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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dhtb to go to this funeral?

86 replies

ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 08:23

We are getting married on 23rd December. Dhtb works in a job that involves shifts. He is away four days a week. He is due to come home on the 22nd. He is picking my auntie up on route home and it usually takes him about 1 1/2 hours to get home so would be home mid morning. This same day we have his family arriving and some people fixing our roof. We also have a 3yo ds and are going away for Christmas, leaving on Christmas Eve.

There has been a very sad death at dh work, not someone he was close to though and not on his shift. The funeral is at midday on the 22nd and he wants to go. This means he won't be home till around 5.30. I have asked him not to go as I don't want to be doing everything on my own on the day before the wedding. I won't be able to leave the house due to the builders being here and all will have to be done with a three year old in tow. It might not be so bad if it wasn't for the builders.

He doesn't understand my point of view and says everyone on his shift is going. I told him no one else on his shift is getting married the next day and that I'm sure they'd understand. As a point of note he missed his granddads funeral to go on holiday. I know I'm perhaps being a bit selfish but aibu to ask not to go?

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:32

TinLizzie

I'm sure you're right and it will all be fine. Doesn't help ds is being a little toad at the moment.

OP posts:
cardamomginger · 11/12/2014 09:33

If things could get 'political' at work, then him arranging a charity whip-round will show that he's not being an uncaring bastard.

Sapph1e · 11/12/2014 09:37

Sorry, but LOL @ Dixie and Pelican. They're good points. I imagine most people who go to random funerals are simply there for the food andwineandcraic

TinLizzie · 11/12/2014 09:39

Pelicangiraffe

I totally agree, as it happens. I just think it's not worth OP having a massive fallout on top of everything else. He's being a bit selfish tbh, but having a barney about it won't help OP and only adds to stress. She can have a barney later, when they're on their honeymoon!!

londonrach · 11/12/2014 09:40

I wouldnt stop anyone going to a funeral even if its someone you dont know. Someone dying close to your age can effect you more than someone close. Its strange how each funeral effects each person. He may be going to support the brother of the deceased. Does sound like you got alot one. The roof, builders let them get on with it. Whos picking aunty up now. Can she take a taxi. Can one of your friends watch ds for a few hours giving you some time. He be back at 5.30pm so its not that late and he could have been working till then. How much wedding prep will there be before the day. Could your bridesmaids help. Break tasks down and ask for help. And congratulations on your wedding. Flowers

MissDuke · 11/12/2014 09:44

If all info here is correct, and stbdh really doesn't know this guy - or the deceased brother - then yanbu! Don't think there is much you can do though :-(

I am with the pp who said it is odd when randomers turn up at a funeral - do families really want strangers present to witness their grief and upset? Wouldn't have thought so :-/ I am sure it is well intentioned, but I do find it strange.

MidniteScribbler · 11/12/2014 09:47

How dare she carry on with the job of living, raising a child, improving a home and getting married just prior to Christmas and actually expect her partner and father of her child to assist in the proceedings and the care of their jointly created child and his family?

The service for a funeral goes for about an hour at the most. If he went to the service, even if he skipped the wake, then he'd only be gone for a few hours at the most. Surely the OP can manage to keep everything together for a few hours in his absence?

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 09:58

I don't want to say what dh does for a job as I don't want anyone from deceased persons family to recognise so I'm going to try and be careful how I put this. It might explain better why he wants to go. I've just had another chat with him about it.

His job is one that involves a uniform and one that means you work in a very close environment with your colleagues. There will be a large uniformed presence at this funeral as deceased did same job. Lots of others who didn't know deceased personally going. Also they were at training together some 12 years ago, not close and only seen each other in passing since. Colleague did not die whilst doing the job.

Dhtb wants to be part of this uniformed presence and attend the service to pay respect to family and also because it's the "done" thing. He will not go to the wake. He says he is torn as to what to do. I think he is worried about what others may think if he doesn't go. I told him if he could to talk to one of his colleagues and get there perspective may help him decide. He did say there won't be that much that needs doing will there and seemed shocked when I listed everything.

Have told him to do what he feels best and that I'll ask mil and sil to come early and help. Although it's hectic when they visit we do get along.

OP posts:
LionWings · 11/12/2014 10:00

I know where you are coming from, DH has done similar in the past (although with a wedding rather than a funeral).

In any other circumstances you would obviously understand but this time it really sounds like you need his support both by being there physically and emotionally. If you can't make him understand this, then I hope you do get some help from his family or do you have any friends who could take your DS for a couple of hours? It's really hard trying to organise things / run errands etc with a 3 year old - they can only take so much!

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 10:00

MidniteScribbler

He will have been away for four days prior to this and funeral is around two hours away so I won't just have to cope for an hour or so.

OP posts:
Tinkerball · 11/12/2014 10:01

I think you were mad for agreeing to a December wedding in the first place, since you said it was his idea.

CheeseBuster · 11/12/2014 10:01

YABU. And your not supposed to see each other the day before anyway!

londonrach · 11/12/2014 10:04

Your last update means im even more sure he should go.

QuietTinselTardis · 11/12/2014 10:07

Yesididmean really? Selfish and unpleasant to want to look nice on your wedding day instead of tired and haggard? Really?
I feel for the op. She's stuck between a rock and a hard place really.

Original poster
ineedsomeinspiration · 11/12/2014 10:09

I know CheeseBuster I was meant to be going to my mums once he arrived home to take over care of ds and relatives.

OP posts:
mojo17 · 11/12/2014 10:11

Ok so now he is shocked about the amount of things to do
You really should share more op and delegate
I suggest have another sit down with a phone and delegate each and every task to someone ie you him his mum your aunts etc etc this list should also include your time to do what you need to do for yourself - hair relax etc
Phone them all up then and there sharing the calls and ask them all to hel
I'm sure everyone will pull together
Congrats

PourMyselfACupOfAmbition · 11/12/2014 10:13

I think he should go too.

I'm sorry it's a bloody misery on the eve of your wedding but it is the right thing for him to do.

Boomtownsurprise · 11/12/2014 10:59

Imo he should book it as holiday. If there's a lot of people attending from work the respect angle is covered already. One more uniform doesn't make any difference.

slithytove · 11/12/2014 12:19

Any chance you could pop ds into nursery for a couple of days?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/12/2014 13:00

Delegate, delegate, delegate.

Builders - nominate a relative to sort the builders out with tea/coffee/biscuits/washing up etc
DS - either pop him in nursery for a couple of days or nominate a relative to take him out. If he's at nursery, get relative to drop & collect
Wedding stuff - either delegate collections to relatives or delegate everything else so you can go out
Meals - again delegate or takeout. Pop the slow cooker on in the morning with a stew/casserole/bolognaise? If you don't have one, does a relative? Or use a relative to babysit DS and you and DHTB go out for a meal the night before?
Auntie - if she's useful then ask her to get the train down (as she was originally going to do). It'll also mean that DHTB will arrive home sooner too.

You've got plenty of time to organise this and get DHTB to help with chatting to his family about it. Get a plan in place. Loads of people will love to help with your wedding plans, they'll just need organising to be useful.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 11/12/2014 13:01

Oh, YANBU to ask DHTB not to go to the funeral, it's not someone he knows but maybe he's projecting missing his granddad's funeral onto this one. I wouldn't get into an argument about it so close to the wedding, but instead get him to help organise his relatives instead, so they're useful while he's at the funeral.

JADS · 11/12/2014 13:38

Op you sound very reasonable. Please ignore some of the pp - funeral posts often get a bit weird. I think it's good that he chats to his colleagues and gauge their reaction to him missing the funeral.

Can your aunt get the train still?

We recently had some roof work done. Don't under estimate the amount of dirt that can be generated. How useful are the 6 adults? I would rope them in to help out. Could one of them look after ds? Maybe a trip to park, soft play or to a cafe so he's out of the way.

At some point, you need to sit down with your dh and explain how much you do. I used to work away and It is really easy to forget how much the parent at home does. He needs to support you more.

Have a lovely wedding.

Bowlersarm · 11/12/2014 13:47

Could you ask your auntie to get the train now this has happened?

I think it's terrible timing for you but anyone who feels they should be at a funeral for whatever reason, should be.

Pelicangiraffe · 11/12/2014 13:52

I like the idea of him not going and having a whip round for a bench or charity or flowers.

Or ask him to chose between picking up aunt and attending funeral

GoodKingQuintless · 11/12/2014 13:59

Nothing worse at a funeral than a bunch of strangers and distant workmates who come to "mourn" together with close friends and family of the deceased.

Tasteless, in my book.

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