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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting creepy vibes from someone

80 replies

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 17:57

I'm not sure if this should be in here or in chat to be honest but here goes...

I play a particular sport. It's one of the few sports that's dominated by women and most of my team mates are obviously women. We do have a few blokes who come along as well and they are all great guys, there's one however who really gives me the creeps. I'm not sure why, but as soon as I met him I thought there was something "off" about him. I pushed this to one side and assumed maybe it was down to him having poor social skills or something, but I usually find socially awkward men quite endearing and sweet. Not this one, he seriously makes the hairs on my neck stand up.

He stares a lot, at me which I hate and also at the other girls, some of whom are still only in their teens (this man is about 40). He also invades personal space. None of which is a crime I know, but it makes me feel uneasy,

Anyway just that really. I've never told anyone on the team how I feel, and I won't. I'm always polite to this man, but my exchanges with him never go any further that "hello" and "goodbye". Not sure what I'm asking to be honest, AIBU to feel this way this way I suppose?

OP posts:

misskangaandroo2014 · 12/12/2014 21:32

And I'm not derby due to lousy fitness and this weird pain i get wearing skates. I am envious of the way my friends seem to float around in skates.

casperandjasper · 12/12/2014 21:49

Trust your instincts op.
I used to work with a man who on the face of it was fine but I felt I wouldn't have liked to be left alone in the office with him. He was just 'off' somehow.
When his name came up amongst female colleagues (and it hadn't been discussed before) all the women said they got similar vibes from him.
We may have all been wrong about him but better safe than sorry.

Mitzi50 · 12/12/2014 21:56

Trust your instincts - I used to get bad vibes from a man who was ostensibly very pleasant and polite ( other women commented he made them feel uneasy) - he is now serving time for raping a 15 year old girl.

Looseleaf · 12/12/2014 22:08

I had a bad vibe once about two strangers and turned out to be right and they tried to gran me but I sprinted. I was 18 and in those days fast.
My cousin on the other hand is completely safe and I speak to evrry day as he is on his own but he would stare without realising or stand too close and he has mental health issues and heavy medication plus very lonely so would try to join sports groups/ anything to get out. But has a heart of gold, just gets body language wrong. Though mind you he wouldn't choose a mainly female group which does sound more ominous.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 22:11

He chats with everyone, but no one seems to be really friendly with him if that makes sense? We are all passionate about the sport but he doesn't really make any effort. I don't really understand why he comes to be honest.

OP posts:

misskangaandroo2014 · 12/12/2014 22:14

He does sound 'out of step' which makes it strange because from what I've gleaned it requires commitment and a strong sense of team (plus being gleeful about bruises and breaks).

SolidGoldBrass · 12/12/2014 22:22

There are various reasons why he could be a bit 'odd'. I know a couple of people with acquired head injuries and they are harmless but socially inept (impolite, go on and on and on about stuff, don't read social cues etc). But as he doesn't seem to be participating in the group other than hanging around staring and slobbering, it probably wouldn't be that unreasonable for whoever runs it to suggest gently that he might be happier socialising elsewhere.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 22:31

I wouldn't even say he's a bit odd though. I'd say on the face of it he seems like a perfectly pleasant, affable chap.

OP posts:

Fiftyplusmum · 12/12/2014 22:32

I would split into two teams, by age, which meet on different nights. eg under 25s and over 25s. He sounds pervy.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 22:41

Unfortunately I don't have the power to do that Fiftyplusmum. I keep wishing this man would realise the sport is not for him and give up.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/12/2014 22:51

DBS to join a private group. I doubt it

Yeah. I own a ltd company and we work with all sorts of people, and all my staff, volunteers and trainers have to have DBS checks. I am well aware that it can mean 'never got caught'...however it is the only method we have.

If there is no safeguarding policy in place, particularly with young women who seem here to be dressing up in fishnets, then i really think they need to relook at their policies. The organisers still have a duty of care to all their attendees, no matter what age.

Babycham1979 · 12/12/2014 23:02

I really can't believe the OP, nor the responses here! For fuck's sake, this could be a completely innocent man with poor social skills. For whatever reason, you've taken a dislike to him and, therefore, he's a danger?! Grow the fuck up!

Prejudice doesn't just have to be based on race or sex. Does anyone here remember Cristopher Jeffires, the entirely innocent man who was slandered by the press and fingered for murder because he was 'a bit odd'? This kind of village vigilante mentalists is exactly what drove the Salam witch trials.

Believe it or not, some of your team-mates may well have the same 'bad vibes' about you. Does that mean you, too, should be ostracised and treated with suspicion?

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 12/12/2014 23:15

Babycham kindly go and read some of the other posts on here from mumsnetters who ignored their instincts and were the victims of serious sexual assaults before telling people to "grow the fuck up".

Having poor social skills doesn't give anyone the right to make someone else feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:

dwarfrabbit · 12/12/2014 23:22

don't just trust your instincts, but act on them. Speak to the young girls and see what they feel, and then ask the coach/organiser to tell him to stop what he is doing ( ie. staring at young girls). If he doesn't, he can be asked to leave your group.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2014 23:28

Yes trust your gut, talk to others about your concerns. Make sure nobody is alone with him, especially the younger members. It seems strange that he is nit really interested in the sport, çould be an ulterior motive. babycham have you read partridge post!

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 12/12/2014 23:50

As somebody mentions, there should be a safeguarding policy really.

Are there conditions of membership? Is there an organiser who is responsible for pastoral care? If there isn't, you need to make sure they implement both conditions of membership and procedures to follow in case of complaints.

If I were you, I would speak to one of the organisers/secretaries confidentially and say there is a team member who makes you feel uncomfortable, that he stares at you and that he invades your personal space in a way that you find intrusive. It is deterring you from participating fully in the team. Make sure you are specific, that you own the complaint and that you want it on record.

lowcrabdiet · 13/12/2014 08:42

How established is your league? The UKRDA have just sent out a draft safeguarding policy that all leagues are looking at signing up to so this kind of discussion should be taken fairly seriously by the Board of Directors of your league right now.

I'm in a very well established and well run league, but I've been there from the early days, before BODs and safeguarding were even considered. Derby does attract a wide variety of people, it's recent resurgence was all about counter culture so often the people who are attracted to it are differnt from the norm.

There are quite a few people who have joined our league over the years whose social skills have left a heck of a lot to be desired.

Maybe this guy is awkward, maybe he is a risk ypu.might never know but personally I would certainly be speaking to my friends in the league to see if they felt the same way as me. If I felt strongly enough I would be raising my concern with a senior member of the league so that they could address the issue formally with this guy and ask him to modify his behaviour.

If you would like to pm me I'm happy to talk about this more

Beangarda · 13/12/2014 08:54

The Christopher Jefferies case was awful, I agree, but he was suspected and pilloried largely by the press and people who didn't know him on an entirely spurious basis, whereas the OP has quite a lot of grounds, when you put it all together, on which to base her suspicions of her team mate's 'interest' in her sport. What exactly she should do is more difficult, but I agree with previous posters who say that women are socially encouraged away from acting on such instincts, often to their own detriment.

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 13/12/2014 09:05

Wow Babycham have you even read the thread? Did you miss my first post?

ThereIsAPartridgeInTheKitchen · 13/12/2014 09:07

Also Babycham maybe this man is harmless but like I've already said I don't care if I hurt anyone's feelings if they give me the creeps and I stay away from them. It might sound harsh but personal safety always comes before any hurt feelings in my book.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 13/12/2014 09:11

It's a fairly newish league lowcrabdiet, so it's all still a bit make it up as we go along. It's more than just an issue of poor social skills with this man as well, as you've said derby does attract people who are bit different, lots of altertative types with with tattoos and piercings and dyed blue hair etc. This man isn't really like that, he's almost preppy in his appearance. He doesn't really understand the sport or seem to have any interest in it either, never comes to our off skates rules sessions for example.

OP posts:

Hissy · 13/12/2014 09:33

speak to your team mate. see what she says/thinks.

I think you'll find you're not the only one

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2014 09:38

so it's all still a bit make it up as we go along

No matter how new, the organisers have a duty of care to the members.

I can't stress this enough. Before we even had partners come to speak to us about joint working we had a safeguarding policy in place, and we had both been on safeguarding training - which incidently is given free by our city council...and DBS checks.

If I were you, I'd ask my closest friends their thoughts on what would happen if someone was acting weirdly - and what 'weirdly' means - and what they would do about it, and together go to the organisers and ask what measures they have in place to safeguard their members.

Original poster

JudgeyHotPants · 13/12/2014 09:51

I suppose this man hasn't really done anything other than give me the creeps, but I've got to do with my instincts here, better to be safe than sorry. I'm going to bring it up with another team member in the week and see what she says, not come out and say he gives me the creeps but maybe probe her for her opinion on him and see what she says.

OP posts:

EBearhug · 13/12/2014 09:56

I would ask other adults around the group, probably in the sense of, "How do you think X is getting on?" and if someone asks why, just mention that he doesn't seem to know the rules after all this time, rather than, "Don't you think he's a creepy weirdo?" even though that's what you really want to know.

I might also talk to him, in a, "how are you getting along?" sort of way, and if he says fine, I might mention that I had noticed he didn't seem to have the hang of the rules yet, after coming for however long, so I was wondering if it was really the sport for him, and if so, then maybe he could make the effort to come to the next rules session, and possibly say if not, he's not going to be welcome any more. I realise this is far easier said than done, though, but it will lay the ground for telling him not to come longer term. Of course, there is the risk it will backfire, in that he turns up to the rules session, and actually does take an interest, but if he were doing that, he wouldn't seem so weird anyway.

And if he were invading body space, I'd definitely say, "Please don't stand so close" - we're socialised not to make others feel uncomfortable by pointing these things out, but if it's making you uncomfortable, you do need to say something, and it will let others know it's okay to say something in the same position, if done politely. It might make you feel uncomfortable to start with, but it's not going to be any worse than you feel with him invading your space.

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