AIBU to take his christmas money off him?

[waffilyversati1e]

I am really upset so forgive me if this is a bit muddled.

I was just checking my online accounts and it appears that my 13 yr old has been helping himself to money from my account.
He knows my pin number because while I was pregnant and recently I had very limited mobility so I trusted him to pop to the shop for me to withdraw money from the ATM for other things.

It's not much - £10 x 5 times so £50 altogether over 2 months but I am self employed in a seasonal job and have 3 children (youngest being 3 months old) so it is money I will miss. It is money I won't have for Christmas now. He spent on sweets and drinks.

I have explained the implications of his theft on our family and told him that its unacceptable and that I want the money back. He did get pocket money but as I wasn't working I couldn't afford to give him any and just told him to ask if there was anything he needed - which he did.

The only money he will be getting in the forseeable future will be from people for Christmas. Would it be unreasonable to expect him to use this cash to cover what he has stolen??

I really feel for him. I think given what he has been through there's a balance to be had here.

I would take half of the money back.

No, he has to pay everything back...it's not half okay is it? It is possible to be warm and loving but firm at the same time. Tell him you are always there for him no matter what he does and will help him through whatever he is going through, but he must show you respect and kindness too. Genuine remorse means accepting some discomfort to repay you..Strike a deal..doesn't have to be all in one go etc. but he does need to pay it back in full. He is old enough to know better.

I'm sorry to hear what's happened and what your DS went through at school. I do think you are being really harsh on yourself to say that your efforts weren't enough to make him feel loved. What he did was totally out of order but kids often do go through a phase of stealing and at thirteen empathy and being able to fully appreciate consequences may be variable. It doesn't mean he's a bad kid or that you're a bad mum, I know loads of people who did some pretty crappy things as adolescents but grew into kind, decent people. That said I would defiantly make him pay it back and I'd suggest negotiating how much of his Christmas money he's going to give up and how much he needs to work to pay off. I think doing it this way will help him appreciate what he's done and that making it right will take time and effort.

thanks, I agree that he does need to pay it back and that he is old enough to know better. Its not the first time he has stolen from me but I genuinely thought he had turned a corner and that showing him I was trusting him would encourage more good behaviour but it does feel like I was just giving him more rope than he could handle.

GAH, parenting sucks sometimes!!!
I talk to other Mums of babies who are always saying how hard babies are but babies have nothing on older kids. NOTHING.

Bulbasaur, yes I think that was me x (I hope it was and that nobody else had to deal with that sort of thing)

Talk to your son and ask for his plan to repay the money, making it clear that he has taken money from the family, not just you. Make it clear how disappointed and upset you are by this- if he had asked you would have given hime what you could afford, after all.
And change your PIN.
Sounds like he is all churned up at the mo and open to temptation

I remember your last thread too. I would be so mad at him but I'd also be feeling sorry for him. I think getting him to pay at least some of it back by working for you or the neighbours or whatever is a good idea. It will help make him realise just how hard you have worked for the money.

Good luck, hopefully it will all come out in the wash.

And educate him about how if he is ever done for theft (not for this offence, but for any future offence), it could haunt him for the rest of his life (DBS checks).

Explain that if (for example) he did a shop job, it could be quite easy for him to steal money; extremely tempting having a till full of hundreds of pounds in front of him, but if he did, his life would be ruined.

I did a couple of shop jobs as a teenager; it never occurred to me to pinch anything, but I did hear stories about how easily it could be done, and how many shop workers had indeed ruined their lives with a moment's greed, and it hadn't even occurred to them that till money is counted and checked every day, so they thought they'd get away with it. (These days, even more unthinkable, with CCTV everywhere.)

what worries me is that I have tried to do this and it just doesn't sink in. What if it never does?! What are you supposed to do if you make it clear that you won't stand for certain behaviours and then they do it again??

He has a day trip to a Christmas market in france tomorrow and dsis says that I should not let him go as punishment but if I do that then the money I paid for it is even more money down the drain. His gran gave him 30euro to spend and I WAS going to give him 20 more but I told him last night that imo he has already had it so why should he get more?

You would be crazy if you give him more money to spend on his trip. If I were you I would be taking the 30 euro off him as well.

There is no excuse for him taking the piss and stealing money from you.

Yes I would, he is 13 not 3, it is stealing! Whether he is sorry or not does not matter, there has to be a consequence for his actions!

Yes reading your other posts, there are other issyes that could have contributed to it. I would take £25 from his Christmas money, not give him the Euros from you!

from your posts it sounds maybe a bit more than stealing just for sweets .he is maybe still upset about the bullies and just reacting this way .i would try to get to the bottom of this first .i would,nt take his christmas money of him .thats just mean in my opinion .i would think of some other way he could pay you back .if not in money then maybe in help .

I feel really differently from most of you. I would be very worried about why he did this, and my reaction would be completely dependent on his attitude. I would not consider keeping him home from France.

I think kids steal for one of 2 reasons: carelessness about personal possessions (just not seeing the boundaries) or testing you to see whether they are still loved and accepted even though they feel somehow worthless (does Mum still love me even though I am bad). If the issue with a kid is carelessness/lack of respect for boundaries, then repayment and taking the money seriously is of paramount importance.

After what your son has been through, being bullied, being betrayed by a "friend", having a new sibling, etc, I would be worried that this is a sign he is really struggling. My priority would be to make sure he feels completely accepted and supported; repaying the money, while important, is not the main thing here.

clara- I completely agree.

Clara you are spot on

I wouldn't even let him go on his trip. He has stolen from you out of the family pot. His actions have effected every one else. He has shown selfish and entitled behaviour.

I stopped my dd from going to Alton towers with school after creating a fake fund raising thing with her friend and collecting sponsors obs she had to take it all back and was grounded and wasn't allowed on school trip.

Stealing is one of the things I'm more than ok at being the bad guy for. It ruins trust and takes along time to get back. Stealing from your family is a big thing.

My niece was stealing from here a while back. It was a slap in the face as she would come here after school to relax as her homeless was chaotic and we were very close. Her DM didn't deal with it very well and it's ruined our relationship plus she is still stealing from home. She is not allowed in my home on her own any more.

Regarding the TA I think you need to talk talk talk with your son. Get him out of the house, go for a walks where he can't run off and discuss the situation over and over.

He needs to know he has done something out of order. He needs to see he has to make some sacrifices to make up for it.

He also needs to know he is still loved and that he can still come to you about anything when he needs it.

At his age he is old enough for a good heart to heart. As well as everything that has gone on, he needs to know there are other, more acceptable ways of him asking for help.

I would imagine he would find giving up 'free' time to help with things you might need more hard hitting than giving up money he hasn't really had in the first place. But maybe, some Christmas money could be put I to savings towards something he really wants and he can see how long it takes to build up and maybe will have more meaning in the long run.

You sound like a lovely mum, and you will work out what is best for you and your ds. Keep going and don't doubt you

No I agree you shouldn't stop him from going to France tomorrow but you are right not give him any extra spending money. Do not take his 30 euro from him as has been suggested, as I feel that will lead to resentment and anger towards you.
I know he has done wrong and he should be made to pay it back regardless but taking the trip and/or money away will not achieve anything.

You both need to sit down and work out exactly how this will be done. Be firm, but stay calm. He needs to understand how disappointed you are in his behaviour and also realise the implications of stealing, not only now but also for the future.

Show him you mean business by being firm but reassuring at the same time. if you work out a plan to repay the money stick to it.

Try not to get angry and shouty at him, as hard as that is, anger is usually counter productive in a situation like this

Reflecting on what someone else said upthread: someone I work with was sacked yesterday for stealing. They did it twice over one weekend last month and got caught. They'd fiddled the books and stolen around £1000. We're all still reeling as he just didn't seem "the type" if you get my drift.

While this is different to what your son did, both actions are a breech of trust. He needs to learn this is totally unacceptable or could be far worse for him if he does it in future. Actions have consequences and stealing is deadly serious.

I only have a 5yo so no real experience other than what my mum would have done to me!

I'd be tempted to come down really hard on this. I'd stop the French visit and offer the 30 euros back to gran. If she says he can still have it, then convert back into GBP and put towards the £50 he owes.

I'd take his Christmas money towards the debt. Not all of it, if he only gets £50, maybe leave him £10 and give him a list of chores to do with price next to them. I wouldn't want this dragging on for months & months if he refuses to do chores. I'd rather have it done & dusted with a quick punishment so everyone can move forward. There's nothing worse than having this hanging around both your necks into 2015.

Going forward, I'd get him to earn his pocket money. It might help him understand the cost to having money and that it doesn't magically appear in a bank account.

I agree that you do need to get to the bottom of why he stole and also tackle that. Does his school have a counsellor? Or a real heart to heart to with him. Again, getting the money paid back quickly will enable you both to move on from the money and get that out of the way.

I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt you, sometimes kids just don't think things through and don't consider consequences. It sounds like you've all been through the mill, I'd make him pay back a token amount depending how much Xmas money he gets.