To think that having children is both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

[jinglebellsy00]

My dc's are amazing and I wouldn't swap them for the world. And I fully appreciate how privileged I am that I have them.

For those people who want children (whether naturally, by adoption or other means), AIBU in thinking that having children can be both the best and worst thing that you will ever do?

My dc's make me laugh and cry harder than I ever thought possible pre - children.

A laugh is the highlight of my day and a tantrum/sad child can be the failure of my day.

Staying up for hours at night is both fulfilling and exhausting.

Teaching them new skills is both frustrating and fulfilling.

What are your best/worst moments post children?

Actually I don't mean 'hardest' I do mean 'worst', speaking for myself.

You're allowed to resent parenting if you then say 'but of course I wouldn't miss it for the world'. Some people would like to have missed it.

MC, I am very sorry.

It's also quite often much, much the most bloody boring thing I've ever done.

Agree 100% op, for myself anyway. I've always said this very thing. It's the extremes of emotion that I have experienced. The depths of PND to the joy of Christmas morning, the enjoyment of seeing them grow and learn to them being in hospital and fearing you will lose them. It's all-enveloping. Some people just have the lovely bits and some tedium and miss the heart tearing parts so I suppose they wouldn't agree and would look terribly shocked and affronted that someone could say this. But I know what you mean.

'You're allowed to resent parenting if you then say 'but of course I wouldn't miss it for the world''

That's right mother - so long as you've martyred yourself for the cause, that's ok!

Duplodon, I never said that the pain would lessen - just that I would learn to live with it. Life goes on, even if not in the way you would imagine.

You would like to tell me how I would/would not react - with all due respect, you don't know me or what I have been through in the past to make that call.

No, I simply said it isn't something you can predict your response to based on past experiences. I don't need to know anything at all about you to know that a) losing a child is different to other losses and b) reaction to past trauma does not usually predict reactions to future trauma in protective ways. Even if you lost every single member of your whole family line previously, you can't say how you would handle the death of your child, in much the same way people can't predict how they will handle labour pain based on past pain, even if their past experiences of pain were serious injuries. It is a simple fact no one can ever predict how they will react to further loss. My grandmother lost three children - she would say each experience was a different sort of pain, like labour.
Your post read as 'it would be no big deal to me, I would move on, I know that's not a popular view'. This is not the same as saying in general people learn to live with even the most tragic losses.

You read my post that way. It is popular to say it would "kill me" to lose my child, but actually, it wouldn't kill me. Bereaved, grief stricken - yes. Kill me i.e. I couldn't live without my child - well, no.

I think in all honesty most people rationallu accept that in time the majority of people move on even after the most tragic bereavements and saying they feel it would kill them is a crude way of indicating the gravity of that particular loss. I don't think you are special or as unusual for recognising that. The context you gave was that you wouldn't have children again, you get equal joy from other things and you'd find a purpose no matter what. I think that is just the story you're telling yourself when you can't know, in the same way someone who says it would kill them doesn't know. I think in all honesty none of us can ever predict how we will really react to a major life changing event when not in the throes of it, but human beings are adept at trying to con themselves they can tell the future, for better or for worse.

I think it's entirely possible to predict how I would react to loss (having done so several times over the years). Each loss may have been different in its intensity, but my pattern of behaviour following has not deviated. Each person has their way of coping, but perhaps some, more than others, become rather adept at suppressing grief outwardly.

In any case, I suppose we will just have to agree to disagree.

Back to the OP's question, I sometimes think having my DS was the worst (yes, worst, not hardest) thing I have ever done. I often think it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I have never once yet thought it is the best thing I have ever done. Mostly though, it is just something I did (like millions of other parents), and so all I do now is love him and raise him as best as I can.

YANBU. They are utterly wonderful - funny, sweet, so kind and bring so much joy. But my god when they're miserable. DS1 gets bullied and isolated, and the tears I've shed over that, while knowing that other parents have it so, so much harder. They put you through hell, all the while showing you glimpses of heaven. They're magnificent.

There are much worse things you could do with your life than have a child so yabu, it's never the worst thing anyone has ever done and to say so is fucking horrid.

The best thing, oui. It's not horrible if you don't consider it to be the best thing you ever did though. I know some people who have many, many accomplishments under their belt don't consider reproducing to be the greatest one and I can understand that too. I just can't quite wrap my head around your children being the worst thing you ever did... Ever.

Oh I think it's entirely possible to predict a pattern of behaviour, these things are repetitive.. but knowing how you would behave and how you would feel or experience the loss are not the same, and because you can predict you would suppress your grief outwardly effectively (having had lots of practice at it) doesn't really answer the question of whether it might be the worst experience of loss in your life. This necessarily cannot be known. In the end, does how well you hide your pain speak to the quality of an experience? I think the many bereaved parents the world over are testament to the fact that people continue with their lives, doing ordinary things, living life, gradually adapting to the loss etc, just as with any other bereavement. That doesn't mean losing a child is the same as any other loss and wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

yanbu it's a perfectly logical sentiment! It's probably not having them that you mean but just generally parenting?! I sympathise with you. Somedays it's just a bit shit (or even a lot shit!) but most days it's absolutely the most wonderful thing. I wouldn't say I've ever regretted having children but I think we all have days when we think 'what if' or 'what could I be doing if'