give it to me straight - am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

[twoopsie]

To cut a long story short. My parents are very well off,dad is on a final salary pension and mum draws a state pension. They have a 5 bed Edwardian house in the south east, 2 buy to let flats owned outright, and from my dads side they inherited the family farm that is let out to four different people / businesses.

They have an income after tax of 8k a month and spend money stupidly. Dad bought a Mercedes purely to drive to the golf course as the clubs won't fit in the ferrari. 4 exotic holidays a year. Spend more on an extension than my whole house cost.

Anyway good for them but they have told me that they don't intend to leave me anything as they have earnt everything and want me to do the same. Firstly they haven't earnt everything as they inherited , mum has had state pension for more years than she worked and dad got to retire early on a final salary pension. They happy take extras like the free bus pass so the car won't get scratched in town and talk about using the winter fuel allowance to buy wine and claim theyve worked for this and are entitled to them.

Aibu to at least expect them to pass on what they were lucky enough to inherit?

However he's told us that he will leave everything to my (much younger) step mother. They have been married for ten years. She has children and grandchildren too. Apparently when she dies she will leave some to me and my siblings, but I don't expect her to

This is the saddest situation of them all, I think, and I've seen it happen too many times. It's mostly fathers who do it, and it always strikes me as sad (and can also make me angry in a feminist kind of way) that fathers seem to care so little for their own flesh & blood.

If you want to change the situation, you need to explain to your father that what he intends to do is likely to leave you inheriting nothing and his second wife's children & grandchildren inheriting it all, and his own children & grandchildren inheriting nothing. Ask him if he's happy with this (rather than say you don't like it).

If he's happy with this, then he should leave everything as he has told you. If he'd like his own children to inherit something, then he needs to make a simple trust for that portion of his likely estate which he wants his children to inherit.

It is possible to approach this fairly calmly and unemotionally, particularly if you don't expect to inherit, and don't need to inherit. My cousin had to do this with my uncle (her father) who was just unthinking about a "loan" of around £100k he'd made to a woman he was rather keen on (after his divorce from my aunt). They weren't in a relationship, but it seemed he wanted them to be. He told my cousin that if he died before the loan was repaid, he had left instructions that it didn't need to be repaid. My cousin told me she broached it in a businesslike manner, asking him if he was happy that this woman's child would inherit more from him than his own grandchild. She was actually very nervous (and quite angry) but knew she needed it not to be about her seeming to count on the money, and anticipating his death. It worked; he changed his will.

Looking back (this was about 15 years ago) in my uncle's case, it was carelessness & thoughtlessness. He had no intention of "cutting out" his own child./grandchild, but just hadn't thought through the implications of his actions (dazzled by a woman, I suppose). It taught his brother (my father) something. He's been far more careful.

Well obviously you don't have a 'right' to inherit anything.

However your parents sound like very mean, selfish and stupid people and make it sound like they would rather see you struggle than leave you anything when they die.

Which, quite frankly, is a strange point if view for a mother and father to have towards their children.

I dont think we should expect to inherit but if its looking obv they want to leave stuff...then a dicussion would be good, but there is something about teling your child you wont get anything....thats really un pleasant.

I wonder...do you think they are going to leave you something but have simply told a white lie so you dont rely on it?

it seems really odd..

I think the money my parents have worked for, is their own. They inherited very little (a few thousand) and paid my grandma's rent for the last ten years or so of her life. I would have loved it if they could have really enjoyed their retirement. Sadly, my mum has dementia and my dad is having to work past retirement age to afford her care. I would have been very happy with just their presence in my children's lives.

am I entitled over inheritance or are my parents selfish

I'm sure someone must have pointed this out already but have only skimmed the thread...

You do realise that these two statements are not mutually exclusive and it's very possible that both are true?

Greengrow , £100 a day for 24hr care at home sounds about right , not that the person providing that care will be payed anywhere near that amount . I know people who are having to pay top up fees for nursing home care so that their parents can stay in the nursing home they have been in for 5 years . The nursing care payment doesn't cover the full cost and as the relatives funds have run out , to remain there means paying an extra £300 a month out of their own money . I can see that happening a lot more in the future .

I love how some people get snobby when anyone discusses money. Prerogative of those with money, I guess.

Of course the parents can do what they want with their money. I don't see the OP dictating to her parents. But they are saying they worked for everything they got. They didn't. So they are liars. Really, they are outright liars.

If this is a genuine, "you'll get nothing from us," then yeah, I might say, "you'll get nothing from us either..." You don't get our company or time. Why not?

Today's pensioners haven't got it good. Absolutely, when our kids are pensioners they will also get eighty odd years free at point of service health care, free bus passes, free fuel allowance, pensions for more years than they've worked, final salary pensions etc. etc.

Oh wait.

No, they won't. It's going to be a massive, massive struggle.

Which is why most loving parents find it more important than ever to try to ensure their kids don't fall into poverty. I hope I have something to leave my kids - I probably won't have much - but there's no way I'd spunk money away rather than leave something for them.

Perhaps you could charge them handsomely for Xmas lunch and repatriate some of their money that way?

YANBU. Surely parents want their child to have as lovely a life as they can give them. Not deliberately make it more difficult than it has to be.

Perhaps the op will make Xmas lunch and they will pretend/lie that they made it all themselves and share none of it with op and her children?

There certainly doesn't seem a lot of parental love here. If your child needs financial help, surely as a loving parent you will hold off on the luxuries a bit (eg as here 4 exotic holidays) in order to help. You're not obliged to, but it does suggest a lack of love for your child. I think that in France parents are obliged to leave their property to their children. Wish it was the same here in some ways. Abusive parents use it as another form of abuse.

9Bluedolphins I agree with the French system. I knew a gold-digger that married a man much older than her that was most put-out that his grown-up children got all of his money when he passed away. They'd only been married a couple of years.

I don't think that anybody should cut their own spending just so they can leave money to their children, but also, they should not spend it deliberately to die penniless.... and if they have money/assets when they die, then they should leave it to their children.

But at the end of the day, it is their money, whether they earned it or were given it, and as such they are entitled to do what they like with it.

twoopsie - I think it is your entitlement mentality that people are questioning. You are not entitled to anything. You are a grown adult. If your parents choose to give you something, that is their choice. Are you having similar discussions as these at home in front of your kids?

OP Just read your post where you say that you are thinking of not inviting your parents to Christmas dinner. Are you for real?!?!

I am currently watching the news on the Sydney siege & there is a family whose loved one has been taken away from them & wont be there for Christmas. Yet you will choose to let money come between you & your parents.

Shame on you.

As someone else said this is such a vulgar thread.

Ah! Someone a bit upthread asked if this was another one of those 'old people bashing threads' and it seems that there is something of that in it.

Absolutely ridiculous statements of hate/jealousy "they didn't earn their money it was house price increases and now closed cheers easy pension plans". Yeah! That'll be it... fuck 'em all, greedy bastards!

Your greed is showing! Do grow up dear!

I think that in France parents are obliged to leave their property to their children.

That doesn;t seem at all fair. What if you haven't seen any of your children for 10 years whilst your lovely DIL (divorced from your DS) looked after you and avoided you going into a home by caring for you so well. And you have to leave your property to her ex DH who hasn;t bothered with you in decades.

How is that fairer?

Like it or not once you inherit money, you are free to do with it what you wish. I don;t think the government should get involved in it.

They sound like arses. I fantasise about helping my children out one day and cannot comprehend why anyone wouldn't want to.

Kewcumber - the flip side of the inheritance law in France is that it would be the estranged daughter who was legally obliged to pay for their parents care in their old age. The state doesn't automatically step in where the child has money to pay for it.

Sorry, should have been estranged son not daughter in my example.

Revoking their Christmas dinner invite 10 days before is as petty as their open declarations about dying penniless. I guess it's true what they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. What sort of values are you teaching your children?

Bizarre to bring in the events in Sydney. Absolutely bizarre.

I think they are extraordinarily egotistical in their idea that they have 'worked for' a bunch of stuff that they actually inherited - not to mention that luck plays a huge role in things like employment. I can't STAND people who think that they got there by pulling themselves along, when they were really just lucky, or the beneficiaries of history or inheritance. Sure, I reckon they probably did work for it - but plenty of people work REALLY hard and never earn more than minimum wage.

(Before someone accuses me of envy, DH and I are well off. We do work hard. But luck and being in the right place at the right time also played a huge role).

Bizarre to bring in the events in Sydney

I don't think it is actually, John. The idea is that we very easily forget to appreciate and be loving to the people around us but forget that they could walk out the door in the morning and never come back. Our loved ones are of course, very unlikely to die in a terrorist attack but everybody dies of something and nobody can know when.

All I see is a greedy woman jealous of what her parents have, who can't wait to get her selfish mitts on it, and can't abide the thought that her parents see her for who she is and have other ideas for their wealth.

I wouldn't dream of not working and passing the fruits of my labour on to my children, but I can see why OP's parents have chosen to teach her a life lesson.