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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you shouldn't leave 4 year olds at parties alone?

114 replies

RaisingMen · 13/12/2014 20:50

Just that really. I understand it's fine to drop off older children and pick them up when the party has finished, but 4 year olds?

I have taken my son to two parties today. The first one this morning was at a local soft play centre and a mum I have never spoken to before made small talk with me before announcing she was off to finish her Christmas shopping and would pick her son up when the party finished two hours later. Fine I thought, she must have arranged this with the host parents. Nope, they knew nothing about it either and it was left to me to watch him, take him to the loo, get his party food for him etc.

I thought this was a one off until this afternoons party, this time in a room attached to a pub. Not secure, could walk in and out freely, next to a main road, you get the picture.

There were about 40 children at this one and it was very fucking a bit crazy. My son kept coming over to me for a drink with his friend in tow, who was also saying how thirsty he was too. I assumed his parents were there and I kept telling him to go and ask his mummy or daddy to get him a drink. (The free juice wasn't out yet so you had to buy drinks from the bar). This went on for a good hour, the poor lad was sweating and clearly hadn't had a drink so I asked him where his mummy and daddy were - surprise surprise they were at home, so off I went to buy him a drink. Once again ended up looking after an extra child, had to take him to the loo, get his party food etc.

Is this the norm? Am I being unreasonable to think that if your child is not old enough to go themselves a drink/go for a wee then you shouldn't leave them alone at a party for two hours? All you're really doing is passing the childcare on to someone else and not having the decency to let them know you're doing so. So AIBU? Do you stay with your children at birthday parties?

OP posts:

WeThreeKeemasofOrientNaan · 13/12/2014 21:03

I drop my 4yo off as so most of the other school parents. Only stay if it's a long way from home.

WhaddayWant · 13/12/2014 21:03

It depends on the party hosts surely. Theres nothing wrong with 4 year olds. Being left at parties if there is enough supervision but it's the host who should be arranging it.

DuelingFanjo · 13/12/2014 21:04

Most parties I have been to at soft play have had upwards of 15 kids, maybe as many as 20, the whole point being that it's fairly cost effective. Also parents may be coming from a few miles away so different to a small village hall or a party at home.

ShipwreckedAndMerrilyComatose · 13/12/2014 21:05

I remember staying until my DC felt comfortable at a party on their own. This took longer with DS than DD because she was always more confident.

MrsCurrent · 13/12/2014 21:05

DS is 6 1/2, left him for the first time last month but ok'd it with party boy's mum and another friend who were happy to watch him (and that's because something urgent had come up). Left him again with a good friend last week, think he's getting to the right age in the right environment now.

arlagirl · 13/12/2014 21:05

That's why you have small parties of no more than six children.

Shakey1500 · 13/12/2014 21:05

I've never left DS either. I'm not bothered what other folk do but it's not something I'm comfortable with. And I always feel a bit sorry for the kids if they have a mishap as they look so lost

Original poster

RaisingMen · 13/12/2014 21:06

I have no idea why it defaulted to me. None of the other parents had been asked to keep an eye on them from what I could see, and as they were playing with my son they came over to me with him when he wanted a drink. I couldn't just ignore them when I realised they were on their own and thirsty/needed the loo.

I think it's completely different if the party is in someone's home, you generally don't invite as many children and it's more manageable. I wouldn't expect to stay if my son was asked to a party at his friends house, but in a room in a pub with loads of children and adults that were drinking (that's a whole other thread)? I wouldn't be comfortable doing that.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 13/12/2014 21:06

Well, having just hosted DD's 4th birthday party today in a soft play place... Not one parent even hinted at leaving. Not one.

One parent asked me if it was ok to stay. We then talked about how we didn't start leaving our older dcs until they had started school and if we knew the parent hosting.

The only exception would be a very small party (more like a group play date) at someone's home. Possibly.

So no, YANBU.

Summerisle1 · 13/12/2014 21:06

I think it depends on whether it's 3-4 or 4-5. At the latter they're at school so would leave. But guess it's the former and it's a 4th birthday so lots will be 3 in which case no

Agree. There's a big difference between 3-4 and 4-5. DGD is a 3-4 (won't start reception class primary school until next September) and the same goes for her friends.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/12/2014 21:07

I have never been to that sort of party, but 4th birthday is always the first drop off one where I live. I wouldn't have wanted parents to stay at dd and ds1's 4th (or subsequent) parties - I can't act the fool and host a party in front of parents. However parties here are in the host's home and usually a guest per year of age - so 4 x 4 year old guests in your own home for a 4th. Do that and you don't get the insanity of 2 parties to attend in one day, like you do if every child invites 40 guests, some of whom they presumably never play with.

DS2 was invited to a pony riding 4th birthday a couple of weeks ago - totally ott, and I stayed because of the physical danger, as did the other parents, but the kids were happiest when gathered around a table playing an old game of mousetrap, the fancy expensive "event" party was such a waste at 4!

Bowchickawowow · 13/12/2014 21:09

I didn't leave DS1 at a party until he was nearly 7 - he always wanted me to stay. DS2 is 5 and I have left him at parties since he was 4 - but only certain ones. I normally stay at soft play parties because I take DS1.

Helicoptopus · 13/12/2014 21:10

I've been stunned by this today - we held a class party and several parents buggered off. All asked is it ok, I said well yes to the first because I was a but stunned. The second had brought her own and another classmate and asked if it was ok to leave them and I said not really - she said oh well I have to be somewhere and left!

They are in reception so only a few are 5, most are 4. Agree with pp who say they are basically leaving other parents to babysit. I absolutely don't agree the hosts should be prepared to look after them - I had arranged crafts, games, food, I was running between each making sure everything was ok, why the hell should I also be watching out for who is jumping on who?? Ok the party is for the birthday boy or girl but we decided to invite the whole class to be inclusive, to have fun, to say happy Christmas to everyone - it turned out far more stressful because parents didn't do their bit for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning, which wasn't much to ask I don't think.

Original poster

RaisingMen · 13/12/2014 21:12

They are in the 4-5 range, although I don't think the little boy at this afternoons party is 5 until spring time. It's interesting to read all the different responses! I wouldn't have minded so much if I had been asked beforehand to keep an eye on him, so maybe that's what's annoyed me about it all.

OP posts:

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 13/12/2014 21:13

I wouldn't have left either of mine at 4yr old at a party and I aren't sure they would've let go me go either.

fatterface · 13/12/2014 21:13

Helicoptopus - did you make clear on the invitation that you wanted parents to stay? If a host needs other parents to help then they normally ask in advance! If you weren't able to host the whole class maybe you shouldn't have invited so many...

mistymorningmemories · 13/12/2014 21:14

We had dd1's 4th birthday party last week and I specifically asked on invitation for parents to stay and made a 'parents area' at the party. All parents stayed, dh was in charge of teas and coffees for them!

MrSheen · 13/12/2014 21:16

I've left most of mine from reception, so 4-5. Ds1 was a very clingy child so I tended to stay. I have hosted tons of parties and by that age I would definitely expect a few to be just dropped off and I would consider it my responsibility to look after them. I don't invite more than I can cope with. I've only had one party where everyone buggered off. I thing it was when dd2 was 6 and it was in soft play. It was hard work but I'd invited them.

You shouldn't invite small children to a soft play party and make them wait an hour for a drink either. I would expect parents to tell me that they were leaving and leave a number.

Summerisle1 · 13/12/2014 21:17

why the hell should I also be watching out for who is jumping on who??

I thought that was standard practice when hosting childrens' parties! Even if the children concerned are well past "leaving age". In my experience, someone was always going to get boisterous!

redskybynight · 13/12/2014 21:17

Party hosts should make sure they have sufficient adults to supervise - or make it clear that they expect parents to stay. They shouldn't expect parents to magically work out that they are expected to (especially as you equally see threads from party hosts wondering how to get rid of unwanted parents that won't go).

I do think this is school/area/community biased though. My SIL mentioned in a conversation about leaving her DD at a party for the first time in Y3. I was amazed she'd not done it sooner but it was the norm where she was for parents to stay at parties until junior school age. So if the norm in OP's area is for parents to stay, I will concede she is NBU (and should have refererred child to party host if she didn't want to help)>

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/12/2014 21:18

Heli it can be a lot to ask though, as most people have more than 1 DC and are apparently being invited to 30 of these parties per child, per year! I am glad things don't work that way here!

I had the opposite problem with my middle child, who didn't want to be left til he was nearly 7 - sometimes we turned down invites and other times had to make special arrangements in advance with the host so I could stay, as that was an imposition, especially as sometimes I had no choice but to have one or both of my other kids in tow, and other times had to juggle things to ensure at least the older one was invited elsewhere...

Imscarlet · 13/12/2014 21:22

At my DD's 4th party one parent left. I was surprised but she checked with me first and the child was no trouble to mind. At another party since another child was left. In my limited experience the children left had older siblings so the parents may be more relaxed. Mine is a pfb and I probably won't leave her on her own until she tells me I am an embarrassment and must leave. I am the same with play dates and some mums have suggested picking her up after pre-school (not in uk so don't have a reception year, primary starts at 5ish) and I've vetoed it.

skylark2 · 13/12/2014 21:24

I think things have moved on as my kids are teens now, but it used to be that if a child (just the child) was invited to a party, it was expected that you'd leave them there.

If the parent was expected to stay (for small toddlers), the invite would be for both the child and the parent.

"Am I being unreasonable to think that if your child is not old enough to go themselves a drink/go for a wee then you shouldn't leave them alone at a party for two hours?"

No, but surely the vast majority of 4 year olds are used to being left without mummy and with their friends, going to the toilet, getting their own food - they go to school, after all! I don't recall staying at a party after my kids started playgroup. You're describing an average younger 2 year old.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 13/12/2014 21:25

Well all I can say is that I wont be leaving my child at 4 or 5 at some random persons party (I don't do more than the polite hello at nursery at moment so they are random people).

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/12/2014 21:27

I'mscarlet they are more relaxed and/ or they have hobsons choice of being disapproved of for dropping their 4 year old off or being shameless enough to bring the older sibling along (or leaving them home alone) perhaps.

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