to think good eaters / sleepers / tempremant is just down to good luck?

[Beatrixemerald]

My baby is not a great sleeper by any means but turns out she is a brilliant eater, loves all food, and breastfed immediately really well, she is also really happy. I totally think all of.this is luck, I have worried where I have gone wrong with bad sleeping but since she is starting to be weaned and doing so well (through nothing I have done) I have decided all of it is just down to luck, AIBU?

I was a mini insomniac as a baby/child.

Brother and sister slept great.

Brother was a mega picky eater. Sister and I weren't.

Brother had a more difficult temperament, that blossomed into vile when he hit his mid 30s. I am Ok-ish. Sister was, and is angelic.

Brother and I have brown hair (as does my DH). My sister is blonde.

I got an blonde, angelic, non sleeper (until he was six years old and the enforced naps at kindergarten ceased) with the occasional bout of fussy eating.

If it is my parenting failure that he was a mini insomniac then I want credit for the angleic temperament. We can all ignore that he is basically a male photocopy of my sister and sit around congratulating me on my parenting instead.

I think what you do as a parent matters. Certainly in terms of loving, nurturing and providing boundries/stability etc. All aimed at giving your kid the best chance to make the most of the great attributes they have, and being in a good position to avoid their less helpful attributes causing them problems.

But the raw material that pops out after nine months and peers at you bleerily.... I dunno, thinking about my son over the years and looking at his 14yo self in the now, I think that's is likely down to a genetic lottery.

Nothing would make that child sleep. Six fecking Y E A R S of waking me up in the wee hours. And now he is all hormonally challenged he has taken to sleep walking, coming into our room, giving me his pillow, sleep-yakking about basketball and then wandering off back to bed. So we are back to waking me up in the wee hours again. On the bright side, I spent years waking up as a kid/teen wondering which fucker had nicked my pillow again and never did get to the bottom of it. I think DS has, somewhat belatedly, provided the solution to that mystery.

YANBU. It's luck.

I was so smug after my first three DC. They were all so easy, slept through from very young, barely cried, self settled etc. it must be something I'd done, right? Then DD came along and she didn't have a single sleep without being held until she was 7 months old, not even in her pram on walks, she just screamed until she was held and even then she screamed a lot of the time. It dawned on me extremely quickly that I'd just been extremely lucky before.

genetics, and a bit of good parenting thrown in. a good sleeper may not be such a good sleeper in a chaotic household.

a good eater may not get to try the variety of veggies and fruit on offer in some households and thus may develop a taste for junk food.

both mine are good enough eaters... one did not like sweets (do no know where she got that from) both love veggies though one has never liked carrots no matter how often she has been presented with them over the years. one would eat all the chocolate in the world if he got chance, one would not. (more self control thanI have)

one slept and followed a four hour routine, one did not. one sleptbetter as a toddler than the other previously good sleeper.

Dc are both brought up the same way.

Ds ( pfb) doesn't sleep at 8 years old, very fussy eater. He is asd so many of the reason for this is down to autism.

Dd slept through from 3 months and loves her food.

I think it's down to luck.

Both my boys are fantastic sleepers and eaters; I made a concerted effort with both tasks from the get go. The boys have totally different personalities, and for DS1, I have to be on top of my game every day to keep his fiery temper on the straight and narrow. He won gold medals for colic as a baby, and nothingI mean nothingwill ever turn him into a laid-back, easygoing kid, charming and lovely though he is.

Only up to a point. Some aspects of temperament are certainly hard-wired. One of my brothers and I are very close in age. As children we were opposites in terms of eating and sleeping. My brother was a night owl from early childhood, whereas I was the rare creature who used to say, "Mummy, I'm tired. Put me to bed." OTOH, I was quite a fussy eater whereas my brother was an adventurous omnivore.

But equally it is up to the parents to figure out how to raise that particular child with that particular temperament. I'm always surprised when people say they raise their children all exactly the same way but achieve different results. Surely children are individuals who need individual approaches.

Yes I think it is luck. Every baby is an individual, no matter how much a parents tries to control the situation. Honestly I think parents that believe it's their parenting that's done the trick are totally naive.

And smug.

Legodino. Really, you have let a child go 3 days without food because "they aren't hungry"?

DS could go longer than that and there have been a couple of spells when he's eaten nothing but bread for a week and become quite poorly. You'd really let that continue?

My HV claimed temperament was down to the temperament of the parents (if you're chilled they are chilled). It seems true for many of my friends but it's hardly true for everyone

As for sleep, DC1 is a sleeper and DC2 isn't too bad but doesn't STTN at 7 months (he's up once or twice sometimes for a feed) but DC1 STTN from 5 months.

Food is an interesting one for us, DC1 was traditionally weaned and is a really good water and will try most things (esp if we are eating it) and with DC2 we are blw and so far he eaten everything given to him, too soon to know anything else but he's willing to try anything.

Babies are just little people with personalities and preferences so no I don't think it's luck

Story time - We are all generally very well nourished and provided for in the west. Children rarely starve themselves. We have quite a twisted idea these days of what normal weight children look like and of course food is a very emotive subject.

Children's appetites naturally dip and increase. If my children aren't hungry one day, they probably will be the next. If they go longer its due to a sickness bug. All the food I cook is just standard nice home made stuff. I only buy food for two days at a time due to transport/finances.

LOL, but you've never seen a child go without for three days or dealt with the pain they're in after a week of nothing but bread?

Your children may well eat the following day if they don't today, my DS1 wouldn't go more than a few hours without food and will eat anything. DS2 will make himself ill rather than eat what he doesn't like.

No, I don't think DS2 would starve himself to death - it takes 23 days to do that. I know because I have checked.

Yes it is luck. I have a baby that was a terrible eater and sleeper since the very day she was born. There's nothing I could've done.

I think it's down to mainly luck.

DS is an amazing sleeper, has slept for 13 hours a night, plus daytime naps since 5 months. He spet 6 hours at night from 6 weeks, BF too.

Friends ask what we did but I never have any advice, it's just luck.

Having had two polar opposite babies I think it's complete luck. As a parent you can respond in better or worse ways to what you get given but what you get given is down to luck.

A ha ha ha to the poster who came to say that the 2am waker was the parents fault.

I used to have similarly smug thoughts. After all I was a live in nanny and dealt sleeping issues and my first ds was a dream.

Then I had my second.

Have you ever been so tired that you are hallucinating? Have you ever had a baby that screamed as soon as they were laid down? That the minute they didn't feel you went apeshit? Plus other various issues.

That parent may well decide to let their baby sleep from 6am until 9am because that might be the only bit of respite you get that day. I'm not sure I'd class that as their fault but doing the best they can at the time.

Unless you have experienced the bone crunching exhaustion day after day after day, I don't think you'll necessarily understand. If you have any empathy that people's experiences might be different to yours then you'll get it but apparently some people are yet to develop this.

It's pertinent to add that I know adults that only need 4-6 hours a night. Mothers with teens whose early risers still get up by 7 or wake up in the night. Why is that? Surely everyone should be the same and need the same amount of sleep if they should as babies.

Mostly nature. My DD would go to sleep easily but would wake up regularly. We had decent routines from about 3 months onwards but she clearly didn't feel like sticking to them! She would also get easily frustrated during the day (tho always a good eater) but she was a quick developer. This carried on till she started walking at 9.5 months and suddenly she started sleeping through more regularly. Sleep is still the first thing to go if she is ill/upset/teething but thank God we're past those first 9 months.
'Thanks' to my own experience I will never ever ever put my judgey pants on and question others people's routines!

My son was brilliant, slept right through from 3 weeks, lovely temperament and good eater. I think it was luck.

I agree it's a bit of both. Saying it's all luck basically renders the parents blameless and helpless- which isn't the case. In extremes I've seen children with slightly chaotic parents who have no bedtimes, routines, eat shit all day and aren't given boundaries and they're badly behave d. That's a direct consequence.

Or, I'm 6m pregnant. I tried very hard for a year to get myself in the best possible shape- health, diet, work, acupuncture, vitamins, exercise. I've been very "lucky" in my pregnancy- few symptoms etc. That's partly luck. But maybe also partly a direct result of all my hard work.

No, I think it's pure luck and totally random. I was a big fan of e routines until I actually had a live baby and then just went with the flow.

DD was an absolute angel baby and slept through for 12 hours from 8 weeks and still sleeps the same hours at 4. She is the worlds worst eater, I swear a morsel of food never passed her lips until 9 months and she would live on pasta and pesto if I let her. Her tantrums are legendary among my friends.

DSL took until 12 weeks to sleep through for 12 hours was always a bit more tricky and stuffed everything in his face he could get at from 6 months and I the most chilled out little person.

Nothing to do with me at all. They just are what they are (and I was super lucky with the sleeping).

Bitchfest comment I ever had from another mother when our PFBs were around one "oh, I think it's ollie's intelligence that wakes him up all night, he is just so keen to stay awake and learn. I guess mini lamb just isn't that clever". I put it down to her lack of sleep.

Oh so many typos, sorry I have flu and an annoying laptop. DSL is obv DS. Unnecessary e in routines and bitchfest should be bitchiest .

I agree with everyone saying it's a bit of both. I've always been a bf on demand and any routines led by the baby sort of person - DD1 was an Olympic gold medallist sleeper, going 8 till 8 with a dream feed at 10pm from 10 weeks. DD2 was still a very good sleeper, wanted feeding at 11 and 2.30 like clockwork until nearly a year old but genuinely hungry - would take both sides in 15 minutes flat and then go straight back down. Same routine, different outcomes.

Behaviour is a different matter, you have a lot of influence as a parent and setting boundaries, staying calm and consistent all make an enormous difference. That doesn't really kick in until they're proper toddlers and able to handle verbal instruction, though.

My two are now very different characters - DD1 is hard working, perfectionist, geeky, very driven to succeed. DD2 is confident, too cocky, needs to be told to buckle down and work but does want to do well. They were raised pretty much the same.

I think the nature vs nurture debate is one that will never have a winner.

I don't even have a laptop it's an iPad. Aargh off to sleep for me.

I have no idea. I just knew I couldn't be arsed with trying to impose a routine (I'd never had one) so basically dd goes to bed when she is tired and generally sleeps through. As for food, we are still at the weaning stage but I don't stress if she doesn't want to eat. We sort of aim for regular meal times but they don't happen every day. She will eat mostly the same as us.

Is it luck? Maybe. I think the fact her dad is so a laid back means she has inherited his attitude.

Four of my newborns slept right through and even as young as two weeks I would often have to wake them up for a feed.

My 5th was born and my god, what a shock to the system. I believe now she had silent reflux but it never got diagnosed properly. She never, ever slept. 10 minutes at a time if I was lucky and then she would wake if I moved a muscle and then screamed for another 30 minutes at least.

I couldn't even walk her in a pram without her screaming, I had to hold her all the time or she would just scream and be sick. Of course at times I had to but nothing made her settle. I was a very experience mum, nothing I could do would change it.

She is 5 now and still wakes up once during the night.

I also have one very very fussy eater. I have done nothing different with him than the others.