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AIBU?

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Original poster

my mom praying for me

121 replies

Evelight · 20/12/2014 19:52

This is not new- best part of the past twenty years. My mom is religious, I am not. My mom routinely says she's praying for me, for the kids, for whoever. Whatevs. I never respond when she starts talking god at me.
Now ds has a minor corrective eye surgery scheduled. It is somewhat freaking me out. My mom, as is her habit, tells me not to worry, she is praying for him, everything is gonna be fine, etc etc.
This is annoying THE FUCK out of me. I feel like going out of my mind when she says this. It takes all my will power not to scream at her.
I've started talking to her less and less. Hopefully once the surgery is done and over with, I'll stop being so annoyed about this, and can go back to blanking her out when she starts talking about praying for ppl.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2014 20:31

What is a Massive Atheist?Confused.

fluffling · 20/12/2014 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazymummy2014 · 20/12/2014 20:32

Praying for someone isn't passive aggressive. Constantly telling someone whom you know doesn't believe in god is completely p.a.! Fine, pray for me if you feel like it. You believe in fairies and you want to ask them for a favour. But what do you hope to achieve by TELLING ME that you are doing so? Do you want me to be grateful to you for (as I see it, and as you know I see it) talking to the chief sky fairy?

Enpoid · 20/12/2014 20:34

I tell people I'm praying for them sometimes and I'm an atheist

Really? Confused

That's a bit odd isn't it?

fluffling · 20/12/2014 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

divingoffthebalcony · 20/12/2014 20:36

What is a Massive Atheist?

I was being facetious (although that is how I once described myself to a Christian knocking on my door one Saturday) but if you must know... Christopher Hitchens?

MonoNoAware · 20/12/2014 20:36

I'm agnostic and quite like it when people tell me they will pray for me (not often, sadly!)

However, as others have said, it would really annoy me to be told not to worry, everything would be ok because she'd prayed for it. That's just a little too megalomaniac for me. What makes her prayer so much better than those of parents with children with incurable conditions?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 20/12/2014 20:36

You're told because they are doing something for you and want you to know their sincere thoughts are with you?

This really is barmy.

Person of faith,in kind sincere thought: I'll pray for you.

Atheist: OMG you evil cow,how could you do such a thing.I don't want kindness and thoughts

Hmm
camtt · 20/12/2014 20:36

I get you OP. Praying for someone can be passive aggressive in my experience and, as Lazymummy mentioned, a way of telling you she is disappointed in you. I get this because I have a very similar mother, but I don't expect anyone to understand who hasn't had that experience. To most people, praying for someone is a demonstration of caring and concern. But if my mother mentions this to me she is reminding me that I ought to be religious - apparently, because I was brought up that way and clearly the idea of a person having their own opinion is not acceptable! If she really cared, she would pray and say nothing to you about it.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 20/12/2014 20:38

yup, exactly that too, camtt

i can hear the 'if you prayed, maybe this shit wouldn't be going on' underneath it all

Tobyjugg · 20/12/2014 20:38

YABVU. How on earth does this hurt you in any way? She's probably as worried as you are about the operation and this is how she copes. Why should you want to deprive her of her coping mechanism?

Lazymummy2014 · 20/12/2014 20:40

Yes but when you say 'good luck' you are not seriously believing that by doing so you are influencing the outcome are you? Agree with one of the pp's - there is a difference between the pragmatic loading of 'thinking of you' (= I acknowledge you are having a shit time and wish there was something I could do but there isn't, but just wanted to let you know I haven't forgotten about you) and 'praying for you' (= you're having a shit time and so I'm doing something to help by asking good to intervene on your behalf).

JennyOnTheBlocks · 20/12/2014 20:40

'why should you want to deprive her of her coping mechanism'?

because the person asking for/needing the help isn't the person doing the praying?

fluffling · 20/12/2014 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazymummy2014 · 20/12/2014 20:40

*god

BackOnlyBriefly · 20/12/2014 20:42

It's passive aggressive to pray for someone?!? I've heard it all now

Praying for someone isn't passive aggressive, but saying so can be and Jesus had something to say about praying to make yourself look good.

In this case I'd take it as "I hope it goes ok" and leave it at that, but for example I've had people tell me essentially that they will pray that I realise that they are right and I'm wrong and that I'm worthless because I haven't been saved.

Most people in the UK who say it mean "I wish you well" so I take it in that spirit, but I wonder what a devout believer would say if I said "I've prayed to our Lord Satan about you".

I suspect they'd claim it was offensive.

fluffling · 20/12/2014 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CommanderShepard · 20/12/2014 20:44

I'm atheist and I am touched when people say they will pray for me. It means I'm important enough to them for them to hold me in their thoughts and hope for good things for me and that's lovely.

But it sounds like your mom is saying that because she has prayed all will be OK, which is completely different and rather dismissive of your worries. I'm not surprised you find that frustrating. I think most people would. Could you say "I appreciate the thought but it's not helping my fears, which are xyz" or something?

I hope the surgery goes well.

sykadelic · 20/12/2014 21:12

YANBU.

You said, "I'm worried about my son", and because you don't believe (and neither do I incidentally) you heard the equivalent of "He'll be fine because I stood outside for 5 minutes asking a tree for help". You would have preferred, no doubt, to hear, "I am as well. I've prayed for him. Do you want to talk about it?"

It's very frustrating feeling that you're having your genuine fears dismissed simply because talking to a tree will solve everything. It does nothing to help you, does nothing to allay your fears.

I also feel like the "he'll be fine because I prayed" implies you're not allowed to mention your fears now because you'll be insulting the "power of her god" or some such nonsense. It shuts down the line of communication about it. Like "I prayed, end of discussion".

My mother understands I don't believe in God, so she would pray, she might tell me later, but she wouldn't offend MY lack of belief's by trying to force it onto me. Could you have a chat to your mother about how you find her constant references to god insulting to you and you don't go around reminding her you don't believe she it's rude for her to keep talking about it around you?

Original poster
Evelight · 20/12/2014 21:15

Thank you all for the stimulating thoughts.

The collective wisdom seems to be: if the praying is done as part of somebody's coping mechanisms, then it is ok, and one should not feel frustrated about it. BUT if the praying is done as a not-so-subtle dig at one's belief system, then that's a different story.

the thing is, if you are known to be a massive atheist (as I am known), or a non-believer, why would somebody insist on mentioning that they are praying for me and my child in EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION? She KNOWS that I am not being comforted by the prayer! She KNOWS that I don't think that just because she prayed, "everything is going to be alright". How is this not a subtle dig?! If the praying was "just" a personal, individual coping mechanism, then surely the person who prays could just as well keep silent about it? And yes, for the record, my mom is very frustrated by the fact that none of her four children are religious, in fact all of us are non-believers. Although she does not actively try to convert us, there is a constant stream of god-talk directed at us.

Also, for the record, praying for someone is very, very different from "thinking about them" or "having them in your thoughts". Not the same at all.

OP posts:
BigRedBall · 20/12/2014 21:20

Massive atheist? Are you obese?

Original poster
Evelight · 20/12/2014 21:22

"Could you have a chat to your mother about how you find her constant references to god insulting to you and you don't go around reminding her you don't believe she it's rude for her to keep talking about it around you?"

If you knew my mom, you would be LMAO ROLF at this suggestion. I simply cannot imagine a universe where I could say something like this to her comfortably and "naturally". It simply wouldn't happen. I just try turn the conversation to clothes and my aunt when she talks god. In previous years, whenever we tried to have a conversation about beliefs, religion etc, everything would go hysteric.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 20/12/2014 21:23

There are genuinely nice people in the world who might think they are doing good by praying for someone and telling them so. And there are pious, sanctimonious people who get self satisfaction from the exact same thing. Only the latter piss atheists off. When I come across the former, I am often a little bemused by their offering but appreciate their foible and forget about it.

JennyOnTheBlocks · 20/12/2014 21:24

Evelight

i think we could actually be related - i'm one of four children, and your issues are very very similar to mine

Mehitabel6 · 20/12/2014 21:24

I have always assumed that those who pray pray for everyone- it is very narrow just pray for those with faith.
I can't see the problem- just thank her and move on.