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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if DH can't get home before 7pm, he should stay out until 8?

123 replies

NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 19:32

Every fucking night. I spend half an hour settling DCs (2 and 4) and then he gets home about five minutes later and they don't settle for up to another hour because he's playing with them/they're just excited to see him. Sometimes it's nearly 9pm before they're asleep and then knackered in the morning.

I've twice said if he can't get home before 7, don't come home before 8 (so they're asleep) but he doesn't seem to think I was serious or how fucking annoying this is. Angry

OP posts:
notquiteruralbliss · 15/12/2014 20:41

Kind of. But we never did bed times. My DCs generally went to bed either when they were tired or after I came home, which was generally between 7 and 11pm.

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 15/12/2014 20:42

Um... Grobagsforever, I am truly sorry for your situation. I really am.

However, I have no need to apologise to my DH for being so PFB. DH knew that DS didn't eat his tea and completely mucked about as soon as he walked through the door and DH was more than happy when he arrived mid-tea time to wait outside until tea was finished (small house and couldn't come in and hide). It didn't happen often (shift work). It was a joint decision.

Nicknacky · 15/12/2014 20:42

I can't believe people are actually suggesting partners should wait in cars while dinner or bedtime is taking place. If I have been out working all day then I will be coming into my house, not waiting outside!

It's annoying yes, but both dad and children then need to be trained to handle this better. It's only daddy coming home, it's an everyday event!

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 15/12/2014 20:50

ThePrincess, I'm prepared to bet a handsome sum of money, you will recount your actions in future years on one of the perennially amusing threads filled with examples of ridiculous PFB behaviour! Smile

grobagsforever, I am sorry for your loss. It does put things into perspective.

Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 20:52

Grobags, I'm also sorry to hear what you're going through. I truly do understand how lucky I am and I'm not trying to stop him seeing the children; just keen for him to get his arse in gear to get home 20 minutes earlier so he sees them without the ensuing sleep deprivation.

To the poster who suggested moving bedtime and getting-up time back an hour, nice idea but we'd not get to school/childminder/work on time. Plus they wake at 7am regardless of bedtime.

OP posts:
CockBollocks · 15/12/2014 20:56

I would suggest putting them to bed a bit earlier - they are 2 and 4 and could quite easily start the routine earlier. That way your not pissed off.

i bet dh starts coming home earlier when he discovers they are asleep!!

ThePrincessWhoSatOnTheSprout · 15/12/2014 21:01

YesIDidMean... we do laugh about it now a few years on! But it did work for us at the time!

furcoatbigknickers · 15/12/2014 21:06

Wow making dh wait outside so the previous one can eat. Nope don't do that.

SanityClause · 15/12/2014 21:12

Instead of asking him not to see his DC, what about asking him to do something calm with them. Read, chat a little, sing calm songs. He could do one of those child meditation things with them, getting them to lie really still and imagine flying, or something like that. It could be a really special Daddy time, and help, rather than hinder your efforts to get them settled for a lovely nights sleep.

Original poster
NeopreneMermaid · 15/12/2014 21:15

Ooh, child meditation?

Unfortunately, they've gone tearing down the stairs and are racing around the living room before he's got his shoes off!

OP posts:
SanityClause · 15/12/2014 21:22

That's becuase they're used to having a big raucous time with Daddy, when he gets home. So, he needs to get them up into bed, and start to read a book really softly, so they have to be quiet to hear him. Then he could sing them a little song (my father used to sing the Christopher Robin song to us, as children - Little boy kneels at the foot of his bed.... Perhaps another book or too, and a little quiet chat, making sure it's all calm and quiet.

It really could work, if you both wanted it to. Your DC would have the best of both worlds - a calm bedtime routine, and lots of time with Daddy before sleep.

Waltonswatcher · 15/12/2014 21:32

Growbags, I hope you're all doing ok . Just words ,but the thoughts behind them are with you .

Starlightbright1 · 15/12/2014 21:33

I am a single mum and bedtime is my way..works really well so yes I know even when phone rings ( I don't answer if doing bedtime) can cause a disturbance.

You do need to sit down and chat 3 options or a mix of the 3
1- He gets in earlier
2- He approaches coming home at bedtime differently..IE..if you are in bed in 3 minutes I will read you a story.
3 he works later

or he does some much later nights and then has an early finish so he can see more of kids is the other option I see.

Thast 4 I jsut added last one

JeanSeberg · 15/12/2014 21:43

He needs to get his arse home on time a couple of times a week. Sounds like he's either shit at time management at work, avoiding bedtime etc because he knows you'll do it all or a combination of both.

Home at 6, an hour on the laptop when the kids are bed.

A lot of working mums don't have the luxury of coming home from work at 7pm.

Nicknacky · 15/12/2014 22:01

To be fair, the op says on page 1 that he does the bedtime so doesn't sound like he is trying to avoid it. It sounds like he enjoys spending time with his kids, although it's not the best time to do it.

I go back to work soon and will come home when it's my younger daughters bedtime, no way would I sit in the car (as previously suggested) in case I wind them up.

Like I and others said earlier, there just needs to be a bit of training done.

bestofthesunshine · 15/12/2014 22:14

Oh wow! I run a pretty tight ship, bedtime-wise but it has never, ever crossed my time to dictate to DH what time he should come home Confused

He has an hours commute and if the DC are tired I ask him to let me know when he's leaving so I can decide whether to keep them up to see him or not. But my preference is always for him to see them.

I do bath, pyjamas, teeth, stories then if he's not far away they wait to see him. Then I leave him to it, he just has to tuck them in but if he wants to spend 20 minutes hyping them up while I MN do chores then that's entirely his business.

I'm so sorry for your loss grobagsforever

Mrsjayy · 15/12/2014 22:36

This reminds me of the catherine tate sketch where they eat in the car so as not to wake the baby Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2014 22:45

Used to have the same problem when mine were younger. DH worked out of town and when he got home on Wednesday night (right at bedtime or thereabouts) it turned into a free-for-all. With the 7 year old it wasn't so bad, but the 2 year old was another thing! Took forever to get him calmed down. We ended up with having DH walk in the door and quietly walk to his chair for DS2 to climb in his lap. DS1 was 'in charge' of making hot milk/cocoa and bringing it in. Then DH would speak to them quietly, read a story, listen to how their days were. He'd carry DS2 to bed, read him another story and tuck him in. NO roughhousing! He and DS1 would then have their time together (as his bedtime was a bit later) and do something (usually watch cartoons for 1/2 hour) then DH would tuck DS1 in. The main thing was that DH had to take the lead in things being calm and quiet.

dalmatianmad · 16/12/2014 05:08

Wow! Just wow!

Making your poor husband stand on the drive in the rain so he doesn't disturb dinner.
If a woman had wrote that it would be "LTB".

rallytog1 · 16/12/2014 08:40

Wow. How would you feel if that tables were turned op? Would you be ok if your dh didn't want you to come home because be thought the dcs would be better off without seeing you?

Not everyone can dictate what time they leave work. At least your dcs get to see their father every day, which as others have pointed out, is a very precious thing indeed. If it's better that they don't, then just put them to bed earlier.

I am honestly shocked at some of the pfb behaviour on this thread. Stage managing the entire family's life around a child's meals or bedtimes is just bonkers and a recipe for children who feel the entire world revolves around them.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 16/12/2014 09:09

As the daughter of a dad that did this, I have to say some of the best memories we have is when daddy came home and chased us and played with us after bedtime.

He worked he ass off and we rarely saw him in the evening and the days he did this were amazing...He missed us desperately whilst he worked every hour god sent and he loved being the parent who let the kids out of bed after mum had settled us (luckily she was vaguely forgiving Wink

if it's every night, then yes, figure something out with him but if it's once a week then honestly, dont make him stop

Iggly · 16/12/2014 09:18

Not everyone can dictate what time they leave work
By the sounds of it, this guy can.

I make sure I leave on time to make sure my two young DCs have a decent dinner and bedtime. It isn't pfb but recognises that they're young and that is best for us all. As they grow older, then it will change. The world doesn't revolve around them as they know - e.g. I go to work when they don't want me to, I can't attend every school function as they want me to. But routine is important as is decent sleep. Many badly behaved children are probably a bit sleep deprived due to their parents dragging them around keeping to their time for adults. Thus demonstrating they have little respect for their children's needs.

vitabrits · 16/12/2014 09:21

He's being rude and disrespectful if he's winding them up after you've settled them, especially as you've explained to him how it impacts on you and the kids.

alpacasosoftsnowgentlyfalling · 16/12/2014 09:22

I was about to say that MrsJayy
Seriously I cannot believe anyone would make their DH stay outside the house Shock
Utterly nuts !
Setting up all these strange behaviours around DC is a rod for your back- DC who wont eat, wont sleep unless ...

sleepysleepy · 16/12/2014 09:26

What grobags said. Absolutely.