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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having children is both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

88 replies

jinglebellsy00 · 13/12/2014 00:40

My dc's are amazing and I wouldn't swap them for the world. And I fully appreciate how privileged I am that I have them.

For those people who want children (whether naturally, by adoption or other means), AIBU in thinking that having children can be both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

My dc's make me laugh and cry harder than I ever thought possible pre - children.

A laugh is the highlight of my day and a tantrum/sad child can be the failure of my day.

Staying up for hours at night is both fulfilling and exhausting.

Teaching them new skills is both frustrating and fulfilling.

What are your best/worst moments post children?

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 13/12/2014 00:42

Yes yabu of course it's not the worst.

Snapespotions · 13/12/2014 00:45

Parenting is hard sometimes, but I don't feel that any of it is the worst thing I'll ever do.

Maybe I'll feel differently when I have a teenager. Wink

SellMySoulForSomeSleep · 13/12/2014 00:59

At the moment I feel exactly like that. I'm 6 months in and some days I'm a mess thinking its the worst thing ive ever done. Other days I think she is the best thing ever and my life wasn't worthwhile until she was here. So to me YANBU.

editthis · 13/12/2014 01:06

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I don't agree that the frustration on a bad or tantrum-filled day is the worst thing, but when I have a sick child on my hands I feel, selfishly, childishly, that nothing is worth that terrible responsibility and mind-bending love vertigo. In those fleeting moments I envy my childless friends. But the flip side is the total joy they bring and missing them when they're sleeping. Smile

caroldecker · 13/12/2014 01:07

Bollocks - never in my darkest hour have i ever thought it anything but the best thing

Trills · 13/12/2014 01:11

Sounds very sensible to me.

You might have better moments than you would have without children.

You might also have much worse moments than you would have without children.

Tobyjugg · 13/12/2014 01:16

Nothing (illness and accidents included) was worse than the trauma of GCSEs except the trauma of A-Levels.

thursday · 13/12/2014 01:45

It's the most extreme thing I'll ever do. I don't agree with your expression of it but sort of understand. It's eternal, no going back and can be ever so hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm just rubbish at it and shouldn't have been allowed Confused But they are the most worthwhile thing I have and will ever do.

Squtternutbaush · 13/12/2014 01:56

YANBU.

Having been lucky enough to have 2 adorable and funny little people call me their mum is amazing BUT sometimes I feel that the burden of responsibility is just too much and I long for my old life.

I think this is normal though and I hate to say it but I am always suspicious of people who claim that every waking breath is dedicated to being the perfect parent of the perfect child.

My children are 99.9% of my life but I am not the type of person who is happy by being defined as a Mummy with no other identity.

BabyHaribo · 13/12/2014 02:04

YANBU
although I think maybe best and hardest sums it up better for me

LuannDelaney · 13/12/2014 02:08

my dd1 is reading the Hobbit to our dd2, very sweet girls.

30somethingm · 13/12/2014 02:29

YANBU. It is posts like this that are confirming to me my suspicions that deep down I don't ever want to have children.

Bulbasaur · 13/12/2014 02:35

Maybe the best and hardest thing I'll ever do. But definitely not the worst. There are times I wonder if I made the right choice having a baby, but I have a hard time regretting it too.

That said, tantrums happen. Don't let them ruin your day. What other people think and say about you is none of your business anyway. Wink

Tinks42 · 13/12/2014 02:44

I can see that always having to nurture and put another human being first could be hard for some. I personally think its the best thing ive ever done. I have never ever thought it was the "worst" YABU

Canyouforgiveher · 13/12/2014 03:00

After the week I have just had with my teenage daughter (and I am not just talking about usual teenage stuff here), I would definitely say that having children is the best thing i ever did and the most incredibly difficult, agonising thing I ever did too.

It isn't about nurturing or putting another human being first. it is about watching someone you love more than anything suffer or struggle and being unable to do anything about it but still having to come up with a plan or worrying about how life will treat them when you are no longer there to mind them.

it is the worst thing because you have given hostages to fortune. As someone said to my father many years ago "ah you have a baby-well you'll never sleep easy again"

Any glib" it is the best thing no worries at all" is definitely being unreasonable. Anyone who struggles because of the challenges their child faces isn't being unreasonable in my world.

Tinks42 · 13/12/2014 03:07

Im not being "glib" my son is nearly 17 and of course you never stop worrying etc. but its still the best thing ive ever done and I won't have that taken away from me thank you.

Tinks42 · 13/12/2014 03:20

Im sorry you're having a hard time canyou I really am. I have a fantastic relationship with my son and am also allowed to say this. Im allowed to say Im actually in awe of him sometimes, so yes, having him is the best thing I have ever done.

Canyouforgiveher · 13/12/2014 03:24

Who is taking anything away from you?

My child is also the best thing I ever did. Does any parent seriously think that any other parent thinks differently than that about their children?

But an acknowledgement that it can be very hard and tough and worrying might help some people.

I have 3 children. For 2 of them I would happily say "best thing ever, some worries, but mostly joy". For the other child - equally loved and treasured- perhaps even more so because of what we have gone through together - it has been different - we worry and our lives have changed as a result.

So I will be saying to anyone who wants to hear that child rearing can be very very hard and can make you doubt yourself in ways you didn't expect when that lovely baby was handed to you. Not everyone (and Tinks, lovely that you aren't one of us). But some people do go through it.

MyBaby1day · 13/12/2014 04:18

I want one (by adoption) and often wonder just what it will be like. Best and worst thing hey? Smile

HeartOfADog · 13/12/2014 04:34

I agree that best but hardest seems to be most accurate description. At the moment, after 2 hrs trying to get sick baby dd back to sleep, hardest springs to mind. But ask me tomorrow when she gets up and dances spontaneously to the song on a random ad and I'll definitely say best!!

Original poster
jinglebellsy00 · 13/12/2014 05:01

I think you're right actually and the best and the hardest I'd definitely a better expression of how it is.

OP posts:
JoandMax · 13/12/2014 05:21

Did you mean best and hardest as opposed to worst? I would definitely agree with that!

My DCs are completely the best thing I've ever done and I wouldn't change a single minute to have them here but DS2 has pushed me to my limits emotionally. He has broken my heart more than any DH could ever come close to doing - not his fault at all but a very poorly start and we've had a couple of touch and go moments and I could never accurately describe that fear. But he (and my incredible DS1) has also brought such an immense amount of joy and love to my life and made me a better person I have never in the darkest moment regretted it or thought I'd done the 'worst' thing......

LaRaclette · 13/12/2014 05:24

Another vote for 'best but hardest' - also joy and the potential for pain.

Inboxer · 13/12/2014 05:49

YANBU and I actually admire the courage in being so honest. I love my dd with all my heart and could never regret having her. She makes me laugh and see the world through her bright intelligent eyes. I have met some lovely people and learnt to lighten up and believe in myself more too.

However, the flip side of it is - we are in a lot of debt which scares me and I miss the closeness I used to have with my husband. She is all consuming and causes lots of arguments and I worry I will never get my relationship with dh back. The loneliness and isolation I felt when she was a baby along with the lack of sleep was tough and though I don't feel that now, the terrible twos are equally tough. She refuses to go to bed at night, to eat her meals, to put her coat on when I need her to - everything is a battle and I often feel fed up and exhausted.

So although I could never call her the worst thing I've done, I would probably say that motherhood has taken its toll on my mental health.

However, missing out on motherhood may well have been the worst thing.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/12/2014 06:01

I'm 8.5 months in and although I love my DS to pieces when he's up from 3am-5.15am for no reason other than he just wants to cry I'm definitely not thinking "This is the best thing I've ever done."

But in the light of day when he's playing, giggling, learning and hunting out mischief I am constantly thinking that being his mom is the best thing in the world.

However, sometimes I miss my freedom, I miss being able to do what I want when I want and I miss a quiet house. It's hard work having someone completely depend on you and making them your priority 24/7.