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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that having children is both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

88 replies

jinglebellsy00 · 13/12/2014 00:40

My dc's are amazing and I wouldn't swap them for the world. And I fully appreciate how privileged I am that I have them.

For those people who want children (whether naturally, by adoption or other means), AIBU in thinking that having children can be both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

My dc's make me laugh and cry harder than I ever thought possible pre - children.

A laugh is the highlight of my day and a tantrum/sad child can be the failure of my day.

Staying up for hours at night is both fulfilling and exhausting.

Teaching them new skills is both frustrating and fulfilling.

What are your best/worst moments post children?

OP posts:

Eminybob · 13/12/2014 06:03

I think I'd say hardest rather than worse. But definitely the best.

bedraggledmumoftwo · 13/12/2014 06:35

I agree, i read a book on toddlers last year which started "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" and it always sticks in my head.
when mine are smiling/laughing/playing together it is simply heartwarming. But when they are screaming/ tantrumming/hitting their sister, it is not much fun. I am hoping it will even out once we get through the toddler stage, but dd2 just turned one!

PorridgeBrain · 13/12/2014 07:20

YANBU OP. If I allow myself to stop and compare my life now to pre- children then yes it can sometimes feel like the worst thing I have done. Why? Because then, life was generally filled with times of laughter, relaxation, freedom and money to do what I wanted and go where I wanted, go travelling etc etc with the man I chose to spend my life with because we made each other so happy. Whereas now, generally my days are filled with constantly refereeing two children who can't seem to stand the sight of each other at the moment, being made to feel like nothing I ever do is right or good enough, generally feeling stressed at the burden of responsibility at trying to ensure everything I do and say is the right thing to give them every chance of growing up to be lovely, well adjusted children but feel like I am failing constantly and feeling like as a consequence of all of this my relationship with my husband is no longer as care free and laughter filled as it was because the whining/misery has drained all the happiness out of me by the end of the day. So yes, if I stop and compare the two lives, it sometimes does feel like the worst of the two. There, I said it! :)

differentnameforthis · 13/12/2014 08:50

Tantrums shouldn't be the failure of your day...I hate the word by the way, as it has such negative connotations. "Tantrums" are pretty much a child's way of expressing themselves when they don't know any otehr way to do so.

My children will NEVER be the worse thing I have done. Never.

WeirdCatLady · 13/12/2014 08:57

I feel sad that anyone would consider their child to be the worst thing in their life.

Hardest, yes. But never ever the worst.

Best? Most rewarding? Definitely. By a mile

Bunbaker · 13/12/2014 08:59

"Maybe I'll feel differently when I have a teenager"

I find parenting a teenage girl extremely hard right now. I am forever posting in the teen topic with DD's problems.

I agree with the OP. Having DD has been lovely at times and very hard at times. I love her to bits, but the worry she has caused us has taken its toll at times. We very nearly lost her when she was a few weeks old and then when she was 11 we thought we were going to lose her again. The very idea of losing a child must be the worst thing.

I don't agree that missing out on motherhood is the worst thing. I am not very maternal and don't feel that my life is better for being a parent - different but not better or worse. I find the highs and lows you get as a parent hard to deal with.

ShowMeTheWonder · 13/12/2014 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catabouttown · 13/12/2014 10:31

I actually get the 'worst' thing in as much as, on paper, it's insane that any of us want children...it's totally masochistic to want something that keeps you up all night, screams at you, fights you, that you have to dedicate a solid 18 years (at least) of yourself to put their every need and desire first. Even when they are little angels, it's still saying goodbye to your freedom and it's crazy expensive...but it is just the best anyway, and 23.5 solid hours of my girls being a nightmare but one smile and cuddle and I melt! I think it is one giant evolutionary con that we love our children so so much but I do and I don't doubt that they are the best thing that has ever happened to me

Millionprammiles · 13/12/2014 13:45

OP - I understand what your saying, I really do. Parenting is a roller coaster and while the highs have been amazing, some of the lows have been so bad I sometimes wonder if it was the right decision for us. The worry, anxiety, frustration, tedium, exasperation can be all consuming sometimes. As can the sheer unbridled love.

The problem is, you can never know if you would have been happier without children as you can never know what your life would have been like. Age 50 without children isn't the same as age 30. It probably isn't unreasonable to say though that some people would have had a calmer, more even keeled life filled with less ups and downs and for some that would have been preferable.

pressone · 13/12/2014 13:53

Yup - best and hardest. Most joyful when it is all going well, but most terrifying when one of them is seriously ill or injured, or heaven forbid, you lose one.

I think it is a terrible thing when a parent outlives a child, that must surely classify as one of the worst things that can happen to you?

Noggie · 13/12/2014 13:55

I totally adore my dds but there are definitely times when it seems overwhelmingly relentless!

bluebeanie · 13/12/2014 14:56

Worst? No. Hardest and best? Yes

Dragonfly71 · 13/12/2014 15:20

"Best and worst" yes, because there is nothing worse than seeing your child go through something painful. Hopefully most parents won't have to. Until that something happened I would also have said "best and hardest" too. Then something happened to my teenage dd that was outside of my control. She is recovering and will be fine but the feeling when she told me was the worst pain I have ever experienced.
Despite that if I could turn back the clock I would still have my wonderful DCs.

lisylisylou · 13/12/2014 15:29

Maybe what needs to be defined is the description worst? Maybe the op did mean the hardest? I have had the best moments of my life with my children that absolutely light up my life and that lovely feeling of that we all just get each other and laugh at things others wouldn't. However yes, also the worst moments such as on a hot summers day not wanting to put my daughter in a roasting hot car I had her sitting in the front of a shopping trolley sat against the car. Somehow, she pushed the shopping trolley off the car while I was putting the food shopping in the boot of my car and she sailed down the hill with me chasing after the shopping trolley crashing into a car at the bottom. She was absolutely fine but the people in the car were fuming and trying to talk to me as me and my daughter were just sobbing into each other! Those were one of the worst moments of my life definitely!! However, i can quite categorically say itsthe best thing I've ever done

bumpthedoor · 13/12/2014 15:37

My children are adults now, and yes, it has been the best and the worst thing ever.

I would not have said that when they were children. There's still a long way to go for some of you, before you know what the worst will be.

Pyjamaramadrama · 13/12/2014 15:43

I never think that's it's the worst thing I've ever done and that's not to sound smug that's the absolute truth.

I do think that it can be one of the hardest and most testing and challenging things.

Perhaps I've been lucky in that I haven't really had dark days with ds, more tiring and frustrating days.

But the little things make it worth it and the warm fuzzy feeling is like no other.

bigbuttons · 14/12/2014 16:44

I have 6 dc, born within 8 years of each other. It's been and continues to be bloody hard work. However, moments like yesterday remind me what a privilege it is to have these people in my life. Youngest ds (7) said to me "Thank you for borning me"( what a great word) when I asked him why he felt that way he told me it was because he has a happy life. It doesn't get much more rewarding than that.

SipsTea · 14/12/2014 17:02

I love my DS. He is cute, sweet and loveable and has given me very little to worry about over the years.

If I could turn the clock back, I would not have had any children. I'm certainly not interested in having anymore.

When people ask me what being a mother is like, they expect me to go all misty-eyed and tell them it is the best thing ever. Well, actually, motherhood is alright. I can think of a myriad of other things that give me equal, if not more, amounts of joy.

People say they couldn't imagine life/living without their children. Well, I can. I know that if I were to lose him tomorrow, the world would keep turning and I would learn to live with it, the same way I have learned to live with deaths of others in my life.

That's just my opinion though, albeit an unusual one.

slightlyconfused85 · 14/12/2014 17:19

Agree with best and hardest. My 2 year old DD is exhausting but I adore her to the end of the world and feel Im a better person for mothering her, and her soon to be sibling I hope. I find sipstea claim that She would easily get over the loss of her son just like any other loss quite bizarre and sad. If my DD was not to be here I would be distraught and incomplete and comprehending it makes me feel awful. And um not the emotional type.

SipsTea · 14/12/2014 17:34

Please don't put words into my mouth slightlyconfused85 - I never said that it would be easy to get over, just that I would learn to live with it.

SipsTea · 14/12/2014 17:38

I'm what a lot of my friends and family describe as an "emotional" person. I'm also pragmatic - my child is not the be all and end all of my life, and I would find a purpose to my life with or without him (preferably with, of course, but that isn't entirely within my control).

skorpion · 14/12/2014 17:42

I would certailny agree that motherhood opens you up to the most extreme emotions. Both best and worst.
I always thought of myself (and was perceived by others) to be a fairly stable person before I had children. Five years and two daughters in I am most definitely unhinged. The overwhelming love they stir in you, just by smiling or saying something, or looking cute white they sleep, or looking after each other... The worst sort of anger and self pity and longing for your pre-children, oh-so easy life, the outrage at the way they speak to you and treat you and ignore you (the three year old who wouldn't be out of place in the 'Excorsist')... The way you can't wait to have five minutes' peace away from them but as soon as you're out the bloody door you miss them...
Definitely the best and worst of emotions.

Westendgal · 14/12/2014 17:46

"You're only as happy as your unhappiest child." Very true. The love I feel for them is overwhelming but they can break my heart with a phone call.

Beangarda · 14/12/2014 17:47

I don't think your opinion us that unusual, Sipstea. A small but significant minority of women post about how, if they had their time again, they wouldn't have a child, every time someone posts here about trying to decide between reproducing or not.

I'm another who finds motherhood hard, though always interesting, and won't be having a second child, dearly though I love my son. I do realise that, had I not had a child, I would have had a perfectly fulfilling, different life, which I can easily imagine.

And while the idea of losing my toddler is something I can't bear to contemplate with even the corner of my mind, I recognise that friends who have lost children have found some way of continuing to live with the grief. There are bereaved parents on Mn who are coping, somehow.

mamabluestar · 14/12/2014 20:36

I can see where you are coming from. The huffington post don't carpe diem blog puts it into words that I cannot.
Parenting and the changes to relationships is hard work x

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