To be blimmin confused about parenting advice!!?! (Baby only 7 weeks old!)

[Absofrigginlootly]

posting here for traffic...not really an AIBU (sorry) but I am seeking opinions from experienced parents.....

DD is 7weeks. From what it seems in her short little life she is quite a 'high needs' baby (not to label her prematurely!).... Feeds a lot, doesn't like to be put down, needs help to get to sleep (rocking, shushing, very little background noise or visual stimulus), let's her feelings known with LOUD cries, reacts very strongly to pain/illness (she's had a cold and an upset tummy)....

Getting quite sick of being told contracdictory things by the HV (I.e. Babies given lots of cuddles/attention now will be more settled later on) and my GP (you need to put baby down to learn to self settle, you're making a rod for your own back etc)
DM and MIL also offering changing opinions depending on what mood they're in "oh I always fed 4hourly and baby just slotted in with what we were doing, baby didn't cry" and then later... "Oh we used a dummy to soothe when baby cried"....FFS!! (think there's quite a bit of rose-tinting/amnesia going on there!)

Anyway, I keep being told not to be too quiet when trying to get DD to nap etc otherwise she'll never go down with noise. That I should just put he down awake and let her self soothe.....all good in theory but I know that if DD gets overstimulated by noise she won't sleep...then turns into a grumpy, screaming, overtired mess. She would also NEVER just "go to sleep" if put down, she seems to need help to do this. To me it seems as unrealistic thing to ask of her as asking the cat to fetch my slippers!

Before pregnancy I always thought I'd be a routine sort of mummy...but DD seems to need a more 'attachment parenting' style of mum.... But I'm also worried that iam making a rod for my own back and will never leave the house if I have to follow DDs every need (on days where I've had to go out when she need a nap, like to the GPs, she won't sleep in her pram, then becomes an overtired mess).

I have mixed success using a sling so often find myself stuck on the sofa for several hours during the day.... Not ideal. But preferable to hours of screaming.
And don't even mention the word 'routine'...so far I seem to be completely led by DD and not even sure how to try and impose some sort of routine on her.

So I ask you.... WWYD in this situ? What did you do if you had a 'high needs' baby? (I'm also suspecting that she might have silent reflux due to her general level of unsettledness....?!)
How did you impose any kind of routine? If at all? Will she just 'grow out of it' and become easier???
(Some days I get quite down by all her crying/hard to settleness)

Thanks

Your baby is still very young and it does take time to find out what works for you both!

I personally have from day one put my babies down when awake, never feed or cuddled to sleep, kept up usual noise levels for sleep etc and I also have followed a set routine for feeding/sleeps etc that has worked for me and my babies! But that is just the right thing for me!

I have a friend who carries her baby around in a sling all day, rocks to sleep and has no routine at all! And I wouldn't dream of telling her to do otherwise because what she does works for her and she is happy with it..... Just for me this wouldn't work!

I think you have to be very careful about the advice you give, if someone asks me I will tell them what I do but I don't push it on people because not everyone what's routine like I do!

Best advice I can give you is to just do what you find best and what works for you and your baby if you find rocking to sleep works and your happy todo it possibily until they are older then go for it!

My dd is 3 months now and it's only really been the last 3/4 weeks that we have settled into the rountine we are currently in as changes need to be made regularly as they grow and things like how much they sleep in day gets less

Smile, nod and do whatever you want. There isn't really much that you can do now which will set the scene for even the next week, let alone for her whole life. My son slept through at an early age and could self settle happily in his moses basket, but then he was ill for a couple of months with colds and ear infections has barely slept through since (not wishing to scare you, just pointing out that there's no point putting yourself through 'training' when it might not even last)! The best thing to do is whatever works for you at the time - when they are so tiny, doing whatever it takes to get the most sleep for everyone in the house is a reasonable option, so if that's what suits you then do it and ignore anyone who feels compelled to offer an opinion which suggests otherwise...

Oh love I've been there. 8 years and 3 DCs later I can tell you not to worry about routines, please please don't. 7 weeks is tiny, only one of mine had a routine by this age (middle one) and she did that all by herself, I treated them all pretty much the same but they all settled at different ages. My first cried constantly for the first 16 weeks, I'd had a very tough birth with him. After three different people recommended Cranial Osteopathy to me. After 6 sessions he was a different baby. Get the reflux checked out too but that could be an option, no guarantees it will change anything of course. I think at this age most babies are too tiny to settle easily. Give her lots of cuddles and feeds and persevere with a sling, it might just be the type of sling? Good luck!

If it is any consolation, my DS never got into much of a routine until he started eating (just under 6 months). Could never manage more than 2 hours between milk feeds either. Thought I was just doing it all wrong until silent reflux diagnosed. Then it all made sense!

Hard to tell if reflux now as so many 7 week olds are unsettled/like to be held.If you want, I will tell you what you can watch out for if you are still worried when your baby is a month or two older.

What you can do now though is to try holding your baby upright for about 20 mins after a feed when you can - if it results in less screamy crying it may be gastric discomfort. Alhough not nec reflux. Hope that helps

she is 7 weeks, she has spent 9 months in a totally different enviroment I would get her to sleep how she wants at this age, worry about sleep training later, she is just setttling into this big old horrible world.

we still rock ours to sleep only takes 10 mins...but very happy with this....

go with the flow, and when she falls into a ryhtum you can tweak it.

im no expert but can say from experience (on baby number 5) each child is different.
number 1, rigid routine
number 2, part routine but more relaxed
number 3 and 4 earth mother, co sleeping slinging.
1 and 3 were buggas, never happy!
2 and 4 the most contented babies.
the new bubba, due in cple wks, ill see wen she arrives!
I will add my other 4 aged 6 up to 16 r all as close to me, we have a great bond and r well adjusted children.

trust urself x

The best advice I ever had was from my lovely aunt. She said, "listen to everyone, then do what YOU think best".

If you're responding to your baby's cues then you won't go far wrong. Also, instincts are there for a reason.

smiling and nodding is a great skill when you have a newborn. You can't please everyone. .. Your baby's needs are the most important thing.

The thing is that everyone will have different advice because that's what worked for them and their baby. Every baby is different and every mum is different - do what works for you. Really don't think about long term now, firstly it's impossible to predict and secondly if something isn't working later, you can always change it later.

What do YOU feel drawn to do? Try various things and see what works or feels right. Don't be pushed into doing anything that someone insists is right, it might not be right for your family.

Do what works now. Then, later, do what works then. Then, even later on, do what works at that stage. It'll save you tons of worry now.

All babies are high needs. They are babies.

My 4 were all totally different. Ds 1 and dd3 loved being cuddled. Ds2 and dd4 hated it.

No theory suited your baby as babies don't read the books!

AP would have infuriated 2 of mine
and slinging, co sleeping laughable.

The other 2 would have adored it.

My advice would be have a bed time routine as in bath, feed, bed time music so music only played at bed time, dim lights. Minimal contact except to feed at nights.

In the day bright lights, conversation, nap time in the daylight, don't draw curtains, don't tip toe around.

Listen to advice. Just because someone gave birth 30 years ago doesn't to mean they havnt got good ideas.

What a funny comment from one poster.But assimilate and use what you like.

Still remember,

And if you co sleep eventually they will go into a bedroom by themselves. It's just a question of how long you can be bothered to share with them. They won't be traumatised either way.

If you sling they will all walk but you may need physio for back problems.

If you bf it ends and there's no medals. No one cares but you.

If you do BLW they will eat crap as a teenager.

Your baby sounds completely normal and obviously wonderful

I had a baby (DS2)with severe Reflux, he screamed constantly, never slept for more than 20 mins at a time and always needed me. No amount of routine or getting to self settle would of worked...he was a baby in pain most of the time.

DS1 was a 4 hour self routine, slept for 3 1/2 of those hours....They were different babies with different needs

You cannot make a rod for your own back with a 7 week old. I know all the books are full of doom laden stories of what happens if you feed to sleep, but really it's a load of old tosh.

Agree with Loki - you can make gradual adjustments as necessary. If you crave a routine your baby may settle into that with some nudging or your baby may laugh in the face of routine - and your next child will be different again.

YANBU. It's confusing, isn't it? I felt the same way with DS1, I think a lot of people do.
Other people will offer you loads of advice, but there is no magic formula for looking after babies, they are all different. You just have to muddle through. 7 weeks is very young. Often people forget how hard the newborn stage is, and give advice based on their memories of older babies. Maybe you'll look back and think that so-and-so was right after all... or maybe not. Just do your best OP. Nothing lasts - enjoy your new baby. It will get easier, I promise!

Op everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing but they are missing a major piece of advice a health visitor gave me which was...
A piece of cake every day. With frosting.
Everything else will come as you and baby get to know each other.
Congratulations on your little one.

My dc are 8 and 5, I don't care how busy I am if they want a hug or a kiss I will stop and give it to them.

Ds aged 8 is still a nightmare to get to sleep, wish he was a baby again then at least I didn't have to run up and down the stairs.

I'll give you some advice.
My golden rule: when they are doing something, eg. Crying every time you put them down, think -will they be doing this when they are 18? If not then nothing you can do can ruin them for life.

The older generation did have it easier in some ways, there was alcohol in gripe water in the 1980s.

Giving cuddles and hugs is fine, if they want them, enjoy them.

Hi OP! Bless you! Your dd sounds very much like my ds was. And hes a silent refluxer. You're a mum. You know that baby better than anyone else in the world. I know its really bloody hard but you can smile and say "thanks for the advice" or "I'll have a think about that" or "I might try that" but you dont have to!
Take the pressure off yourself. Your baby is 7 weeks old. I know people can really go overboard giving advice sometimes you don't want.
Routine isnt everything. Not quite yet. It will get there, It will happen on its own, honestly you dont need to worry about that right now. Jesus the first three months especially with a silent refluxer can be hell on earth at times. But try and listen to your baby and go with what she wants and needs. There is no need to put the added pressure on yourself of sleep nap and feed routines.
Shes 7 weeks old and she will feed plenty when shes hungry and will sleep plenty when shes tired and even though its haywire at first, just try and enjoy it. My son was all over the place for the first 3 or 4 months and after a while he set his own routine and it runs like clockwork whether i like it or not, because its what he wants.
You sound like you know whats going on with your baby, but let me tell you, even if she wasn't what you would describe as a high needs baby, she is still a baby! And all babies are high needs. Please think carefully before trying anything like controlled crying. She is still so young and if shes crying it will be for a reason, even if that reason is just cuddles from you, she wont be seven weeks old forever.

It is perfectly possible to have a smashing routine at 6 months old and onwards, to have a baby that is happy and content without controlled crying ect.

My one piece of advice to you if I could give one while she is this young is to invest in a good baby bouncer that vibrates. This really helped settle with the reflux and often ds would have little naps in the day. Ours was one a bit like this sort of shape. Sometimes at night even up to about 6 months old if he would awake uncomfortable in the night 5 minutes in this would really soothe him.

I know when you are pregnant you have all the ideas in your head of the way you want to parent and how you will do x a certain way or only use y. And everyone gives you advice like you need to take it, but ignore it all, even your prejudices and get to know your baby. Its ok to follow babies lead. Best of luck. Not read the whole post but hope Ive not copied too much of what everyone else has said. Very very jealous of your 7 week old baby snuggles!

At 7 weeks they are all high needs babies! (Not to minimise what you're going through but there is hope - even quite placid babies are often a nightmare at that age).

I had one high needs type - needed a lot of holding, lot of stimulation, didn't nap or sleep easily and seemed to be permanently angry! (She's lovely now at 2 and a half). I heard all that stuff about put her down with noise etc but it never worked for us - she struggled to nap unless on me/in the buggy. Unfortunately with a twin sister this meant my only option most of the time was the buggy (and that's why when I met a neighbour of mine at a toddler group a year later she was like "you're the twin lady! Oh, I used to feel so sorry for you passing my window 10 times an hour trying to get the babies to sleep". On the other hand I got loads of sunshine and exercise so I looked amazing (but felt like shite!)) Anyway, how she napped properly in the end was pure Gina Ford - in her cot, in the pitch dark (we got easyblinds blackout material for the windows) with a dummy to settle her off. The dummy ended up being a pain as she would stop sucking it as she fell asleep and then cry when she missed it in the night - we ended up doing controlled crying at 6 months to get rid but it helped her get a decent sleep in the first months).

The other one, on the other hand, regularly fell asleep on the baby gym with multi-coloured jungle animals dangling noisily above her

I think what my experience told me was that it depends on the kid!

I don't think you need to worry about making a rod for your back at 7 weeks. Ours started to fall into a routine at about 3-4 months but before that feeding and sleeping were just as and when. And on the slings: have you tried a more structured baby carrier? I always seemed close to dropping them out of the slings... got a carrier and all was well (I ate a hell of a lot of cold breakfasts with them in the carrier underneath).

Total sympathy on the rose tinted glasses thing... my mother claims I slept through the night from birth. However, she also claimed that she got through labour on gas and air and only when I was 35 weeks pregnant with twins did she come out with "yes, gas and air... and pethidine".

Can assure you there bloody wasn't alcohol in gripe water in 1989 when my first was born. Trust me I hunted for it and it had been discontinued.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a failure that I've never managed to get my baby into a routine, that I have to rock him to sleep, that he slept on top of me all night for the first 10 weeks and now at nearly five months still naps on me or in the sling. If I'd tried harder surely I could have changed him. Then I give myself a good talking to and remind myself that I really had no choice in the matter, you just have to do what works for your baby

Whats I think you can blame Esther Rantzen, I think she campaigned against it. In the early 80s I knew parents who would swig their kids gripe water (although I don't think it had much in).

Congratulations on your lovely new baby.It's hard work isn't it? I fully intended to be an amazing earth mother and demand feed my PFB.In reality after I nearly died of shock and exhaustion I bought a copy of Gina Fords Contented Little Baby and peace and calm reigned. I realise this book and it's author are demonized but some on MN. But seriously it worked for me.

I was totally confident that I would impose a Gina-style routine on DS who was born 3 weeks ago. Then after a night of cluster feeding every two hours (with each feed taking an hour), finally putting DS down at 6.45am after approximately anhour's cumulative sleep all night I realised LIKE FUCK I was going to wake him at 7am to start the day!!

I haven't imposed a strict routine at all but I have assumed that he needs feeding every 3 hours and have recorded his feeding times each day, and if he goes much over the 3 hour window (say up to 3.5 hours) have woken him up for a feed. I also do all night feeds in the dark, no eye contact or playing but I think I would have whether this was Gina's advice or not? I'm too shagged and not in a good way to be bothered to be playing with him at 3 in the morning? I don't keep him up for much more than an hour at each stint and I generally assume he needs a 2 hours nap between feeds so if he appears to wake earlier than that I let him grizzle a bit (I pick up for wails but not for grizzling or fussing). If he wakes earlier than that I pick him up & see if he wants feeding (which he usually does). I don't think you can be too regimented about BFing in the early days but I'd rather not Bf at 45 minute intervals if I can avoid it, except for cluster feeding sessions. Have also ignored midwife advice about avoidng dummies & bottle in these early days, he's had the occasional bottle and gets a dummy if he's still grizzlin afetr a good feed & being burped.

Obviously he's only 3 weeks so I have no idea if what I'm doing is working or not but he woke for feeds at 1.30 and 4.30 last night & fed in 30 min & then went back to bed within a reasonable time. I can live with that! After a early nights where he barely slept at all - and thus neither did we (a few cluster feedings, a couple where the poor things was obviously cold & we hadn't put enough blankets on the bed , another where he must have been full of wind & his incompetent first time parents didn't know how to properly burp him) only 2 x night wakings feels amazing touches wood frantically and prays hasn't jinxed self

Thread for Mums of babies born in October 2014

Thread for Mums of babies born in November 2014

These will be helpful (not sure which month your DD was born) to chat with other Mums in the same boat as you.

Funny Sleep Advice article

There's no one way to do it. You just have to find what works for you.

Hang in there.