Grabby family members demanding presents

[MrsFogi]

So every year we buy a present for all the members (adult) of DH's family - they all put their orders in which are invariably money towards this and money towards that so we spend Boxing Day writing cheques to various people. And every year MIL buys something nice for each of DH and me and DH's sister puts her name on that present (she does not contribute). From other family members DH gets a variety of books on a subject he said he was interested in in about 1982 and I usually get a selection of things like tea towels - all of which goes straight to the charity shop. This year I said "Why don't we just buy presents for the children?" but DH's sister has said no (apparently she's the one who gets to decide) and has repeatedly sent me a list of presents or contributions she'd like for her and her husband's presents (starting price £35). Would it be unreasonable of me to simply say that this year we don't fancy getting involved in writing lots of cheques to other family members and that I've already got small gifts for everyone? I don't really want to fall out with them but every year I feel like I am being treated like a mug as everyone walks away with cheques from us and we have a pile of tat and one nice present from MIL. It ruins every Christmas morning as I just end up feeling very resentful.

[deadduck]

Primafacie, these gift ideas are hilarious

[Lymmmummy]

YANBU - stick to your guns - why should you empty your bank accounts for them.? Perhaps a subtle way around it would be to say £10 limit on gifts for adults that way its just a tenner if you feel you can't get out of it? Or perhaps go away and avoid spending the day with them ? Or say you will make donations of £10 to a chosen charity of the recipient? Either way tell husband to deal with the communication - sounds like DSIL has a bit too much power - and he needs to end that - an email outlining your prefered option done in response to her request for gifts would be easiest

You have my sympathy as we had one like her in our family - everyone would get her £40 of vouchers becuse she was quite hard to buy for and they did not want to buy the wrong things for her - of course she was free to spend these vouchers like money - however she would always insist on getting everyone else some completley useless/ unsuitable gift which she never had the good grace to mention could be exchanged if the person didn't like it - this was made worse by her habit of forever buying awful clothes for people they never wanted or asked for - sometimes she would do this even when the person had specifically asked her not to get them clothes ?? she was the type who though her taste was so wonderful she was doing others a favour etc - in the end my DH called her bluff when after asking for a specific item from her (which was very easy to buy) she bought something different - so he told her it didn't fit so could he exchange it - (quite a big deal for him as DSIL was definitley the dominant force of the family) she was quite grumpy about it - partly because she had gotten in habit of believing her choices should never be questioned etc and partly becuse at this point she had lost the receipt etc - in the end she send him money to he value of the gift in about April !!! She didn't make it easy - but it stopped her buying crap presents as she is very mean and the thought of losing her money was enough to stop her - DH did feel slightly guilty but he had spend dozens of £40 vouchers on her and in return recieved dozens of awful gifts and had just had enough of her - Now we don't buy for them - just for MIL and children - sorry for ramble but I suppose my point is you need to somehow challenge these type of people before they will change - if cutting it dead with the adult gifts is a no no then perhaps chnage to making all adult gifts to a small value say £10 - and be prepared for a bit if grumpiness

[BuddyKringleberry]

I hope your SIL is a mumsnetter and reads this post and realises she is a total twunt x

[StupidFlanders]

Oh, I'm so surprised by people like this!

I feel that, as an adult, if I like something I buy it. As do my family.

Presents for adults should only be something that you saw and wanted to give them or nothing at all!

We do a secret Santa but I'm going to suggest next year we just buy small gifts for children (small family anyway) and focus on the day together as the special part.

If I were you I'd feign ignorance and restate that you already said you weren't doing presents this year!

[rollonthesummer]

She hadn't even bothered to write a cheque for her own brother but they had written one for her BIL

Sil gave her own husband a cheque?!

[Pelicangiraffe]

Fry it works well for everyone i know because everyone is told to spend a certain amount. So 40 exactly rather then up to 40

[velourvoyageur]

OMG yes pleeease buy them a goat!

Love it love it. Or find something on their list that resembles what Oxfam offers in its goat type range.
Like if they want a book, buy them a stack of schoolbooks for kids in underdeveloped countries.

as they would say in the Chalet School, you need to make the punishment fit the crime.

Please spend your Boxing Day getting fatter eating lovely things and NOT writing cheques for grabby grabbers, you do have a choice.

[TheChandler]

YANBU PIL do something like this as well, but without the cheques. They make tell you, by email, what they want, as does the whole of DH's family. I'd rather not exchange presents or just buy small gifts of my choosing. They have a lot of children between them, and increasingly ask for very expensive presents for each of them. I leave it to DH - his family's choices, not my idea to spend such a commercialised Christmas.

[Scrounger]

Rollonthesummer, no my SIL gave her husband's brother a cheque but didn't bother getting her brother anything. He normally lets it flow over him but he was really pissed off about it. They didn't bother getting either of us anything.

[Mousefinkle]

Oxfam goat , brilliant.

Are they from a different country or culture? I only ask because DH is and his family wrote an entire christmas list out the first year we were together of stuff they wanted and asked for our list in return. This shocked me to end, my family just give you a bit of cash in a card and that's your lot. We've never and would never send each other demanding lists . BIL who was 14 at the time asked for a digital camera! I put my foot down and said they'll get what they're bloody given, they got the message and the lists went out of the window. I'm quite a bossy assertive person, don't stand for shite like that.

It's ok if you ask what someone wants and they give a reasonable suggestion but it's not ok if you haven't been asked to demand something IMO. I don't expect anything as an adult but some relatives still insist on putting a bit of cash in a card for DH and I which is kind. I just bake and make gifts for family, our DC are only children left in both sides of the family atm.

Your SIL has very bad form, I wouldn't be standing for it personally.

[HappyAgainOneDay]

I don't ask what anyone wants. They are given what I choose. When it comes to teenagers whom I haven't seen for a while so don't know what they are interested in, I'll ask a parent what they do for hobbies and get a book - not a specific one; just a book about the current interest. If it's a duplicate, tough.

I often buy birthday and Christmas presents when I'm abroad because it's possible to find things that are not available in the UK (I don't buy holiday souvenirs for other people. Well, not even myself now).

[ChristmasSparklee]

YADNBU
They are being incredibly rude. I also don't really see the point in giving presents to adults, to me xmas is about the kids.
Am i right in guessing your dh's sister doesn't have any kids? Is she thinking its not fair if she's got to buy kids presents n then doesn't get anything in return?

This year I'm making hampers for all our parents and siblings, a mix of homemade things and some bought things too. I realised we were spending hundreds on adults who are all in positions to go out and buy whatever they want or need, it just seems silly.
I also think giving money is really inpersonal