Grabby family members demanding presents

[MrsFogi]

So every year we buy a present for all the members (adult) of DH's family - they all put their orders in which are invariably money towards this and money towards that so we spend Boxing Day writing cheques to various people. And every year MIL buys something nice for each of DH and me and DH's sister puts her name on that present (she does not contribute). From other family members DH gets a variety of books on a subject he said he was interested in in about 1982 and I usually get a selection of things like tea towels - all of which goes straight to the charity shop. This year I said "Why don't we just buy presents for the children?" but DH's sister has said no (apparently she's the one who gets to decide) and has repeatedly sent me a list of presents or contributions she'd like for her and her husband's presents (starting price £35). Would it be unreasonable of me to simply say that this year we don't fancy getting involved in writing lots of cheques to other family members and that I've already got small gifts for everyone? I don't really want to fall out with them but every year I feel like I am being treated like a mug as everyone walks away with cheques from us and we have a pile of tat and one nice present from MIL. It ruins every Christmas morning as I just end up feeling very resentful.

[x2boys]

At. Xmas I buy my parents presents (they help a lot so this is my way of appreciating them)/my sisters two boys I haven't bought my sister a present for years she suggested just buying for the kids when I had ds1'i completley agreed ,sil.kids and obviously my boys I don't buy adult presents apart from my mum and dad !

[AdoraBell]

What does your DH say? Will he stand up to her and tell her that is no longer her personall bank? If not can you trust him not to meekly white the cheques on Boxing day?

YANBU and I would have howled with laughter at her saying no. File all the emails as junk, then empty the trash. Then change your email address. May I suggest

[email protected]

[RojaGato]

Either:

1. Give the your list (if you want, include "give a goat to africa" items that are exactly the same value as the cheque they want
   

or

1. Give them gifts very similar to the ones they give you
   

Normally I wouldn't recommend such passive aggressive behaviour, but you have tried speaking to them about it and they haven't engaged.

The only other thing you can do is just opt out entirely, except for the person who has always given you something nice.

I've never understood why there should be a problem getting adults as well as children gifts, unless money is so much of an issue that there is only enough money to get presents for children though. I also don't see why presents have to be of the same monetary value if there is a significant age or wealth difference. I do think there needs to be some kind of parity of regard or effort though, whether that is time or thoughtfulness or skill rather than money. My mother was skint for years and made amazing handmade gifts (cushions, clothes, dolls) that people still have long after the perfume or vouchers she received were a distant memory.

In my experience, people who have lists/stipulations for presents are the ones who are most likely to totally forget to celebrate your birthday or occasion in any way. It's a "me, me, me thing" and it shows an imbalance in the relationship. That needs fixing, whether by a showdown over gifts or in another way.

[FixItUpChappie]

My family are locked in a rather ridiculous gift giving practice but yours takes the cake!!

Say NO.

[HelloitsmeFell]

YANBU.

What is the point in adults all giving one another money anyway? Surely it just cancels itself out, apart from the one person/couple who always end up out of pocket?

Just say No. Just say from now on we will be doing one of the following:

only buy for the children

we will set a budget of £10 per adult and we will each give a list of small token gifts we would like to receive to to give you ideas of things to the value of around a tenner, so socks, tea towels, a mascara, a CD, etc.

we do a Secret Santa with a set amount of money (30 quid is a good amount) and we each pull someone's name out of a hat to buy for, or the person who knows you best gets to buy for you. A list of ideas will be provided.

[MyBaby1day]

That's disgusting. I am all for giving out gifts to loved ones but this seems such an inequal situation. They give you bloom tea-towels and then have the audacity to choose gifts starting from £35. Your financial situation isn't my business OP, but whether you are a person of limited means or as rich as midas, this just isn't right.

I would end it now. Just send a simple gift to everyone, in a nice way and leave it at that. No offense to your DH's family, but they sound quite spoilt (especially the Sister) and self-entitled!. Not fair on you forking out like that. It proves it's not just kids who behave badly!.

[rollonthesummer]

And work out a nice line along the lines of I'm just following your example SIL and giving token gifts to people this year... There's not much she can argue with when she's not giving anything to you if you reciprocate with the same!

This. Exactly this.

Has she ever asked you what you wanted?

[SoonToBeMrsB]

Can I just suggest this dashing Paul Ross Canvas?

Also, if you need cheering up, please read the reviews for it. I was absolutely poorless by the end

[IPokeBadgers]

Ross Abbott teatowels, canvas prints of Paul Ross....how do people find such wonders?!

[IPokeBadgers]

Russ!! Have obviously been seduced by the powers of Paul Ross!

[WalkingInaWhippetWonderland]

We don't do adult gifts except Dp's and the odd ancient aunty. Everyone else has an income and gets what they want, whenever they please.

I would suggest a secret santa for adults if they must and stick to a limit, say £20 and same for nephews and nieces- ours is £30 for those under 18 and a bottle or chocs for older ones.

Unless we were absolutely loaded, then we would be getting out the cheque book, but of our own free will though.

[MerryMarigold]

Oh my. Those reviews if the canvass made my day.

[WalkingInaWhippetWonderland]

at those reviews

[listsandbudgets]

OP I know this is expensive but you won't mind as you've been throwing money at them for many years - now here is your opportunity to throw it down the toilet instead They can share it to cut costs and at least you'll know their christmas present to them will be truly appreciated this year thought probably not by them.

Goats are so last year

[SoonToBeMrsB]

My DP showed me the Paul Ross canvas a couple of years ago and I still go in to laugh at the reviews

[Scrounger]

We had something similar, we were writing cheques / getting expensive presents for SIL & BIL (SIL is DHs sister) only they never got us anything in return. At one point I hadn't received two Christmas presents or a birthday present from them and they had done the same to DH. I know it sounds grabby to keep count but it was a total piss take.

At one point on Boxing Day my SIL phoned to ask DH if he had taken an envelop with 'X' name on it. DH's and my BIL brother's name are the same. She wanted to know it had taken the cheque meant for her DHs brother. She hadn't even bothered to write a cheque for her own brother but they had written one for her BIL. I suggested the next year that we limit presents to £25 for all (parents excepted). If they don't get us anything at least I don't feel ripped off to the tune of £150. I now enjoy Christmas a lot more, if it is more about the children and I feel less stressed about trying to find presents. It was absolutely stupid present buying and a hangover from pre-children when we had some disposable income.

I never spend anything like that with my own brother, although we do, do lists - he has a hobby building bikes so asks for specific parts. I quite like it, it saves me time and he gets what he wants.

[Primafacie]

More Christmas pressy ideas and good reviews here for those who liked the Paul Ross ones:

Banana slicer: www.amazon.com/Hutzler-571-Banana-Slicer/dp/B0047E0EII/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1GMJTRK35X938FV9YFPR&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Uranium Ore: www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

How to Avoid Huge Ships book: www.amazon.com/How-Avoid-Huge-Ships-Never/dp/0881000191/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_5?ie=UTF8&refRID=00XX1VF7ZKKSXZ35844M&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Wolves tshirt: www.amazon.co.uk/The-Mountain-Sleeve-Medium-Apparel/dp/B000NZW3J8/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1418230300&sr=8-2&keywords=three%20wolves%20moon%20tshirt&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[BeccadeWinter]

Primafacie - good work, though I'd be chuffed with that wolf t-shirt/masterpiece

I was thinking more along the lines of a big load of nothing:

www.iwantoneofthose.com/gift-novelty/nothing-for-the-person-who-has-everything/30000870.html

[MonstrousRatbag]

Prima,
I'm the proud owner of a Life of Christ in Cats tea towel. I love it.

[Stormingateacup]

Just because they ask for money toward something doesn't mean you have to give it. Don't be a doormat!

[mausmaus]

yanbu
just tell them you already have bought gifts and leave it at that

[Purplehonesty]

Yep tell them no its the thought that counts not the cheque amount!
Say you are only buying for te kids, that's what we do. Saves a fortune, less hassle, happy kids and btw nobody bought Mary and Joseph presents, just baby!

[Primafacie]

Monstrous, me too! :o

And I've also given it as present to at least two friends (with GSOH).

[FryOneFatManic]

Suggest you all do a secret Santa next year. So one adult buys for one other adult using a wish list and a set budget of £40. Means you and DH will only need to buy 2 adult gifts costing £80 in total. However you will also have £80 spent on you from your wish list

Trouble with this idea is that there are some people I know who could be given a budget of £40 and would still do their best to ensure the actual gift comes way under budget. You can't guarantee you'd get a similar amount spent in return.

[MerryMarigold]

FryOne, yup happened in our family. We spent £100 (50 each) and received - I'd guess- around half of that spent on us back, clothing with (surprise, surprise) no receipts.

I am a bit that nothing costs 6.99 EXC. postage.