To be blimmin confused about parenting advice!!?! (Baby only 7 weeks old!)

[Absofrigginlootly]

posting here for traffic...not really an AIBU (sorry) but I am seeking opinions from experienced parents.....

DD is 7weeks. From what it seems in her short little life she is quite a 'high needs' baby (not to label her prematurely!).... Feeds a lot, doesn't like to be put down, needs help to get to sleep (rocking, shushing, very little background noise or visual stimulus), let's her feelings known with LOUD cries, reacts very strongly to pain/illness (she's had a cold and an upset tummy)....

Getting quite sick of being told contracdictory things by the HV (I.e. Babies given lots of cuddles/attention now will be more settled later on) and my GP (you need to put baby down to learn to self settle, you're making a rod for your own back etc)
DM and MIL also offering changing opinions depending on what mood they're in "oh I always fed 4hourly and baby just slotted in with what we were doing, baby didn't cry" and then later... "Oh we used a dummy to soothe when baby cried"....FFS!! (think there's quite a bit of rose-tinting/amnesia going on there!)

Anyway, I keep being told not to be too quiet when trying to get DD to nap etc otherwise she'll never go down with noise. That I should just put he down awake and let her self soothe.....all good in theory but I know that if DD gets overstimulated by noise she won't sleep...then turns into a grumpy, screaming, overtired mess. She would also NEVER just "go to sleep" if put down, she seems to need help to do this. To me it seems as unrealistic thing to ask of her as asking the cat to fetch my slippers!

Before pregnancy I always thought I'd be a routine sort of mummy...but DD seems to need a more 'attachment parenting' style of mum.... But I'm also worried that iam making a rod for my own back and will never leave the house if I have to follow DDs every need (on days where I've had to go out when she need a nap, like to the GPs, she won't sleep in her pram, then becomes an overtired mess).

I have mixed success using a sling so often find myself stuck on the sofa for several hours during the day.... Not ideal. But preferable to hours of screaming.
And don't even mention the word 'routine'...so far I seem to be completely led by DD and not even sure how to try and impose some sort of routine on her.

So I ask you.... WWYD in this situ? What did you do if you had a 'high needs' baby? (I'm also suspecting that she might have silent reflux due to her general level of unsettledness....?!)
How did you impose any kind of routine? If at all? Will she just 'grow out of it' and become easier???
(Some days I get quite down by all her crying/hard to settleness)

Thanks

Do whatever keeps you sane, and sod everyone else.

You are not making any rods for anyone's back. It's a phase. It's always a phase with babies. They grow out of it.

My first was like you describe. I cuddled her to sleep, fed on demand, held her all day. Whatever it took to keep her happy and stop the screaming (and me from a nervous breakdown!).

Despite many warnings she is now 9 and surprisingly is not still being carried around and cuddled to sleep. In fact she's relatively normal. The house didn't fall down round my ears because I didn't vacuum every day, and no one starved if I didn't manage to cook.

The only thing I did with a nod to "routine" was keep her downstairs in well lit rooms in the day, upstairs in cooler, darker rooms at night.

Congratulations :) DD is now six months and my advice is go with what feels instinctive. I threw my book away, never finished it. Some of the advice was complete rubbish. They are sooooo small and tiny at that age and they need us. If they want a cuddle, have a cuddle. This time goes all too quickly before they start being more independent. I felt so sad now she doesn't want to be attached to me all the time (but I was a mum who loved being so close to her baby due to her being in icu and was crying over pics of her as a newborn earlier!).

Do what feels natural, relax and enjoy your time together. Try out different things. You know far more than you realise :)

Congratulations!

We looked at patterns of behaviour over time and tried to 'nudge' our DD into a rhythm (rather than a schedule). So if she was waking at 1pm, say, and my eventual goal was to get her to 2pm, I'd leave her for 5 minutes to see if she'd settle and/or could wait a little while. And then go to her. The next time, I'd try and get her to 1.10pm. Of course we went backwards and forwards but there was a lot more forwards than backwards which meant that we could get her into some rough timings that worked in our life.

We didn't pick her up/go to her every time she cried. We waited to see what she would do. Then we would try stroking her back, etc. to soothe her.

I suppose you could say that although we were caring and responsive, we tried to give her space to learn to be alone, to settle. We were also consistent. We always did the same things so she could pick up on our cues and start to detect patterns herself too so she started to learn about what to expect when she was still quite young.

It worked for us - very, very much so - but might not for you.

DS2 has awful, awful reflux. Have you tried a baby swing for her naps? He wanted to be mostly upright, which the swing did, and the rocking seemed to soothe him as well.

I don't believe that rods exist (for babies anyway), they go thru so many stages/phases that everything changes every few weeks/months.

You sound like you know your instincts are best, and are being told to ignore them - I'd say go with your gut, and smile and nod then ignore the 'helpful advice'. A few goes of "Mmmhmm" and a smile, and you'll be a pro at ignoring contradictory crap in no time. :)

DS1 was a tongue-tied, colicky, silent-reflux, permanent parrot-on-my-shoulder high needs Velcro baby - I figured out pretty quickly he needed an attachment style mum and went with the flow, but felt massively inadequate the whole time, as more experienced parents were telling me to do other things.
I accepted he was high needs, but I didn't trust myself to know what was best, tbh the sooner you do that the happier you'll be (IMO).
Best thing for us was an Ergo carrier, and accepting cosleeping was ok.

DS2 is a v different baby, not high needs, and generally happy, and this time around I know to trust myself.
DSis is still trying to push GinaFord on me however...

One thing we felt helped get baby to sleep was ewan the sheep. Good luck. It's not forever

I did everything possible to make a "rod for my own back" and despite winging it an doing it by instinct I now have a loving, independent 10 year old who has slept well since 6 weeks. He still only eats when he's hungry and loves snuggling up ( but not in front of his friends of course).
They are used to background noise/ chatter while in the womb so have a go at leaving leaving radio 4 or 4 extra on while your at home. And it's your heart beat that settles them when they're lying on you not necessarily the position.
Read up on dream feeding. When I discovered this we managed encourage DS to sleep for 4+ hours allowing us to get the essential sleep from midnight to 4.30.

I think the only way of creating a rod for your own back is to apply advice which goes against what your instincts and your baby are telling you to do. Not responding to your baby's cries etc may reduce crying in the future but the evidence suggests this isn't guaranteed, and it definitely increases crying in the short term, at one of the toughest stages!

"(and I don't know when parenting became a verb by the way - you are a parent, you don't "do" parenting)"

fairylights, parenting became a verb in the 17th century.

www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/parent

As for the OP, pick the bits that work for you. I use bits of Gina Ford (with two other children to go school and nursery, we do need to be up and feeding at 7am and I like having a rough routine for the day but DC4 is 9 weeks now and we are only now beginning to encourage, not force, a routine) and bits of other things (EBF and extended BFing, slings).

What works for you and your baby will depend on your personality, your baby's personality (and the next one might be different), what else is going on at home/life in general. If you are happy with how things are, great. That really is all that matters just now.

I don't believe in the rod for your own back thing. DD was always fed to sleep, cuddled when she wanted it, with me as much as possible. I didn't know the term then but I think she was probably high needs as it took months and months for me to be able to leave her sight/touch. I barely got to put her down for months. One day, she just didn't need me to feed her to sleep any more. She'd cracked it. No crying, no heartache, no fuss. She did it on her own because she'd grown up a bit. Anyway, she's 8 and I haven't fed her to sleep for over seven years, and what's more, those memories of feeding her to sleep and holding her close are immensely precious to me. I think it's the best thing I ever did, even though it was hard and tiring and it seemed to go on forever. You do what you want. You're the mum. Don't let anyone else tell you how to parent. As long as you feel you are meeting (or sometimes just trying to meet) your child's needs, you are doing just fine. Smile and nod, or just say 'actually, I'm not doing it like that and we are happy with it'. You'll be fine.

Also, actually, I firmly believe that most babies that age are 'high needs' so don't feel like it will go on forever. Another seven weeks, which may seem endless now, may change the picture entirely!

I'm not going to tell you that things will improve at a certain age, because it's so annoying when they get to that age and things are just as bad!

I can say that my DD was exactly like yours. It didn't last for ever. Nothing I did or didn't do in those early weeks and months spoilt her, or created bad habits, or had any long term impact at all!

Try a sling meeting if you are struggling to find one that works for you- they are a lifesaver for cranky babies. Dd would sleep in only 20 min stretches ordinarily, but in a stretchy wrap I could sometimes get 3/4 hours, and the more sleep you can get them to have, the better they sleep.

A DAB radio that had a ' natural sounds' setting was good to sooth her too, babies don't mind noise, just not sudden noise. Constant white noise works well though.

This website is good www.troublesometots.com

Just my own humble opinions, but these things helped me when I was in your shoes.

I remember finding that stage very difficult with dc1. The tiredness had definitely set in and there seemed to be no pattern to his day (or night!). I found him very difficult to settle and felt desperate for a bit of routine. I found using a dummy really helpful at that stage, even though I felt bad about it. I also found he settled much better when we were out in the car or in the pram. By 10-12 weeks, he had definitely settled into more of a pattern.

When dd arrived 3.5 years later, I just could not believe that I could put her in the moses basket and she would fall asleep!

Babies are so different but you won't do any harm cuddling them.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Nice to feel my instincts may have some merit despite what my DM says!! ;)

I'm just worried that I will never leave the house and I'll still be rocking/feeding her to sleep when she's 18! I'm just desperate for more sleep (can't 'sleep when she sleeps' if she's on me!!) I don't do well with not much sleep...makes me very emotional. I like a good 9 hours to function properly!!! (Yeah right!!!!!!!!) :D

I also get frustrated occasionally that so far ive had to have my mum here everyday to hold DD so I can catch up on sleep/wash/eat/go to the toilet! (Also due to needing help to recover from a very physically traumatic delivery). Feels like I'll never be able to look after her fully on my own if I can't put her down.... So it just gets me down sometimes. But I guess it's just about adjusting my expectations. Like someone said, I think there's a bit of amnesia going on when people talk about what their babies did 30 years ago and what they are actually remembering is what there 6+month baby did! not their newborn!!!

I've tried the moby wrap...sometimes she'll fall asleep in it and I can at least have my hands back, other times she seems to hate being restricted.....any suggestions for more stretchy ones??

Also, to those of you with silent reflux babies...what were your symptoms and what treatment did you have?

I remember being exactly where you are now. My DD2 born six years later was much easier. Some are high needs, some aren't and you can't do anything much to influence it.

You won't make a rod for your won back by doing whatever it takes to maximise your opportunities to sleep. Do it.

You are allowed to leave her to cry for a few minutes while you wash, go to the toilet, etc. It won't teach her anything but it also won't harm her. It just feels awful, I know.

DD1 is now 17 and has been settling herself to sleep for some time now

You need to listen to all the advice you're given politely, disregard immediately anything that doesn't feel right and try out things you think might work. A lot of people seem to forget that babies are individuals. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for others. Babies who are left to self settle are able to do that because they can, not because they were forced to learn. If you get to the point where you're making the baby learn you are verging on abusive.

JUST KEEP SWIMMING.

Gosh, you sound exactly as I did at that point (18 months ago) - together with struggling with the physical after effects of the birth.

With my son, we tackled bedtime routine immediately (as soon as my husband went back to work) and found that really had a good effect. My son was swaddled until 5.5 months though as he had a really strong startle reflex and although he would wake once or twice, he did do 8-9 hours straight once down.

He never would sleep if there was something going on in the room and I got the whole 'rod for your own back' thing but look - I wouldn't be able to sleep in a crowded bright noisy room, so why should he? When I could start doing some gentle sleep training (at 3 months we started pick up put down) it was a few weeks of consistency but I really saw the results - and routine fell into place as he learned to self-soothe. But he would only settle in a dark quiet room and is the same now.

That's just him and I won't apologise for it. He won't be napping forever and blacking out rooms is not a challenge if it gives me 12 hours of peace at night, and 2 in the day time!

Do what works for you - but if you're going to try and technique for sleep training/settling, then I would advise being consistent for a while. I certainly went through a phase or throwing the kitchen sink at it with the various things I'd read!

I too had nothing even resembling a routine at 7 weeks, and my DS sounds a lot like your DD.

He's now 5 months and I am only just getting him to nap in his cot in the day. I've only started being disciplined with it since the weekend and he's already getting the hang of it.

My point is, enjoy all the cuddles and sleepy tv watching now and you can start your routines later. Don't think that you're making a rod for your own back as it doesn't take a huge amount of effort to undo any habits you fall into.

Sorry, not read the whole thread but my only advice is to do whatever works for your and your DD.

You won't make a rod for your own back by comforting her, she's only 7 weeks old. How many 18 year olds do you know that need rocking to sleep with their mum singing a lullaby in their ear? This image kept me going for ages! DD wouldn't nap at all, so I did whatever to get her to sleep. It was much better for everyone if she napped, regardless of method to get her there. I rocked, sang, blacked out the room, walked around the estate, drove her out in the car, fed her to sleep (and let her sleep on me for fear that moving would wake her!!).

We tackled DD's self soothing (or lack of it) at about 18 months or so, when we were both ready, when I'd had more sleep and was in a better frame of mind to stick it out. She's now 5yo and is brilliant at going to sleep by herself.

Start practising the mantra 'thanks for that advice, I'll bear it in mind' (then promptly ignore). Good luck, you do just muddle through and you know your baby better than anyone else.

Silent reflux symptoms for DS1 at around that age: arching his back and grimacing in pain during feeds, writhing with gas, drawing his knees up so I had to pry them down for nappy changes, had to be kept upright for up to 40 mins after feeds or it would wake him with the burn as it made it's way back up.
He had Ranitidine from 4-9mo, as we didn't recognise it quick enough, and Infant Gaviscon did nothing for him (all GPs want you to try that first).

If/when you start on meds and they don't seem to help, go back to Doc sooner than later, iirc there's no gradual improvement, these meds either work or they don't. They all have different functions, some thicken the milk, some make the stomach less acidic, some speed digestion/transit etc.
Make sure they explain what the next course of action is before you leave the docs, no point staying on ineffective meds for any longer than nec, but obvs some meds are more expensive than others so Docs will avoid prescribing too eagerly.
In our case, the numpty GP prescribed an infant formulation of Ranitidine that had to be made up off site and ordered in at £200+ per bottle, at 6ml a dose (when we were struggling to get 2ml in him), when in fact we needed the infant dosage of the standard adult formulation which was 0.4ml! Sooo much easier (and cheaper!) once that was figured out. Planks.

There's a good Silent Reflux group on Facebook, I'm sorry I don't have a link but Google will prob know.

Mentally wetfishslap anyone who says "Sleep when the baby sleeps" - they have no idea what you're dealing with, but they don't mean any harm.
Now I think, actually, how lovely for them to have had standard/easy babies, I wouldn't wish a high needs baby on anyone, but at the time it physically hurt to be told that! (I was expressing between all feeds as we had huge feeding issues at first, so there was literally no good time for me to sleep).

Keep on keeping on eh?

Re slings:
My postnatal group this time around all seemed to like the Close Caboo, I think it's a pre-tied wrap? I used the Moby, but only found it good when he was tiny, and only when I knew he'd sleep for ages, as I found it a faff to get on/off for frequent feeds.
Re carriers now they're bigger (7/8mo) most are using Tula soft structured carriers (lovely patterns!). V similar to my Ergo, which is getting a second airing.
Hope this helps! Check out the Mumsnet sling reviews too, good range of opinions.

Can I just ask everyone as I'm feeling a bit 'stretched' at the moment.....DD has always fraught going to sleep (I think she is just a very alert baby [people comment on it] and a crap sleeper)....but ths week she seems to be going through an even more alert stage, focusing more, smiling lots....and her sleep has been even worse!!! (If that's possible)

I often have to wrestle her to nap in the day (I don't always win) ans she seems to have stopped being able to sleep for more than an hour in her cot at night. She keeps waking herself up, even when she is sound asleep. And often I can see the panic in her face and she desperately tries to comfort suck herself back to sleep before she's too awake. That's the other problem, she is seemingly becoming too reliant on comfort sucking on my nipple to get herself to sleep at the moment. I'm getting so sore!!!!!

Is this common when babies go Through developmental shifts (like becoming more alert) that their sleep suffers?

All the usual suggestions like white noise/pram/car journeys/swaddling etc etc don't really work with DD, she is a champion sleep-fighter!

My DC bf woke more between 6 and 8 (and one DC 10 weeks) - they were cluster feeding in the day as well though. It's a known increase in feeding time around then - they were building the milk supply up so it happened at night as well.

Personally I didn't use dummies but I know a few bf mothers who did as they had DC who just sucked for comfort nearly all the time - it was only way they could cope.

Though this early - maybe see if the latch is correct as well I found very slight adjustment in first two weeks suggested by hospital lactation consultant at bf clinic with first DC made a massive difference to amount of time she fed and how sore I was.

I am surprised the pushchair thing doesn't work - I literally walked for hours and hours with my first at this age - round and round the park as she'd either sleep on me or in a moving pushchair - she'd wake up at most 20 min after it stopped. She fought it but she did eventually sleep - then worked at doing it at a set time so gradually eased into a routine.

Vibrating rocker chair also helped - my eldest was very much a Velcro baby - could not be put down at all always wanted to be held by me. It was exhausting but got used to it at some point.

Have you sorted the possible silent reflux - I know parents who had babies with that and it was awful for them till they got it sorted and babies were older.

Is this common when babies go Through developmental shifts (like becoming more alert) that their sleep suffers?

I did notice this but with older babies - 5-6 plus months. Not at 7 - 8 weeks but that could just be my DC.

Maybe the pram might work if I could walk for hours and hours, but I can only really manage 15mins at a time right now due to extensive tearing/stitches etc (I'm being followed up don't worry)....

She won't take a dummy, I've tried quite a few types at different times. She just gags and pushes it out.

She is quite an awkward little soul! Not much works to settle her!

Re: silent reflux, tried ranitadine for 4 days....it gave her diarrhoea and she screamed in abdominal pain until we stopped giving it, then she cheered right up. I'm starting to think she probably doesn't have silent reflux now and just fights sleep!!!!! Was just grabbing at straws I think because she had quite a few of the symptoms....but they are quite generic symptoms I think and all little babies probably have a touch of reflux at times due to general gastric immaturity?????

7 weeks is a difficult stage, I think the crying officially 'peaks' at 6-8 weeks. I would totally ignore the 'manipulative baby/rod for your own back' brigade, I think it's nonsense in general and definitely total nonsense in such a tiny baby. Nothing you do or don't do now is set in stone, and if you do eventually find a routine emerging that doesn't really suit you, you can always change it. Have you got Penelope Leach's book 'Your Baby & Child'? I always found that v. comforting and sensible. There's also a book called 'Your Baby Week by Week' which is very reassuring at this early stage and tells you realistic things like 'this is probably the week your baby will cry most'.

I think a huge problem with tiny babies is that they change a lot very quickly - so what is appropriate/relevant to a 4 week old baby, an 8 week old baby, a four month old baby, a 7 month old are all really completely different - but unless you are actually a midwife or something almost no-one remembers all these changes which loom so large at the time. So it's really easy for people to tell you what they did and they're not lying or trying to make you feel bad, they're probably just remembering a stage a month or six months further on.

Anyway, DS is two now and I'm about to have another but he was a lot like your baby. Dreadful sleeper, hardly napped, constantly feeding, couldn't handle being put down much etc. He did seem quite 'alert' but that is cold comfort at this stage! It is very hard work, especially if you are breast feeding (because bf babies do feed more often anyway, and it takes longer in the first few months especially). If you haven't yet tried a dummy I absolutely would - it was a lifesaver for us. We also mix-fed to a small degree, so that DH could do a feed every couple of days to give me a break. Some babies like this respond really well to a sling - personally I found that DS liked it but I really didn't! So it wasn't a winner for us but worth a try. I went out a lot with the buggy, even though it snowed the entire winter that DS was tiny - he didn't necessarily fall asleep, and if he did it wasn't usually for very long, but he seemed to find it interesting/soothing at least and it kept me sane. I kept a sleep/feed log thing on my phone/ipad which at least helped to spot a few tiny patterns. Basically he almost never slept more than 12 hours out of 24, from birth onwards. He has actually been really consistent about that - he still sleeps about 11-12 hours (10-11 at night and one hour's nap). Through the whole of the first year especially it was a lot less than all the books etc said but it has been so consistent I think it was just him.