To be blimmin confused about parenting advice!!?! (Baby only 7 weeks old!)

[Absofrigginlootly]

posting here for traffic...not really an AIBU (sorry) but I am seeking opinions from experienced parents.....

DD is 7weeks. From what it seems in her short little life she is quite a 'high needs' baby (not to label her prematurely!).... Feeds a lot, doesn't like to be put down, needs help to get to sleep (rocking, shushing, very little background noise or visual stimulus), let's her feelings known with LOUD cries, reacts very strongly to pain/illness (she's had a cold and an upset tummy)....

Getting quite sick of being told contracdictory things by the HV (I.e. Babies given lots of cuddles/attention now will be more settled later on) and my GP (you need to put baby down to learn to self settle, you're making a rod for your own back etc)
DM and MIL also offering changing opinions depending on what mood they're in "oh I always fed 4hourly and baby just slotted in with what we were doing, baby didn't cry" and then later... "Oh we used a dummy to soothe when baby cried"....FFS!! (think there's quite a bit of rose-tinting/amnesia going on there!)

Anyway, I keep being told not to be too quiet when trying to get DD to nap etc otherwise she'll never go down with noise. That I should just put he down awake and let her self soothe.....all good in theory but I know that if DD gets overstimulated by noise she won't sleep...then turns into a grumpy, screaming, overtired mess. She would also NEVER just "go to sleep" if put down, she seems to need help to do this. To me it seems as unrealistic thing to ask of her as asking the cat to fetch my slippers!

Before pregnancy I always thought I'd be a routine sort of mummy...but DD seems to need a more 'attachment parenting' style of mum.... But I'm also worried that iam making a rod for my own back and will never leave the house if I have to follow DDs every need (on days where I've had to go out when she need a nap, like to the GPs, she won't sleep in her pram, then becomes an overtired mess).

I have mixed success using a sling so often find myself stuck on the sofa for several hours during the day.... Not ideal. But preferable to hours of screaming.
And don't even mention the word 'routine'...so far I seem to be completely led by DD and not even sure how to try and impose some sort of routine on her.

So I ask you.... WWYD in this situ? What did you do if you had a 'high needs' baby? (I'm also suspecting that she might have silent reflux due to her general level of unsettledness....?!)
How did you impose any kind of routine? If at all? Will she just 'grow out of it' and become easier???
(Some days I get quite down by all her crying/hard to settleness)

Thanks

Sorry cross-posted and just saw your update. Sorry to hear about stitches etc. I was in a wheelchair with SPD by the time I had DS (and am again now) and it took a while to regain mobility so I know how that feels. Shame about the dummy as well.

We had a vibrating bouncy chair which kept DS happy for fractionally longer than anything else at this stage. I've also heard good things about those hammock things?

It does get better I promise. DS is an absolute charmer now at 2, really quite an easy toddler after a tough start. And it is difficult, I think from your point of view there is a really huge difference between having an 'easy' baby who sleeps well and a 'high needs' one. Some of those people advising you will just have had much easier babies.

And do keep an eye on yourself. I had bad PND and it is more common in mothers of more demanding babies. Make sure you are getting at least a bit of time for yourself, especially as it sounds as if you are still v. much convalescent physically.

yes - pram took much longer than 15 minutes to work - and really never gave me a break apart from holding her.

We don't drive - but have you tried driving for longer ? It does take them a while to settle and be lulled by the movement.

Rockers - or baby swings ( friends used these) take time as well - but the rocking motion micks them being rocked in the pelvis during pg as you moved about. Plus with rocker who can use a foot to rock and thus I managed to eat and not have her in my arms.

Only place she was happy was attached to me or being rocked - which to my shock meant co-sleeping with me curled round her and my nipple close by her mouth - wasn't till 6 months we got her into her cot. So in that respect - you've done better than us.

DD1 is now a lovely confident 8 year old now who stood up and did lines in Christmas play in front of 300 +people - and sleeps really well in her own bed every night.

vibrating bouncy chair which kept DS happy for fractionally longer than anything else at this stage

This helped with DD1 as well - TBH it was more rocking it with foot that the actual vibrating bit - but it would give time to get up and back compared to the non vibrating rocker.

Go with your instincts and do what you feel is right for you and your baby. 7 weeks is still very new, at that stage I was just trying to go with the flow, DD2 had to be held 23.5 hours out of every day and I spent hours on sofa feeding. She's now almost 6 months and we have a loose routine, she's gradually getting better at self soothing but I'm not forcing it.
Ignore 99% of the advice you are given!! My mother and MIL contradict themselves all the time or MIL will say how DH used to sleep through from day 1 but FIL remembers spending hours pacing the floor with him, selective memories!
Unless you WANTS a rigid routine just respond to cues from your baby and you will figure it out together
FWIW I don't think you can spoil a little baby with too many cuddles

Thank you for your replies, much appreciated.

Any other parents out there with sleep-fighting little ones?

Best ways to cope??

Visiting from my very similar thread: you're right, our little ones sound amazingly similar! I'm having exactly the same experience as you, right down to having my mum to help just so I can eat/shower. This week (9 weeks old) was the first week I had to manage on my own while DH was at work during the day and out 2 nights this week and I'm surprised at how well I survived! There was only one day when I was woozy from hunger, which I'm taking as a victory...

I really don't think people understand how different our very alert and demanding babies are from the average newborn. I see my NCT friends once a week and my DS just seems a different species from their slow, placid babies who just sit in their laps and let them eat cake while I pace the room entertaining him with toys and jiggling him to keep him from exploding.

Every time someone tells me they had a baby like mine who just seemed to improve at some point between 10 and 16 weeks I feel a little better. I'm not expecting a miracle but I am just telling myself that this is a phase and we just have to survive it. He won't always be so difficult to manage and although I'm a bit sad that I haven't been able to enjoy the newborn phase in the way those with a cuddly quiet baby do, I know that there are better times coming.

Hang in there - please pm me if you would like someone to sympathise with while we're both struggling way. Xxxx

I once went to a wedding and was worried about being next door with very thin walls to an elderly couple.

I said, if you hear screaming, we're not murdering her, just to assure you.

The man said - you know what I've learned - just give them what they want. And that is different for every dc. Which doesn't mean you give them a truck full of sweets. go by your instincts.

I could have written that exact post! Dd would never be put down and still won't at 6 months old she naps on me, although she will sleep on the pram or car now. we tried not to be too quiet but she is a very light sleeper and is easily disturbed so we do what is necessary to allow her to sleep. I also thought I wanted a good routine etc and stressed myself stupid that it wasn't happening for the first few months but now I just think sod what anyone thinks or tells me if she needs cuddles to get to sleep so be it she will learn eventually, we have had a good nightime routine from day though 1so she's always asleep by 7 and is now sleeping through until 6ish. What your hv said is true for us all those cuddles seem to have made her a very settled and contented baby, she went through stages where she wouldn't have anyone but me and still can be like that but overall she is very placid. She fed every 2 hours until about 10 weeks but even now she only goes 3 hours I still just feed on demand really if she's hungry she's hungry I also worried that everyone else's babies were going every 4 hours etc but all babies are different. What I'm saying really is yes we just went with it and if it's easier for you to do that and your happy with it do what works for you and ignore what everyone has to say, they aren't tiny forever and learn in time, I know how tiring it can be though op.

Oh yours sounds a lot like mine.

Someone may have suggested this but has she been checked for tongue tie (by someone who knows their stuff, not a GP or HV)?

DD had it, and it was I think the root cause of her frequent waking, crap naps and overtiredness which all led to her being impossible to get to nap.

In the meantime - moving pram, dark scarf flung over to create blackout. I know you can't do long walks, get your DP to do as much as possible when he is home. The more sleep you can get into her the easier it will be to get her to sleep (and vice versa - overtiredness is a horrid catch 22)

Agreed bingle!!! I love my little one dearly, but after a very difficult road to get/stay pregnant, a very traumatic delivery and no end of feeding issues (baby had tongue tie) it would be rather lovely to have a placid, sleepy baby who you could just chuck in a sling/carrier/car seat/pram and leave the house. I do not want a routine for routines sake...I'm happy to be flexible and go with the flow. But I crave some sort of order to the day at present because so far i just feel like I'm going round in circles everyday...feed, scream, try to rock/feed to sleep, scream, and repeat.

The only time I have gone out in the last 7 weeks is to attend hospital/GP or osteopath appointments....and my god what a nightmare! Dealing with the hours and hours of screaming that follow from overtiredness at missed naps.

Their was an NCT Xmas group thing this week but I just couldn't face going. What's the point? It wouldn't be enjoyable for me having to frantically try to get DD to sleep or if not, dealing with the fall out once we were home. Tbh I'd rather just confine myself to the house until she grows out of it! Too stressful otherwise.

So you are doing far better than me to have made it to social things so far and also to have done 2 days on your own! I've always had either my mum or DH here in the background (DH works from home some days) otherwise I would never eat or go to the toilet like I say!

What I have noticed from writing everything down for the last few weeks is that DD cannot stay awake any longer than 2 hours at a time (she will stay awake ALL DAY if left to her own devices...she is SO alert!!) without it descending into meltdown...so what im doing now is watching her like a hawk..as soon as she starts to avoid eye contact, yawn or rub her face I jump straight into mission 'go to sleep'...which involves feeding to sleep and lots of rocking. If she has not given any obvious cues by 1 & half hours of being awake then I start trying to wind her down/settle her then.... Have had mixed success, but generally less screaming overall. Maybe worth a try?

I just keep saying to myself "at some point in the future, this will end. She will not be still doing these things at 18, I just have to hold on until that point at which things change" (!) fingers crossed for sooner rather than later for the both of us! Xx

Very similar to DD
Use a swing
Bouncy chair
When old enough a jumperoo
Car seat - we only really used that rather than pushchair attachment though probably not recommended.

Reflux - im not sure
I tried a bit of gaviscon but it got worse
She was awful teething and that apparently aggravates reflux with the saliva
Never lie flat except when exhausted at night and that was only a few hrs after rocking to sleep etc
She got a bit better when tummy sleeping once she could roll/crawl and in fact always now goes down that way.

But she does have a soya allergy and its in so many foods so i think in my BM. As soya in yoghurt say will make her sick.

Did you say how you are feeding. If FF has it always been the same one.

She has a lip tie so probably posterior tongue tie and was constantly bf.
We sleep trained at 11m and i got my first hands free nap.
She is still very alert. Really fights naps now (teething 2nd molars)
And has amazing language skills which i put down to being awake like a whole year more than other kids by now (2.5)
A blackout blind even during day. Trying to put down for a nap within 1.5 hrs of waking say before really overtired.

I really hope DC 2 is not like this. All babies are not high needs. They have needs but some go off to sleep
Dont need holding etc.
Im convinced that if they did they wouldnt have had DC2 so quickly, i mean who would have been holding DC1??

Thank you minipie...yes she haspd both anterior and posterior tongue tie...both have been snipped, but I've had no end of feeding issues. BF is on the whole going much better now though. But thanks for suggestion

I just used to go to the loo. There was noone else home. They are perhaps a little better if they can see you.
Do you do tummy time. Is she better then? Possibly if so her doing tummy time while you watch from loo ready to intervene.
Mine seemed fine when out. Seemed like honestly the best of the group, certainly most flexible, no fitting round routine naps as she just fed then slept on me.
I take it pram is lie flat too?

Hmmm... traumatic delivery and ex tongue tie - worth a cranial osteopath? (you may have tried that though). is there any chance the TT has grown back (quite common I think)?

My friend took her LO to an oestopath when her little one wouldn't nap well, worked a treat. One day at a time and this too shall pass... Good luck!

Sorry just seen u tried an osteopath.

I think as others have said that is about changing your expectations, I expected to be a routine sort of parent as all of my life I've run my days with almost military regimentation but I'm now very much an attachment parent, co-sleeping, rainbow sling wearing earth mother type .

DS (now 7 months) is extremely alert and observant and he has gone through phases of poor sleep, at those times I bought the Johnsons Baby Bedtime lotion and absolutely smothered myself in it then snuggled him, it works like a charm for getting him off to sleep quickly and soundly. I also found that slowing my breathing to almost yoga style breathing while snuggling him helped him settle.

We had a Babasling when he was tiny, it was sort of like a hammock and he slept really well in it, it was a lifesaving purchase as I could actually go out and about and get things done. DS has always hated his pram, even when it was the car seat in the chassis, he would just scream blue murder and he hated the stretchy wraps. When he outgrew the Baba we bought a mei tai and we've now moved on to a woven wrap as he's very tall for his age and I was struggling to carry him (I have a disability which affects my spine and legs so can't have anything which is tough on my back.) He adores both the mei tai and woven.

I'm afraid I don't have a clue about the other stuff as I co-sleep and relish every second of it. DS even comes and sits in the bathroom in his bouncy chair with me while I have a shower/bath (I make sure he's safe!), I do animal impressions at him/play peekaboo with the shower curtain, we both laugh and it works for us, though I appreciate it may not work for everyone.

Our HV and GP have said that DS is one of the happiest and most confident babies they've ever seen, so I don't believe the rod for your back stuff, trust your instinct.

I have a high needs 5 month old. Its really really tough. You are doing great just to get through each day. I find the hardest thing is that he constantly changes- 1 week he hates the pram at the moment it's the only way to get him to nap! At 7 weeks a sling was my saviour. Meant I could go out. I remember meeting up with nct folk- all their babies fast asleep, mine always crying. It wasn't me or anything I was doing just how he is. He is better now, always has his moments but better. Keep trying to do what feels right. You won't make a rod for your own back just have a more content baby. Don't refuse help- if you need sleep you need sleep. If co sleeping means you get to sleep have a read on safe guidelines. Ds still regularly naps on/next to me. Whilst I can I try to relax and enjoy them trying not to get frustrated! Everything is just a phase! I have to get out the house once a day for my sanity but if its easier have you friends/family that could visit at home? Try not to isolate yourself as adult company on tough days can really help. If I can help even just to talk through is this normal to dm me!

Read BabyCalm and ignore everyone else!

X

Trust your instinct and ignore outdated advice. My first was a high need baby and didn't sleep through till she was 2. I ended up in attachment parenting camp because I naturally did whatever I could to get more sleep and settle DD. She was only happy in a carrier so hardly used the pram, co slept, fed on demand etc etc. but felt terribly guilty for ages for not having any routine. With my second who is now 6 months, I put him in the sling pretty much from birth, lol. He was super colicky but was happy in the sling.
Now he is super happy 6 month old, sleep is another issue but the worst is over.
Do whatever works to survive! They do grow out of it and although it seems like an eternity whilst you are in the middle of it all, it only really lasts a few months...and their needs become less intense.
Good luck!

oops sorry I missed that too

Just came on to suggest crainial osteopathy but I see a pp beat me to it. Def worth looking into after a traumatic delivery.

After 4 kids the only advice that I have ever taken notice of is to go with your instincts. If baby needs rocking to sleep then rock her, if you feel she needs to be held then hold her, you cannot spoil a baby and this making a rod for your own back stuff is bullshit.

For example, my youngest is 5 months old. She is extremely high needs, she has cmpi and silent reflux and I spent the first months of her life with her in my arms - night and day. She wanted to be held all the time as it's the only way she could manage her reflux. Everybody said I need to teach her to self soothe, don't sleep with her, put her down more often, to feed her on a strict schedule. I ignored all that advice as I just couldn't leave her by herself to scream. She's now 5 months old, sleeps for 11 hours straight in her own crib (still in my room), she can send herself off to sleep and is happy to play under her play gym or on her bouncer for a good 30 mins at a time. Being held and cuddled for the first 4 months did her no harm and in all honesty probably made her feel more secure as she wasn't left on her own to cry when she was in pain.

What I will say though is if you think she has silent reflux then do go to the gp, it's awful listening to those pained screams and to keep going back until you find meds that work for her, dd's reflux is controlled now so doesn't bother her at all. Good luck and congratulations on the birth of your baby.

If I could go back 9 months to have a newborn again, I'd do most things differently. Go with what your little one wants. As far as routine, you can start to introduce a bedtime routine with bath and singing a few songs (singing the same ones over and over :) ) and then put little one to sleep. Getting up at the same time every day, helps getting in to a routine with naps and bedtime. We do 7-7, as that is what most babies seem to fall in to naturally. He does not sleep through mind, but feeds back to sleep in the night.

The area controlling sleep in the brain is unfortunately not fully developed until age 4, so it's hit and miss when babies develop the ability to self settle to sleep. Leaving them to cry does not teach settling, it just teaches them to shut up and lie still! Also, would suggest you to look up attachment theory (not the same as attachment parenting) because that can really help you finding a way.
They will stop crying so much, just soothe her for now - not by distraction, but by "absorbing" her cries. If you read up on theory, you'll understand better.

I fed every 2 hours for several months, and fed to sleep too! Now (9 months on) I rock my little one to sleep every night. We do have something of a nap routine in the day, but not much. He naps in the pram outside normally, but can at a push be put in a cot for a nap. If he sleeps outside, he sleeps for 2 hours, compared to 30 mins in a cot!

Parent with your heart, and nevermind those saying you're too soft. You're sensitive to her needs, and creating a loving, caring little human being :) You give love, she will grow up feeling loved and be able to love in return xxxx

can you lie with dbaby on the bed next to you when she naps - no pillows or duvets near her - you can snooze next to her and just lay your hand on her to soothe her if she stirs?

don't stress about self soothing - especially before 6mths (and even then imo more gentle approach is better but that is just my opinion) - allow yourself to find your own groove with your own baby x