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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to run away

689 replies

LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:15

Today is my 25th birthday, likely the last birthday I will ever have. I have recently been diagnosed with a rare cancer, and the prognosis is not good. I have a two year old daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She will never remember me.
Anyway, all of my family and friends want me to enjoy my birthday. My DH wants us to do something special as a family and pretend everything is normal. But I can't. AIBU to just want to check myself into a hotel room alone and spend the day crying? I can't cope anymore. Nothing helps.

OP posts:
elportodelgato · 15/12/2014 10:22

Jenny, I couldn't read and run. I hope someone else will be along soon with some helpful words, but this is very very tough and my thoughts are with you.

Dowser · 15/12/2014 10:23

No you're not being unreasonable you are in shock.

When you've calmed down and got your head around it start doing some research on how to get your body well and strong enough to cope with what lies ahead.

Off the top of my head , there Linus Pauling, hulda Clarke, rick Simpson, Joanna Budwig ,

There are lots and lots of cancer protocols for staying well. Be careful of all the negativity associated with this disease.

If I find any links I will post them.

Start with diet. Give your body some good ammunition to fight with.

Dowser · 15/12/2014 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn.

throckenholt · 15/12/2014 10:32

Your birthday, your choice. Tell DH what you want to do.

Hopefully your prognosis isn't as bas as you fear at present. In the meantime, try and work out lots of ways you can leave memories for your DD should the worst happen.

Dowser · 15/12/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 10:52

I have no fighting spirit left. I am dying slowly and painfully and it is hell. I have so far spent the day lying in bed crying. I can't look at my dd or dh, it's too painful. Does anyone have any ideas of things I could do for my dd, something to show her how much I loved her?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 10:55

LostJennyWren

I am sorry for your news. Have you got access to counselling/ a cancer centre or Macmillan where you can have a talk to someone who isn't emotionally invested in your health. People have to give you time and space to process this in your own way. Perhaps a Macmillan nurse could speak to your DH. Maybe the last thing you need right now are people trying to "jolly you along". Perhaps its a bit like a grieving process and you need time to work through a range of strong emotions before you decide how you want to approach things.

Good luck Flowers

Andrewofgg · 15/12/2014 10:56

OP Stay away from Dr Google and all so-called alternative practitioners who are quacks.

Beyond that? Much love to you and as a PP said it's your birthday and your choice.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/12/2014 10:57

You could make a memory book for your DD. Write letters to her for the future.

You sound understandably down and depressed. I really think you could do with some professional help with your mood. Please speak to someone about counselling / depression.

Original poster
LostJennyWren · 15/12/2014 11:13

Yes, I am talking to people, but no one can say I'm not dying so its not helpful really. My dd will probably grow up calling someone else mum. That hurts the most. Sorry not making much sense. Will spend the day writing letters to her. I'm so afraid!

OP posts:
madsadbad · 15/12/2014 11:19

Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do.
Make a memory box, write down your memories and shared experiences, write letters for the future, birthday cards for the future
Flowers- my thoughts go to you

HoHoHappyHolidays · 15/12/2014 11:24

YANBU!

Can you ask to postpone your birthday until you want to celebrate?

The Queen has 2 birthdays so why can't you?!?

madsadbad · 15/12/2014 11:26

Do you read any certain stories or sing a special lullaby- could you record that
Photo album of your life- with info/funny stories
Could you make a blanket together

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/12/2014 11:29

Why don't you buy a charm bracelet, the buy every birthday card till she is 18 and put a little charm to put on the bracelet.

A memory box is a good idea.

If you don't wish to celebrate, then you don't have to.

Eyespy24 · 15/12/2014 11:30

So sorry to hear this Jenny.
Could you write birthday & Christmas cards /messages for the future for your DD?maybe some recorded messages/videos too.

I've come across a mum with a terminal illness who made recordings of popular children's books for her DCs to listen to when they were older. So you can still read a bedtime story.

Make lots of photos & videos with her. When you feel well enough to do what you want to do.

LisaD1 · 15/12/2014 11:32

I am so so sorry to read this and my heart truly goes out to you.

Your daughter will remember you, those who love you will help her.

A memory box would be a lovely gift to leave her and one thing I long for every single day is to hear my late grandfather's voice, so perhaps a voice message for her? My grandad died when I was 13 but he wrote my 18th birthday card before he passed, that was extremely special.

Thoughts with you x

Summerisle1 · 15/12/2014 11:35

I also agree that you must be kind to yourself. Your dd will remember you, no matter how little she is and you can make memories for her. A box of pictures, favourite stories and any other little things that are special to you both.

Don't be afraid to tell people about your illness. Do contact Macmillan who are an excellent source of support. And try and live for today. Not an uncertain tomorrow.

Sending you my warmest wishes.
Flowers

formerbabe · 15/12/2014 11:35

I'm so so sorry op..... I am crying just reading your posts...my heart goes out to you. It is my greatest fear as a mother and I can only imagine your pain. You will be in my thoughts this Christmas Flowers

Some ideas for your daughter.

Write her birthday cards for the future which her father can give her every birthday until she's 21. You can even write jokes in there, life tips/skills/messages/anecdotes and tell her how much you love her.

Takes as many photos as you can.

Record your voice for her.

I will be back if I can think of anymore things. Thinking of you op xx

MonstrousRatbag · 15/12/2014 11:35

Be careful of all the negativity associated with this disease.

Be even more careful of the subtle and not-so-subtle pressure to suppress your natural feelings of fear, anger and loss. This is real, this is frightening, and it is happening to you however positive you manage to be. It is perfectly ok to feel daunted or even overwhelmed by that. Feel how you feel without guilt.

Ask your DH to hold off on the birthday stuff if you need that. It might be easier to have something low-key that doesn't take place on the day itself.

ItIsSmallerOnTheOutside · 15/12/2014 11:38

I was going to say a memory box but see that other posters have beaten me to it. Letters, photos, little charms. Anything you pass on to your daughter will be so special to her. My heart is breaking for you, I can't imagine how hard this must be.

LoisHatesChristmas · 15/12/2014 11:45

I'm so sorry op, I agree with previous posters that spending time making/writing things for your daughter might help. I think a couple of hours alone to just cry isn't a bad idea either but don't run away Flowers

TaytoCrisp · 15/12/2014 11:47

Dear Jenny, my heart goes out to you. I am in tears reading your posts. I can't imagine anything more difficult than what you are going through. What services are in your area? Do you have access to a social worker - often they are very helpful in offering advice on memory boxes and communication. Maybe when you feel strong enough you could start to take videos of fun times with you daughter. Maybe you could make a short film or put together clips for her. There are lovely photo books that you can put together online - you could make a book for her that she would always keep and cherish. That way she will always remember you and understand how tough and brave you are. I really hope your prognosis is not as bad as it seems but the advice in these situations is often to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Sending lots of love you way today.. You will always be her mummy, even if she does call someone else mum at some time in the future you will always be her real courageous mum that loves her more than anything else in the world. Start to make a record of that; she will always know. Will be thinking of you and sending you lots of love today.

HearMyRoar · 15/12/2014 11:53

You are absolutely entitled to feel the way you do. You are also allowed to take some time out to grieve for yourself. In fact it really sounds like you need that right now, so yes, lock yourself in your room for a bit and cry your heart out if that's what you need.

My mother is now in the final stages of cancer (I expect her to die around christmas), my own daughter is 2 yo and it breaks my heart that she probably won't remember her, I can't imagine how much it must hurt you right now. My mum has put a lot of effort into putting together small gifts, choosing books for dd to read as she grows up, writing letters and stories for her, and putting together a book of photos. It helps to know that though dm won't be there she won't be forgotten and I will have these things to talk to dd about my amazing mum.

For what it's worth I am sure your dh has the best of intentions, but it's not always easy to know what is the right thing to do what the person you love is dying. Talk to him about how you feel and explain you need some space and you just don't feel up to big celebrations. Maybe you could do something small, just some nice chocolates and takeaway for dinner at home or a trip to the cinema, just the three of you.

It was my mum and dad's 30th wedding anniversary yesterday. We went to the hospice and ate biscuits my dad had made and drank a bit of bubbly and it was lovely. I am glad for my dad he got to acknowledge a special time even in a small way.

throckenholt · 15/12/2014 12:49

Write her memories of what you were like as a little girl. Try and remember what it was like being 8 (or 12 or whatever), and write it down for her. She will have a connection to look back on. Write stuff about the things you liked to do, places you enjoyed. Write stuff about your family - little stories that no-one else would think or be able to tell her. Can you remember your grandparents for example - write it down - what was it like to visit granny etc. How you met her dad etc. Things that she might like to know when she is grown up and not just a child.

Hopefully going through that process may also help you put your life in context and make it easier to cope with what you are going through.

Life has dealt you a tough hand, try and use it as an opportunity to pass on as much as you can think of for her in the future.

Patilla · 15/12/2014 12:56

Could you do some video messages for her to watch when she is older?

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