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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dhtb to go to this funeral?

86 replies

ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:23

We are getting married on 23rd December. Dhtb works in a job that involves shifts. He is away four days a week. He is due to come home on the 22nd. He is picking my auntie up on route home and it usually takes him about 1 1/2 hours to get home so would be home mid morning. This same day we have his family arriving and some people fixing our roof. We also have a 3yo ds and are going away for Christmas, leaving on Christmas Eve.

There has been a very sad death at dh work, not someone he was close to though and not on his shift. The funeral is at midday on the 22nd and he wants to go. This means he won't be home till around 5.30. I have asked him not to go as I don't want to be doing everything on my own on the day before the wedding. I won't be able to leave the house due to the builders being here and all will have to be done with a three year old in tow. It might not be so bad if it wasn't for the builders.

He doesn't understand my point of view and says everyone on his shift is going. I told him no one else on his shift is getting married the next day and that I'm sure they'd understand. As a point of note he missed his granddads funeral to go on holiday. I know I'm perhaps being a bit selfish but aibu to ask not to go?

OP posts:
SpringBreaker · 11/12/2014 08:27

I think if everyone else on the shift is going then he should show his respects too. Let the builders get on with things. They are are fixing your roof, not robbing your house.

The holiday and his grandads funeral, I imagine if it was short notice he would have lost all of his holiday and not be able to claim any of it back. Personally I would have probably gone to the funeral but understandable to miss it if an expensive holiday was already paid for.

Dumpylump · 11/12/2014 08:29

Perhaps he has felt bad about missing his grandads funeral ever since and has decided he doesn't want to be in that position again?

DrSethHazlittMD · 11/12/2014 08:31

You're not unreasonable for thinking it but I'm not sure you should try and insist he doesn't go. It is surprising how different deaths can hit people in different ways. A friend of mine was dreadfully upset when someone at her work died, someone she didn't know terribly well. But this was the first person she knew who had died round about her age as opposed to someone much older and it really shook her, more than the death of a relative a few months earlier.

You have a small boy, his family arriving, him collecting your auntie, your roof fixed, all the Christmas stuff and having your roof fixed all at the same time. You probably had more than enough to cope with before the question of the funeral, but then I always think life is mad enough this time of year and throwing a wedding in that mix seems mad (but I hope you have a fabulous one)!

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:32

But I will have had four days by myself trying to do stuff and then will have six members of his family to entertain plus final day preparations.
I would have liked some time to relax a bit so I don't look my usual harassed overtired self on the actual wedding day. Doesn't look like I'm going to get it does it.
I could understand if it was someone on his shift or a friend but it's not, there are around 100 ish people where he woks.

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:35

The roof fixed thing wasn't planned as we had a bloody goose crash land on it!
I know I can't insist he doesn't go really but I get the feeling it's because everyone else is rather than he is deeply affected. His job means he see some pretty horrible things and he is a pretty tough cookie.

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 11/12/2014 08:37

I can understand why you want him home but why can't you leave the builders to it?

DustInTheWind · 11/12/2014 08:37

You seem to have planned an enormous amount of thigs to be happening within one week, why on earth do that?
If he wants to go and be with his workmates and show respect to his ex-colleague, you shouldn't object.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 11/12/2014 08:37

I may be being a bit unsympathetic here but, given that you say the deceased wasn't a friend of your DP, I would be thinking he's wanting to go because everyone on his shift is.

So YANBU.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 11/12/2014 08:38

cross posts. Yes I do think that's it, in which case he's being pretty selfish and it's not a great start to married life.

DustInTheWind · 11/12/2014 08:39

'His job means he see some pretty horrible things and he is a pretty tough cookie.'

Often the sense of being part of a team is what helps people handle a challenging job. Attending a funeral is one of those binding rituals.

starfishmummy · 11/12/2014 08:40

Yabu. Of course he should go if he wants to.

throckenholt · 11/12/2014 08:43

6 members of his family - co-opt some of them to help with DS and any other things that need doing ?

Try and relax - don't let it spoil your big day.

MidniteScribbler · 11/12/2014 08:44

It's a funeral, not a night out on the drink with his workmates. Good grief, how DARE that person choose to die and have their funeral the day before your wedding. What an arsehole. Didn't they know it was your special day?

ohdearitshappeningtome · 11/12/2014 08:46

How inconsiderate of that person to die/his family arrange a funeral that isn't convenient to you.

Sometimes it's just a matter of respecting the death of. Person, who happens to be a colleague. Supporting his colleagues!!
A friend of mine from work, her mum died a lot of us went to her funeral, should we have not because we didn't know the mum personally? I

Lostriver · 11/12/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lostriver · 11/12/2014 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nerf · 11/12/2014 08:50

Well, your auntie won't need entertaining as her arrival will be delayed/ ring dh's family now and ask if they can take DS to soft play/pantomime/xmas shopping for you. Lost everything that needs doing for the wedding and get a sensible family member to do it with you. Builders will be outside so no worries there.

APlaceInTheWinter · 11/12/2014 08:51

I don't think YABU. He's getting married the next day. He has guests. He has builders. He has a DS. The prior commitments were made by both of you so I don't see why you should have to shoulder the burden alone especially when it's making you stressed. I'm guessing if the situations were reversed then you wouldn't be attending your colleague's funeral as you'd feel you had to meet your prior commitments. I don't understand why that isn't the case for him too.

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:54

Sorry just realised I've put the wrong information it's the brother of someone on a different shift at his work. The brother does the same job but elsewhere.

I know I can't really asking him not to go but I do feel like I'm the one constantly doing everything, constantly saying "oh don't worry about me". Perhaps that's why he doesn't.

His family probably will help to be fair, maybe I'll ask his mum and sister if they can come earlier. Mind you they are always always late and bring three dogs along with them.

They were meant to staying here for Christmas but due to lots of other circumstances didn't book accommodation and so now we are going to stay with them. The Christmas wedding date was dhtbs idea, probably because he does none of the Christmas stuff. He volunteered me yo cook on Christmas Day too, he seems to think I'm some sort of Wonder Woman. Lucky his mum said don't be ridiculous and we are all sharing duties so can have time with ds.

OP posts:
Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 08:56

Can he arrange childcare for the day?

TooHasty · 11/12/2014 08:57

It doesn't matter who it is .If your DH wants to go, then you need to respect that.

WhaddayWant · 11/12/2014 08:58

I think he probably feelshe has to go. I'd ask him to leave as soon as possible though.

I would ask for help from his family. If you explain I would hope someone would watch your DC. If not then it's reasonable for you to not be the best host.

The roofers probably won't cause any problems.explain the situation and I'm sure they won't mind if you don't offer countless cup of teas.

If it's just the childcare then are you able to get a babysitter to help.

I'm sure you will be ok - it does sound hectic but you still have a good while to go.

It's a long wait for the funeral isn't it?

Ps Have a lovely wedding Thanks

hoobypickypicky · 11/12/2014 08:59

"Didn't they know it was your special day?"

Oh goodness me, all this vitriol towards the OP is ridiculous. Like it or not, yes it is her special day.

How dare she carry on with the job of living, raising a child, improving a home and getting married just prior to Christmas and actually expect her partner and father of her child to assist in the proceedings and the care of their jointly created child and his family?

The deceased wasn't an immediate colleague of her DH to be nor was he a close friend. Others from the company are attending so it's not as if the deceased's company aren't going to be represented and while we know that it's a comfort to the living to see familiar faces at the funeral the absence, for good reason, of a vaguely/barely known one surely isn't going to cause them trauma. And let's face it, unkind as it sounds, the deceased isn't going to care is he?

ineedsomeinspiration YANBU and under the circumstances you'd be perfectly justified in telling your DH to be that if he attends the funeral you can hold the fort at home with your child and the builders and you can deal with the wedding preparations alone but something has to give and so he will have to tell his six family members that due to his need to attend an acquaintance's funeral you won't be able to host them this year.

WhaddayWant · 11/12/2014 09:02

I agree with Hooby. Some PPs are a bit Confused

CatsClaus · 11/12/2014 09:04

You'll be too busy catching up with the rellies to bother about him being missing for five hours...let the man go

leave the roofers to it, and if they need anything it seems you have a houseful of responsible adults to advise

Get a simple meal going, big giant casserole, put auntie in charge of cups of tea, someone else in charge of opening the wine and relax

the wedding and christmas are coming whether you're ready or not so you may as well enjoy and not stress.