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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think good eaters / sleepers / tempremant is just down to good luck?

125 replies

Beatrixemerald · 13/12/2014 20:53

My baby is not a great sleeper by any means but turns out she is a brilliant eater, loves all food, and breastfed immediately really well, she is also really happy. I totally think all of.this is luck, I have worried where I have gone wrong with bad sleeping but since she is starting to be weaned and doing so well (through nothing I have done) I have decided all of it is just down to luck, AIBU?

OP posts:

fivepounds · 13/12/2014 22:03

I'm sorry, but a baby who 'wants to smile and mess about from 2am until daylight' has slept far too much during the day and needs a routine pronto.

fatterface · 13/12/2014 22:04

Legodino - I have two children, one BLW and one puree weaned, both with healthy, home cooked ingredients, who ate everything at first but became fussy before they were 12 months! DS1 is 7 and still very fussy and skinny. Plus a middle child who will eat anything and everything in vast quantities My oldest is even fussy at MacDonalds and will only eat the fruit bag and drink milk.

Legodino · 13/12/2014 22:05

From my 4, 3 are human food dustbins and the 4th is picky by my standards but still he eats a wider range then most.

OftheTwilighttheDarkness · 13/12/2014 22:05

I think it is luck dc1 had reflux and cluster fed. She was 6 months old before she slept more than 4 hours at a stretch. I had to feed to sleep and try to sneak out. Dc2 I would always get at least 5 hours, he would wake for a quick feed and go back to sleep. Even if he slept late in the afternoon he would still go to bed by 7.30.

Stillwishihadabs · 13/12/2014 22:06

I think it's a mixture. I think it is now thought that personality is 50% genetic. I would say that's about right. So a child who has a propensity to be wakeful can either be taught to have a reasonable sleep pattern by diligent and consistent parents but will probably never sleep the fabled 12 hours but might do 9. On the other hand child without that propensity would sleep 12 or 13 hours with the consistent parents and 10 or 11 in a more chaotic environment.

Legodino · 13/12/2014 22:12

I guess because of our tight budget I don't have alternative meals to offer. They choose to eat or not eat. There are only a small number of things they genuinely don't like, plus a few foods that just don't excite them

Storytown · 13/12/2014 22:12

It's a mixture. There are definitely things parents do that can make things worse!

DS1 didn't go through the night until about 6 months but has been a brilliant sleeper with no fuss at bedtimes ever since (he's 13 now and still goes to bed as soon as he's told) When he was 12 weeks a lot of my friends were very smug about how their angelic babies were going through the night....

He was a brilliant eater right from the start, being 13 now, was weaned at 4 months on purees and I didn't understand friends who said their Dc didn't like different things. I thought you just held up the spoon, they opened their mouth and you poured it in! Then I got DS2. I really don't think I pander to him. He's given the same as everyone else and no alternatives but he eats the bits he likes and would rather go hungry than eat something he doesn't like. He can/will go hungry for days and that's not easy to let go from a parent's POV, so I do give in when he's eaten practically nothing for a couple of days. Show me a parent who wouldn't.

Noggie · 13/12/2014 22:15

How settled your baby is can be just luck to a certain extent- and sleeping is a lottery. I had same routine with two dd with dissimilar results! They both now sleep well. People with great sleepers often put it gown to their superior parenting .

fatterface · 13/12/2014 22:21

Not offering alternatives doesn't make a fussy child less fussy, it just makes them skinny (ime)!

furcoatbigknickers · 13/12/2014 22:23

Yanbu at all.

furcoatbigknickers · 13/12/2014 22:26

Mwaaaah jars make them fussy! Dd2 never had a jar in her life and at 10 is turning into a right fuss pot!

DrSeuss · 13/12/2014 22:26

Child one slept anywhere from day one, has always been fussy about food. Is now 8. Still a bugger to feed.
Child two would only sleep on my chest for weeks, still prefers our bed given half a chance. Up at least once a night. Refused purée, will eat anything.
I have no idea why!

Smartiepants79 · 13/12/2014 22:31

I would say a bit of both but sadly there is no way of ever knowing for sure.
We have made various. Choices for how we parent our girls.
I love routines, they work for me and have worked for both of my children. They both continue to be good sleepers. This I have put down to the way we settled them as babies and the sleep associations we gave them. But I can't know that for a fact.
They both eat well and I believe that at least some of that is down to the way we approached feeding them. But again I'll never know that for sure as you don't get to do it over again and see if you get a different outcome.
I do believe that bad choices (ie neglect/serious overindulgence) can change a child's temperament. Life is a mixture of nature and nurture.

needtomanup · 13/12/2014 22:34

It's a combination in my opinion. Setting a good example and cooking home cooked meals with variety in a diet helps however if a child has sensory issues, stomach problems then it's just down to luck.
There is plenty you can do to help a child establish good sleep patterns but again some children are naturally deep, heavy sleepers others not so much.
Parent's can help and guide their children. It's far to easy just to say it's all down to luck. Step up to the plate, there is usually plenty you can do to help your child eat, sleep and control their temper better.

notadoctor · 13/12/2014 22:34

I was always been a terrible sleeper - wakeful baby, up all night child, insomniac into adulthood. My older brother has always been able to sleep anywhere, anytime. His daughter (3yo) is a brilliant sleeper, mine- who is the same age - is a nightmare sleeper. My DS is only 9mo so it's too early to really say but so far sleeps far better than DD ever did at his age (hopefully he takes after his uncle!) I think luck and genetic play a massive part. I think the parenting part is about making the best of what is already there - supporting a bad sleeper to become a better one etc.

Legodino · 13/12/2014 22:38

Story town - I have to say we have never given in if my DC don't eat. It's never been a stand off though and I've just accepted that they aren't hungry. We don't have alternatives in the house because I tend to shop only for the main meals I've planned.

FreudiansSlipper · 13/12/2014 22:40

I agree it is mostly down to luck

ds was an easy baby, slept well, would sleep anywhere, happy to be in different situation, was not clingy (never has been) so in turn I was calm

he eats well and will eat most things, he does have the odd tantrum and can be stubborn but most the time an easy child

of course there was a time I was terribly smug and put it down to my laid back calm nature baby led routine but soon realised I was just lucky

andadietcoke · 13/12/2014 22:41

I'm coming to strongly believe in nature over nurture. I have fraternal twins; both were weaned at the same time and given the same foods at the same time. Both have always napped for the same time during the day, largely because they'd wake each other up.

Now though, I have one great sleeper, who's slept through for ages. Her sister still wakes throughout the night. One girl eats everything, and loves anything strong tasting, one is a potatoes, pasta, bread fan. They crawled at different times and walked at different times, but both had the same amount of tummy time as babies.

parallax80 · 13/12/2014 22:48

I'm sorry, but a baby who 'wants to smile and mess about from 2am until daylight' has slept far too much during the day and needs a routine pronto.

While I wouldn't want this at all, this doesn't mean the child is a 'bad' sleeper per se or that they lack routine, just that the routine they happen to have fallen into isn't one compatible with what you want them to do. One of mine is currently in a routine where she sleeps 23-11 (with 10 min feeds 4-5hrly). This doesn't suit me at all as I'm a natural lark and I have another one sleeping 630-630. But she's actually a pretty good sleeper and I'm sure there are plenty of people who wouldn't see her timings as a problem.

Bunnyjo · 13/12/2014 22:57

I have 2 DC - both took to breastfeeding so well and I breastfed them until they were over 2. Both were weaned onto normal foods - we bypassed the puree/baby food stage and they have really good appetites for varied foods. DS (3yo) sleeps very well, but DD (7yo) is up with the birds every bloody morning. DD is the most loving, caring and sweet natured young girl and very mature, but DS is a live wire and, whilst he is often extremely loving, he can also be a bad tempered little monkey.

Honestly, much of this good sleeping/eating/temperament malarkey is down to the individual child. Both DC have been brought up the same - one is a better sleeper, the other is more gentle and considerate.

Mulligrubs · 13/12/2014 23:06

I think it's 90% luck. My DS was a crap sleeper, we had a bedtime routine going from early on, he would self settle from birth but he would wake frequently during the night. I kept my bedtime routine up and one night at about 11 months old he started sleeping through. I'd done nothing different to what I'd been doing before. He's 13 months now and sleeps through brilliantly now.

He's a great eater and always has been up til now (I know that can still change) he was weaned on a mix of puree and finger foods. There's nothing he won't eat. I didn't do anything to make him like that, I just put the food in front of him!

So I think it's important to put routines etc. into place, but ultimately it's down to luck really. There's no point being smug about a baby who sleeps through early in the same way there's no point in blaming yourself if your child is a fussy eater.

NeedaDiscoNap · 13/12/2014 23:16

I'm beginning to think that you can impose all the things you want but that you can't go against your child's nature.

I have a 6 1/2 month old DD who is great at daytime napping, has taken to BLW brilliantly and is a happy, sunny little thing. Her nighttime sleep is a bit erratic though - goes to sleep like a dream and does not move for 6 hrs, but then the wakings begin.

She has been in a feeding and sleeping routine since 8 weeks, is not fed to sleep, has good sleep associations etc. I don't feel I could do any more to help her sleep through - I think I just have to wait it out until she is ready. It does kill me that friends' babies have slept through from around 12 weeks though!

KnittingChristmasJumpers · 13/12/2014 23:57

YANBU OP - my DM always said that she thought she was the perfect mother when she had me because I slept to routines, ate well, rarely cried... Then she had my DSis and realised everything was luck and none of her parenting magic worked on this child!

WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 14/12/2014 00:01

Its a mix of nature and nurture. Some issues will occur naturally and some will have been created by environment/routine/upset etc.

Arseface · 14/12/2014 00:13

The problem is 'routine' means different things to everyone. Is it simply trying to do the same sorts of things at the same times every day until baby recognises a pattern or is it ignoring baby's desire to eat/ sleep/play and letting them cry until you deem it time to do those things?
My four have all been very different in their sleeping and feeding preferences but have all had different tricky and easy phases. I'm absolutely certain it's down to nature.
My non-id twins had as close as possible to the same parenting but differences in feeding, sleeping and temperament were obvious from day one!

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