To think you shouldn't leave 4 year olds at parties alone?

[RaisingMen]

Just that really. I understand it's fine to drop off older children and pick them up when the party has finished, but 4 year olds?

I have taken my son to two parties today. The first one this morning was at a local soft play centre and a mum I have never spoken to before made small talk with me before announcing she was off to finish her Christmas shopping and would pick her son up when the party finished two hours later. Fine I thought, she must have arranged this with the host parents. Nope, they knew nothing about it either and it was left to me to watch him, take him to the loo, get his party food for him etc.

I thought this was a one off until this afternoons party, this time in a room attached to a pub. Not secure, could walk in and out freely, next to a main road, you get the picture.

There were about 40 children at this one and it was very fucking a bit crazy. My son kept coming over to me for a drink with his friend in tow, who was also saying how thirsty he was too. I assumed his parents were there and I kept telling him to go and ask his mummy or daddy to get him a drink. (The free juice wasn't out yet so you had to buy drinks from the bar). This went on for a good hour, the poor lad was sweating and clearly hadn't had a drink so I asked him where his mummy and daddy were - surprise surprise they were at home, so off I went to buy him a drink. Once again ended up looking after an extra child, had to take him to the loo, get his party food etc.

Is this the norm? Am I being unreasonable to think that if your child is not old enough to go themselves a drink/go for a wee then you shouldn't leave them alone at a party for two hours? All you're really doing is passing the childcare on to someone else and not having the decency to let them know you're doing so. So AIBU? Do you stay with your children at birthday parties?

once child is at school i would not expect to have to stay. I am legitimately that a parent of a 6.5 year old feels it necessary to stay. Because quite frankly it's a right hassle to have other parents hanging around when you're trying to run a children's party.

Redsky I'm inclined to agree that the norm seems to differ based on where you live

It's not that I didn't want to help, I would just have liked the parents to have the common courtesy to let me or another parent know beforehand that's all. I would never not want to help a child, and it's not like I was doing anything other than sitting watching the children play anyway,

For all those that leave their children at parties, do you let the host/another parent know beforehand?

I once invited a child for an after school playdate. The mother was at school at pick up time. I assumed she was just picking up her dd, but no, she got both her kids and said 'I'll just follow you to yours, shall I'. I suggested I just take him, but no, she didn't want that. Got to mine and I thought maybe it was a car seat issue or something and she would leave, but she came in, with her dd. I thought maybe she'll check me out settle him in, and then leave, but no. I offered her a cup of tea, more for want of something to say than anything else and then I dropped a few hints "Shall I drop him home after tea?". She got confused at that point and said she would just take them after we'd eaten. I ended up cooking for the 3 of them. I still don't quite know what happened.

skylark my kids are still little and I also sometimes wonder at how startlingly young for their age many NT mums net kids are described as - somebody told me it was ridiculous to let a 6 year old play out as hers couldn't even put her own socks on and other people talk about dressing their 3 and 4 year old as if letting them dress themselves was an alien concept. ..

I think the whole class (or bigger) parties sound insane on every level unless you are new to an area with an autumn birthday child who struggles with friendship and want to ensure them a supply of return invites and buy yourself a head start on getting to know the kids and parents.

I think YABU if it's a reception party so 4 rising 5. I wouldn't expect parents to stay really (especially not at this time of year tbh). Even at some 4th parties children were left. I think the more dcs in the family the more likely the child is to be left at a tender age, it can be the lesser of 2 evils if there are older siblings in tow.

One thing that I did was invite older or younger siblings to parties as I didn't realise that it could be awkward until one family turned up and we're paying for an older child to play while the younger child went to the party. I insisted that the child be added to the list and I've been mindful of that since.

Imscarlet that was lovely of you :D I'm always reading threads on here where parents moan and are shocked at the cheek of parents bringing older siblings along yet also consider it brass neck and bad parenting to drop a child off. Given that where whole class parties are the norm there are so very many of these parties, I often wonder quite what people with an older (but close in age) child are expected to do! Obviously unless the hosts have offered parents should be paying their own uninvited kids entry and food in public places like soft play, but hosts who expect parents to provide 1:1 supervision for complex crafts etc. or who expect parents present but no siblings regardless that parents have paid for their own kids because they "change the dynamic seem very thoughtless and self centred.

It's only something I read on MY though - here I have been asked to go home and fetch my extra kids more than once because they were hoping dd would help with the toddlers/ the little boys wanted ds1 there/ it's August and half the invited kids are on holiday and birthday child is sad at the low turnout etc.

*MN auto-corrected to MY

It would totally depend on the child, the party parents preference and the venue.
I wouldn't leave my 4 yr old at a soft play party but have left her at parties at friends houses in the same road as us.
I also didn't really want everyone's parents hanging around in my house. Some stayed some didn't.
I would never just leave without checking with the hosts first.

I did small parties and wanted the parents out of the way, unless the child didn't want to be left. In a small house they parents clutter up the place and tend to get in the way and chat. 4yrs was fine to leave them.
However-if you have large parties where the children and party host parents don't know each other then it would be different.

I stayed and will stay when dd2 starts the parties.

I teach small children and know the are not to be trusted. Ever.

I wouldn't leave my 4 year old at a party. That said, at recent 5 year old party, only one person didnt stay and it was my cousin who a) knew i was there as well as lots of other parents who her child knew and b) she has 4 other older children. What is she supposed to do with them while she stays with one at a party?! She cant bring them?!

Some do, some dont.

I left mine age three upwards at a party. Admittedly a party in someones house with only a few children, not in a pub or anything. Parents also left their kids at parties at my house. I NEVER stayed at any party with my kids other than a couple I joint hosted with a friend for their child.

Parents seem to be so much more precious these days.

What do people do with siblings though? I can't leave my four year old and yet I can't take the older siblings as one has sen. Therefore the younger one misses a lot of parties!

I have left dds from the age of 5. Not always, I just tend to play be ear when I get there. I've also had small and full class parties for both my dds and I do strongly believe that if you invite 30 kids, then you should be prepared to supervise them all. If you can't, you need to make that clear. Honestly, I wouldn't invite 30 kids and expect parents to do the supervising at my party!

I always get the gps to tag long etc, at the end of the day the invite is for the child not the parents. I find people whose eldest is 4-5 are the ones most pfb about this.....after that many have siblings and realize its polite and helpful to supervise the kids for drop off or allow siblings to stay aswell.

I wouldn't leave a 3 or 4 year old alone at a party unless the hosts were well known to the child and the party was in the host's own home [and their home was also well known to the child].

My eldest DS is now 5 going on 6 and I think he is only now ready to be left at a soft play party on his own.

Yes, at an earlier age he was able to use the toilet independently and get his own food... however he may have been quite daunted in an unfamiliar environment around adults whom he didn't know.

He probably wouldn't automatically know where the toilets or food were and would probably have been too shy to ask. Also if he had had a fall or tussle with another child he would have wanted comforting [or telling off!] from either Mummy or Daddy or another familiar trusted adult.

I don't think it would have been fair to expect the party hosts to look out for him to such a degree and hence I have always stayed.

However this also seems to be the 'done thing' around our way [SE London]. At every party I have held for DS [so far up to 5th birthday] all parents have stayed and looked out for their own child leaving me as party host to concentrate on games, food, welcoming new arrivals and giving out party bags to those leaving, etc. The parents have generally stood about nattering together with a coffee or glass of wine and so it has been a bit of a social event for them as well.

I am really intrigued by all those who say they have regularly left their 3 and 4 year olds at parties and whereabouts they are geographically...

I'm in rural southern Germany nutcracker ... There is no soft play, and the community is small - very rare to not know other parents with similar age kids. My eldest is 9, 2nd is 7, 3rd is 3 - until a few weeks ago every 4th and 5th party my kids had or were invited to were 4-8 guests in the child's home, as are 90% of the 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th and 10th birthday parties (guest per year of age is standard but not rigid). There have been a couple of cinema, bowling, instructor led climbing, and more and more often sleep over parties for the older kids, and a couple of structured petting farm type parties. One pony riding party from a parent of pfb trying too hard ;)

I've left mine from the age of 3 at parties. I didn't have much choice as I have 5 DC in total. There was no way I could stay with the other DC in tow and I didn't see why the party goer had to miss out.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Erm, the last party DS attended was for a 7 year old class friend. ALL the parents stayed. Partly it's because we all get on and it's nice to catch up and partly because the children like us to stay.

I think it depends. I have 2 older DC and a husband who works weekends. Would you prefer me to turn up with 2 additional children?

DS is now older enough (10) to be left home alone for short periods, but DD1 (7) is not. So either I leAve DD2, or DD1 comes to.

I usually ask one specific parent to take responsibility for DD2 when I leave her, gently explaining the reason.

At DD2's recent party I had 2 three year olds, plus older sisters,we were fine.

Cool are siblings welcome, or is your ds' class entirely only children?

Mr Tumble yes, siblings welcome, although they seem to have either much older siblings (teens) or younger ones.

Obviously the teens don't come to the parties.

When my DC were 4 they were all able to take themselves to the loo and help themselves to food tbh. They were at school so surely they would be?

IME it is the norm where I live to drop and run from reception age (ie 5yo parties - but plenty of the guests will be 4yo). In my case, I had 2 other DC so couldn't often stay (DH not usually about on a Saturday). Was never aware of an issue and always told the host.

I recall DD's reception class party with about 20+ children and no adults stayed apart from one or two I had asked to help. It was fine. Can't remember having to take anyone to the loo. I did provide squash tho.

The party in the pub with drinks needing to be bought for small children sounds like a bit of a nightmare anyway!

Well when I was a child (not THAT long ago ) this was pretty much the norm. Mostly, I guess, because parties were in the hosts home so it'd be a bit weird and cramped if everyone's parents stuck around. I remember probably from about four we all just got dropped off and picked up a couple of hours later, parents left their landline numbers if anything happened and we needed to be collected or whatever but yeah.

My DB is a fair bit younger than me and the same happened when he was a child too, that was at soft play type things more than people's houses as well. My mum used to have to keep an eye on 15/16 kids running around. I used to help out, I think mum used to make my aunt and uncle come along to help out too. Then they had to supervise them all eating afterwards but yeah... It wasn't normal for parents to hang around. The only parents who did were generally the ones whose kids were, shall we say, sensitive cry babies .

This set up makes it sound unfair on you though, I'd say the host should be sorting out the drinks and toilet trips etc. not you.