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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting creepy vibes from someone

80 replies

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 17:57

I'm not sure if this should be in here or in chat to be honest but here goes...

I play a particular sport. It's one of the few sports that's dominated by women and most of my team mates are obviously women. We do have a few blokes who come along as well and they are all great guys, there's one however who really gives me the creeps. I'm not sure why, but as soon as I met him I thought there was something "off" about him. I pushed this to one side and assumed maybe it was down to him having poor social skills or something, but I usually find socially awkward men quite endearing and sweet. Not this one, he seriously makes the hairs on my neck stand up.

He stares a lot, at me which I hate and also at the other girls, some of whom are still only in their teens (this man is about 40). He also invades personal space. None of which is a crime I know, but it makes me feel uneasy,

Anyway just that really. I've never told anyone on the team how I feel, and I won't. I'm always polite to this man, but my exchanges with him never go any further that "hello" and "goodbye". Not sure what I'm asking to be honest, AIBU to feel this way this way I suppose?

OP posts:
Original poster
JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 18:56

Sorry to hear that Oreos. I will be listening to my instincts, something isn't right about this man. Trust me, I won't ever allow myself to left alone with him.

The real issue here I suppose is whether or. It I should tell someone else of my concerns? I don't really have much to go on though do I?

OP posts:
IloveOreossx · 12/12/2014 18:59

Don't tell anyone about your concerns (unless you have any real evidence) but keep an eye on everyone. Man, boy, girl or woman. Make sure no young girls (or women!) accept lifts off him etc. Btw, how does he invade personal space? Only just saw that x

IloveOreossx · 12/12/2014 19:00

If you're particularly close to any other members of the team id mention it as a passing comment like others have suggested. If others have concerns too it'll be better in a way as then there'll be 2 or more of you keeping an eye out.

CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 19:03

Could he just be really awkward and find other men intimidating? Lots of people get told to join clubs as a way of meeting people so that might be why he's not bothered about the sport.
Can't you use that law to check if he is on the sex offenders list? Also google search will not always bring up anything. See "right to be forgotten" it means even some convicted murders come up with nothing when googled. Very crappy human rights new thing.

CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 19:05

to that I'm saying he's a convicted murder or at least I hope not.

Could you maybe ask one of the men to get a different perspective?

CheeseBuster · 12/12/2014 19:05

*not that I'm saying...

ProjectGainsborough · 12/12/2014 19:10

I read a book, ages ago, called The Gift of Fear, which suggested that 'instincts' are the result of many tiny little cues that that you haven't consciously translated. Never finished the book as it all got a bit Oprah, but the idea seems plausible. I would trust your gut and find an opportunity to talk to one of the other adults about your fears.

Partridge, your story made my stomach lurch. I can so see myself obeying politeness above anything else. Please don't worry about mentioning it too much, a) never encountered your story before, b) wouldn't have mattered if I had - MN is about support!

Surreyblah · 12/12/2014 19:10

I would mention this to whoever is in charge of running the team: staring at women and invading personal space are good enough reasons for him to be asked to leave.

thursday · 12/12/2014 19:12

Definitely trust your instincts. There must be someone else you're fairly close to on the pastoral side? If his behaviour is that odd I think you're perfectly entitled to say 'do you get a weird vibe about X?' Chances are they do. You can't ask him to sod off for being vibey but shouldn't be up to you alone to worry about him and the teens.

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/12/2014 19:13

Does he not have to be DBS checked - perhaps it is time to get the people who run it to relook at their safeguarding policy and insist on checks for all the adults involved.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/12/2014 19:18

When I worked with ex-offenders, years ago, I did a lot of training. We spoke about feelings and how you had to be careful of them because of subconscious prejudices (racism, for example). Having said that, we were told NEVER to ignore instincts about people. I am absolutely sure it saved me once at least.

If you can be absolutely sure that the other women are safe, great. If not, you do need to talk to someone.

RandomFriend · 12/12/2014 19:21

He shows little interest in the sport or the rules or anything like that and seems to avoid the other men (all lovely blokes I might add!) and graduates towards the women.

That really does sound like he is there for the wrong reasons. I think you should sound out some of the others. You'll probably find you are not alone in your views.

Invading the personal space of others is enough for you to get one of the other men to have a word with him.

famalam · 12/12/2014 19:30

Please tell someone what you have told us here, I doubt your alone thinking these things

Original poster
JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 19:30

He invades my personal space by standing a little too close for comfort, if that makes sense? At first I thought it was just general social awkwardness, but now I don't think it is.

I have a DBS because I work with kids in my day job, all of the coaching staff and adults in charge also have one. The teens who attend are all over 16 so not technically minors, but are still very vulnerable.

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 12/12/2014 19:38

Do the other adults involved as occasional players have a DBS?

How about informing him that the club is going to get this for all the adults?

It seems to me that he is more interested in the social side of things rather than the sport.

Andrewofgg · 12/12/2014 19:40

DBS checked to join a private group? I doubt it.

OP Tell him in plain terms that he is standing too close to you and stares at teenagers and should not. You will probably frighten him out altogether.

Andrewofgg · 12/12/2014 19:43

In any case DBS can mean no more than "never got caught". I don't think a private sports club can ask DBS for its members to be checked (nor should it be allowed) and asking all the adults if they have one would be grossly unfair because not having one usually means only that you've never done a job that needs one.

WookieCookiee · 12/12/2014 19:56

Who takes up a team sport, but isn't interested in the rules, how the team performs or improving personal performance? There's something off here.

I'd say from your posts that he has taken this sport up solely to improve his social life, and particularly to meet women.

Yes. as PP call him on standing so close to you and see what he says; can you sound out other women with "how do you think so-and-so is doing?" and see what comes of it?

Surreyblah · 12/12/2014 20:04

op shouldn't confront him. Might put her at risk. If there are vulnerable people in the group, the correct course of action is to speak to the person or people in charge. They can then investigate and get advice if they need it.

She won't be the only one to think he is behaving inappropriately (at best).

Original poster
JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 20:29

I'll see what happens next week at training. I usually give another woman a lift, she's pretty trust worthy and a lot of people seem to go to her if they are having problems. I may mention it to her.

The thing is, joining a team to improve your social life and meet new people isn't a crime is it? It's why I joined in the first place, the difference is I found myself become really interested in the sport itself and the progress of the team. I know the rules, I've been to watch other teams play and I even watch games on YouTube. It's the same for everyone else, you join and get sucked in lol. This man is probably the exception in that he seems to have no interest in our games or our progress.

OP posts:
misskangaandroo2014 · 12/12/2014 20:53

Is it derby? (nosey).
Definitely talk to someone about your unease. If there is something 'off' it might help you define it.

Original poster
JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 21:05

How did you guess it was derby? I suppose it was obvious really, it's probably the only female dominated sport, apart from netball and I can't really imagine men doing that.

I suppose now you know what I mean about him staring. Derby is about empowering women, a lot of players wear hotpants and shorts with fishnet tights or knee hight socks things like that. I've never felt uncomfortable around the other men in my derby garb, ever. I do around him though.

Strangely I've recently heard of another team where a man was kicked out for making inappropriate remarks to the women. I suppose a sport where women wear fishnet tights is going to attract the odd weirdo though.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 12/12/2014 21:08

This is not market research, just curiosity, I'm not going to go looking for a local team!

But please, what the hell is this game involving hotpants and fishnet tights?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/12/2014 21:23

I have just googled Derby. How interesting, I had never heard of it before.

misskangaandroo2014 · 12/12/2014 21:28

I am not derby, but have friends who are. (Sorry, I couldn't resist).
It is important for team members to all feel connected, is there noone he's actually chatty with?
If not I'd be looking for some more assertive / defined roles to be getting an idea of what he's hoping to get, how he's found it do far etc.(essentially getting a feel for his social skills, backstory) Last nosey. Are you in the Midlands I know (more than)one super assertive CCDD?