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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if DH can't get home before 7pm, he should stay out until 8?

123 replies

NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 19:32

Every fucking night. I spend half an hour settling DCs (2 and 4) and then he gets home about five minutes later and they don't settle for up to another hour because he's playing with them/they're just excited to see him. Sometimes it's nearly 9pm before they're asleep and then knackered in the morning.

I've twice said if he can't get home before 7, don't come home before 8 (so they're asleep) but he doesn't seem to think I was serious or how fucking annoying this is.

OP posts:

rallytog1 · 16/12/2014 16:39

Well yes Stealth, my incredulity is directed towards any couple who would think that is a sensible strategy.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 16/12/2014 16:52

ime some dads really don't mind sitting out in the car in the warm with the radio on rolling a leisurely fag

as I discovered in the Dark Days of tinies, trying to shove weetabix in gaping mouths at some ungodly hour while Dad was On His Way To Work

OH NO HE WASN'T. He was outside in the street

YANBU op. Tell him he needs to sort his shit out, or be there for breakfast time

and good luck!

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 16/12/2014 17:07

I remember working with guys who would joke that they needed to stay at work just a little longer or they would be expected to help with the work aspects of the bedtime routine.

Just as an aside, there have been sociological studies about the long hours culture being in part because work is nice for people at a reasonable level of seniority working in offices. Free hot drinks, personal space, polite colleagues, and once work hours are over no pesky co-workers or customers to bug you. Just putter on at your own pace feeling in control and comfortable. Head home and people expect you to muck in!

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 16/12/2014 17:37

Gosh. Am back to defend myself! I really don't get it. DH stayed on the drive (or in his nice warm car with his phone and a fag) for 10 minutes (MAX) if he was about to open the door and enter the house when a 2 year old was eating his tea (about 4.40pm) as he knew DS would go mad in delight, decide he'd finished his tea (even if he'd just started!) and want to play with Daddy. It was a simple joint decision. It wasn't important! It worked for us for a short while. There was no denying DH spending time with his son. I'd have done the same if the situation was reversed and it made sense. As for bedtimes here, DH is usually home well before or well after bedtime. DS doesn't stay up to see him and never has. I do believe in a vague routine! However DH is often home in time for mad playing at a time I'd rather it was quiet just before bedtime, but hey, it's nice to play with Daddy (who plays much more fun, rough games than me)! I let them get on with it.

Original poster

NeopreneMermaid · 16/12/2014 19:07

He actually got home before bedtime today. I gave him a massive hug, thanked hin and told him it makes a massive difference.

I wasn't pissed off I had a longer commute; I was pissed off because I have to be out bang on a certain time and he doesn't have to feel that pressure (although arguably he should).

Responses seem really divided. Correct me if I've missed one but I note that no-one who has had this happen to them has said YABU.

OP posts:

Artandco · 16/12/2014 19:12

The princess - this is when dh goes ' no ds, sorry we can't play yet, first you finish eating and then we can play'. So in future the toddler knows the score..

As an aside, 4.40pm dinner? I only have mine lunch at 2.30pm today!

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 16/12/2014 19:20

Surely this could all be solved if instead of hyping them up when he came in he just said a very calm goodnight and went downstairs?

He might be shit at time keeping but he can control how excited he gets them! Pretty shitty of him to arrive in at bedtime and get them excited.

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 16/12/2014 19:28

Artandco... indeed, but at 2 DS didn't really understand/want to listen and decided he'd already finished eating - even if he hadn't. Easier for daddy to stay out! Might have been different if daddy was always home in time for tea or always away for tea, or even ALWAYS back mid-tea, but it varied so much. So on the odd occasion he came back mid tea it was easier for him to stay out the room. Quite simple really. It happened about once every other week - depending on traffic.
And yes, tea was around 4.40pm. DS WAS 2. He woke at 5.30am back then. He had breakfast at 6.45/7am. Lunch at 11.45am and tea at 4.40pm. Milk before bed. Stories and was asleep by latest 7pm. Because he was 2.
I assume you're a grown up. You can eat meals at any time you like.

Artandco · 16/12/2014 19:37

Erm Yes I'm grown up. But I have 3 and 4 year old children. They were 2 very recently... They are currently playing playdough and dinners in the oven. We will eat around 8pm. Always do. A schedule is family relavent not age relavent.

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 16/12/2014 19:40

NeopreneMermaid... I am so glad he got home early today!

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 16/12/2014 19:46

Artandco... all families have different schedules, routines and needs. I understand that. All people sleep different hours. We are a get up early family - DH out the door by 5am most days due to shifts (though does finish early half the week). I've always been an early riser. We all need our sleep. DS is now 9, but still needs 10-11 hours sleep a night. At 2 he would have been sound asleep by 7pm. Now, age 9, he's sound asleep by very latest 9pm. Each to their own.

JeanSeberg · 16/12/2014 19:48

I was pissed off because I have to be out bang on a certain time and he doesn't have to feel that pressure

Genuine question - what's stopping him commit to going 50-50 on the drop-offs and pick-ups? Or at least a couple of times a week? Why are you expected to do it all?

girlsyearapart · 16/12/2014 19:49

I think yanbu op and have same issue with the ILs who do a great line in coming over around 5 to 7 armed with sweets ready to hype the children up. They don't work & their help would be much appreciated at tea time/ bath time but that's another story.
I have a similar problem when dh decides to go out at 6.50 pm just before the kids are in bed so they all cry because he's leaving.
I don't really think the pub would mind if he left at 7.05?!

Original poster

NeopreneMermaid · 16/12/2014 20:12

Jean, pick-ups are at 4.30 and 5pm. I work part time and he works full time. He is flexible and does pick them up now and then if I can't.

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 16/12/2014 20:13

All sounds very convenient for him.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 16/12/2014 20:42

" I note that no one who has had this happen to them has said yabu"

My DH would often come home mid meal or at bedtime, the difference is I didn't think he needed to sit outside or get annoyed with him.
If the DC got lairy they jolly well got told to eat their dinner or were taken back to bed pronto- running around - er no !

After a few times of this they realised that it was time to eat or time for bed
I didn't fanny about with nonsense like making my DH sit outside, if he walked in he would sit down and chat to them while they ate or pop up and read a story if they were getting ready for bed.

This type of parenting where the children rule and every one tiptoes around them is ridiculous.

YonicSleighdriver · 16/12/2014 20:48

DH and I alternated picking the kids up. Yes, on many occasions when DC2 didn't sleep, the late one would text the early and say "I can get x train or y train, which is better for you?" And sometimes the answer was the later train, if DC2 was still settling and likely to be disturbed.

No need for waiting on doorstep (though i did get diverted to the pub on the way home once or twice if DH wanted ten more minutes to get DC2 off)

CalleighDoodle · 16/12/2014 20:56

My exp used to say the same to me. If i could i did, but i wasnt sitting in the car id just sneak in the house as quietly as possible.

SanityClause · 18/12/2014 06:17

I note that no one who has had this happen to them has said yabu

I note that you have not accepted that there could be any other solution to the problem than your DH coming home late, and missing out on seeing his DC.

Original poster

NeopreneMermaid · 18/12/2014 09:40

Sanity, I did. Get home before 7.

OP posts:

Pumpkinnose · 18/12/2014 10:30

YABU. I am the mum who gets home past 7 every day, mid bed time routine which my DH is capably handling. He wouldn't dream of asking me to hang around outside - both DS (3) and DH are delighted to see meabd DH recognises my commute/job means I can't get back earlier. Far more important is the fact I immediately get stuck in with the routine - continue with bath/quiet story. I would be absolutely devastated if I couldn't join in. The issue here is surely making sure you don't hype up your children.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 18/12/2014 11:04

Yes, the issue is with your husband's behaviour, not your DS's. He just needs to keep it low key.

As I said earlier, DH was the SAHP for years and I arrived home at variable hours beyond my control. (I do think a huge benefit in having a SAHP is that it enables the WOHP to have flexibility - which can have a huge impact on career prospects). If he had told me I had to be home for 7 or I wouldn't see the DCs, I wouldn't have been happy - and you can bet posters on here would be advising me to LTcontrollingB!

YABU, just discuss with your DH he needs to be "gentle" when he gets in as DS is in wind down for sleep mode. You're both making this far harder than it has to be.

Gen35 · 18/12/2014 11:10

I do think it depends how sensitive your dc are to sleep - my dd's behaviour even now goes off a cliff if she's half an hour down on sleep. She's also a light sleeper so has to go down by 630 as DH wakes her up when he gets up for work. Yanbu and I think it's good that DH is listening and changing his behaviour.

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