Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not allow exH/DDs father into my house?

41 replies

CloudiaPickle · 20/12/2014 09:42

DDs father was abusive to me in every way during our marriage. We have been separated for over five years and he's continued to alternatenbetween being verbally abusive, aggressive or ignoring me completely.

The last few times hes had DD (8) when shes been ill with a bug/d&v etc he's refused to let her rest, dragged her out and about andmade her worse. She came down with a bad cold, ear infection and d&v this week and was due to go for contact yesterday. She was crying saying he wouldn't take care of her and she would be ill for Christmas; its the first Christmas I've spent with her since separation as I usually let him have her as he has a big family.

I contacted him and said in light of his previous behaviour when she was ill, she'll be staying home to recover this weekend. He replied saying he'll spend the day with her atmy home...! He is rude to my other dc as well as me and dd would find it awkward as she just wants to play with her siblings if feeling better.

I told him he isn't welcome in our home and he called me a bitch and said how he'll be telling dd what I'm really like etc. He still hasn't actually asked how she is. Wibu to say he isn't welcome here?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 20/12/2014 15:14

I don't believe a court in the land would rule that you are blocking access because you aren't prepared to let him enter your home. They would see that as an unreasonable request on his part, and would never force you to let him in. So I wouldn't worry about what a court might do, or that you would be adversely treated by them.

Definitely don't let him in. End of! If I were you, see if you can have someone in the house with you if you are scared of him turning up, maybe a NDN?

delaselva · 20/12/2014 15:19

I wouldn't worry about the old "I'll tell them the truth" chestnut. I tell my children regularly that if somebody makes you unhappy you have the right to leave them. So whatever he tells them when they're older, they'll know that the most relevant part was that I was unhappy so I left. The End. They understand that. They accept that. There is nothing my x could say to the children that would make them think that I owed it to him to stay with him when I wasn't happy.

delaselva · 20/12/2014 15:21

With regard to your immediate problem, I agree with PPs, just say 'no contact this weekend, she's recovering in bed'. Then don't discuss it further. If he shows up, don't answer the door.

delaselva · 20/12/2014 15:25

Oh sorry, I see you already told him not to come. Ignore his response. Stick to your guns. Try not to worry. He sounds like a really bitter man. He won't be able to go to court without revealing that. It will leak out. Your daughter was sick, children get sick. Judges might come down heavily on mothers who don't allow their asshole exes to see children but that's not what's happening in your case. I don't think a judge will think it's reasonable for him to want to spend the day in your house!!

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 17:22

No you have to put your dd first as he is not able to. Ignore his rankings as it is clear he's talking about himself.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 17:25

Exactly mini. Ignore his bile, he is a nasty abusive bully, he's doing the same to your dd dragging her around when she is porky and not looking after her. Just say to him in e mail, i have said she is not well and she wants to rest.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 17:26

Poorly not porky

Topseyt · 20/12/2014 17:51

He sounds like an arse.

Shouting at you for not having photos of him around!!?? Does he think he is God's gift or something? I can't believe anyone would even consider making such a comment anyway. I suppose he has to stop and admire himself in mirrors every time he goes past one.

I doubt that you need to worry too much if he does try to tell your daughter "what you're really like" because from how you describe her she sounds very perceptive. She has already observed "what HE is really like" and doesn't like it. She has worked it all out for herself.

I wouldn't want to let anyone who just wanted to insult me and was so vain into my house.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/12/2014 17:54

exactly, op dd has the measure of her dad. She knows he will drag her around before Christmas, instead of letting her rest so that dd will be very unwell for Christmas with her mum.

joanne1947 · 20/12/2014 18:00

flippinada Sat 20-Dec-14 12:19:12 said Oh, and also keep a record of things like this. I second that. Keep a careful and accurate record of everything, and I mean things like "phone call 17:21 no Saturday 22 December 2014" followed be details of what was said. If it comes to any legal argument that might help you and your dd who needs you to help her and protect her from a bully.

flippinada · 20/12/2014 18:16

Yes joanne that's exactly the sort of thing I mean. Just write facts and be objective.

OP, I understand why you are worried about his email , but please don't be. It's all empty threats and bluster.

If it comes to it, this is evidence he is behaving unreasonably so keep it and add it to your "file".

He doesn't sound very bright tbh - in addition to being unpleasant. What a guy .

Hope you are OK OP.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 21/12/2014 10:03

Thanks everyone. I'm ok but torn about what step to take next. Last time she returned from contact he'd been filling her head with rubbish about me sending her there/cancelling contact so she missed events here/there (untrue) and she was so upset/sleep deprived/full of sugar that she couldn't listen and walked into a road. She's supposed to be going on the 28th but I.know it'll be the same again but if I stop it it'll be all my fault she's missed Christmas and gets no presents.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 10:10

Is it court ordered contact! My friend is in a similar situation with an abusive ex who is also emotionally abusing her dd on contact, similar to you. Unfortunately court has said that contact is not to be missed, if she keeps her from contact residency can be reversed . So dd 6 comes from contact really messed up like your dd. All you can do is reassure her that you love her very much and that dad is wrong. She knows what a fantastic mum you are, she has good measure of her dad. In time as dd gets older she will be able to make her own decisions about going to contact.

Original poster

CloudiaPickle · 21/12/2014 17:53

I'm waiting for court papers aero because I've refused additional contact until cafcass looks into the welfare concernsbut he's taking his time and IMO trying to goad me into stopping contact altogether so I look unreasonable in court.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2014 18:31

Oh gosh, meanwhile if dd is is unwell, she is not to go on contact. He cannot look after her, your dd has said that herself.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/12/2014 19:28

He shouldn't get to have her at Christmas just because he has a big family! You should alternate at least. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. My DS is about to turn 18 and I'm so relieved that he will be communicating with his 'D'F directly from now on.

I wish there was a way to find out whether your nice, funny reasonable partner would suddenly and irretrievably turn into a total dickbag at some point in the future. It would save so much grief!

Flip

1 2