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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if DH can't get home before 7pm, he should stay out until 8?

123 replies

NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 19:32

Every fucking night. I spend half an hour settling DCs (2 and 4) and then he gets home about five minutes later and they don't settle for up to another hour because he's playing with them/they're just excited to see him. Sometimes it's nearly 9pm before they're asleep and then knackered in the morning.

I've twice said if he can't get home before 7, don't come home before 8 (so they're asleep) but he doesn't seem to think I was serious or how fucking annoying this is. Angry

OP posts:
ChristmasJumperWearer · 15/12/2014 19:59

OP, I sympathise, this happened so many times in the days when DH got in at that time.

Now he doesn't get in until gone 9pm most nights so I don't have your problem but wish the DCs saw him occasionally during the week. Sad

I suppose a note of caution from me would be to be careful what you wish for.

Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 19:59

YesIDid, I take your point but I'm not banning him from seeing his children. It annoys him too. He just doesn't get the cause and effect.

Also, on the odd occasion he has to put them to bed because I'm out, I make sure I'm home before 7 or after 8 and tell him why.

OP posts:
Bakeoffcakes · 15/12/2014 20:00

Shock YABU.

I can understand why it must be annoying that he gets them excited but you can't stop him saying goodnight to his children.

Can't he agree to do quiet things with them? Stories etc.

Sprink · 15/12/2014 20:02

YANBU. Routine and bedtime are extremely important with very young children and they have little idea how to give a kiss, quick chat, then doze off.

Even with primary school children (all the way to Y6) it can be hugely unsettling to have that interruption of the "yay, daddy's home" variety.

Of course he should come home and see the children, he just needs to get there earlier (work allowing, and it seems it used to) so he can then participate in the CALMING bedtime routine. (Yes, I use all caps for irony.)

My husband is a wonderful man and father; he adores us all and we appreciate it. However, I have been known to rejoice when his work schedule sends him home at 10 rather than 7.30pm.

Especially if he's eaten elsewhere for the evening meal. Bliss.

Viviennemary · 15/12/2014 20:03

You can't really lock him out of his home for an hour. ( I see you don't intend to do that) I don't think insisting he stays at work till 8 is very reasonable. But he needs to see that a quieter bedtime routine is needed. Ithink if he comes home late then they get a short story read by him if they are in bed already. Say you moved the bedtime to around half seven. Could he not ring you at say 6 pm and say roughly what time he'd be back as a start.

Gen35 · 15/12/2014 20:04

Tbh though, if my dp was picking up the pieces with tired, unhappy kids so I could see them for a little in the evening at his expense, I wouldn't do it except Friday nights as it's the weekend anyway. Op, Yanbu. Sleep is so important for good behaviour. You should leave dp to do the mornings plus tantrums a few times if he's not getting it.

Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 20:05

I'd prefer to insist (if I had to) he gets back before 7 but it just doesn't happen.

OP posts:
bigbluestars · 15/12/2014 20:06

YABU to expect him to wait outside, yes. However it is reasonable to expect him to behave in a low key manner when he gets in or perhaps wait downstairs while you finish bedtime.

My Oh would get home between 6 to 9pm, unpredictable, but he knew if he came homeduring wind down hour then he would keep his actions to a minimum to avoid exciting the children.

Keeping a low voice, slow movements, perhaps offereing to read a gentle bedtime story, not engaging in physical games etc.

You need to speak to your OH so you are both singing from the same song sheet.

JohnnyDeppsfuturewife · 15/12/2014 20:07

Yanbu. Both dds were in bed until 5 minutes ago. Dh came in through the front door, noisy as usual (I have asked him to come through the back door but he 'forgets' every night). I now hear the sounds of two sets of elephant dainty footsteps running across the landing as dds are excited that he was home.

And in the morning I'll get the grumpiness.

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 15/12/2014 20:08

I point out it was only at tea time and for the duration of tea! DH was not stuck outside on the drive all night! DH understood that DS ate better if not over-excited by daddy being home in the middle of the meal. Due to shifts, DH was either home in plenty of time for playing/bath/bed or he missed it altogether by getting home after 7.30pm.

Artandco · 15/12/2014 20:12

I would just move everything back an hour. Bedtime at 8pm, dinner later, wake later in morning. Then he can read story and all settled

We don't even get home with our 3 and 4 year old until 7pm. Right now we have just eaten and dh is about to bath. They will go to bed around 9pm and we wake 8am school day, or they wake naturally around 8.30/9am in holidays.

DixieNormas · 15/12/2014 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur · 15/12/2014 20:18

Can you reach a compromise, that if he gets home he needs to keep it low key and tell them to settle. Maybe he could be the one to read them a bedtime story.

You can't tell him he can't see his kids though if he's staying late due to work purposes. If he's just puttering around at the pubs I could see your point. But no one likes working long hours either.

Iggly · 15/12/2014 20:19

Why doesn't he get home on time?

I'll tell you why - because he expects you to do it.

If he can pull his socks up and get home at a proper time then he fucking should.

I would be annoyed. I'd be more sympathic if he had to work those hours but it doesn't sound like it.

TheMuppetsSingChristmas · 15/12/2014 20:20

You need to sit down together at a quiet time and have a grown up, adult conversation like the grown up adults you are, about the impacts this has both at night and in the mornings. It's not about blaming him - he's perfectly normal in wanting to see his children and spend a little time with them, but he does need to understand just how difficult it is for you to pick up the pieces the next day. And you need to be clear about how much this upsets you, but also provide him with some possible solutions - perhaps he could try just reading with them, or singing them some nursery rhymes or even just talking quietly about their day with them whilst they cuddle in bed. Perhaps he might actually want to move his hours to come home earlier.

DixieNormas · 15/12/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

minipie · 15/12/2014 20:23

I don't think the problem is him seeing the DC at bedtime, it's how he behaves/how the DC react.

If DH gets home while I am doing bedtime, he comes in, has a goodnight kiss from DC, then leaves and goes downstairs. So he gets to see them but not wind them up. If I get home while he's doing bedtime I do the same.

Or sometimes the person who gets home takes over at that point in the bedtime routine i.e. finishing bedtime story or whatever. But again, no winding up, routine stays exactly the same even if new parent has taken over.

Could you take this approach? Would it help?

I agree that if he can get home earlier more often (and it sounds like he can) then he should. That way he can do bedtime a fair bit more and his arrival home won't be so exciting to the DC.

CocktailQueen · 15/12/2014 20:25

YANBu - it's nice for dh to see the dc, sure, but it's more important for the dc to get enough sleep and be cheerful the next day, not whingey and over-tired. That's not fair on them - or you. Can't your h start coming home earlier. at least some nights?

veryseriousgirl · 15/12/2014 20:28

YANBU - I ask DH to get home before or after the whole bath/bed process. Otherwise, the happily settled kids get all excited, get to bed too late, are miserable in the morning. Not a lot to ask!

BertieBotts · 15/12/2014 20:29

OMG, yes, I know exactly what you mean, and I really don't think YABU! It will only be for a short time - there will come a time when it's not an issue any more. Could he sneak in totally 100% quietly and undetectably? or he could wait in the car. I see why people might find this UR but I have had exactly this conversation with fellow mum-friends and it's so true. It really wouldn't hurt to wait in the car for 30 minutes.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2014 20:31

Sometimes it's not even about the way that you act - DS used to get excited at the merest sniff of anybody being around when he was going to bed and it was a total nightmare.

grobagsforever · 15/12/2014 20:34

Sorry I generally don't comment on this type of thread as I'm aware my perspective is skewed. But couldn't ignore this.

YABVU.

My DH died in June. Your children are bloody lucky they have a dad who wants to see thrm before they go to bed. Who they get EXCITED to see. How brilliant is that, how lucky are they. You suggest he doesn't see them during the week? ??? What planet are you on? He's their dad! So what if you then don't sit down til nine. They won't be 2 and 4 forever and this 'annoying' phase will pass.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you really need some perspective. Now go and hug your DH and enjoy your evening.

grobagsforever · 15/12/2014 20:35

As for the poster who made her DH wait outside. .go and apologise to him for being so PFB!!

merrymouse · 15/12/2014 20:36

Agree with Bulbasaur - fine to ask him to be low key and quiet. Unreasonable not to let him into the house.

LetTheRiverAnswer · 15/12/2014 20:39

YANBU. My dh now works away for most of the week, and I've been surprised at the difference it makes to the routine. Bedtime is fine when he is away and I'm on my own, and fine when he is here (when he's here, he doesn't work so is around a lot more). When he was working 9am -6pm every day it was much harder. Not because he did anything wrong or unreasonable or did anything to hype them up, just coming home at that tine disrupted the winding down. So I agree, its definitely worth working out a strategy that works.