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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grabby family members demanding presents

87 replies

MrsFogi · 09/12/2014 21:17

So every year we buy a present for all the members (adult) of DH's family - they all put their orders in which are invariably money towards this and money towards that so we spend Boxing Day writing cheques to various people. And every year MIL buys something nice for each of DH and me and DH's sister puts her name on that present (she does not contribute). From other family members DH gets a variety of books on a subject he said he was interested in in about 1982 and I usually get a selection of things like tea towels - all of which goes straight to the charity shop. This year I said "Why don't we just buy presents for the children?" but DH's sister has said no (apparently she's the one who gets to decide) and has repeatedly sent me a list of presents or contributions she'd like for her and her husband's presents (starting price £35). Would it be unreasonable of me to simply say that this year we don't fancy getting involved in writing lots of cheques to other family members and that I've already got small gifts for everyone? I don't really want to fall out with them but every year I feel like I am being treated like a mug as everyone walks away with cheques from us and we have a pile of tat and one nice present from MIL. It ruins every Christmas morning as I just end up feeling very resentful.

OP posts:
CocobearSqueeze · 09/12/2014 22:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fuzzpig · 09/12/2014 22:06

YANBU the current way sounds very unchristmassy!

MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/12/2014 22:10

Haven't RTFT but I think you should tell them you've bought Oxfam goats for Africa instead. Greedy selfish immature bastards!

gamerchick · 09/12/2014 22:11

Are you like really rich? I'm struggling to imagine a scenario where this type of behaviour can be even close to making any sense. Like yanno when someone wins the lottery and family think they have the right to their 'fair share' type of thing.

Tell them all to knob off.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 09/12/2014 22:12

By the way, are you retired/well off? Not that that makes the way they expect things ok but just wondered.

Primafacie · 09/12/2014 22:12

I recommend this excellent tea towel for all grabby relatives. www.moretvicar.com/products/cats-tea-towel

LegoAdventCalendar · 09/12/2014 22:15

As long as you allow this to continue for fear of 'falling out' with these grabby arseholes, it will continue. You tell them, 'No, this year we have already purchased small gifts.' And yes, it is really that simple.

yellowdinosauragain · 09/12/2014 22:22

Howling at that teatowel primafacie GrinGrinGrin

Please please buy that for your grabby relatives op!

SisterMoonshine · 09/12/2014 22:26

yanbu
Put your foot down

(...And let us know how it goes)

SomeSunnySunday · 09/12/2014 22:30

Oh gosh no, YANBU. DH's side of the family do similar. I find it really odd. They are all grown adults (we are the only ones with children) yet every Christmas (and birthday) they put in very early requests for exactly what they want us to give them (and 90% of the time it is money / vouchers "towards" something they are "saving up" for - if not it is a request for a very specific item, eg. X jumper from Y shop, rather than just "a jumper").

Honestly I feel it takes all the fun out of giving. Nobody is hard up, and giving them money just seems pointless. But the year that the DCs and I ignored the requests and put loads of effort into making lovely homemade hampers of goodies for them, nobody from that side of the family even acknowledged them Sad.

They just do things so differently from my family. I prefer to choose people presents that I hope they will like. Similarly I'd be happy for them to choose something for me - a book, a candle e.g., but they always insist on me telling them exactly what to buy. This year when I said I couldn't think of anything specific, they asked me to name a shop which I wanted vouchers for. So we are in the farcical position of having bought BIL and SIL exactly the same value of vouchers as they have bought us, but for different shops Confused. It's all a bit unfestive - they're not exactly taking the p as they do give us "gifts" of the same value, but it's just not very nice IMO.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 22:34

Yanbu at all, your SIL sounds really grabby. I would put a big stop to this, say you cannot afford it, you will buy for the children only.

Aeroflotgirl · 09/12/2014 22:37

All this cheque writing with relatives circling like vultures is just so wrong and not in the spirit of Christmas, put a stop to it right now! It's a one way thing, you giving and them taking! Do you put in your orders! No I don't think so!

NewEraNewMindset · 09/12/2014 22:38

If they insist on money just write a cheque for less, a tenner or £15. Stick it in a card and let then moan about it quietly away from you.

pinkypurplegiraffe · 09/12/2014 22:39

Grabby grabby grabby.
In my family, the adults might get each other something if we think the other would like/needs it. Often something not too expensive. But it's a surprise, and always shows some thought.
The in laws, on the other hand, love their lists. SIL apparently texted DH that this year her and her husband would like a bit of tech equipment for Christmas- for £100. And he's gone and bought it! Confused
So unchristmassy. Takes the fun out of present opening every year.
I keep trying to get a secret Santa thing going, but it hasn't worked yet...

ZenNudist · 09/12/2014 22:41

Yanbu. Options are:

  1. stick to your guns, presents for dc only and then something small £15-20 spend
  2. send a list of demands for expensive presents (and say or happy to accept voucher/cheque towards same. See how they like it!
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 09/12/2014 22:42

This is a joke, yes? Are people really such tossers?!

What kind f adults seriously expect decent presents from anyone other than their OH??

This is what you MUST do OP otherwise you are the biggest mug going - get everyone pound shop gifts. Bollocks to the cheque book (I can't believe they willingly take cheques off you!) if they don't like it they show themselves to be bastards. SIL can fuck right off too the silly twat

grumpasaur · 09/12/2014 22:49

This is awful.

My DH's family were a bit the same- before I came along, they all used to send each other long lists and each would trot out and spend money they didn't have on things the other people had just thought up for the sake of having something to put on the list. I would estimate each couple spent about £200- on ADULTS with no kids!!!

Ridiculous. I sent a £50 limit per couple my second year on the scene. I still think it's ridiculous especially given the list exchange nonsense, but at least I don't feel like I am bleeding money from my fingernails when the holiday season is over!!!

Saz12 · 09/12/2014 22:51

My inlaws do lists as well, and in fairness it does mean people get what they want. But it isn't very Christmassy, and is a minefield - apparently if you include things on that are "too cheap" then that's insulting, so there's no way to win! "Money toward" an item is pretty ridiculous, and not something they or I do.
In your shoes, I'd either state "I don't want to give or receive gifts to adults in the family" with no explanation or apology, or give her something you think she'd like that is at a budget your happy with, list or no list.

I'm assuming that SIL has same number of kids as yourself and that you've good reason to be certain she doesn't contribute to the joint gift with MIL; even if not then I'd still knock the gift-giving on the head as it's clearly just a minefield of resentment.

Mmmicecream · 09/12/2014 22:53

You could suggest that for your gift you'd like a contribution of 35 pounds to something, and as it makes no sense to swap cheques for the same amount you both might as well not do so? Grin

Mmmicecream · 09/12/2014 22:55

P.S. I hate lists too - DH's family to them and every year it's a major hassle for him to source exactly what his family want and it never seems to be much fun. Then half of them don't buy off the lists anyway

Pelicangiraffe · 09/12/2014 22:59

Suggest you all do a secret Santa next year. So one adult buys for one other adult using a wish list and a set budget of £40. Means you and DH will only need to buy 2 adult gifts costing £80 in total. However you will also have £80 spent on you from your wish list

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 09/12/2014 23:18

This thread has me a little worried. Eek- I sent my brother a list of suggestions for places I wouldn't mind receiving a voucher for Christmas this year. And, I'm the poor relation who gets them something they could get for themselves, only nicer. But, in my defence, last year they bought me a voucher for a shop I can't buy anything suitable from (even with a voucher) and I ended up selling it for less than face value so I was trying to save them money. I would prefer not to do adult gifts but don't want to appear to be a scrooge and it seemed silly for them to waste their money on something I can't use.

Maybe SIL would be relieved if you stated no adult presents this year? Or maybe she's just horribly grabby and I'm just projecting...

zipzap · 09/12/2014 23:24

How about giving them back the sort of things they give to you? Sounds like you've already got rid of last year's gifts so you can't regift them!

Just buy something nice for MIL and work out what you want to spend on the others (approximately what they spend on you) and get something - at best get something you like so that if she gives it back to you, you're happy.

And work out a nice line along the lines of I'm just following your example SIL and giving token gifts to people this year... There's not much she can argue with when she's not giving anything to you if you reciprocate with the same!

Screenclean · 09/12/2014 23:34

Oh god op I could have written this. Sil and BIL circulate a fucking list. It's insane. It's something to broach for next year though, as it's all done for this year. It always includes vouchers. Why? They're in their late forties. Why would this be needed by anyone over the age of 18?

One thing that makes me sympathetic is that they don't have children, so if we don't buy for adults then no one gets anything apart from my children. I'd be happy with nothing, and my children don't need anything else.

I'll be interested to see if you reach a resolution.