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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if DH can't get home before 7pm, he should stay out until 8?

123 replies

NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 19:32

Every fucking night. I spend half an hour settling DCs (2 and 4) and then he gets home about five minutes later and they don't settle for up to another hour because he's playing with them/they're just excited to see him. Sometimes it's nearly 9pm before they're asleep and then knackered in the morning.

I've twice said if he can't get home before 7, don't come home before 8 (so they're asleep) but he doesn't seem to think I was serious or how fucking annoying this is. Angry

OP posts:
JingleBellSniffer · 16/12/2014 10:21

Wow... just wow.
when we were kids, and still now, dad works away all the time. We don't see our dad. Ever. I'm sure my mum doesn't care what time we go to bed and as long as we sat as a family or spoke to our dad when he came home, being a hppi family is so much more than "sorry dear, you've got to wait outside because i hate how you mess up MY routine"
it's not YOUR routine. It's His and yours.
Me and DP are a team, as are my parents, their parents.
All it takes is a sharp NO from the team.

Example:
"No! Daddy's coming in to read you a story! Ah-ah-ah! Into bed!"
Enter dad
"and here's the story! child jumps up ah-ah! No. Into bed."
"But!"
"NO. Into bed. Story time."
And you keep saying NO.
It's not hard. Crying will stop, they are tired and if they are left they WILL sleep.

the pp who said they keep their husband outside... YABVVVU
When i was a child I'd only eat pasta. My mum was told by the HV that a child, no matter how much they don't want to eat what they put in front of them - will NOT starve themselves. That reminds me of this, the food is there - they will continue to eat. a bit of excitement will not make your child not eat.
Dad can help feed.
Dad can help and dad will help. if dad doesn't help, force him to help.
Dn't force him to wait outside.
How mean.
If a woman was the one waiting outside, how many people would say LTB!!!!

get a grip.

Iggly · 16/12/2014 10:47

The thing is - some of you are missing the fact that the DH could get home earlier but he pisses about and doesn't. So he is too lazy.

Not quite the same as someone who has to work those hours ffs.

rallytog1 · 16/12/2014 10:49

What jingle said.

What's all this obsession with routine anyway? Yes, of course it's good for children to have a routine. But if that routine is never disrupted, made flexible or changed, all you get is a child who can never do anything unless a very specific set of circumstances is met. Mixing it up a bit helps your children to cope with change and teaches them that life can't be entirely predicted or controlled.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2014 11:22

I so agree rally. All the advice ever given is routine, routine, routine. I followed this until one day I couldn't be bothered to give my two year old and baby a bath. So I didn't. And they slept fine. Then the bath went Down to every other day. They still slept fine. Then occasionally the story went if we're too busy. Still fine.
And now, Lo and behold, bedtime is 8pm absolutely regardless of what the dc are doing at 7.59. And that's fine.

JingleBellSniffer · 16/12/2014 11:33

Thanks rally and arethere
It's not setting your children up for the real world. At all.
if everything was routine we'd all get SO pissed off with life. thats why I don't have set days when I see DP. It would wind him up. it's probably winding your kids up too. Or you can teach them to calm down when daddy comes home.
Tell them, over and over again, When daddy gets home just sit in your beds and talk nicely"
me and my little sister managed it, why can't yours? all children need stern voices and a stern look. become supernanny.
"no, little tommy. Sit in your bed and talk nicely."
"AH! little timmy! get sat down while daddy come supstairs!"
"excuse me little jane, you eat the rest of your dinner or you won't get icecream afterwards, sit nicely now!"

thats it, really. routines are shit. yes get them to bed at a certain time.
They will soon learn that if they don't shut up and be quiet, they will be tired and they won't do it anymore. They're not silly creatuers, aren't children. they will learn.
I'm excited to see my dad so I probably won't eat for a few hours or won't go to bed for a few hours longer. Ten minutes will not kill them.

JingleBellSniffer · 16/12/2014 11:33

iggly i wouldn't care as long as he's home. My DP's not home until half 10. I get wound up then because I'm settled down for bed. He won't sleep until 3.

TheFairyCaravan · 16/12/2014 11:55

I've never read anything so PFB in my life as the poster who told her DH to wait outside until the child had finished eating! Xmas Shock We always are together, but had I have said that to DH he'd have told me to fuck right off!

Are people forgetting that these men are the DC's parents too? I wouldn't be dictating what time DH can come home etc. Maybe sit down and have a chat about how bedtime can become calmer, but don't tell him to come home once it's all over.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/12/2014 13:48

If he used to get home earlier then he still can. He just can't be arsed to do bedtimes. Yanbu at all.

Nicknacky · 16/12/2014 14:07

tread he does the bedtimes when he's home! How is he not arsed to do it?

And we don't know why he leaves work when he does, maybe the traffic is better or he gets a bit more done when others leave etc. I doubt he stays lingers just for the fun of it. It's all very well the op saying he can leave earlier but it's not her job that she is talking about.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2014 14:20

I also have to say I'm amazed at the comments on this thread. It's amazing any kind of relationships survive these draconian rules. I know there must be routine but don't let common sense fly out the window.

christinarossetti · 16/12/2014 14:26

We used to have a similar type of situation, and looking back I honestly don't think my dh realised how wearing it was to me, or the repercussions.

In hindsight, I would:-

  • go out by myself for the day/afternoon at the weekend and arrive back at 7.30pm really pleased to see the children
  • then have a discussion about how this is firstly a. annoying and b. avoidable
  • in light of b, rework a plan for the evenings
Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 16/12/2014 15:00

Nick, he can't even blame the traffic. Work for him is a five-minute bike ride on cycle paths through the local woods. No rush hour for deer and hedgehogs.

I think this pisses me off too as I work a 45-minute drive away and have to leave on the dot of 3.45pm regardless of work status to pick up DC1 on time. But I do it.

OP posts:
OfaFrenchMind · 16/12/2014 15:05

Then perfect solution to keep the routine: go full-time and let your horrible DP be part-time.
Let's see how easy it is to go home perfectly on time at rush hour, huh?

JeanSeberg · 16/12/2014 15:18

YANBU at all. Blokes like this are one of the reasons why there are fewer women than men in senior positions. The woman leaves on time out of necessity and the man comes home when it suits.

Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 16/12/2014 15:31

OfaFrench, there are a lot of assumptions there. Not possible. And he's certainly not horrible.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 16/12/2014 16:02

Forgive me op, for not knowing the exact details of your husbands commute. I assume you leave at that time for collection for childcare?

Why be pissed off that you have a longer commute than him? It's hardly his fault. My h has a five mile round trip, I do 40. It's just one of those things.

And how on earth has this become a discussion about sexism in the workplace?!

ouryve · 16/12/2014 16:04

YABU. It's his home.

Change their bedtime if it happens every night, or even most nights.

JingleBellSniffer · 16/12/2014 16:11

oh leave off it - women can be senior in the workplace. nothing to do with sex, at all.

My lovely tutor for my apprenticeship was a senior partner in one of her old jobs. And she didn't sleep with the boss to get there.

Women choose to have children. A buisness sees it as "time off work = less productivity" but nit that - this thread is not about that.

It's about how PFB some women are. If I did that to DP he'd ditch my arse faster than I could say "wait outside you'll wake YOUR children!!!!"
very silly indeed.

His home. His children. maybe he's trying to earn more money? I wouldn't stay beyond 5pm for anybody but my DP would. it's about him supporting you with money, which, y'know, you need to live? overtime = more money? Hmm

OfaFrenchMind · 16/12/2014 16:11

NeopreneMermaid I am actually on the side of the DH. It was sarcasm.
Poor bloke, working all day then barred from his children. Is he just good to bring back his wages then shut up?

JingleBellSniffer · 16/12/2014 16:16

I smell sexism...
Towards men!!!!
Shock Oh MN, you're never known for sexism towards men!! Hmm

ToomanyChristmasPresents · 16/12/2014 16:19

You have my sympathy OP. My husband used to do this. He still does. He winds them up, feeds them after the teeth are brushed, etc. And then when he has had enough gets upset because they won't pop into bed immediately as soon as he is ready. The whole mess gets handed over to me. Nice.

Mrsjayy · 16/12/2014 16:21

If this was a mother getting home late and the father wanting peace for bedtimes the dad would be called a controlling bastard imo

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 16/12/2014 16:26

Wow - some harsh comments here. I totally understand OP. I'm a SAHM and there's nothing more frustrating than 13 hours straight with two small DC, finally getting them calmed down and ready for bed and then 5 mins before bedtime, in walks Captain Save the Day (ie daddy) just that bit too late to help with baths/dinner time clean-up but early enough to ensure bedtime is now an hour later than you'd planned.

TheBooMonster · 16/12/2014 16:27

I have a similar problem with DH, he works shifts so he's either home at 5:50, 6:50, 7:50 or 8:50. if he gets home at 6:50 I have no bloody chance of getting DD to sleep, he's just incapable of moving quietly, so even if I have her upstairs ahead of normal routine she'll hear him and get excited. If he finishes later she's normally asleep, but if he has a whole 5 days in a row of the later shift she's tart acting up towards the end of the week because she doesn't end up seeing him, he makes no effort to spend quality time with her before he leaves the house in the morning so the evenings are the only time she gets to see him if he's at work.

I've taken to leaving him to it if she won't sleep, no matter how much he protests that he's tired from work.

Stealthpolarbear · 16/12/2014 16:29

All the people telling off the poster whose Dh stays on the drive have obviously missed her repeated explanations that it was a joint decisions. So half your disbelief and incredulity needs to be aimed at her other half