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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dhtb to go to this funeral?

86 replies

ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:23

We are getting married on 23rd December. Dhtb works in a job that involves shifts. He is away four days a week. He is due to come home on the 22nd. He is picking my auntie up on route home and it usually takes him about 1 1/2 hours to get home so would be home mid morning. This same day we have his family arriving and some people fixing our roof. We also have a 3yo ds and are going away for Christmas, leaving on Christmas Eve.

There has been a very sad death at dh work, not someone he was close to though and not on his shift. The funeral is at midday on the 22nd and he wants to go. This means he won't be home till around 5.30. I have asked him not to go as I don't want to be doing everything on my own on the day before the wedding. I won't be able to leave the house due to the builders being here and all will have to be done with a three year old in tow. It might not be so bad if it wasn't for the builders.

He doesn't understand my point of view and says everyone on his shift is going. I told him no one else on his shift is getting married the next day and that I'm sure they'd understand. As a point of note he missed his granddads funeral to go on holiday. I know I'm perhaps being a bit selfish but aibu to ask not to go?

OP posts:
Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:06

Just read OP's second post. It's not his colleague who has passed away and so there is no reason for DH to attend funeral. All DH's work mates are attending the wedding as a way of supporting the colleague through the death of his brother. However they will all understand that wedding prep has to take priority. DH has to put your needs first this time. If it had been a friend or relative that had passed away, it would have been totally different. But he doesn't know the colleague as a friend and he definitely didn't know the brother.

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 11/12/2014 09:07

I can understand you not wanting to have to entertain his family, but he is a grown adult and he wants to go somewhere that is important to him in some way. I don't think you should be standing in his way. It's his choice and he is not a child, and you are not his keeper.
You can maybe ask his family to entertain themselves whilst you have some time to yourself. And let the builder get on with things.
I think you have planned too much in a short time too. It all sounds very stressful. Hope you have a lovely day though, and that you get to pamper yourself and relax afterwards too. Flowers

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:08

ohdearitshappeningtome
I'm not saying it's inconsiderate of person to die or the family, I actually said it was very said. He had a young family and I think dhtb relates to this.

I have been very laid back so far about everything to do with wedding I'm not some bridezilla at all.

OP posts:
Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:10

DH is basically intent on attending the funeral of someone he's never clapped eyes on in order to support someone who he never sees.

SouthernComforts · 11/12/2014 09:11

What Cat said. You've got a hell of a lot going on so everyone is going to have to chip in and help. I'm sure if you say "does anyone mind if I go and have a bath/hour rest upstairs" they will understand!

APlaceInTheWinter · 11/12/2014 09:12

I mean this kindly - you have to stop picking up whatever he throws at you. You're not Wonder Woman and he has no right to expect you to be.

This issue seems bigger than him attending a funeral.

Honestly you need to value your time and stress levels so practise saying 'no' to him. Stop telling him 'not to worry about you'. He's the one person who definitely should be worrying about you. There are no prizes for being a martyr, you'll just be slowly run into the ground typing from experience and hence possibly projecting a bit

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 11/12/2014 09:14

"But I will have had four days by myself trying to do stuff and then will have six members of his family to entertain plus final day preparations.
I would have liked some time to relax a bit so I don't look my usual harassed overtired self on the actual wedding day. Doesn't look like I'm going to get it does it."

Do you realise how selfish and unpleasant this makes you sound? Playing the martyr over a funeral, lovely.

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:15

Wedding was originally meant to be earlier in December but is dhtbs nieces 16 th birthday and they said they wouldn't come if around that date so we moved it. Had to work around dhtbs shifts and the time he could take off work.

He hasn't worked at this location for that long(12 months) previously did the same job elsewhere but relocated due to cuts.

Sorry if I'm drip feeding but my brains a bit like a sieve at the moment!

OP posts:
Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:16

Blimey how many funerals would I have attended this year if I attended every vaguely known colleagues relatives funeral. Possibly 12 funerals in total I suspect.

I think its inappropriate he's there actually

Longdistance · 11/12/2014 09:17

As soon as he gets in at 5.30 after the funeral. Throw ds at him, walk out to the warm and cosy pub, and chill. Then start again when you stagger walk through the door.

Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:18

Yesididmean - it's not a friend, relative or colleague that's passed away.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 11/12/2014 09:19

In the case of the drip feed....

Have you actually asked him why he feels he needs to go when you clearly struggling with preparations at home?

APlaceInTheWinter · 11/12/2014 09:19

YesIDidMean your post sounds pretty unpleasant to me, not the OP's. Hmm

OP isn't playing the martyr over a funeral. She's asking her DP to step up and stop expecting her to carry the plans that he makes. Her DP doesn't even know the person who has died and does not work with them. He has no need to go to the funeral and it's a bit disingenuous to assume that everyone who attends a funeral is upset or emotionally invested in it. Sometimes people attend funerals out of duty. In this case, the OP's DP's sense of duty should lie with the OP and his own family.

DixieNormas · 11/12/2014 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outofcontrol2014 · 11/12/2014 09:20

If the funeral is at midday, there is no need for him to stay until 5.30. He can attend the service, and grab a couple of nibbles afterwards then head home to you much earlier. The drinks/food reception part is much more optional than the service and people will understand if he doesn't drink and slopes off two or three hours earlier than others since he has a wedding to attend.

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:21

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually

Selfish and unpleasant are two things I am not. I don't think there's one person in rl who would describe me as such.
I moved my wedding date for someone else with no complaints.
I didn't attend dhtbs fathers funeral as he didn't wants ds there and there was no one else to baby sit. I was quite close to his dad but I understood. What a bloody selfish person I am.

OP posts:
TinLizzie · 11/12/2014 09:24

Your dhtb is coming home alive and well, and that's really all that matters. Ask anyone bereaved at this time of year whether they'd be spitting feathers over a few hours and you'll have your answer.

YANBU, BUT ultimately, nothing else matters.

Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:25

Attending a funeral of someone you don't know who is the brother of someone you don't know seems to wander into voyeurism territory for me

Most of the people at DH's work place will have a stronger connection with the colleague because they will have previously worked with him

Alphonso · 11/12/2014 09:25

yanbu to feel pissed off. Sounds like things are hectic and it's a bummer to have to add something else into the mix when you are already struggling and stressed, especially something that is completely beyond your control. However, ywbu to try and stop him going, I think, even if he was not close to the person who has died. If he wants to go he wants to go and there is no second opportunity to attend a funeral. Hope you can co opt lots of help and the wedding is amazing.

Sapph1e · 11/12/2014 09:25

I agree with Pelican.

All things being equal - of course the man would have the right to decide whether to go or not and that should and would be respected. But all things are NOT equal and his priorities should be different. They need to be different. He's not attending to mourn the deceased, he's attending in support of fellow colleague(s?) It's simply not appropriate for him to put their needs above his partner's the day before his wedding! And that's without the extra stuff going on in and around.

I'd be having strong words, OP. (PS. Lol at the crash-landing goose!!)

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:26

poster outofcontrol2014
It's a couple of hours from home. He then is picking my auntie up. A job he volunteered for not one he was asked to do. She probably would have got the train

OP posts:
TinLizzie · 11/12/2014 09:27

I just think you need some perspective and given all you have on your plate, it's likely you might lose it!! Relax, and remember to take some time out of your day for you where you can. And you're going on holiday. Can't be all bad! Cut dhtb some slack on this one - it must be important to him.

Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 09:29

Tin - yes everyone should be grateful for their health and to have lived ones around. It's still not appropriate to wonder round attending unknown people's funerals though

APlaceInTheWinter · 11/12/2014 09:32

OP ask your MIL and SIL to come earlier, and be completely open and honest about why you need them to help. Then make your New Year's Resolution to stop being a people-pleaser. It will make everyone much happier in the long-run if you take care of yourself by learning to say 'no'.

I hope you have a fabulous wedding Thanks

cardamomginger · 11/12/2014 09:32

Given all the circumstances, I kind of think YANBU.

Just thinking though whether there could be any repercussions for him at work amongst his colleagues if he doesn't attend??

I think sending some flowers with a thoughtful note to his family would be sufficient and/or a donation to an appropriate charity (maybe your DH could arrange a collection at work?) again with a note to the family.