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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't leave 4 year olds at parties alone?

114 replies

RaisingMen · 13/12/2014 20:50

Just that really. I understand it's fine to drop off older children and pick them up when the party has finished, but 4 year olds?

I have taken my son to two parties today. The first one this morning was at a local soft play centre and a mum I have never spoken to before made small talk with me before announcing she was off to finish her Christmas shopping and would pick her son up when the party finished two hours later. Fine I thought, she must have arranged this with the host parents. Nope, they knew nothing about it either and it was left to me to watch him, take him to the loo, get his party food for him etc.

I thought this was a one off until this afternoons party, this time in a room attached to a pub. Not secure, could walk in and out freely, next to a main road, you get the picture.

There were about 40 children at this one and it was very fucking a bit crazy. My son kept coming over to me for a drink with his friend in tow, who was also saying how thirsty he was too. I assumed his parents were there and I kept telling him to go and ask his mummy or daddy to get him a drink. (The free juice wasn't out yet so you had to buy drinks from the bar). This went on for a good hour, the poor lad was sweating and clearly hadn't had a drink so I asked him where his mummy and daddy were - surprise surprise they were at home, so off I went to buy him a drink. Once again ended up looking after an extra child, had to take him to the loo, get his party food etc.

Is this the norm? Am I being unreasonable to think that if your child is not old enough to go themselves a drink/go for a wee then you shouldn't leave them alone at a party for two hours? All you're really doing is passing the childcare on to someone else and not having the decency to let them know you're doing so. So AIBU? Do you stay with your children at birthday parties?

OP posts:
GazpachoSoup · 14/12/2014 00:05

At the age of 4, no, it's definitely not the norm to drop and leave
I have two recently small ones. A 7 and a 11 year old.
I wouldn't have left alone at a party until about 6 years old.

madamginger · 14/12/2014 00:07

My dd and ds1 birthdays are 11 days apart. Last year I held a joint whole class party for them both and had 50 children there Shock
Anyway dd was 7 and only 1-2 parents stayed and ds1 was 5 and maybe half the parents stayed. It was manic but fun.
The thing is they have October birthdays and some of the kids had only been in school 2 weeks, I'd never really met some of them. I was really surprised that they left.

Aherdofmims · 14/12/2014 00:11

6 seems to be the magic age around here, with some parents dropping from 5 and a few still staying at 6 if friends with the host or child is shy.

SoonToBeSix · 14/12/2014 00:14

I think it's fine to leave them the host parents are negligent for not arranging enough helpers. As for leaving a guest thirsty that's really awful.

PrimalLass · 14/12/2014 00:15

Completely normal to leave them here. My DS never let me, but DD was happy to see the back of me from 3 onwards. If parents invite lots of children somewhere they should be prepared to supervise them all.

LifeHuh · 14/12/2014 00:20

I wouldn't have left mine at 4, but they were clingy types!
Lots of parents do, in my experience, and in the case of the pub party I think the hosts were BU - if you are having a party for 40 4 year olds you need to arrange adult help assuming not all parents will stay, or make it very clear on the invite that parents must stay.(Who gives a party for small children and doesn't provide drink?)

Whocansay · 14/12/2014 00:26

I had a party today for my just-4 year old, at our house. 12 kids including my 2. 3 parents left and it was fine. The kids left were really happy and well behaved.

If all parents left, I'm not sure how I'd feel though. This may not be helpful!

bananaramadramallama · 14/12/2014 00:28

Completely normal when mine were 4 (they are 9 & 12 now).

Iirc, it was the 4th b'day parties that most of the kids started all being left.

Other parents staying actually got on my nerves as they had tendency to hover and get involved in stuff and stand around gossiping.

I started doing sleepovers from their 5th b'days specifically to stop the parent lingerers!

TraceyTrickster · 14/12/2014 00:34

My daughter aged 5 was at a party at a soft play centre and she met a friend from school (not party attendee) her older brother (6) and younger brother (3)....apparently dad had gone for a massage and would be back for them in 1.5 hrs.
I was really floored at that one! (Bet mum didn't know either)

Smugnogplease · 14/12/2014 00:42

I left my Dd today at a party! She's 4 1/2 and was totally fine being left but is very secure and confident, not a sensitive little flower at all, so she bolted off and didn't look back!
She spends 6 hours at school, so I'm sure 2 hr party is fine! I noticed most parents who didn't have older kids stayed, maybe I would have done with my PFB but dd is number 3 so she is used to getting on with things.

SoonToBeSix · 14/12/2014 00:46

Tracey I am sure they meant message not massage!

goingmadinthecountry · 14/12/2014 01:44

I was prepared to say you were ridiculously unreasonable when I read the thread, but I agree with pub/soft play (well maybe ) parties. At a house where I knew the parents I left from 3ish.

marcopront · 14/12/2014 05:36

Disclaimer : Not in the UK.

DD is now 8 I will leave her at parties and in fact someone else took her to the two this weekend because i am ill but at most parties someone will stay with the majority of children. This is often the maid/bodyguard/driver but depending on the social status of the parents it might be the Mum or even the Dad. I remember one swimming party when she was 6, where the maids all stood at the edge of the pool looking worried, none of them could swim, so couldn't do anything, the Mums all stood around looking glamorous in their bling and the bodyguards stood around trying to look menacing.

RojaGato · 14/12/2014 05:49

Thinks it's different if the party is in a private house, especially if you know host parent's well and it's quite small, rather than say a pub/function room. Partly due to third party access, partly due to things like buying drinks. But even so, think 4 is a bit young, unless it's for 6 kids and there are at least a couple of adults there. I would hate to have to look after 20 kids on my own.

ocelot41 · 14/12/2014 05:57

Oh crikey. This is an eye opener. I must be careful to invite fewer children next time! We have no family nearby and the soft play places near us are very large and busy. They have one member of staff on the door and others to deliver the cake etc. But there is no way I could look after 10-15 kids alone and set up party games, and do all the drinks/ loo runs/ adjudicate in scraps. Who are these mythical adult helpers you speak of? I have no family nearby.

At a pool party last year, I was asked to mind a couple of (unrelated) DC aged three who couldn't swim. I am afraid I said no as three plus my own would have been too many to mind safely. Although I have always said that siblings are welcome!

mummytime · 14/12/2014 06:07

Its always been the norm for most parents to go, unless asked otherwise. If I expected parents to stay I would say so n the invite- this is normal for swimming parties where you need a high ratio of adults. Otherwise you ask around and get some parents to volunteer to help.
At 4 I would expect children to use the toilet by themselves, unless they had know issues (which I would expect a parent to tell me). I personally don't do whole class parties.

Oh I have no family available either, but have always found either teenagers (paid) or other parents to help if necessary. But once they are at school they are used to 1:30 ratios, any party is much better than that. We never did many party games at soft play parties, 1 hour or so play and then tea, cake and parents collect.

mathanxiety · 14/12/2014 06:14

I have never once done anything but drop and run when it comes to 4 yos and parties, and nobody that I know in my neck of the woods has either. In fact, if parents thought they would be staying at at party with their child or that other children in the family were included in the invitation they would be greeted with slack-jawed astonishment.

People who invite children to parties here normally have a teenager or two roped in for wrangling purposes.

The exception would be a party at a pool where more wranglers would be needed I suppose, but this hasn't come up.

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 14/12/2014 06:17

I think I might have left DS1 at 4 if it was a soft play place; except no, I still wouldn't have because he was and is always the one child who gets hit/sat on/falls off something and starts to cry. Otherwise though, no. I've started leaving him this year (he's 6) so long as it's someone I know hosting the party and it's not too far away.

DS2 - I'm not sure. He's still 2 so it's not an issue yet, but unless things change markedly I can't see me leaving him for a while yet because of passing out issues, biting issues (although fair enough it's usually only his brother) and generally being a hoodlum. I wouldn't wish the care of him on anyone else until he improves.

At DS1's first proper party (his 5th birthday) we had a swimming party and I refused to allow anyone to "drop and run" - they either stayed or their child didn't go in the swimming pool. Same last year for his 6th birthday. People understood and there was a good ratio of adults to children - just as well as we ended up with 28 children in the pool! Shock
This year though, he's both older and it was a normal garden party, so although some parents stayed, most dropped off and left. I catered for some parents staying anyway, so it wasn't a problem.

Kitsmummy · 14/12/2014 07:10

When we lived in Bristol it was the done thing to stay with them at nursery age and once they started school it was always drop them off and go (all parents).

Now we live in rural somerset the parents still seem to stay at the kids parties even though they're in Year 1 Confused.

Kitsmummy · 14/12/2014 07:12

So in a nutshell I think it is fine to drop and run aged 4 and I think the onus should be on the hosts to ensure they have roped in enough help to manage all the kids

Purplepoodle · 14/12/2014 07:19

My eldest ds is in second year of school, it's only now parents are leaving their kids at parties in ds class and they always tell the parents. Before this sept all the parents stayed or arranged for 1 parent to keep an eye on 2/3 kids taking turns at parties. Reception age is too young unless u know the host really well

TheRainInTheWoods · 14/12/2014 07:20

The norm is to leave around here. Parents don't do massive parties so they don't invite more than they can handle.

That said it depends in the child too. I'd have left ds1 but defo not 2.

If I've done something I've expected/wanted parents to stay at ive provided space for siblings too.

Purplepoodle · 14/12/2014 07:26

Do you think it depends where the party is. I'd be much happier dropping at a home from a younger age than a public area party - where anyone could take them or they could wander off. In a soft play it's hard to keep track of 30 children that arnt your own. If parents didn't stay I'd worry about safeguarding issues esp if they have just started school.and don't know the children by sight.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 14/12/2014 07:37

I wouldn't have left my 4yo. What if he gets a bit too excited and is a bit naughty, am I to expect other parents to discipline, take control of the situation on my behalf? Hmm. Nope.

Mehitabel6 · 14/12/2014 07:44

If he gets too excited or a bit naughty it is much easier to deal with if the parent is not there!
It seems much more sensible to have smaller parties, it is what I did with adequate help roped in. It is very difficult for many to stay if they have other children and absolutely no way do I want uninvited siblings.