Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Getting creepy vibes from someone

80 replies

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 17:57

I'm not sure if this should be in here or in chat to be honest but here goes...

I play a particular sport. It's one of the few sports that's dominated by women and most of my team mates are obviously women. We do have a few blokes who come along as well and they are all great guys, there's one however who really gives me the creeps. I'm not sure why, but as soon as I met him I thought there was something "off" about him. I pushed this to one side and assumed maybe it was down to him having poor social skills or something, but I usually find socially awkward men quite endearing and sweet. Not this one, he seriously makes the hairs on my neck stand up.

He stares a lot, at me which I hate and also at the other girls, some of whom are still only in their teens (this man is about 40). He also invades personal space. None of which is a crime I know, but it makes me feel uneasy,

Anyway just that really. I've never told anyone on the team how I feel, and I won't. I'm always polite to this man, but my exchanges with him never go any further that "hello" and "goodbye". Not sure what I'm asking to be honest, AIBU to feel this way this way I suppose?

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 18:01

They always say "Trust your instincts" don't they? I'd say you're probably onto something and he's a bit weird. Staring at women is 'off' to start with. Keep your distance figuratively and literally, but don't say anything to anyone unless/until you're suspicions are justified by more evidence, as he may just be shy (clutching at straws)!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2014 18:04

Staring at teens when he is 40 sounds dodgy anyway and I would be having casual 'chats' about it to check out how the other women feel.

CruCru · 12/12/2014 18:05

I agree. If this guy gives you the creeps, trust yourself. You don't need to be rude to him but you can keep your distance.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:11

I don't think he's shy at all. Anything but really.

I suppose I'm questioning why he's chosen to get involved in a female heavy sport, though you could say that about any of the men who attend training with us I suppose.

OP posts:

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 18:16

I agree that you should trust your instincts. They are there for a reason.

I'm sure I've posted about this before but a few years ago I knew a man who just gave me the creeps. I could never figure out why but he just did. I barely spoke to him, he hadn't actually done anything to me but he just made my skin crawl and I had no idea why.

I was put in a situation where I had to be alone with him and everything inside me was telling me this was a bad idea and I had to get out of this situation. But I told myself I was being silly and told myself to get a grip. Then when we were alone together he raped me.

Now I will always follow my instincts. If someone is creeping me out or there is a situation that my instincts are just screaming at me to get out of then I will do.

I don't care how many feelings I hurt by doing this. My personal safety is more important than someone's hurt feelings.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 18:17

Sorry for making this about me again. I was trying to put across that this sort of thing is there for a reason and you should listen to it.

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 18:18

How dreadful for you Partridge. So sorry. Just shows that instincts are very useful and should be listened to.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2014 18:21

Partridge there aren't words. So sorry.

MaryWestmacott · 12/12/2014 18:25

Partridge - so sorry, have read your story on other "bad vibes" threads, so sad.

I believe in trusting your instincts. Be polite unless your given a reason not to be, but on your guard and avoid being alone with him or leaving team mates alone with him.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:26

Oh Partridge, I'm so sorry.

I am heavily involved in the pastoral side of things and I feel very protective towards the younger team members in particular. Their parents entrust them into our care and I feel I have a duty to look after them.

OP posts:

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 18:28

If you have a duty to look after them, is there any reason why you can't bring this up with anyone else? Maybe other people feel the same but just don't want to say it. At least then you'll know if it's just you.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 18:29

Partridge - so sorry, have read your story on other "bad vibes" threads, so sad.

Yeah, probably talk about it too much when threads like these come up but I do think it's important to trust your instincts.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:33

I very nearly told another team mate the other night when I had to give her a lift home, but chickened out. I suppose I'm worried that it'll come back on me somehow.

OP posts:

zoemaguire · 12/12/2014 18:35

I had a similar feeling about somebody who did some work on our house. Turned out he had several assault convictions, was not a well man at all and had at one point stalked a friend of a friend. I didn't listen to my instincts. Luckily I didn't pay the price for that, but I very easily could have done. It still makes me shiver to think how at risk I was, I was alone in the house with him and my children .

RandomFriend · 12/12/2014 18:36

Trust your instincts.

Is this man involved as a player, or supporter, or coach?

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 18:40

Is there any way one could do a 'check' on him? I mean a Police record check or some such? If he's in a group with younger women in it, perhaps you'd be justified in requesting this?

MaryWestmacott · 12/12/2014 18:42

Partridge, no not at all! It's important that woman don't get so hung up on being "nice to everyone" to ignore those feelings.

I talked to a group of friends a while ago about instincts, we were in a full/crowded pub. One man was being dismissive of instincts, and a female friend pointed out that looking round the very full room, there was only one man she might be able to "fight off" if they were alone and he chose to attack her, that in her day to day life, the bulk of men she met where stronger than her, and that being able to work out who was safe to be alone with and who was a danger is an important skill.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:44

He's a player, but not someone who's anywhere near playing a game standard yet. Despite this he never comes to watch our games, despite being entitled to free entry due to being a sub paying club member. He shows little interest in the sport or the rules or anything like that and seems to avoid the other men (all lovely blokes I might add!) and graduates towards the women.

The only time he ever shows any real enthusiasm is when we have our "socials". He suddenly becomes very keen then, one time we all went to a roller disco and he just stood on the sidles news staring at us. It was fucking weird looking back.

OP posts:

Tistheseasontobepissy · 12/12/2014 18:45

Trust your instincts and keep an eye in the younger girls.

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 12/12/2014 18:45

My friends daughter was groomed with intent to abuse, and is now in prison for it. He was netball coach of a teen team. You're right to be wary. He was a good looking guy, forty years old, charming, everyone liked him. Didn't fit the stereotype. Most predators don't which is why they get away with weird behaviour for so long. Always, always trust your instincts - your brain is picking up on stuff you haven't even,processed yet.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:47

HateSpiders, would you believe I've googled his name to see if there was any dirt on him. He has an unusual name and I think it would show up if he'd done anything dodgy in the past, but nothing.

OP posts:

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 12/12/2014 18:48

That does sound weird. I used to play a sport and because I wasn't the best player I didn't always get to play in the games however I still made an effort to go along to them even when I wasn't playing unless I really couldn't make it.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/12/2014 18:49

I'd definitely talk to someone about it, especially if you've got teenagers on the team. They might not be so tuned into their instincts and it would be awful if something did happen. It seems more suspicious that he doesn't seem so interested in the game/rules/improving but seems keen on socialising side only. You'd expect someone doing a sport would be just as keen on that part and the social aspect is a bonus.

IloveOreossx · 12/12/2014 18:51

Well not to be paranoid here but who says his name is whatever name he's given...? Also if he has previous convictions relating to assault or worse they don't generally make the press as they need to protect the victims identity. For what its worth partridge the same thing happened to me. I didn't trust my instincts. I do now.

Hatespiders · 12/12/2014 18:56

I suppose you could say to some of the others casually, "What do you make of X? He seems a bit 'out of his depth' (or 'unusual')" or some other kind of non-committal remark. This might open the floodgates if the others feel the same. If several have formed the same impression of him, you could collectively decide what if anything you could do about him.

Flip

1 2 3 4