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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think good eaters / sleepers / tempremant is just down to good luck?

125 replies

Beatrixemerald · 13/12/2014 20:53

My baby is not a great sleeper by any means but turns out she is a brilliant eater, loves all food, and breastfed immediately really well, she is also really happy. I totally think all of.this is luck, I have worried where I have gone wrong with bad sleeping but since she is starting to be weaned and doing so well (through nothing I have done) I have decided all of it is just down to luck, AIBU?

OP posts:

Sallystyle · 14/12/2014 22:33

Oh and my son would rather starve than eat many foods. Either way, if I don't offer alternatives he starve. Either by lack of food or throwing up when he eats it.

My main priority is and always will be feeding him enough to keep him alive.

minipie · 14/12/2014 22:35

At the baby stage I reckon it's 95% luck/inherent nature and 5% parenting/nurture.

As they get older I think the influence that nurture can have increases. Still a hell of a lot of nature though.

Twiceover · 14/12/2014 23:10

I have twins. It's definitely mostly luck. Exactly the same routine as babies, one slept through the night from 9 weeks old and I can count on one hand the number of times she has woken me up since. The other didn't reliably sleep through the night until she was 3. Meh.

SoleSource · 15/12/2014 02:50

My DS is blind. As a baby he was asleep unless feeding and would often fall asleep during that too. He is 16 now and unless he is at school or out, at home is asleep.

Right dope he is lol

claraschu · 15/12/2014 03:15

I have three children (19 16, 13). They all have completely different temperaments. They all co-slept with us for years, woke often but not for long as babies, eat an adventurous and healthy diet (also we are vegetarians and they have all chosen to stick with that so far). I do feel that something about how we brought them up affected their eating and sleeping.

fatlazymummy · 15/12/2014 06:14

Of course it's not just luck. There are things parents can do to help their babies to sleep and eat well.
Some babies respond better than others though, and that is where the luck comes in. Out of my 3 babies all 3 slept well, but I did things to help them settle and sleep well. It didn't just happen by accident. With eating, 2 ate well, and one was a very fussy eater who only ate tiny amounts. I had to put a lot more effort into feeding him, but he did eventually respond though it took years.

lambsie · 15/12/2014 06:32

It's mostly down to luck. Ds has always been a poor sleeper and even medication doesn't work. He eats pretty much everything with the things he refuses all having a similar texture so that is obviously a sensory issue to do with his asd.

confusedandemployed · 15/12/2014 06:32

I don't think it's luck at all, medical issues aside. Babies thrive on knowing where they stand (I.e. routine) and if you give them a clear structure for their life they will respond accordingly.
I know two couples who had an easy first baby, who was raised on a clear routine. When the second DC came along they found them to be much more 'difficult', despite doing what they thought was exactly the same. They didn't. They were far more flexible without even realising it - I suppose the benefit of experience meant that they worried less but as a result they 'took their eye off the ball', so to speak. I think that you need to be consistent for at least the first 6 months and ideally for the first year. Then I find you can comfortably vary the routine without disruption.
With the weaning thing though - parents control what their children eat, so it follows that they control what they don't eat as well. So give them everything, is what I say! You may not like liver, but s/he might (DD hates liver but likes almost everything else so it's not a hard and fast rule )

bigTillyMint · 15/12/2014 06:44

I think it's mainly luck/inner temperament too. Mine were the easiest babies - good sleepers, eaters, not clingy, rarely cried, etc, etc. I did have basic routines (NOT Gina Forde style though!) and because they were easy, I was calm with them.

BUT I suffered in the following years, and am still suffering with teens

sleepywombat · 15/12/2014 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElphabaTheGreen · 15/12/2014 06:56

At the baby stage I reckon it's 95% luck/inherent nature and 5% parenting/nurture.

^^ This.

Pre-baby, I was a fervent believer in routine. Then DS1 came along and I realised he didn't share my view despite my very best efforts. I did my best to maintain good sleep habits/routines but he remains a shit sleeper at 2.5yo. We did BLW and no jars to 'ensure' he was a good eater. Now, if it's not beige it will not pass his lips. Bang goes that theory. Absolute epic tantrum thrower over the slightest thing. Perhaps DH and I are having some influence over managing those but again, based on anecdotes here and IRL, you either get a tantrummer or you don't.

DS2 has had every sleep trick thrown at him since the day he was born. I'm strict with nap times and lengths, not feeding to sleep etc and he goes down wide awake in his cot every night and self-settles to sleep. He is then awake Every. Fucking. Hour. And has been that way since birth. He's 19 weeks so not started weaning yet, but I feel in my waters that he'll be a better eater than DS1 as he's not nearly so boob-obsessed and he'll actually take Calpol rather than spitting it in a pink arc across the room. I've resigned myself to at least two more years of severely broken sleep, though

aliciaj · 15/12/2014 07:12

No I don't think its luck. If you lived in a poor part of Africa there wouldn't be anyone picky about food. I think some parents offer to many options. In my house you eat what your given and if you don't you have to wait until next meal as a result the dcs eat whatever is put in front of them and will try anything.

lambsie · 15/12/2014 07:30

Alicia if they had asd they possibly wouldn't. My friend daughter ended up in hospital because she refused to eat.

Ragwort · 15/12/2014 07:49

Hard to say - I had a very strict GF routine and my DS slept from the day we got back from hospital (quick night feed and straight back to sleep), self settled and was always a good feeder/eater.

Was it luck? Was it the 'routine'? I don't really know but I am just grateful .

ElphabaTheGreen · 15/12/2014 09:05

Slept from the day you got him back from hospital, Ragwort? Most definitely luck, or a baby that read She Who Must Not Be Named in utero!

HollyJollyXmas · 15/12/2014 09:13

I honestly believe its temperament.

My two were just totally different from birth. One was a fussy feeder, didnt seem to need as much sleep right from the get go, was a fussy eater from weaning onwards and was generally quite high maintenance.

The other slept through the night from 6 weeks old, put herself into a routine really, loved her grub from the start of weaning and was just generally chilled out and adaptable.

Most people I know with two plus children who are older (so baby stage is viewed in retrospect) say the same, to be honest. You really realise that so much of what you try to 'instill' in babies is bollocks. They are little people with their own temperament and individual needs. Thats not to say its not worth getting them into a gentle routine with sleeping etc. thats just common sense eventually, as we all need to eventually learn to sleep at night and get up in the morning! But the pace at which babies learn to do that cant, imho, be dictated by parents. They just do it when they're ready.

I did have a funny conversation about this with a mum friend of mine recently. She will admit she was quite smug about her two beautifully sleep trained daughters, who had been in routines from birth. Then she got an absolute screamer of a colicky third child. She hasnt slept for nearly a year. The routines dont work with this one....

Storytown · 15/12/2014 09:23

aliciaj , what if they don't eat the next meal either? How many days would you leave it?

What if they eat bits, so the edge is taken off their hunger but they never get a proper diet? e.g. serve DS2 spag bol and salad, he'd eat the pasta and leave the rest, so he wouldn't be "starving" but he wouldn't be well nourished either. Within a few days of eating nothing but carbs he's properly constipated. Your rules might work for your child but they make mine ill.

There's a whole 23 days between well nourished and starved to death and most of them would be considered quite poorly. DS2 can go at least 3 days without food if he's only offered things he doesn't like, do you really think you've got the emotional strength to stick it out any longer?

I would have agreed with you when I only had DS1 who does indeed eat whatever's put in front of him.

TarkaTheOtter · 15/12/2014 09:24

I think the sort of babies it is possible to get into a routine are likely the same babies who are inclined to be naturally well tempered and easy to settle. It's correlation not causation.
I think parents actions can help and hinder but you have to work with the child you have. For example, sleep training helped both of mine to sleep better as babies but they will still start waking in the night again for any small reason because they are both naturally very light sleepers. Otoh I know people whose children have pretty much always slept through after (or even before) sleep training.

Purplepumpkins · 15/12/2014 09:29

No you have to start early with routines and introduce only vegetables and fruits healthy foods for the first couple of years and be consistent with bedtime/nap time routines.

aliciaj · 15/12/2014 09:31

When they are really skinny they know you will cave before them. My sibling does this and it's cause thry knows they gets lots of attention.

I used to do it as a child but not as bad as my sibling who is Freaky Eater standard, and I did it as I knew I could get what I wanted. I know how I used to think so won't let my own play those games.

BertieBotts · 15/12/2014 09:32

Luck gives you their basic temperament. Parenting skill is how you adapt to it. What works for one child might be disastrous for another.

I never ever had a routine for DS, he sleeps brilliantly. There have been a couple of glitches but nothing long lasting.

Storytown · 15/12/2014 09:42

So you would actually let your child get ill aliciaj? Have you ever had to watch them go 3 days without food? If not you have no idea. I don't cave about anything else, they know absolutely no means no and do it means now but I'm not going to make my children ill so I can be smug on the internet.

HollyJollyXmas · 15/12/2014 09:46

Much sympathies to the parents of the fussy eaters, by the way. I had one who was extremely fussy. He lost so much weight over one summer (aged about 2.5 yrs) from refusing anything but yoghurt and sausages (?!) I was seriously, seriously worried. He would starve himself for a whole day if I didnt offer one of the tiny selection of foods he found acceptable.

It does get better, once they are old enough to properly reason with. He turned a corner at 6 yrs old-ish. Now almost 10 and still fussy, but understands nutrition better and is less frightened of trying new things.

Its not always a 'control' thing. Its often rooted in anxiety or sensory issues. And its not 'caving in' to be worried about your small child and be driven to offer them what you know they will eat.

aliciaj · 15/12/2014 09:49

They will eat in the end. 3 days is not very long and I doubt he will get ill. It doesn't matter if they only eat carbs they won't die. It's not to be smug on the internet I am just letting you know why I did it.

Storytown · 15/12/2014 09:56

Have you actually ever watched a child go three days without food?

A week on nothing but carbs leads to severe constipation in DS2, that's ill IMO

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