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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
cariadlet · 23/03/2015 00:02

Hi Jenny,
I'm glad the link was what you were looking for. I remembered having read it in the newspaper when it was printed and finding it very moving. I hope your husband will be able to get some comfort/use from it.

tulipbulbs · 23/03/2015 10:28

Jenny, good to see you up and at it. I wonder if you should have a parallel thread on the parenting section asking for parenting clips/ advise from people who have been through this? because it isn't obvious that you are searching for these from your title on this thread. Then you would get posts from both sites.
My father had a sudden and traumatic death. As a result a bereavement counsellor saw me immediately. They normally don't see you until after 6 months. The counsellor gave me one piece of advice that I really hung onto. She said "this is your special year to spend with your Dad" and I really felt that she was right. I thought of my father all the time, every song related to him. It made me feel really close to him. It felt a little bit like being a teenager, having all these intense emotions. She also warned me that when you get to about 6 months, that reality bites and you think you are going mad. You're not. It's a tough stage in your grief.

I think your husband has been given a mission by you, to love and parent your son. This will help him enormously. A great family friend of mine, lost her husband when her children were 2 and 4. They are in their 40s today. She says that she feels much lonelier and sadder now. When they were young, she had a job to do and they were a great consolation.

Have a look at David Coleman.ie He is a clinical psychologist who is really down to earth and has loads of good advice on parenting.

SlightlyJaded · 23/03/2015 19:41

Another Blog here that might be of some comfort JennyWren. Michael Adams lost his wife Helen at 34 to cancer. They had two small children and Michael has written a blog documenting his loss and the journey he found himself on, in a really positive way.

www.clearlypositive.co.uk/the-story/

Thinking of you this evening x

RainbowInACloud · 24/03/2015 11:12

Jenny- I've not posted before because I could not think of anything to say that might help you. I am so sorry for what is happening to you and I think about you every day. However, I read an article today written by a neurosurgeon who recently passed away with terminal cancer. His words are beautiful and profound- particularly those to his baby daughter. Here is an excerpt from the article.
Kalanithi’s essays, “How Long Have I Got Left?” for The New York Times and “Before I Go” for Stanford Medicine, reflected his insights on grappling with mortality, his changing perception of time and the meaning he continued to experience despite his illness.

He closed his Stanford Medicine essay with words for his infant daughter: “When you come to one of the many moments in life when you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man’s days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more, but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.”

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 25/03/2015 09:38

Thanks everyone. I have saved the blogs to a folder I will give my husband. At present he is not able to think about what will happen after I am gone.

OP posts:
QOD · 25/03/2015 09:49

Nothing seems real I guess. Keep in touch when you can!

Littletabbyocelot · 25/03/2015 11:06

My mum lost her dad when she was 6, my aunt was 3. Like you his was a sudden diagnosis of terminal cancer. It's shit and completely unfair and I'm so sorry. My mum and my aunt remember and love their dad.

My mum has always said the thing she wished her mum had known was not to make any big decisions for a couple of years. In her grief my grandmother moved them to a different country, away from her support network because that's what they'd wanted to do together one day.

saffronwblue · 27/03/2015 21:20

I've been thinking about you Jenny. Would your husband like a copy of the Mumsnet Rules?
I firmly believe that the love you are pouring in to your little one will be imprinted on him and surround him all his days.

My dear friend lost her DH when their DC were 6 and 4. Her counsellor told her that the DC would grieve again for their father in different ways at different times in their lives eg milestones like hitting puberty, finishing school etc. I don't want to make you feel sad by saying this, just to alert your husband that as your DS moves into different parts of his life he may need extra support as he experiences the loss in a different way.

Holding your hand.

TrulyBadlyMeekly · 27/03/2015 22:33

Jenny your DD will remember the essence of you. She will remember the feelings of security and safety you gave her. She will remember your perfume and the tone of your voice.

You'll appear in her dreams. You'll be the face smiling out at her from a photograph.

She has been created from your genes and DNA. In many senses she is you, and you are her and the two of you are so closely enywinned that the essence of you both cannot be seperated.

A baby girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have. When you carried your DD in your womb, in turn she already carried the egg within herself that will become her own daughter or son in time.

Again your essence, or spirit, or whatever name you choose to call it is carried within your DD and on into her children and their children.

You cannot be forgotten. You are intrinsic and elemental to your DD.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 02/04/2015 07:53

How can I accept this is happening? I'm so stuck in anger and pain.

OP posts:
Nibledbyducks · 02/04/2015 08:22

Sweetheart, you feel whatever you feel, you are allowed to be angry xx

I lost my mum when I was very young, and my 3 sons lost their father young too. If we can help at all then pm me. Perhaps I could tell you the questions they ask me, or the ones I asked about my mum?
I'm not sure if I'm helping, but didn't want to leave you waiting for an answer.

saffronwblue · 02/04/2015 09:39

Of course you feel pain and anger - it is a totally cruel and unfair situation. Just holding your hand here.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 02/04/2015 10:46

I need to find some peace with it though because every second I spend with my boy is precious and I can't enjoy it when I feel so preoccupied with fear and anger

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 02/04/2015 11:45

It must be really hard to push aside your fear and just spend every moment focused on your ds. Just thinking so much about you and sending you strength. Xx

RumbleMum · 02/04/2015 12:12

I haven't posted here before, but I wanted to say I think of you and shed tears for you and your family often. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I can't begin to imagine being in your shoes, but I do think it's inevitable you feel pain and anger - who wouldn't when it's so cruel and unfair? Would it help to just accept that's how you feel, instead of fighting the feelings? I've done this when going through bereavements and sometimes there's a relief in just accepting it. I don't whether that's helpful, and I'm sorry if it isn't.

FWIW I know several people who lost their Mums young, and they have never been forgotten. All the mementos become so precious and one friend in particular talks to her Mum regularly and tells her about her own children and confides in her.

I wish I could be more helpful but just wanted to say I think of you often. xx

RumbleMum · 02/04/2015 12:19

PS Another thought, again, I'm not sure if it's helpful. But your son will always love you as much as he loves you - always.

RumbleMum · 02/04/2015 12:20

That should say as much as he loves you now.

proudmummywife · 02/04/2015 14:11

Hi Jenny sending you my thoughts. Have you a son and daughter? I see the op you mentioned dear daughter and skipping to the end you have dear son?

proudmummywife · 02/04/2015 14:12

Sorry meant to say u in my thoughts and prayers

proudmummywife · 02/04/2015 14:28

I'm so sorry I just seen the details were changed to protect your family. You sound lovely Jenny x

QOD · 02/04/2015 16:47

Jennywren was protecting her identity a bit at the start. She has a ds

Jenny are you able to be preparing the cards and things or is there a friend or family member you can get to buy then if it's something you want to pre prepare? 18 th birthday etc? For all I know I may miss my dds. Sobering thought

you're in my thoughts

NorwegianBirdhouse · 02/04/2015 17:16

Jenny, I have been reading this thread but don't know what to say. Just that I am thinking about you and your family.

PurpleLilies · 04/04/2015 18:10

Hi Jenny, I have been reading this thread and following all of your updates. I am so so sorry this is happening to you, it is so cruel and unfair.

I think of you every day. My heart goes out to you and your family. Flowers

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 07/04/2015 19:58

I have all my family around me and yet really I have never been more alone. Nobody understands. How could they?

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 07/04/2015 20:44

I have no words to help at all but I just wanted to say how much I have been thinking of you and your family and judging by this thread MN are hear to talk and listen whenever you need it Flowers