Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take his christmas money off him?

48 replies

waffilyversati1e · 10/12/2014 16:10

I am really upset so forgive me if this is a bit muddled.

I was just checking my online accounts and it appears that my 13 yr old has been helping himself to money from my account.
He knows my pin number because while I was pregnant and recently I had very limited mobility so I trusted him to pop to the shop for me to withdraw money from the ATM for other things.

It's not much - £10 x 5 times so £50 altogether over 2 months but I am self employed in a seasonal job and have 3 children (youngest being 3 months old) so it is money I will miss. It is money I won't have for Christmas now. He spent on sweets and drinks.

I have explained the implications of his theft on our family and told him that its unacceptable and that I want the money back. He did get pocket money but as I wasn't working I couldn't afford to give him any and just told him to ask if there was anything he needed - which he did.

The only money he will be getting in the forseeable future will be from people for Christmas. Would it be unreasonable to expect him to use this cash to cover what he has stolen??

OP posts:
ThirdPoliceman · 10/12/2014 16:13

I think it is a good idea that he repays what he has taken.

DoJo · 10/12/2014 16:15

I think it would depend on his reaction for me - is he contrite? Does he seem to understand how serious this is? Has he apologised? Or is he the one who has brought up the fact that you didn't give him pocket money as justification?
At his age, perhaps you could ask him what he things an appropriate punishment would be - you never know, he might offer to repay the money from his Christmas gifts or come up with something suitable as an alternative. If he is unrepentant, I would definitely take Christmas and any other money from him...

WeirdCatLady · 10/12/2014 16:16

I hope you have read him the riot act. What a betrayal of trust. I would be making sure you got the money back from him somehow. I'd be tempted to sell £50's worth of his stuff rather than him handing over christmas money as it will mean more to him. He is old enough to know what he did was wrong and to pay for it.

PortofinoVino · 10/12/2014 16:17

I wouldn't care if he was 'contrite' OR 'apologised'........he's still pay it back Shock

Pantone363 · 10/12/2014 16:19

I did the same thing when I was younger Blush

But only in £5 notes from one specific machine. Make him pay it back.

TheIronGnome · 10/12/2014 16:19

Definitly take his Christmas money, why wouldn't you?? He's had to go to quite a lot of trouble to take that money from you, and rather than making a rash judgement and taking it he's repeated it 5 times!!!

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/12/2014 16:21

Agree ^^

And change your pin!

Bulbasaur · 10/12/2014 16:26

He stole money from you, he needs to replace it.

SassySugarCane · 10/12/2014 16:26

He can't be trusted and does not deserve the money. Take it.

notagainffffffffs · 10/12/2014 16:31

Do you think its attention seeking? Maybe he feels a bit pushed out with new baby etc? I think rather than taking his xmas money away I would half his pocket money and pay it vack to myself over a couple of months iyswim

Sn00p4d · 10/12/2014 16:34

I did a similar thing at a similar age. I was being bullied within an inch of my life, the money was my attempt to buy them off. Not saying that's what's happening in this case but if you have a good relationship with him it's maybe worth doing some digging to check everything else is ok with him? It's inexcuseable, but that doesn't necesarrily mean it's been as selfish an act as it appears?

Mammanat222 · 10/12/2014 16:36

So had he actually been taking your card (without your consent) and taking the money?

If so then that to me is very devious and underhanded. It's the taking of the card + the taking of the money on several different occasions??

Very serious and needs to be punished, although I do accept that you need to explore why he did this as well as punish him.

I would try and work out a punishment together? Make him aware he has to repay money and give him some options

  1. Christmas money
  2. out of his pocket money
  3. work it off for you
iwantginsoakedXmas · 10/12/2014 16:39

He has to pay it back. No matter what the reasoning behind him taking it.

As Mammanat says - give him 3 options of ways to reimburse you - and make it clear that this is stealing.

Marmiteandjamislush · 10/12/2014 16:40

It is very serious. I would take his money off him and arrange for a community constable to visit as well and explain the consequences to him as well to be honest.

ouryve · 10/12/2014 16:47

He does need to pay it back, but you need to discuss with him how he can make that happen. If he's usually trustworthy and reasonable then there's a lot more to be gained by having a discussion with him in which he is given the opportunity to see what the problem is (more complex than just being stealing - there's the effect of that on your trust in him and your concerns about his ability to communicate honestly with you) and agrees that giving you his Christmas money is a way to remedy the problem, rather than it just being something that is done to him.

clearingaspaceforthecat · 10/12/2014 16:57

You know your son. Is he normally a good lad? Is this out of character? As well as reading him the riot act have you asked him why he did this?
I would probably reduce weekly pocket money rather than take Christmas money. Decide on a course of action and then follow through but don't let it take over Christmas for both of you.

Clutterbugsmum · 10/12/2014 17:03

I would make him work it off. So he see how hard it is for you to make £50.

Make a list of all the chores which need to be done and how much you will pay for him to do it.

You have explained to him the consequences of his actions and how wrong it is to take money from the family.

And yes change your pin number.

MunningCockery · 10/12/2014 17:12

I agree he needs to understand the seriousness of it and repay the money but I would also be concerned as to the why he did it. All 3 of my DS's know my pin - in fact my youngest just used it to buy giant bag of cat litter as I couldn't park outside the pet store - and none of them has ever abused it.

I however did steal from my 'D'F. I was in a horribly fucked up place, had suffered/suffering both SAbuse and general neglect and in hindsight can see it was a mad cry for just SOMEONE to fucking notice meSad

So I'd do the things that everyone else suggests, but I would also try very very hard to extract (and you might need to do this gently) the WHY from him. Whether it's stuff as serious as mine was (only know this now I'm an adult) or as serious as being bullied for money or as - thank god, WAY more easily to deal with - 'simple' as nose out of the joint because of the baby, you do need to try to try both know and understand the why. As bottom line is your average untroubled kid just doesn't do that.

DoJo · 10/12/2014 17:31

I wouldn't care if he was 'contrite' OR 'apologised'........he's still pay it back shock

I don't think I suggested that he shouldn't pay it back (in fact, quite the opposite) but that the way the punishment would be handed out would be different depending on how he responded to being caught.

bigbluestars · 10/12/2014 17:39

I see that your 13yo has a lot going on in his life atm. Perhaps he is stressed or troubled?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 10/12/2014 17:41

He owned up when I asked him about it. Didn't know how much he had taken and said it was just greed. He really wanted some money to spend and thought I would say no if he asked for it.

He has had issues with school bullies and early this year was horrible. We found messages on facebook from a student teaching assistant which were inappropriate so I went to the police. My son thought it was me being OTT and saw this guy as his then only friend.
This guy is now banned from working with kids and last I heard from the police they have a case against him because after they started looking into him they found other conversations with kids which were worse than the messages we found :( Things between my son and I were strained afterward so I have been making a massive effort to ensure he felt loved etc but it seemingly wasn't enough.

That said, I still just do not think that this excuses stealing from us! I have told him he can start by doing chores but we need to work out a way of him paying me back but at the moment I cannot even look at him let alone have a civilised conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 10/12/2014 17:43

Munningcockery. I am sorry that happened to you. I hope you are in a better place now x

OP posts:
notagainffffffffs · 10/12/2014 17:47

Im not saying he ahould be let off the hook but he seems to have had a really terrible time. It seems like youre one of the few people who are looking out for him so it would be terribly sad if he felt he had to shy away from you.
Does he need to see a councillor do you think?

Original poster
waffilyversati1e · 10/12/2014 17:52

this is basically what I have said to him.

I love him unconditionally and always will of course and I just cannot understand why he would want to hurt me when I would never dream of doing the same to him?
(I know the answer here of course, having been a selfish teenager myself but wanted him to see how much hurt he has caused over something as silly as pringles!!!!)

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 10/12/2014 18:53

I remember a very similar thread a while back about someone's son getting inappropriate messages from a teaching assistant that he thought was a good friend. Are you the same person?

Either way, it sounds like he's had a rough time. Sometimes teens when they're angry just lash out at anyone in the nearby area, it's nothing personal against you. Still needs to be nipped, but I wouldn't think of it like he's trying to purposely hurt you because he has something against you. It's probably a typical "My life feels out of control, my parents are in control, let's lash out at them because it's safe".

Anyway, you sound like a good parent. :)

Most kids make it through to the other side of adolescence unscathed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread