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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that having children is both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

88 replies

jinglebellsy00 · 13/12/2014 00:40

My dc's are amazing and I wouldn't swap them for the world. And I fully appreciate how privileged I am that I have them.

For those people who want children (whether naturally, by adoption or other means), AIBU in thinking that having children can be both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

My dc's make me laugh and cry harder than I ever thought possible pre - children.

A laugh is the highlight of my day and a tantrum/sad child can be the failure of my day.

Staying up for hours at night is both fulfilling and exhausting.

Teaching them new skills is both frustrating and fulfilling.

What are your best/worst moments post children?

OP posts:
JemimaButtons · 14/12/2014 20:56

YANBU!!!

Just from reading your thread title, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I read your post too, and still agree.

I get so frustrated and dare I say it, angry (occasionally) with my children like nothing on earth - so much so, that I seriously wonder if I made the right decision having children. However, they so often say and do such amazing, kind, wonderful things which make me physically, literally cry with happiness and joy that I feel so unbelievably blessed to have these to children given to me.

Yanbu

Bowlersarm · 14/12/2014 20:58

Yanbu

My children have given me the highest of highs but also the lowest of lows.

Wouldn't be without them.

JemimaButtons · 14/12/2014 21:17

I would never get over it if something happened to my kids. I would turn into an alcoholic or worse kill myself. I know that's not hr,Paul. But it's the way I ferl

motherinferior · 14/12/2014 21:21

YANBU.

Especially in the early stages.

Siennasun · 14/12/2014 21:23

I don't really agree with any of the OP but I can see how it could be the best and worst thing you ever do.

I'm not really bothered by DS crying/tantrums etc. Its normal that he does those things. I'd be worried if he was always happy.

Teaching new skills is fulfilling but I cant say I find it frustrating.

Being kept up at night is a lot more exhausting than fulfilling imo but by no means the worst or hardest thing I have ever done.

He is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done. He's not the only thing in my life. I still have a relationship, a career, a social life and hobbies. But if I ever lost him I know that that would be without a doubt the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I honestly can't imagine how I would go on.

splendide · 14/12/2014 21:25

At the moment it feels like it might have been the worst thing I've ever done. DS is 7 weeks and I'm finding it so so hard. I cry everyday and feel completely overwhelmed. I had such a lovely easy life before him and I really don't think I realised. I'm hoping it'll get better.

motherinferior · 14/12/2014 21:30

Oh Splendide, darling, please talk to your GP or HV tomorrow about feeling that way. That's not right. They can help you. Lots of us have been there - I'm so sorry.

slightlyconfused85 · 14/12/2014 21:32

splendide - your baby is absolutely tiny. It's a very very hard stage and the reward often comes a little bit later. When you are getting a bit more sleep and baby does a bit less crying you will feel better. Hang on in there, it will not feel like the worst thing you've ever done soon, a vast majority of MN will tell you the same. Remember: hardest not worst. sending hugs.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 14/12/2014 21:34

The trouble is when they are little and it's so physically exhausting you think it's hard but will get easier.

It does in one sense, around 7/8/9 and then it just gets harder and harder again until you die.

Because the single most terrifying thing about having children is the thought of loosing them or them dying before you.

That becomes much more an issue when they are not tucked up in a cot at night but out with mates/girlfriends/boyfriends in cars and pubs, going abroad and leaving home.

They introduce new people good and bad into your lives that could hurt or love them. You have no control over them. You have to let go.

Absolutely fucking mind numbingly terrifying.

Sleepless nights don't always come with a baby. That's the easy part.

Bowlersarm · 14/12/2014 21:36

Splendid, DH and I said over the top of our newborn ds1's head daily "what the fuck have we done?". It gets better, honest, hang on in there. It's tough to start with.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 14/12/2014 21:50

Splendide sweetheart sorry didn't read your post. It's absolutely exhausting at that age. Seriously get any help you need and keep on posting here as there's loads of support here and all parents recognise your feelings absolutely. Hugs xxxx

bigbluestars · 14/12/2014 22:00

Certainly not the worst. I have never felt like that at all.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 14/12/2014 22:22

But it's terrifying and wonderful in equal measure.

You open your heart and it is forever vulnerable.

80schild · 14/12/2014 22:26

I can understand where you are coming from OP. So far, the day DC2 ended up in intensive care and I hadn't realised he was ill was the worst (I thought he was sleeping Sad; followed by the act of giving birth; and watching DC1 go to school on the first day.

So enjoying them now - it is the best time of my life. I am getting to watch them turn into sweet and happy people. I just hope no-one fucks it up for them.

bigbluestars · 14/12/2014 22:40

Going to school was bad?

It was a happy day when my kids started school.

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 14/12/2014 23:01

Oh no starting school was a big adventure and easy for us.

When dc4 started I went got a big breakfast. By myself. Grin

bigbluestars · 15/12/2014 06:45

I loved them starting schol too. They were ready and excited, as was I.

OneSkinnyChip · 15/12/2014 11:10

YANBU. I think using the word 'worst' divided opinion early on in the thread but I took it to mean hardest.

If your life was very good pre-children it's a shock to the system when they arrive. Our lives pre-DD were great - good income, high standard of living, numerous hobbies and holidays, lots of time to just be a couple and pursue our careers and interests. DD's arrival has meant an adjustment that I've found hard at times but I generally find it easier now that she's a toddler because she gives more back. It's so great making her laugh, talking with her, taking her to see Santa and all the fun stuff that it makes the sleep disruption and tantrums easier to cope with!

duplodon · 15/12/2014 12:17

I haven't rtft, but I do think it could be the worst. I think if you have a child who you love beyond all measure and then you lose that child, and I mean not only those tragic situations where your child dies, but where they are no longer in contact with you or they suffer some sort of illness or disability where they no longer can demonstrate connection to you or they end up in prison, on the streets, criminal, stealing your money for drugs, with severe mental illness to the extent they can't have a relationship with you, it can absolutely be one of the worst experiences in the world. I would imagine watching your child suffer extreme poverty, abuse or life-limiting illness would also

When you have a child, there is the potential for all sorts of horrendous things to visit your world. We don't typically think of these things, we assume we will be part of the cosy majority who doesn't experience these situations, but they are real and present for many mothers and I don't believe it's helpful to engage in the myth that becoming a mother is always brilliantly positive and life-affirming for all.

Heels99 · 15/12/2014 12:20

Yabu, the best yes. The worst... Well of course not. I think this is very insensitive for those that have experienced the loss of a child or infertility. Those things are clearly far far worse than having a child. What a peculiar op I wish you would delete it.

duplodon · 15/12/2014 12:28

And having rtft now, to Sipstea, of course the majority of bereaved parents continue with their lives following a bereavement and learn in time to adapt to the gravity of such a huge loss... but that doesn't mean it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Being able to survive does not lessen the impact of pain!

It's also different to other potential bereavements in life because you have been at one with that person since they were inside your belly, you were (presumably) there for their first breath, you nurtured and sustained them and you are charged with responsibility for their health and wellbeing so though in all likelihood their death has absolutely nothing to do with you, you will probably experience guilt and a sense of responsibility that you wouldn't with another bereavement, just because that's the way the human mind works to torture us even when we are already experiencing extreme pain.

Also, in all honesty, you just CAN'T say how you would react if you haven't had that experience. You can't. It's a sort of self-protective thought to imagine you'd just grieve and dust yourself down and "get on with it", and in terms of everyday behaviour you might well do that, but you can't pretend any more than I can that you have the faintest clue of what it would be like to live with that loss, no matter who in your life you have lost before.

TantricShift · 15/12/2014 12:56

I'm always surprised when people get a bit ansty with others for not liking parenting. After my first I had horrendous PND and honestly felt like it was the biggest mistake of my life. Not my choice to feel like that but I did and other peoples lack of compassion made it even worse. I had my second and I started to enjoy motherhood and I love them both deeply but I am not ashamed to say that motherhood has not made me happy. I do it with love and care because I have committed to it but I am not sure I would choose it again in another life. That does not make me a bad person, it makes me someone whose talents and abilities lie elsewhere.

Lottapianos · 15/12/2014 13:16

'That does not make me a bad person, it makes me someone whose talents and abilities lie elsewhere'

It certainly doesn't make you a bad person Tantric. It's a very brave thing to admit to. You are most certainly not the only parent who feels like this. Parenthood, motherhood especially, gets marketed as a kind of fairytale experience and its highly disingenous. It makes sense that not everyone experiences it in the same way.

OneSkinnyChip · 15/12/2014 13:18

Spot on post Tantric. I agree 100%. I am a committed parent and I love DD but other things come much more naturally to me than parenting.

MunningCockery · 15/12/2014 13:20

I agree OP meant 'Best & Hardest* and am irritated as fuck at those who have jumped on her.

caroldecker

'Bollocks - never in my darkest hour have i ever thought it anything but the best thing

Really? REALLY? Well then all I can say to that is that your 'darkest hour' must have pretty different to many of the rest of our 'darkest hours' love.

Ever sat there not knowing if your child will live or die? Ever had to pick them up from the worst worst things that could happen to a child? I know the answer already, as ANYONE who has been in those positions (or worse, lost a child) would not write the 'bollocks' you did. Its fucking offensive TBH but hey, you might have caught me on a bad day as right now I am in agonising pain re one, beautiful, DC and the exhaustion of putting on a front for the other

OP Yes and & YANBU (& ignore anyone who says otherwise - they're either lying or have been blessed beyond blessed)