an major career achievement, and started telling me that she knew it would happen because Jupiter was in conjunction with something or other... it was a way if stopping talking about the reality of what had been achieved and turn the convo back to her super specialness as the omnipotent interpreter of all knowledge. I did call her on it- normally i let the drivel wash over me because it is mostly small stuff, but this was actually a bit offensive as a lot of hard graft and family sacrifice had gone into obtaining the prize and ascribing it purely to planetary influence was a neat way of demeaning this. Also made a fuss when she tried to tell me how to parent my children/interpret their characters based on their birth dates and now she very theatrically stops talking about astrology when I come in the room.

Someone praying for you/lighting a candle/sending vibes/giving good wishes/sending comfort in the best way they know how is fine but its different when someone is using it as a way to self aggrandize and imply they can influence everything because they have a direct line to god.

I hope the surgery goes well