Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not allow exH/DDs father into my house?

41 replies

CloudiaPickle · 20/12/2014 09:42

DDs father was abusive to me in every way during our marriage. We have been separated for over five years and he's continued to alternatenbetween being verbally abusive, aggressive or ignoring me completely.

The last few times hes had DD (8) when shes been ill with a bug/d&v etc he's refused to let her rest, dragged her out and about andmade her worse. She came down with a bad cold, ear infection and d&v this week and was due to go for contact yesterday. She was crying saying he wouldn't take care of her and she would be ill for Christmas; its the first Christmas I've spent with her since separation as I usually let him have her as he has a big family.

I contacted him and said in light of his previous behaviour when she was ill, she'll be staying home to recover this weekend. He replied saying he'll spend the day with her atmy home...! He is rude to my other dc as well as me and dd would find it awkward as she just wants to play with her siblings if feeling better.

I told him he isn't welcome in our home and he called me a bitch and said how he'll be telling dd what I'm really like etc. He still hasn't actually asked how she is. Wibu to say he isn't welcome here?

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 20/12/2014 09:43

Nope

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/12/2014 09:43

YANBU of course you don't have to have him in your home

WellnowImFucked · 20/12/2014 09:50

It's your house, it's up to you who gets in.

You don't want him there your DD doesn't want to see him, I'm guessing you other children won't want him there either.

He's not king of the world you don't have to do what he says. How official are the contact arrangements? Is it time to look at rejigging them?

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 20/12/2014 09:54

No no no no. Don't let him in your house. A man that calls you a bitch should
never set foot in your home. He'd taint it with his Super-Twat vibes! Just ignore him and focus on DD.

Singleandproud · 20/12/2014 09:54

If my DD is ill with something which I wouldn't normally let her out the house with D&V etc I just text my ex "DD not well, will rearrange when she's better" and leave it at that. We might call him so she can speak to him but that's it and he knows he isn't welcome here and that's the way it is.

If your worried about him not seeing her and contact arrangements it won't have any effect as long as it is on occassions when she is generally unwell and isn't something you do regularly to thwart contact.

So stop worrying about him, text him "No, you won't be coming here" and then turn your phone off so you don't get any texts if he turns up at your door. Don't open I t and tell him to go away. If he doesn't ring, the Police 101 number - as long as you aren't in any imminent danger tell them he has been abusive in the past and he won't leave.

MrsKCastle · 20/12/2014 09:55

Yanbu. At all.

Poor DD, how horrible it must be to feel ill as a child and know that your own father won't sympathize and look after you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/12/2014 09:56

He replied saying he'll spend the day with her atmy home

'No you won't. She is in bed and is staying there. You are not entering my house. end of'

If he turns up, tell him he is not entering your house, your daughter is ill and in bed and he needs to leave and if he doesn't leave then call for backup. The police if necessary.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 20/12/2014 10:31

Of course you shouldn't let him into your house.

On the day, if the twat turns up, keep the door locked and call the police if he becomes threatening and scares you.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 20/12/2014 10:40

YANBU.

Agree with PP about calling the police if he turns up and is abusive.

Hatespiders · 20/12/2014 10:51

What a horrible nasty man! Of course YANBU. Tell him he can never ever enter your home. He sounds like one of those men who think they can control everything and everybody. Fancy dragging your poor little girl around when she was feeling poorly!
Do just as the others on here suggest. Say 'no' and if he appears, keep him out. Police if necessary. How dare he threaten to spoil Christmas for everyone like this!
Be strong. And have a lovely peaceful Christmas.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 20/12/2014 11:01

YANBU at all. No one has the right to enter your home. I agree to keeping the doors locked and the phone handy incase.

RedSoloCup · 20/12/2014 11:42

YANBU, what a bully :(

FayKorgasm · 20/12/2014 11:45

Do not let him enter your home this is just another tactic to abuse you.

Selvsikker · 20/12/2014 11:48

NYANB

But, similar story to you...... slightly longer timeframe though. I had always thought that when I got my own place I wouldn't want to contaminate it by allowing him to darken by door, but when the time came I invited him in to see the children's bedrooms. He was totally discombobulated by that! He couldn't look me in the eye. He seemed shifty. The house was small, but clean and we had what we needed. In a way it was the ulitmate fuck you to him because he was so snide and so sneering to me when I left him, so convinced I'd end up in the gutter, so convinced all our rows were down to my 'hysteria' and not down to his bullying. So, personally, I felt I had reclaimed some power back by choosing to invite him in to MY home.

But for a long while I felt exactly how you feel so you are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/12/2014 11:49

What a nasty piece of work. He has failed to care for your daughter in the past so is clearly not up to the task of caring for her now.

Selvsikker · 20/12/2014 11:50

ps, my x long past verbally abusing me to my face. He would know that he couldn't tell me that he was coming to my home. I only felt able to invite him because I felt safe in the knowledge that he wouldn't come without an invitation iyswim. So, in your shoes, maintain your boundaries firmly.

AnotherGirlsParadise · 20/12/2014 11:51

Oh bless your poor little girl - her in tears saying he wouldn't take care of her made me teary myself. Don't let the control freak in. There's no court order from what you've said (and even if there was, I'd be perfectly willing to flout it in this instance), so he can bloody well suck it up. What an ass.

Castlemilk · 20/12/2014 12:02

I'd reply to him that while he's busy composing his speech to tell your DD 'what you're really like', he might like to spare a minute to think about the fact that every single time she has been ill during contact, he's gone ahead and shown her, from the horse's mouth so to speak, what HE'S like: uncaring, selfish, bullying. So much so, that the request to stay home came from HER, in tears, as she described how he'd fail to care for her and make her feel worse. So. He's going to tell her what you're really like? Well, maybe she's getting the gist of what both of you are 'really like' all by herself, by WATCHING and SEEING how she's treated. He may want to reflect on that. Before she gets old enough to say no thanks to being bulldozed by a bully all be herself.

Oh and yes, keep him out of your house. And, big family or not, may I suggest that you let your DD take the lead on where she wants to be for big occasions in the future? Sounds like he isn't a particularly nice person to be around.

happybubblebrain · 20/12/2014 12:08

The problem I found with not allowing DD's father into the house was that meant he had to then take DD out, which is much, much worse and far more worrying. For the last few years we've had the arrangement that he comes here and she doesn't leave. Even though he's awful and I'd prefer him not to come in it's better than him taking DD.

You ex sounds like mine. You have to decide what is best for your family. A court would more than likely decide he gets unsupervised access.

flippinada · 20/12/2014 12:15

You are not being unreasonable at all - and you are certainly not under any obligation to let him into your house. He sounds like a vile bully.

I would advise against engaging with him. The only thing you need to say to him is "no, DD is not well".

I'd also start to think about formalising contact, if you haven't already done so.

flippinada · 20/12/2014 12:19

Oh, and also keep a record of things like this.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 12:43

Yanbu at all, he can't put her needs first when she is ill, he has no right to be in your home, he is doing this for control and to get at you, not because he wants to see dd. A big fat no to him, if he comes refuse entry, call the police if he gets nasty.

monkeytroubles · 20/12/2014 12:49

Agree with PP, don't let this man bully his way into your house and call the Police if he tries anything. Really wouldn't worry about his (frankly, pathetic) threats to tell DD "what you're really like". The fact that she was in tears at the prospect of going with her Dad because she knows full well she wouldn't get the care and attention she gets from you speaks volumes. Good for you for standing your ground.

Original poster
CloudiaPickle · 20/12/2014 14:34

Selvsikker I tried that tactic when we first separated. He 'accidentally' broke her new cabin bed I'd scrimped and saved for and shouted at me for not having photos of him around.

I didn't reply to him, just told him he's not welcome so if he made the trip it'd be a wasted journey, he said what I posted earlier and has since sent an email saying I'm a vile disgrace of a mother and a person. I just worry court will see me as blocking contactby rrefusing to let him in to see DD.

OP posts:
minibmw2010 · 20/12/2014 15:08

Respond to the email. Remind him you've already told him how poorly she is, She has chosen to stay home in her bed as she doesn't want to be sick for Christmas. If then he tried anything you can show how reasonable you are trying to be.