To think you shouldn't leave 4 year olds at parties alone?

[RaisingMen]

Just that really. I understand it's fine to drop off older children and pick them up when the party has finished, but 4 year olds?

I have taken my son to two parties today. The first one this morning was at a local soft play centre and a mum I have never spoken to before made small talk with me before announcing she was off to finish her Christmas shopping and would pick her son up when the party finished two hours later. Fine I thought, she must have arranged this with the host parents. Nope, they knew nothing about it either and it was left to me to watch him, take him to the loo, get his party food for him etc.

I thought this was a one off until this afternoons party, this time in a room attached to a pub. Not secure, could walk in and out freely, next to a main road, you get the picture.

There were about 40 children at this one and it was very fucking a bit crazy. My son kept coming over to me for a drink with his friend in tow, who was also saying how thirsty he was too. I assumed his parents were there and I kept telling him to go and ask his mummy or daddy to get him a drink. (The free juice wasn't out yet so you had to buy drinks from the bar). This went on for a good hour, the poor lad was sweating and clearly hadn't had a drink so I asked him where his mummy and daddy were - surprise surprise they were at home, so off I went to buy him a drink. Once again ended up looking after an extra child, had to take him to the loo, get his party food etc.

Is this the norm? Am I being unreasonable to think that if your child is not old enough to go themselves a drink/go for a wee then you shouldn't leave them alone at a party for two hours? All you're really doing is passing the childcare on to someone else and not having the decency to let them know you're doing so. So AIBU? Do you stay with your children at birthday parties?

I think school is the magic cut off round here.

saying that two parents left at DD1s 4th birthday party in the summer. They both asked though. Both children had older siblings of around 8 or 9 and so I think the parents were more relaxed about the while scenario.

I am always very specific on invites if I expect parents to stay. I did DDs 4th birthday in a hall with a bouncy castle, and on the invitation i said parents, please stay and enjoy some food and a cup or tea or glass of wine with us, and I invited all siblings.

When I have done soft play parties I make sure there are enough adults prepared to stay, my mum always comes and helps out and I will speak to one or two of the parents I know better and ask if they would be OK to stay.

It is usually about half and half here who stays and who doesn't unless specifically requested. I took DS1 to a bowling party when he was 7, fully intending to drop him off and go, when I got there it was crazy busy, there were about 35 kids at the party in a busy bowling alley, I thought I would wait until they were settled into their game, but I didn't feel confident leaving as it was a big place, the host family were sitting and chatting in the cafe/bar bit and not really watching the kids. My friend and I ended up staying for the whole party, it was all a bit hateful but I bought wine and chips which made it better.

I think it is a judgement call for each individual parent but once my kids are at school if they are invited to a party and the invited doesn't ask me to stay, then I think it is fine to drop them off and come back later - and if my other kids aren't invited and DH is working then I dont really have an lot of choice but to leave them...

Like another poster, at DS party last year a lot of parents brought siblings and were prepared to pay for them separately (soft play again!), but we added them to the party list and paid for them also.

Round here we all used to stay and probably still would unless it was at someone's home.

We'd grab a coffee and have a natter, they used to turn into a nice social for the parents too. Often the distance involved (we're fairly rural) meant it was barely worth going home for a 2 hr party.

Sounds like there are some massive regional variations of protocol for this

Telephone numbers should always be exchanged, whatever the age of the party goer. Even ten year olds can need their parents contacting in an emergency.

Once my dc started school it was completely normal for parents not to stay at parties, so yes, I would have left a four year old at a party. The only parents who ever stayed were the parents of children who had additional needs. In fact, most people hated it if parents wanted to stay as well, as then they end up entertaining adults as well as children, and feeling obliged to give them coffee etc.

On the other hand, my dc have never been to a party where it was a whole class of kids invited, they have always been 8 or 10 children who are good friends with the birthday child.

When we've had parties at home I've always made it clear that parents are welcome to stay or leave - most leave, a couple in the past (age 4/5/6 dc) have stayed - probably because they were kids that ds wanted to invite but the patents didn't really know dh and me which is fair enough.

I wouldn't expect any parent of a 7 + dc to have to hang around any supervise them at my house tbh.

My oldest is 6 and I've not yet been to any party outside of a home where anyone has dropped off, unless they've agreed specifically with another parent.

Ostentatious kids are almost always much better behaved for other parents - I've never had a problem keeping other people's kids under control even though I have a terrible thick accent in the language of my kid's friends :) The mum of ITtwin boys Iinvited to DS' 7th birthday thought they were such a handful they would need to come along, but in the end the dad dropped them off and they were no trouble at all.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way. Massively depends on the individual child, the venue, the number of children at the party etc. You have to apply judgment to the situation. Would I leave 4 yr old DS at a party at someone's house with, say, 10 kids, and where the hosts were happy for drop and go? Absolutely. Would I leave him at a party with 40 kids at the huge public soft play where the toilets are outside the soft play centre in the mall? No way. There is a high chance the host parents don't even know what he looks like, and one set of parents cannot supervise 30 kids in a soft play complex.

You can't generalise.

I've done drop and run since dd was four, unless it was at a huge soft play place and then I wouldn't expect the host parent to keep an eye on twenty small children.
Dd is confident, can take herself to the toilet and ask for a drink. I always ask if its OK first and make sure I leave a contact number.
Round here six seems to be the age for leaving your child.

when they were 4 some parents did drop off and others stayed. I made sure I had people to help with parties I.e. mum or dh. it was acceptable to drop off, they went to nursery for 2.5 hours every day.

not 3 though.

That has been my observation too, MrTumbles.

I think parents underestimate their children's capacity to take care of themselves and behave, which is odd because for the most part they are away in school doing exactly that most days.

Dropped and run when DSes were in reception so 4. Unless a bit clingy (youngest DS) and then would stay.

We had DD1's 4th birthday party last week and I was really shocked when, after a few minutes, two parents told me they were 'going now'! They were parents of children from DD's pre-school that she only started in September. I don't know these people from Adam and they certainly don't know me but felt safe enough leaving their 3/4 yr old alone with me?! Bonkers.